The Last Storm (2)

December 28, 2009
Novel / Chapter: Action / Adventure, General
10 comments (7 reviews)

Sorry it's so long. Don't be discouraged by length. This is when all the exciting things happen.

********

I sat up from my illuminated bed and pulled on a winter coat. The house was colder than it usually was in winter.

I ran down the stairs, my eyes amazed. My family was up and sitting around a gas-lit fire, all waiting to unwrap the multicolored presents under the silver-tip Christmas tree. I smiled at the sight of them sipping hot cocoa and coffee, and, for once, I could honestly say I was happy to see them. Because every other day in our house, the air was filled with constant bickering, then my father’s temper would turn physical, and, finally, I would run out the front door and drive around our small little town until the soft classical music that played in my car calmed me down.

“Good morning Mary!” My sister, Elisabeth, shouted from down on the first floor. I followed the rest of our carpeted stairs to my family. My mother handed me a cocoa mug and gestured for me to sit down next to my sister.

“Are we going to open some presents?” I yelled to the ceiling and tickled my sister.

“Mary, stop!” She shrieked between laughs.

“Well, there’s something we have to talk to you kids about first.” Father sat down his cup and wrapped an arm around my mother’s shoulder.

The worried looks on their faces made me frown. I looked at my sister, but she was bouncing off our cream colored walls with joy at all her presents under the tree.

“There’s something on the news that has been bugging us. We have been trying to hide it from you, since we thought it was a bunch of crap. But, it looks like something might be happening that will disrupt our Christmas…” Father looked at my mother, who opened her mouth to continue.

“There is a storm coming.”

I rolled my eyes, “Are you serious?”

Father held up his hand to stop my mouth. “It’s not just any storm. Scientists have said it’s the effect of global warming. And, we will have to move to the basement at approximately,” he looked at his watch. Yes, the first thing he did when he woke up Christmas morning was put on a watch, “three o’clock. We have six hours.”

My eyes practically shot out of my head. “What?”

“I know, I know. But, if we stay in the basement, we should be safe.”

“That’s crazy! This can’t be possible.” I shook my head at my sister. She was just staring at the little space between my parents heads. I looked through them, also, to see what had caught her interest.

What I saw made me stand. She was looking out the window. Outside, branches and leaves from fallen trees were blowing around. Then, small pieces of wood flew. When they got bigger, one crashed into our front window, breaking it and allowing the cold air to seep inside our home. I screamed as I watched a tornado form a few miles behind the houses across the street.

“It’s starting.” Father said. He ran to the kitchen and grabbed a bag that had been on the floor. My mother went to him and picked up Christmas breakfast, pancakes and bacon. They were screaming at me and Elisabeth, but we were frozen in place.

I looked down at the presents that I would never get to hold. My entire life flashed before me, and I realized how little I had taken advantage of it. All the treats, the newest games and toys, and the top fashions had been given to me since day one. Of course I treated my things well, but I never really thought about what would happen if I didn’t have them, or anything for that matter.

“Mary!” My father grabbed my arm and tried to pull me away, but I shook him off. His tan face and bright eyes flashed between me and the storm that was waiting to kill us all.

I was pulled out of my self-pitying dreams when a branch flew past me and hit something behind. I looked over my shoulder and saw my sister on the ground. My eight year-old sister didn’t deserve this. She was sat up and felt the back of her shoulder. Blood came back when she lifted up her hand. Mother grabbed her and brought her to the basement.

I saw tears flow to my father’s pupils as he tried to pull again. I followed him down into our basement. When I arrived, mother hugged me as if I was almost killed. And when her slender hands stroked my back, all I could think was that we would not survive.

Something had stirred this storm, and it wasn’t going to stop until its mission was fulfilled.

“Oh my God…” Father looked down at the pack and shook his head.

“What?” Mother’s eyes shifted so quickly between father and Elisabeth I thought they might fall from her sockets.

“The first aid kit, it isn’t in here!” He pulled out everything from the back and laid it on the cement floor.

