The Eagle and I

I love this poem! It is really good. But I only have two things to comment on. First, I am wondering what it is she did??? But your poem is perfect the way it is, I don't think you should actually put it in, but I was just wondering as I read it. From the way it looks, I think it is murder, but I'm just guessing. Or maybe its all the sins she has committed in her life. I don't know.

As well as that, what is really bothering me (I mean a lot) Is that first line. Thw whole poem had a deep and very emotional feel, but the first line makes it sound like a light, poem, or a joke. That line confused me and it made mw wonder if it was even meant to be there.

Apart from that, what a fantastic poem!!! My favourite verse:

cammie wrote:It is unbreakable determination.
So I let that thought lift my mud-splattered sneaker
And take my first step toward a better life.

Hi!

I don't often review poetry--well, to be completely honest, I almost never review poetry--so bear with me here and I apologise if what I say isn't very helpful.

Maybe it's because I dabble more in prose than poetry, but to me, this didn't really feel like a poem. I mean, I don't often write or review poetry, but I have read some, and this seems to read a lot more like a story than a poem. You've got a really strong narrative here; you clearly know what's happening and where you're going and how to help us visualise all that, and with such a strong story, I think this might work better as a straight-up piece of prose.

Writing it as a story doesn't mean that you have to deny yourself poetic writing or imagery or any of that. It's just that what you have here seems practically prose already, just in a poetry format with stanzas and all that. If you look at a lot of poetry (well, the stuff I've read, anyway) you couldn't write it out as a story because it has a strong rhythm or rhyme or it's too vague for a story.

I hope this helps you some. Wall me if you have any questions!

~Flounder

So this was a beautifully, well-written poem! The flow was a bit choppy at times but not something to dwell over too much since it went on well for the better part. I see that you use punctuation, but I can only find a small amount of dots and commas... Either you write completely without (I don't encourrage that) or you have to make it complete, adding enough commas and dots to create full sentences. I also must add that you make amazing descriptions, this piece is very vivid and just sparkling with imagery! Great work!

4/5 spiders too you!


Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

Hey, Cammie! Here to review for the contest... This was really good. You made the flow work well and the wording was very good.

You’ve got to be kidding me.

I crunch down on the words I’ve just heard
And try to shallow them<- You mean swallow?
But I choke
It’s just too much
My breathing comes in rapid gasps

I squint through a puddle
Of salty, steaming tears
I bite my lip hard
Warm blood begins to wind its way
Down my chin
And drip onto the white carpetI really like this stanza...

I sprint outside
The door clashes behind me
I yelp like a dying gazelle
The hard barrier of fence before me
A climbing contest I know I can’t win
I spot a nail and grab it
My hand jerks away
Flaming
I charge through the wood
Splinters dig into my skin
Hurtling myself beyond this evil world
I thud onto the other side of the wall,
My back smashes into soil
With an explosion of dust
I lay paralyzed for a few seconds
But am soon running again
Leaving my destruction behind me
But the destruction she left behind can never be forgivenThis long stanza was great as a whole. You got the story moving very well, and your wording was good.

The dry golden weeds
Wrap and knot themselves
Around my raw red ankles
Winds shrieks into my ear
Invading my brain with one message
I will never forgive her
I surge faster
As I glance into the grumpy, grey sky
I see a soldier against the wind
An eagle, streaming like a jet
With its teasing gaze
From its pale yellow eye
It challenges me to beat it
And I crush innocent pebbles as I race
But the eagle is winning.Very good, not much to say about this except, good metaphors!

I stop as it rushes past on the breeze
And flop into the mud
Realization sucks the air from my lungs like a vacuum
I can’t defeat the eagle.
I can’t defeat the power of her lies, either.I like how you matched the evil person with the eagle here; it was interesting.
So I just have to let the wind take me
Like the eagle when it swirls through the skies

As I stand up, I search for my savior
But all I can see is the clouds
Which now look a bit more encouraging and bright
The sky is actually more of a sapphire blue then gray
And the grass looks waves to cheer me on,
Instead of weighing me down
I know the thing that drives the eagle.
It is unbreakable determination.
So I let that thought lift my mud-splattered sneaker

And take my first step toward a better life.

All I can say is that this was an amazing, well written poem. I have never read such a great poem like this one before. At first, I couldn't tell what it was about. But as I read farther into the poem, it made more and more sense. And when you wrapped it up with a hidden message, I knew I was in love with this poem. I'd have to say that it was perfect in every single element you can think of. Amazing piece of work.

This is great! Your detail is really really good. You literally created pictures in my mind as I read. Excellent job!

Thanks tgirly! Hey, you live in South Dakota? Cool! Is that near Colorado? That's where I live. But right now I'm in Florida visiting my grandparents and going to the BEACH! Tomorrow I'm going to go to universal for the third time. we always get the express pass so we can do the men in black ride like 5 times while all the other people are stillw aiting for their first turn! Our family competes and compares scores. Have you ever been to universal? Well, anyway, I'm excited. And then were gonna get home and baby chicks are going to come in the mail! So cute! Well, you probably don't care about any of this. I just need someone to talk to! Bye.
-Cammie

I think it would flow a little better if instead of Which now look a bit more encouraging and bright, it was Which now look a bit more bright. I like the poem. I like how you don't know what she did, or who she is, or even who he is.

This is a beautiful poem with a beautiful story. Thanks for posting it. It will give me something to think about for several days