Well, this is the newly rewitten version of my novel, formally known as Poisoned Roses. I have a reason for changing the title and I really hope you all like it.
Inconcessus is Latin for "forbidden" so I think it fits... at least I hope it does 
Let me know!
**To all my faithful critique-rs: THANKS--KJ, Night Mistress, Angel of Death, Lucyy, Dommy65, Ducati, Demeter, JabberHut, Merry_Haven, & Niccy_V--You Guys Rock!**
Happy Reading!
If you want to read the others, follow these links:
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PREFACE
My body flirted with the shadows. One moment I was in plain sight, easy to spot even within them; then I would vanish, melting into the surrounding darkness. The air was heavy with the smell of spring. Even at night, it seemed that the earth was moving, growing, and giving way to new life. The moon was a plump, hazy silhouette peeking coyly through the trees. My body was rigid, tensed for when he would come. It was hard for me to move quickly when my instincts were screaming at me to turn away, knowing what I would be doing in just minutes.
It still amazed me how simple it had been to lure him here. I knew that it should’ve been a signal for me to prevent what was happening. And yet, I didn’t think twice about it, not thinking it was wrong in any way. This made me clamp my eyes shut in frustration and I halted, fighting against myself.
Part of me still wanted Isaac—the boy who had seemed to flip my world on it’s axis in less than a few months—dead so that I could have his blood—the blood that had been cruelly taunting me for months. Never before had I been repulsed with this desire, but after meeting and getting to know Isaac, I feared that he had changed something in me for good.
Snarling at the thought, I continued forward, pushing myself to meet him. It was for Isaac’s own good. We could never stay together if he didn’t complete the transformation. Everyone agreed that if we were to continue to see each other, it was our only option.
An owl hooted nearby, and I heard the unmistakable crunch of feet treading upon dried leaves.
Isaac had arrived.
I allowed him to come to me, knowing that if I rushed to meet him, his intoxicating aroma would render me vulnerable and incapable of controlling the thirst – the thirst that would rise in my throat if I didn’t execute at least the tiniest portion of willpower. I knew that if I didn’t prepare myself, my senses would spiral out of control and the end result could be deadly.
Isaac slowly took form, his lean figure fuzzy at the edges, until he stood before me, skin flushed in the cool evening air. His eyes—at first—were wary, glancing all around for signs of pretence. I couldn’t read his expression because the shadows threw his face into sharp angles.
When he found no pretences, he took another step forward, his face becoming easier to see. I noticed that a smile was tugging at the corner of his mouth, indenting his cheeks. I felt the tension leak slowly from my body, realizing that I had nothing to fear. Everything would turn out exactly how it was supposed to.
“Isaac,” I whispered, and took a step towards him. I knew that he could hear the slight waver in my voice, could see the weakness in my step, and know that I was still in love with him.
But he surprised me by holding up his hand to stop my advances. “I know why you brought me here. Nora warned me. She thought I should know as to prepare myself.”
I started, surprised into silence. Since when did Nora find it her responsibility to tell everyone? Infuriated, I clenched my hands into fists at my sides.
“I’m glad she did,” Isaac continued, noting my unyielding figure, “Shouldn’t I have a say in this?” His eyes hardened.
I sighed. “Yes, but I was afraid that if I told you…”
“That you would lose me?” He shook his head. “How could you think that, Sophia? I’m here for you, for us.” He closed the gap between us, his hands smoothing over my shoulders, his skin burning through the soft fabric of my shirt. It made me gasp in shock—his touch never ceased to surprise me.
Then I thought of my disfigured appearance and took a step back. Hurt pooled in his eyes. “I thought we were past this,” he murmured.
“I’m sorry, I just”—collecting myself, I started again—“I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you earlier. You have the right to know what you are getting into before it happens.”
“Thank you.” However, the cynical tone gave away his thoughts—he had yet to understand my motive at keeping him in the dark. I knew that if I tried to explain it again, it would do nothing. It was beyond me.