“Well we need that! We can’t take Elisabeth to the hospital!” Mother flung her hands to the sky as if asking God why he was doing this to us.

“Mary!” I heard Elisabeth cry from back in the basement. There was no turning back. I was getting that kit. I was going to try and keep my family alive, even if it meant my death.

I ran from the basement to the living room. The white carpet was already covered in dirty raindrops, and our Christmas tree was on the floor, and we didn’t seem to have a couch anymore. But, some act of a higher power must have held sympathy for me that moment, because the kit was still sitting on our green granite kitchen counter top. I went to grab it, and as I did the wall behind me fell, and I with it. I looked outside and the tornado was about a hundred feet away, tossing things in all directions. I watched as it moved to the right of our house, leaving it unscathed. I felt red liquid flow onto my forehead, and my vision went black.

********

“How did they keep it that secret from you for that long?” Mr. Colton says as he takes out his notebook. He scribbles something down, then waits for me to respond.

“Well, there were many things they did. My father didn’t read the newspaper, so that was easy. He would just throw it away. That week I wasn’t able to visit friends, and they claimed the cable was out.” Their faces turn blank. I think for a minute, and realize how easily I have forgotten that it isn’t 2009 anymore. These people have no idea what cable or television is.

“Cable?” Mr. Bick sat up, suddenly more interested.

“It was something that displayed the past.” I answer. It is partially true, after all.

“Wow. I wish I could have lived back then.” Mr. Bick sits back in his chair, and they both wait for me to continue.

*********

“Hello? Is anyone here?” A light flashed across my eyes. I didn’t recognize his voice. I felt and heard hard steps coming my way. They were clumsy, and seemed to stumble with every other stride.

The events of the day before flashed through my mind, so I was expecting the worst. I quickly hopped to my feet and hid behind a large pile of rubble. I could pick out my living room lamp, large pieces of wood that I assumed to be my roof, and possibly pieces of my favorite blue sweater.

“Why are you hiding?” I heard the deep voice call again. I peeked out from behind the pile. A boy was picking up piles of wood and cloth, looking for something, possibly me. “You can come out. I helped you with your wounds. I’m not bad or anything.” He shined the flashlight on the other side of my pile, and I caught a glimpse of him. He had a tan, round face with dark eyes. His long brown hair stopped above the end of his neck, but never reached his shoulders. His clothes, tan shorts and a white t-shirt, were all torn up, and full of dirt and hoes. They also looked a little bit damp. “I patched up your head.”

I suddenly felt a deep pain at my hair line. I felt the area, and sure enough, there were bandages covering my wound. My spirits lifted, knowing that someone smart was around.

But, I was not worried about him or anyone else but my family. They had to be safe, after all. If I had survived out in the open, they had to be perfectly fine in their shelter.

I crouched down and walked like a mouse along my old floor until I reached the basement door. But, instead of my family’s faces popping out from the depths of my house and smiling at me with joy, I screamed.

“Hello?” The boy ran up behind me and stopped in his tracks. My basement, the place where my family was hiding, was crushed by the three giant trees that used to live in my backyard.

“No! No, no, no, no!” I ran up to the trees and began tearing leaves from its branches. I tried to lift it, but it wouldn’t budge. After minutes of struggling, I fell to the floor and cried like I never had before.

The boy walked up beside me and crouched down. “I lost mine, too.” He said after minutes of stroking my back.

I looked at him through my soaked, red eyes. “Who are you?” I pushed him away and ran to the other side of my destroyed home.

“Someone in the same place as you…” He stood up and walked towards me.

“I-what do we do?” I slumped back onto the ground and covered my face with dirty hands.

“I don’t know. But, I think we should leave here.” He looked around, then back at me. “There are some things you should know…”

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Sat Apr 10, 2010 8:04 pm

AspiringAuthorA..M. wrote a review...

Classy, once again you leave me with an unedited story. I didn't read any of the other reviews because I was too lazy too, so I hope I'm not repeating points that have already been established.

