Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Knock, knock, knock. I shake my head, stand up and place the pair of baby shoes I’m sewing on my couch. I walk over to my door and open it. Two tall men stand before me, wearing black suits with classy shoes. I think about the last time I saw a suit, sixty years ago, and my fathers.

“Mrs. Peirce?” The two men walk into my house without and invite. I close the door and lowly place myself back on the couch, trying not to care that they are staring at my pictures and books spread across the small home I’m forced to live in.

“We called earlier.” The young man with dark brown hair says as if I am too dumb to know who he is.

“Yes,” I say in my cold, raspy voice, “I know.” I pick up the shoes and begin to sew a small teddy bear on to each one.

“So, you know what we are here for then?” Asks the other man with the dark skin, deep black hair and cold eyes. A wide smile spreads across his face, but I ignore it. I know he’s just putting on an act for me. They do. After all, need me. I am the only one left. There are no others like me left. So, if the new generations want any stories of historical events, I will have to tell them.

“Mr. Colton, that is your name, yes?” The darker man nods, probably a bit stunned. He didn’t expect me to remember his name. “I am not stupid. I may look old, and I may not have much energy left, but I have been through worse things than you can ever imagine. Now, do you want your story or not?”

“Yes, I do.” His partner, Mr. Bick, sits down on my light blue couch next to him. They pull out note pads and prepare to write.

I cough, clearing my throat, and begin my story.

Hello, Cap'n! I'm going to review now. :3

I think about the last time I saw a suit, sixty years ago, and my fathers.

The two men walk into my house without and invite.

They do. After all, need me. I am the only one left. There are no others like me left.

“So, you know what we are here for then?” Asks the other man with the dark skin, deep black hair and cold eyes. A wide smile spreads across his face, but I ignore it. I know he’s just putting on an act for me. They do. After all, need me. I am the only one left. There are no others like me #0040FF ">left. So, if the new generations want any stories of historical events, I will have to tell them.

Interesting. It kind of reminded me of the first chapter of Interview with the Vampire. If you've never read it, it's an awesome book. I like how you introduce the character at old age, because that hardly ever happens anymore. I can't wait to read the rest of the story:))
~mollytate

P.S. Everytime I read what you put below your user name I laugh really hard.

Hmm, this is probably the first time I'm reviewing a present tense story. I think I'll give a shot at it.

Mistakes

Knock, knock, knock. I shake my head, stand up and place the pair of baby shoes I’m sewing on my couch.

The two men walk into my house without and invite.

I close the door and lowly place myself back on the couch

They do

His partner, Mr. Bick, sits down on my light blue couch next to him.

Hi Classy,

As a frame, I rather like this. I'm pleased that the narrator is a grumpy elderly woman, subverting the unfortunate tendency for female characters to be (a) weak and (b) young and beautiful.

The writing needs a bit of a polish - you have a lot of misspellings, incorrect dialogue punctuation, etc. In addition, I thought that the language was quite simplistic at times. The sentence structure is simple and the vocabulary seems more appropriate to a child. Description is limited to short, simple adjective-noun phrases, like "cold, raspy voice" and "dark skin". There's no imagery, no metaphors, no simile. No themes. No parallels. No complexity.

You also missed some great opportunities to build character. For example, one of the quickest ways to illustrate a character is to describe their house. But all we learn about the narrator's house is that it's "small" and she has "pictures and books". You can pack a lot of information into a short space here. Where has she chosen to live, and why? If she's "forced" to live here, why does she have to be "forced", and what has she done to cover up the things she doesn't like? What kind of "books" does she have - are we talking novels, classics, romances, are they new and unread or battered and well-loved? Is the place clean, or does she let it get dusty and crowded? What elements of the narrator's character can you bring out here?

Overall, I think this is a good start which needs a little polish and a lot more complexity and characterisation.

Hope this helps.

Cheers,
Karsten

Nick- You're not evil, You are right! Thanks! They are knitted. lol, silly Classy. I do agree with you, the first paragraph is a little bit boring. Maybe I'll move some stuff at the end up to the top.

joshuapaul- you are very right. I do need more description in here. But, she really is not afraid of those two men. Maybe I need to explain that further. And yes! They are kitted, oops! Thanks for the review. I thought reading over this five times would help the mistakes. Obviously not!

Lava- I suppose it isn't very personal, not to give anything away, but she doesn't like to open up to people or show them her emotions. You'll learn more about it in the second chapter.

Thanks you guys! Your really helped. Next chapter will be up soon!

Hey Cap'n!

Well, I'm not going into the grammatical things.
I just wanted to point out that if the MC had a little more description- the way she felt about those two men, the way she responds to them entering- would be better. Without that, it seems slightly not personal. Hope you get what I mean.

~Lava

Hello, JP here, hope this helps!

captain.classy wrote:Woah, okay, first attempt at writing in present tense. The entire story will not be like this, but can you guys help me out! I'm struggling. There's no way to write this without it in present tense. Thanks!


The Last Storm


Knock, knock, knock. I shake my head, stand up and place the pair of baby shoes I’m sewing #FF0000 ">(knitting?) on my couch. I walk over to #FF0000 ">the door and open it. Two tall men stand before me, wearing black suits with classy shoes. I think about the last time I saw a suit, sixty years ago, and my fathers.

“Mrs. Peirce?” The two men walk into my house without #FF0000 ">an invite #FF0000 ">(or 'without invitation'). I close the door and lowly place myself back on the couch, trying not to care that they are staring at my pictures and books spread across the small home I’m forced to live in.

“Yes,” I say in my cold #FF0000 ">(would she refer to her voice as cold and raspy? perhaps say "Yes," I respond with a deliberate scowl' or something of the like), raspy voice, “I know.” I pick up the shoes and begin to #FF0000 ">stich a small teddy bear on to each one.

“So, you know what we are here for then?” Asks the other man with the dark skin, deep black hair and cold eyes. A wide smile spreads across his face, but I ignore it. I know he’s just putting on an act for me. They do. After all, need me. I am the only one left. There are no others like me left. So, if the new generations want any stories of historical events, I will have to tell them.

“Mr. Colton, that is your name, yes?” The darker man nods, probably a bit stunned. He didn’t expect me to remember his name. “I am not stupid. I may look old, and I may not have much energy left, but I have been through worse things than you can ever imagine. Now, do you want your story or not?”

“Yes, I do.” His partner, Mr. Bick, sits down on my light#FF0000 ">(find a better word) blue couch next to him. They pull out note pads and prepare to write.

I cough, clearing my throat, and begin my story.

Hello Classy. First thing first congratulations on trying present tense, but I have to tell you you have to add a bit more description. Example:

captain.classy wrote:I shake my head, stand up and place the pair of baby shoes I’m sewing on my couch. I walk over to my door and open it.