Bumblebee's Journey

Lovely poem! I like it a lot. 'kaleidoscope' I don't exactly know why but I kind of find this word funny. For some reason. (I'm just weird like that. ) I vaguely remember hearing it somewhere before. Anyways, back to your poem. I don't have much to say on it so I am just going to let you know I liked it. My favourite verse was the first and second. I liked those a lot. I found the end verse slightly disappointing. I think you could've expanded on that, done more on that. But it was a cool poem.

Deanie x

Aaah! Why did the blue not show up? Oh well, sorry about that... hopefully it won't be too confusing...

Hey, Cammie! Here to review, as promised. I really liked this. It was different than most poetry I've read; it was lighthearted for the most part, but also had sort of a plot and conflict. My points will be in blue.
Cruising on a river of air
Searching for a tropical paradise
He bobs along as if jamming to tunes<- Interesting word choice; makes it seem informal.

Spots an excellent landing place
To rest his tired explorer feet
And close his tiny kaleidoscope eyes<- I thought this stanza was good; especially the last 2 lines were cute. The word excellent doesn't seem to fit for some reason, though... maybe "soft" or "cozy" to match the mood?

A sun-stained rose with silver tears
An almost flawless rosy island
But there is no such thing as perfect Very good. This has lovely imagery and sets up the plot well.

He zooms in on the speck of petal<- Not a big deal, but "speck of petal" sounds like... dust. Not bad, though, just a personal issue. ;P
Dives with wings tucked aside
Into the silken scarlet flower<- Good!

His fuzzy toes touch the unexpected
His charcoal and golden body quivers
The thorn of the rose pierces his side

His fragile, pom-pom form punctured
Crying in agony, limp and stiff
He fears as darkness overwhelms him<-Nice! You climax here and use good word choices.

And just when he thinks all is lost
A delicate hand extends toward him
Placing him gently onto the rose<- Yay! He's alive! Very sweet way to save him.

He sleeps there in peace,
Journey complete.Short, but good ending.

This was very good! It was definitely something I never would have thought of writing. The style of it seems sweet and innocent-ish, but still real. It's refreshing- not really moving like some other poems, but enjoyable and easy. (That's a good thing, every once in a while:) ) And I'm (very) allergic to bees, so it's pretty good that you were able to make me cheer for and empathize with this little guy. I wanted to point out your color choices. Instead of saying "black" you used "charcoal," etc. That's always a good idea! Good luck!
Oh, and "like" for you!

That was really cute! I loved the imagry and the way you describe the way the bee moves. I never thought about it like "jamming to tunes" hahah. Keep it up

-Kels ;D

Hi,

I absolutely love this! I though I would use the whole poem to review, so here goes:

Cruising on a river of air
Searching for a tropical paradise
He bobs along as if jamming to tunes

Spots an excellent landing place
To rest his tired explorer feet
And close his tiny kaleidoscope eyes I think you spelled that wrong.

A sun-stained rose with silver tears
An almost flawless rosy island Coma after flawless, maybe?
But there is no such thing as perfect

He zooms in on the speck of petal
Dives with wings tucked aside
Into the silken scarlet flower

His fuzzy toes touch the unexpected
His charcoal and golden body quivers
The thorn of the rose pierces his side Made me scream, "NOOOOO!"

His fragile, pom-pom form punctured
Crying in agony, limp and stiff
He fears as darkness overwhelms him

And just when he thinks all is lost
A delicate hand extends toward him
Placing him gently onto the rose

He sleeps there in peace,
Journey complete.

I thought this was just down-right adorable! I absolutely loved the bee. I love how you put this structure wise. I usually don't like this kind of structure, but you made it belong. Good job! I can't wait to read more.

Farewell,
A.

Very cute poem you have here. I really like it. I could picture everything. And it has great flow. I like how the last stanza is only two lines. It completes it very nicely. While I read this, I felt like I was watching a cartoon and how everything is so hippy skippy and happy. I love that feel.

The only thing I think you could change is the line:

He bobs along as if jamming to tunes

Hi cammie! I just wanted to say how much I loved this poem! It was incredibly cute and just made be feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I don't really have any nitpicks, and sorry this review is so rubbish: I just wanted to say that I adored this poem. It was innocent, sweet, and beautiful!
-Alia

Un little piece. Good work!

It is almost sickeningly cute lol. Most cute poems try and swing by on mediocre rhymes and sunshine but you add a little touch of darkness like the best childrenlike tales. The style can stumble a tad when read aloud but this is minor. I didn't find the last stanza very abrupt either, a solid end. Very f

This is so darn....CUTE!!! I gotta agree with TheScratchMan. You just make that bee sound adorable. I was grinning while reading this and I didn't spot any errors. Such a cute little bee....

Hey everybody.. If you like this poem will you like it with the little "like" button at the top?

thanks so much 'ScratchMan. i was kind of aiming for that. but maybe it didn't work because in the end you were supposed to be either sad or happy. i left the end open to be interpreted, so people thnik he dies, and some think he is saved. i'll never tell which it is. but making him cute was part of the sceme to get you to be attached to him and then when he gets hurt your supposed to feel sad. but anyway if you thought it was cute the whole way throught that's fine too.

I have no idea why, but I find this to be one of the cutest poems I have ever read. Maybe it's that bee. You made him/her(?) sound so completely adorable. Your descriptions were very nice and I especially like the second stanza about 'little explorer feet'.
Great writing!
TSM

I'm new here too! Yay for new people!
anyways, on the subject of the poem, I thought it was really good. It has good flow and a sense of finality that ties i with the story it tells. good job

I also really liked it- very interesting subject!

I like that your use of shorter lines and omition of pronouns gives the poem a sort of snappy, bee-like pace before slowing down again in the 5th stanza when you use them more frequently... I don't know, maybe i'm reading too much in, but i thought it drew attention to the gravity of the event.

The only thing i would suggest is that maybe adding some more puntuation to phrases would be useful... although, on rereading, i notice that you use them in the final stanza and it adds to the pacing i mentioned earlier- out of interest, was it intentional?

Sorry if i'm a bit all over the place! I'm new too, this is my first review!

Thanks Shinobiinfinity! i'm new here (u can probably tell) and i can't figure out how to reveiw a specific person's work. i could reveiw some of yours... except, don't know how! thanks again!

Awesome job! All I can say is... Maybe add a line to the last stanza? I don't know, you may have done it to portray finality, but still, awesome poem!