I ran down the stairs, my eyes #0040FF ">amazed. My family was up and sitting around a gas-lit fire, all waiting to unwrap the multicolored presents under the silver-tip Christmas tree. I smiled at the sight of them sipping hot cocoa and coffee, and, for once, I could honestly say I was happy to see them. Because every other day in our house, the air was filled with constant bickering, then my father’s temper would turn physical, and, finally, I would run out the front door and drive around our small little town until the soft classical music that played in my car calmed me down.

How is somebody's eyes "amazed"? Then again, just how the heck does she know this? She's not looking at herself so there is no way that she can know without a doubt that her eyes give off a vibe of amazement. For all she knows they could be blood shot.

I'm sure you already know this, but you have an awful lot of improper dialogue closings in this piece.

Here is an example:

“It was something that displayed the past#0040FF ">.” I answer. It is partially true, after all.

That period is supposed to be a comma.

What I saw made me stand. She was looking out the window. Outside, branches and leaves from fallen trees were #0040FF ">blowing around. Then, small pieces of wood flew. When they got bigger, one crashed into our front window, #0040FF ">breaking it and allowing the cold air to seep inside our home. #0040FF ">I screamed as I watched a tornado form a few miles behind the houses across the street.

Alright, this should be the big reveal moment where I as the reader should be, "Oh my goodness! That is absolutely terrifying!" You did not convey that feeling for me. "blowing around" sounds quite boring, and that does not belong in this intense paragraph. Maybe, "shaking violently" "trembling ferociously" "having their leaves torn off". Anything that indicates that it is The Storm of Storms!

Another boring word is "breaking" try "shattering" "imploding" "spider-webbing" if these people have bullet proof windows. (When I'm a successful movie director that will be something that I wouldn't feel safe without. Of course, they may also trap me in the house. Then again, I'd have ways to get through them).

Now for the last part highlighted in blue. I've actually seen a tornado rage a mere few hundred feet away. It is so terrifying that you can't even scream because your throat just constricts from the sheer majestic horror of it. It's quite hard to peel yourself away from the swirling vortex that is much more powerful than a hurricane by sheer wind power. There really is nothing else like it in this Earth. You really gain a new perspective on life when you look death in the face. So on that night, the tornado simply took the roof off my dad's work shop and everyone was fine.

But to this day, that is an event that I cannot shake from my memories. So yes, screaming because of a tornado is just silly. Please do change that reaction to something memorable for the reader. Oh yeah, since at the moment the tornado is rather bland perhaps you can incorporate what I am about to tell you.

You know how you told me this story was about a storm that destroys the world and that the survivors are to retell the story of the Bible? Well, you know how tornadoes are described as sounding like freight trains or roaring lions? A roaring lion often symbolizes Satan in the Bible. As does a dragon, and finally, an angel. I would a lions roar to describe how the tornado sounds. It can create a dark mood for the story, a shadow of events to come. "From all around me, the tornado roared like a tornado." OK, the way I have it written there is kind of sloppy, but I'm just giving you a rough example of how you could use it. Tinker with it, you are the author, I'm just a reviewer whose screen name is AspiringAuthorA..M.

#0040FF ">I looked down at the presents that I would never get to hold. My entire life flashed before me, and I realized how little I had taken advantage of it. All the treats, the newest games and toys, and the top fashions had been given to me since day one. Of course I treated my things well, but I never really thought about what would happen if I didn’t have them, or anything for that matter.

My goodness, she is close enough that he has to look down at them and she insists that she will never get the chance to hold them!? Gracious, I would said that she throws herself on the ground and gathers them like a mother duck shelters her young underneath her wings as a storm rages around her. Then I would have her drop the presents as her dad pulls her away. It would add a sort of symbolic emotion to this part. You know, gifts clattering on the ground, foreshadowing a future were presents will be no more.

