Ok, so I thought I'd just try this style. It's called a tritina, so it sounds a little weird, but hopefully you'll like it.
Alone I glide, breathtakingly magical
Each oar I lift drips and glitters
With drops of water. Boat tilts with a steady swish
Smoothly paddles turn and swish,
And glass film breaks with a shatter of magic
Lake sparkles with the specks of glitter
Just as I look beneath, a fish swims by, a trail of glitter
Left behind. The echo of the tail swishing
Below. Silence is the natural magic
With a glitter of water, the wind swishes by, and the magic rains in the form of sunshine.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
138,082 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
I've never heard of tritina, so that's what drew me to this poem. Overall, a very listless poem, which is good here, since it's about drifting along in a canoe. As a semi-avid caoner myself, I really enjoyed it. It's like every time I hop into a canoe--lazily floating down a river or across the lake. Beautiful.
The only problem I had was the word "smoothly" at the start of the second stanza. Personally, I try to avoid adverbs, because they look awkward and it's easy to be dependent on them. If there's a way to reword that first line (obviously still ending in "swish"), that would be much smoother.
Other than that, excellent job! You taught me a new poetic form, and you make me want to read more about it and try some of my own.
KF
I like your poem. Unfortunately, I don't know anything about the style, but I did like the imagery you used. Your descriptions made me feel as if I was doing the paddling myself. One thing that jarred me out of the rhythm of the poem was the the punctuation you used. For example in this stanza
Poetry is a lot like prose except that poetry doesn't need to tell a story and doesn't have to be in paragraphs, but the punctuation rules are the same. When you continue a sentence, even if it's on a new line, you don't have to capitalize the beginning of the continuing line. Also, don't forget to put commas where you need them. Like in this line.
Otherwise, this was a great poem. Keep writing!
I REALLY liked this poem. It was completely different from all the others, but it was so beautifully written. It seemesd so magical and enchanting, totally out of this world. To me, the way the verse were laid out was a little weird and personally it bugged me a little, but at the beginning you kind of warned us it would be different, and since I don't know this style of poem I can't really complain can I? Good job Cams!
Deanie x
*Shivers* That was exceptionally. And you're only twelve?? You're going to be a poet to be feared when you're older!
The detail in this poem was visually stunning and exceeds the skill of someone nearly twice you're age. The only thing I can find wrong with it (since I'm not very familiar with this form) is that you use the word "glitter" a lot. Try a different word that would still be as effective like "glisten".
Again, this is VERY good. I hope to read more of your work!
Veritas
Hi there!
This is a really good poem, I love how you compare the droplets of water to glitter and the nature to magic. It shows how beautiful nature truly is! And I love how you mixed sunshine with rain the the last line!
It kind of gives a view of two opposite things.
I love this poem! Great job!
Keep writing!
~~Destiny110