Prologue
Two trainers of equal size stand twelve feet apart in the center of an arena that is filled with hundreds of people, waiting for them to battle it out to the death.
One of them, the male with black hair and blue highlights, posses the power of ice, and summons his frozen sword by the word “aisu.” He loves his partner, who is also his opponent. They are forced into battle until there is a winner. The winner will be the leader of the revolution. The male does not want his partner to have it, and for one reason only. He knows she is better.
The female with the fiery-red hair can control fire, and is remarkably stronger than the male. In the world they live in, fire and ice are opposites. Ice can freeze fire, and fire can melt ice. There shouldn’t be a winner, but the female knows she will win; she knows it is her destiny. She summons her fire-blade by the word “kaji.”
Their Master, Rainer, watches over them from the highest box in the arena. He waits as his trainers eye each other, sweating and shaking with fear. He rubs his temples, hoping this will not tear them apart. They are the last hope for the planet of Papillion. They are the “chosen ones,” whatever that means. They will bring this planet back to life, and away from destruction.
In a second, the male rushes towards the female. The master gasps, knowing this is it. The female only needs one blow, and the male, well, more than one.
The Master blinks and the male is on the floor with the females’ blazing blade in his stomach. He screams, but is silenced when the female finishes him off.
End of chapter
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140,804 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
This is supposed to be a little background for my story. I wanted to give readers a little information because when the story starts, it jumps five years ahead of this, and is confusing without it. Please enjoy!
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...well this is intriguing here. For starters I am loving the way you chose to address the two people here. The lack of familiarity that comes with the lack of a name adds to the mystery of things here and sort of helps paint this whole thing as a bit of a picture of the state this particular place happens to be in and works quite nicely to get our attention as the readers.
OOoh well that adds an interesting element to things. At first I got the impression these are two friends almost forced to battle it out, but then there was a sense of one wanting to best the other and now we have an indication of them being polar opposites in some sense but the world needing them to get along for some other mysterious reason. Well all in all, thats already adding to a lovely growing pile of mysteries here and that's great to see at the start of a story.
Well that wraps that one quite strongly. For all the sort of hints we saw, it seems it ends like this fight was originally meant to, with one person ending up dying there. Well, that certainly leaves you with a bit to think about. Hmm, at any rate it is a bit of a shocking end to this piece here...and suffice it to say, it has certainly gotten my attention and gotten it quite strongly here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Well, hello there, Cap'n. Guess what? It's a Stella!
I. NITPICKS
Okay, the word "trainers" immediately throws me off, firstly, because a trainer here is a type of shoe, and secondly- and probably more importantly- I would assume that a trainer trains other people to fight, and not fight themselves. I know there's probably a reason for your word choice, but I'm wondering if it's a good idea to use it in your first sentence...
possesses, maybe? Check the spelling, I can never spell that word.
Of the revolution? This seems a rather public affair for revolutionaries to put together.
"Chosen ones" is such a cliché, if he doesn't know what it means, he's clearly been living under a rock. C'mon, love, I know you can think of something better than "chosen ones"
Only one blow to be killed or to kill him, and the same with him? It's just a little unclear.
II. OVERALL
I don't have any specific issues, besides, with a prologue I don't feel justified asking about plot or character. As you can see I've gone through this with a rather fine comb. Overall, it was fine, it catches attention and makes me wonder where it's headed. Your voice is a little passive, but again, it's a prologue, so I wouldn't worry as long as it changes when you start the actual story. Nice job
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
Hi! Here as requested.
I really liked how the female won in the end...
I'm pretty sure you meant possesses, right? But 'possesses' doesn't have enough pow or action to it. I might say something like: 'One of them, the male with black hair and blue highlights, embraces ice's power as his own brother,' or something like that. And, like Hawkie said, I'd use man and woman instead of male or female.That was great, nice job.
Anyway, down to business. So first things first. The present tense doesn't work out for me. I think it's perfectly acceptable, but it doesn't seem right for this prologue.
This part is wordy. You might consider saying: '...and summons his frozen sword before the battle. "Aisu!"' or something along those lines. Same thing here--I'd much rather you say, 'She summons her epic fire-blade just before the start of the battle. "Kaji!"'
Like Hawkie already said, I think you need to do more than 'tell' us what's going on in this world. Instead of saying: you could say: 'Fire and ice--the ultimate opposites of this world--gathered against each other to reveal the destiny of Papillion.' or something on those lines.
Anyway, this was a pretty short piece! So, I'm sorry if you expected a longer review. But your piece is a prologue. The more major/noticeable mistakes have been pointed out already. Thank you for replying to my reviews thread! Hope this helps.
I really liked this. Your prologue did its job perfectly. It gave me a nice taste of the story and it was great. Can't wait for the rest of the story.
Whoa. That was . . . pretty intense. And your concept is interesting! "Papillion" is an original name for a planet, especially since it means "butterfly," but you've got me interested.
You use way too much telling, though. First you introduce these two people, which is fine, but then you go on to tell us everything about them. Don't tell us. Show us who they are. Show us how their magic is opposite, and how they cast their spells, through action and dialogue.
Also - it bugged me that you kept on using the words "male" and "female." They sound way too technical. "Man" and "woman" would work better in my opinion.
He loves her? When she's about to kill him? Either this is a mistake, or it's a powerful case of unconditional love. You decide.
This should be "female's."
Good work, keep writing!
-Hawks-