Closing words:

Classy, classy, you really have grown a lot since this story. You're probably a better writer than me right now, but sadly, this early draft of your piece is not much more than an easy read. An easy read is usually liked by everybody, but it is always nice to see thought provoking and particularly note worthy moments in a story. Right now, thing sort of just happen. If you have improved this story please do copy and paste it here. Or at least tell me that you have done some editing.

Have a nice day.

- :smt059

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Sun Jan 03, 2010 3:58 am

PenNPaper wrote a review...

Hi, PenNPaper here.
Interesting, i was hooked on i must admit.
The whole global warming thing, it sounded boring at first, but then it became exciting.
Also you spelled holes as hoes.

Thats all the mistakes that I spotted, hope to see the next part come out soon, Ciao for now!

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Sun Jan 03, 2010 2:28 am

captain.classy says...

Haha, thanks you guys! Next chapter won't be up for a while, I am doing some major editing and more description of the five senses and things, since that is obviously what I need to work on.
I appreciate you all!

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Thu Dec 31, 2009 5:22 am

Hippie wrote a review...

Hi Classy. Thought I'd drop by since you took the time to do me a review yesterday.

I found the descriptions of what the surroundings looked like good, and they weren't overbearing. However, to really draw me into this world you need to invoke the other senses too. It might help to put the five senses as headings on a piece of paper and brainstorm lists of all the sounds, smells etc. that would be present in the scene. Then pick the ones that best suit the story's atmosphere or reflect the protagonist's mood to use.

One area of potential that you didn't explore much is tension. There's too little time spent between finding out about the storm and the breaking of the storm. This could be spent building your characters' fears and making them more edgy. You mentioned that the family is usually bickering and the father loses his temper. Maybe you could let their moods turn blacker and blacker as the clouds do the same. The storm would be a metaphor for the family's hostile relationship and vice versa. Not only that but it would introduce another level of conflict and be a boon for character development, and as long as the tension gets greater and greater, with just the right amount of mystery you should be able to hook the reader deep in the throat.

My feelings are mixed about using the old woman recounting the events. On the one hand you get access to a more mature POV, so if there's something the reader needs to know that the younger version of Mary didn't know, you can still show it through the older one's point of view. On the other hand it gives away the fact that Mary survives, so you lose that little bit of tension. Only you know what will come later in the story, so only you can decide whether the older Mary will enhance or detract from the story.

The main character did have a personality, and your mention of her leaving the house when the arguments get too much and listening to classical music helps show her serenity and love of peace. The other characters don't seem to be much more than names, with a temper mentioned for the father. A slower buildup as I mentioned before for tension would help bring forth their personalities - which is important, becasue there's no point in killing a character if the reader doesn't care about them. You can tell us that Mary's crying when they die, but to make the reader cry too (or at least feel a little sad), they need to care for the family like Mary does.

The finishing line is a good hook. What things should she know? Read the next part.

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Wed Dec 30, 2009 6:14 am

Chirantha wrote a review...

Ahh, good thing you decided to write this in past tense. My, my, my I never thought the second chapter would go this way. Nice idea.

Mistakes

I ran down the stairs, my eyes amazed. My family was up and sitting around a gas-lit fire, all waiting to unwrap the multicolored presents under the silver-tip Christmas tree.

One thing, cut the 'the' in the 'the stairs'
Second thing, make these two sentences one sentence, like this, "I ran down stairs, amazed to see my family........."

Father held up his hand to stop my mouth.

Better to say, "to stop me from retaliating"

She was sat up and felt the back of her shoulder. Blood came back when she lifted up her hand.

I really can't understand what you trying to say here. It seems me like, "She sat up, feeling the back of her shoulder. Blood flowed down as she lifted her hand."

I saw tears flow to my father’s pupils as he tried to pull again.

Put the word, 'me' after 'pull'

“Cable?” Mr. Bick sat up, suddenly more interested.

I suppose this is still in present tense, so make it, "Mr. Bick sits up,........"

“Hello? Is anyone here?”

Didn't the boy already know that the girl is there? Or was he searching for the rest of her family?

His clothes, tan shorts and a white t-shirt, were all torn up, and full of dirt and hoes.