Tugging on the lower half of my shirt, I continued: “I’ll do it quickly, so it’ll happen fast. Just try to relax, and you’ll be fine.”
“I won’t forget you, will I?” He spoke his fear, and my chest constricted with abrupt emotion. How had I ever thought that I could survive without him? How had I ever tricked myself into thinking that I didn’t need him in my life? His sudden fear of not being able to remember me made these thoughts resurface.
“No, you’ll remember,” I managed to choke out before the emotions washed over me in an upsurge of feeling. It had been so long since I had felt so strongly, especially for him.
Isaac’s expression softened, and with one gentle tug, he hauled me into his arms. I nestled against him, my body giving in to the soft persuasion of his hand on my lower back, telling me to relax. I hugged him closer, not wanting to let go. I took in his sweet scent, but also the smell of the cologne he was wearing and of the shampoo he had used on his hair. His cotton shirt rubbed against my cheek as he brushed the hair from my face, leaving a blazing trail of heat wherever he touched me.
When I finally pulled away, his face was set. “I’m ready.”
Taking a deep breath I nodded, struggling to compose myself. If he was ready to sacrifice his human life for me, I should be able to summon up enough strength and determination to change him. Closing my eyes, I concentrated on our earlier moments, both good and bad. Flashes of his arms around me lying on the beach stuck out in my mind, and I savored them, but only for a moment.
When I opened my eyes, he was observing me with a certain tranquility that revved new life into my silent heart. Pressing my palm between my breasts, my heart pushed gently against my rib cage, pulsating against my fingers. My mouth opened slightly, for never had my heart come to life so suddenly, by pure will instead of when I fed.
Raising my eyes to his, ours locked and I knew it was time.
Walking towards him, I cautioned him with my eyes. He swallowed hard, but he stood steady. I swallowed as well, but not in anxiety. Mine was of the hunger that filled me when his scent surrounded me, his blood so acute that I had to resist the temptation to lick my lips.
My hands smoothed over his chest, hoping that the gesture would ease his nerves. He couldn’t hide them from me; his blood was pounding in his veins like an awakened drum, his heart adding to the erratic tempo. The more his blood rushed, the stronger the scent was. I had the urge to tell him to relax, but I knew it would do no good. There was no way to calm him now.
I knew I wouldn’t be able to do it with his blood moving as it was. So, instead, I decided to ease his thoughts. Leaning slightly away, I breathed softly into his face. It stunned him, his eyelashes fluttering. His orbs then rolled back, and I caught him before he collapsed. Setting him against a tree, he moaned softly. I hadn’t breathed enough to make him pass out, and I knew I had to work quickly.
Lowering my fangs to his neck, I inhaled his scent. I made the smallest of cuts, his blood staining my lower lip.
Then I stopped.
Isaac moaned again, struggling against the fatigue I had put over him. I couldn’t explain the reason I ceased to continue, but when I looked into Isaac’s face, I knew.
I loved him too much to take away the one thing that was keeping him alive. What right did I have to take away his human life? He would be separated from his parents, from his little sister. He would never go to college, never have kids. I was taking all that away from him. And for what?
Because I loved him?
At the moment, it no longer seemed enough to change him. Leaning back on my heels, I slowly wiped the blood from my lower lip, my body giving a violent shudder as I deprived it of the blood it was craving.
“And you were so close,” a velvety voice echoed in the forest, making me leap to my feet in alarm. Members of Aston’s Coven steps from the shadows, their bodies slowly taking form. The males gaze furiously at me—but for only a second—as they all, in turn, glanced at Isaac still lying on the ground, moving his head from side to side as he fought the heavy fog clouding his mind.
“No!” I shouted, running up to the leader and gripping his arm. “Please, Rouke, have mercy!” I pled, my thoughts only on protecting Isaac.
Rouke laughed huskily. “I almost thought you would do it. I almost thought you had the power in you.” He laughed with sorrow this time. “But I was wrong.”