I assume you mean, 'holes' here.

“Hello?” The boy ran up behind me and stopped in his tracks.

It's better to say, "What's wrong?" instead of 'hello' as he already said hello and it doesn't suit the situation.

My basement, the place where my family was hiding, was crushed by the three giant trees that used to live in my backyard.

How can trees fall straight on to the basement, and leave the house unaffected?

Characters

You really should work on your characters more. I really can't picture any of them. Although you are contributing immensely towards the plot of the story, you never really did anything for the reader to picture the characters in their mind. They seem vague, out of focus, faceless strangers only lit by the story. Change that imagery. Add descriptive sentences within the plot.

Descriptions

Now, you briefly described somethings, but they were not that good. Like here:

I ran from the basement to the living room. The white carpet was already covered in dirty raindrops, and our Christmas tree was on the floor, and we didn’t seem to have a couch anymore.

I can briefly imagine some of these, but you could have added a bit more. Like the sound of howling wind, the trembling ground, the eerie sound of wind, etc.

These thing adds a lot of interest to the story. Makes it more colourful.

Plot

I love your idea of the plot. Although I have no idea on where it's going with it, but it seems a really great idea. And I an inkling that I know a small bit of the plot. I maybe wrong, but who knows. Well done on developing this kind of a plot.

Well, Good luck

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Wed Dec 30, 2009 12:50 am

captain.classy says...

Thanks you guys! So happy! <3

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Tue Dec 29, 2009 6:44 am

Nick101 wrote a review...

Well, Classy, 3icanbefixed practically corrected everything so there isn't much that I can do. I am impressed how you switched into present tense without difficulty and you had better description in present tense this time. Bravo. But I will tell you something that is crucial to all writers: Touch, Taste, Smell, Sight, and Sounds. If you can put all those things together when writing your descriptions would be even better.

I like where this is going. Original. Please PM me when you have the next installment!

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Tue Dec 29, 2009 3:03 am

icanbefixed wrote a review...

Wow, Classy this is really good. You had me hooked. I don't think I blinked while reading it.

this is my first time to thoroughly critique something, so I may be atrocious... or just plain stupid.

captain.classy wrote:The house was colder than it usually was in winter.

I would say.. "The house was colder than it usually was in the winter." Just because it flows better.

captain.classy wrote:Because every other day in our house, the air was filled with constant bickering, then my father’s temper would turn physical, and, finally, I would run out the front door and drive around our small little town until the soft classical music that played in my car calmed me down.

I think there are unneccesary commas here. It would seem a little softer like this,
"Every other day in our house the air was filled with constant bickering, then my father's temper would turn physical, and finally I would run out the front door and drive around our small town until the soft classical music playing in my car calmed me down."

captain.classy wrote:“Mary, stop!” She shrieked between laughs.
“Well, there’s something we have to talk to you kids about first.” Father sat down his cup and wrapped an arm around my mother’s shoulder.

Who shrieked between laughs? I would have said, "'Mary, stop!' Elisabeth shrieked between laughs."

captain.classy wrote:Father held up his hand to stop my mouth. “It’s not just any storm. Scientists have said it’s the effect of global warming. And, we will have to move to the basement at approximately,” he looked at his watch. Yes, the first thing he did when he woke up Christmas morning was put on a watch, “three o’clock. We have six hours.”

There needs to be more detail behind the watch. "yes, the first thing he did when he woke up Christmas morning was put on a watch. It seemed as if time was of high importance to him, even on the holidays," Would seem more detailed, since that is what we're going for here

captain.classy wrote:I shook my head at my sister. She was just staring at the little space between my parents heads. I looked through them, also, to see what had caught her interest.
What I saw made me stand. She was looking out the window. Outside, branches and leaves from fallen trees were blowing around. Then, small pieces of wood flew. When they got bigger, one crashed into our front window, breaking it and allowing the cold air to seep inside our home. I screamed as I watched a tornado form a few miles behind the houses across the street.

I love this! It's interesting how you transition here, I would have never thought of doing that myself. And the tornado? It needs to be described in full detail. How tall, how large, what it's contents were... Was there a cow floating in the distance, as well?

captain.classy wrote:My eight year-old sister didn’t deserve this. She was sat up and felt the back of her shoulder.

The first sentence doesn't flow. It needs to be a thought, "She doesn't deserve this, I thought, She's only eight years old."

captain.classy wrote:“Well we need that! We can’t take Elisabeth to the hospital!” Mother flung her hands to the sky as if asking God why he was doing this to us.

Continue with "Mother's" thoughts when she flings her hands. Add a "I didn't think this was God's doings, it was inevitably ours," or something like that. Lol.

captain.classy wrote:I was going to try and keep my family alive, even if it meant my death.

You should foreshadow here. I don't have any ideas, I just think it deserves a little more thought.

Pretty Crazy wrote:I went to grab it, and as I did the wall behind me fell, and I with it. I looked outside and the tornado was about a hundred feet away, tossing things in all directions.

"I went to grab it, and the wall followed, taking me to the ground." This is just how I fancy the wording of that sentence, it's more of an opinion than a critique. "As I looked outside I noted the tornado only about a hundred feet away, tossing things in all directions." This flows a little better in my mind...

I felt red liquid flow onto my forehead, and my vision went black.

This doesn't have a reason, the tornado surpassed her house. Could you say "A stray wind blew chunks of debris inside our house yet again. I felt red liquid..."?

Pretty Crazy wrote:“How did they keep it that secret from you for that long?”

The repeat of the word "that" either needs to be emphasized or eliminated. For example, "How did they keep it that secret from you for that long?" or
"How did they keep a secret from you for so long?"

captain.classy wrote:“Well, there were many things they did. My father didn’t read the newspaper, so that was easy. He would just throw it away. That week I wasn’t able to visit friends, and they claimed the cable was out.” Their faces turn blank. I think for a minute, and realize how easily I have forgotten that it isn’t 2009 anymore. These people have no idea what cable or television is.

"Their faces turned blank." Does this sound better?
"...how easily I had forgotten it wasn't 2009 anymore. These people have no idea what cable..." There she's remembering it's not 2009. Also, can you clarify what year it is?

captain.classy wrote:and possibly pieces of my favorite blue sweater.

Awwh! It's great that you personalize her sweater. Could you incorporate a memory with her and that sweater?

captain.classy wrote:He had a tan, round face with dark eyes. His long brown hair stopped above the end of his neck, but never reached his shoulders. His clothes, tan shorts and a white t-shirt, were all torn up, and full of dirt and hoes.

Can you use a different word than tan to describe the shorts? Like khaki (is that how you spell it?) or light brown?
"...and full of dirt and hoes." Is he a playa or do you mean holes? If it's holes, you mention his clothing being torn previously, and it is not needed.

captain.classy wrote:My spirits lifted, knowing that someone smart was around.

This just sounds a little weird to me, I had to read it over.

The rest is great! If I was (like i said previously I would be) atrocious and took over, than I apologize. Thanks for posting!

TEEHEE!
</3icanbefixed

ps: A funny thing about when I was reading this... Downstairs they are playing Call of duty: Modern Warfare 2, and the background music really kind of suited this.. lol. It made it exciting, not that it wasn't already.. But you get what I mean!

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Mon Dec 28, 2009 10:17 pm

Pretty Crazy wrote a review...

This is interesting. Some people would be turned off at the mention of global warning, but I agree it's a very real possibility. I can't wait to see what happens next. A few pointers though:

His clothes, tan shorts and a white t-shirt, were all torn up, and full of dirt and hoes.

hoes? I think you mean "holes"

Description. Where is it? You describe a few people, some of the setting, but not a lot feel. What does she feel like? I'm sure her head hurts, she's extremely sad, confused etc.

Other than that I loved it. Add some more description and that will help a lot. Keep writing this.

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The Last Storm (2)

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