He shoved me out of the way and advanced on Isaac. I screamed and tried to punch Rouke. “No! You can’t do this!” I shrieked. He ordered two of his men to pin me against the nearest tree. Their icy skin stung at my own as they yanked my back against a tree, the rough bark scratching me through my shirt. I bit and scratched my captors, flailing my limbs this way and that in hopes that they would release me, but it did no good.
Rivers flowed down my cheeks when I heard Isaac’s screams pierce the air, and I crumbled to the earth in a heap.
I had failed.
End of chapter
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139,444 Literary Works • 672,564 Reviews
This was amazing, and from what I saw, there wasn't a thing wrong with it. I loved this and now I'm craving for chapter one - which I'm so fixing to go read as soon as I'm done saying this little bit. I loved the detail, and I loved how I could feel the emotion. This makes my two stories seem dull and like a third grader tried to write it compared to this. I'm almost a tid-bit envious. Keep up the good work!
hey there...
you know, i haven't finished reading the chapters yet...but seriously your story is good.
some people may feel offended here (if they read this) but i gotta say...you write better than Stephenie Meyer. your lines, word choices have artistic value (that's my kind of way in phrasing it). the main character's point of view and the way she phrases/says things look deeper than the way Bella does.
it's a good piece! !
Firstly, the boring technicalities:
[spoiler]
Red = My corrections.
Purple = My Suggestions.
Small Purple = My comments.
Italics = What I’ll be commenting on.
[s]Strikethrough[/s] = Omit
¶ = I started new paragraph.
My body flirted with the shadows. One moment I was in plain sight – easy to spot even within them – and then I would vanish, melting into the surrounding darkness. The air was heavy with the smell of spring.
I star[s]t[/s]ed, surprised into silence. Since when did Nora find it her responsibility to tell everyone? Infuriated, I clenched my hands into fists at my sides.
[/spoiler]
...Now...
Wow.
You've probably had this said a ton of times, but this is really good. Exceptionally grabbing.
Right now it just seems to be a fad - the whole vampire romance - what with the whole Twilight thing going... and most of the ones you read just make you wanna jump off a cliff; but this, this is good. I didn't find any problems... not with emotion, not with feeling, not with word flow... if anything I can't recall you ever describing what Isaac or Sophia looked liked, but aside form that, everything was just right.
Really good job... off to read the other 15 now...
Ash!
You did it!
I am so proud!
haha.
I've never read something so...what's the word, so ready? So ready to be published. Even though it was only the preface, it was excelent.
I won't be going line by line...i mean, twelve chapters...Jimminy Crickets. haha.
Well off to the next part.
0.0 woooooow.......
I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! o my god, that was AMAZING!way awesome story. I cant wait to get to the next chapter. And ya know what rocks? my middle name is Sophia. Hellz yea! Ok, you had great description, and the plot was totally a vortex. It sucked my in completely. I didnt notice any errors, but thats probable because I was zoned out. Or you just did a really good job. WHICH YOU DID!
thank you for blessing us with this wonderful of a story.
what happens next?!
Wow. Just, wow.
I really liked this, ashleylee. First of all, I loved the title. I haven't even read the next parts of the book yet, and I can already see how the title can relate. I loved all of the descriptive language that you used, as well. Totally great!
There were just a few small things that I noticed, because I'm a total perfectionist. 'I allowed him to come to me, knowing that if I rushed to meet him, his intoxicating aroma would render me vulnerable and incapable of controlling the thirst: the thirst that would rise in my throat if I didn't execute at least the tiniest portion of willpower.' I thought that you should have a colon there, instead of a hyphen, but maybe you just liked it better that way; I don't know.
' "I'm glad she did," Isaac continued, noting my unyielding figure. "Shouldn't I have a say in this?" I think that you should have a period there instead of a comma, but if you do keep the comma, you shouldn't have the 'shouldn't' capitalized.
This story was totally brilliant. And do you know what the best thing about it was?
IT WASN'T TWILIGHT!
-AdrianaConnor
*ashleylee~
) Just a thought.
Here are some comments when I read this preface...
1) Title.
I absolutely love the new title. But the thing is, if everyone saw the title to this story, they probably wouldn't know that Inconcessus means forbidden. (in my opinion I like the word, Inconcessus
2) Show and Tell
I'm getting into the show and tell thing here, so not once did I see a tell. It was all descriptions and emotions flowing rightly together. Amazing job!
3) Preface
You know, I don't really remember the preface to Poisoned Roses. So when I read the new, improved version I totally forgot that Sophia wasn't going to take Issac's blood. So you have kept me at the edge of my seat!
4) Vampires
To be truthful, I am not really into vampire novel or stories. I lost all my interest a long time ago. But. I like this one. The reasons why, I still don't know. (sorry) Like any vampy novel, they seem to end the same way. But, I have a feeling this one is going to be different.
5) Issac
There's something changed that you made to him. I love the new him. Maybe it's because the old him was to clingy.
6) Overall
I liked it. Not much I can say about it. But, I do plan one reading more. Love the revisions!
*Merry
Hey, Ashley! Remember when I said I'd review this? xD Yeeeah, never got to it. But! I am here, and we'll see what I think. ^_^
First off, there was one tense change that threw me for a loop:
That's probably because the original was in present tense? I think I remember that of your story 'cause I was all in awe and stuff by how well-written it was. ^_^
*skipping grammar and says her apologies*
This is very much improved! I see you changed a little something, and I rather liked that change. At least you didn't change the outcome. xD I don't think I would have appreciated it if you had Sophia succeed, haha. But I liked it. I didn't think it could get any better, but you obviously proved me wrong. ^_^
I think, however, that it was better when Isaac didn't know what was happening in that the emotion felt right. (Niccy hit this, so I'll try not to dwell.) Isaac's human instincts were his flaw and he fell way to easily into Sophia's trap. Here, Isaac seems to just shrug it off. They're only teenagers, so I find it hard to believe that he'd be risking his life for Sophia. xD
I don't have much to say, though. I probably just sound repetitive. Just wanted to make my mark so you know I'm trying to follow this again! ^_^
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
**Edit: I forgot to comment on the title! I think Forbidden is very appropriate, actually. Their love will never happen--it's forbidden. I like it. ^^ I'm not sure about the Latin thing, though? I mean, it sounds wicked cool, but is there a purpose for it? If this were on the bookstore shelf, not everyone will know the translation. xD Just a thought. ^^
To all YWS readers:
I just changed the title and did some major editing with this so hopefully it is better than the previous draft.
I hope you all favor the new title =]
HERE YOU GO I could not possibly leave you another night. This isn't much, but hey, you ask and I give!
Honestly, I love the rewrite but It's a little sudden. If I were Sophia, I'd be speechless, not go 'she had no right' straight off. She'd be surprised, hurt... think of the emotions YOU would feel. And then incorporate. He's also awfully calm.
Nitpicks in the attachment, and some of the spell changes could be due to the british-american difference, not because you got them wrong and I don't know the differences to do it myself.
This was nicely developed, and I enjoyed it. But my biggest issue:
Your tense. One minute it's past (ed words, etc) then it's (bites, scratches) present. Hm. Not good, really choose one, and stick with it! I suggest past, because that's easiest for the story. Unless you want it in an in the moment thing, then, go for it.
[spoiler]Also, since when does Sophie suddenly become so far from Issak? A second ago she was about to bite him.. and then all of a sudden she's grabbing Rouke and he's advancing? There is no transition - so add one![/spoiler]
Overall, this is pleasing as a rewrite. I loved it Ash, keep up the good work.
Hi, Ashley! Of course I'll review this for you!
Overall:
A well written story, and even though I'm not a fan of vampire stuff, my eyes were almost glued to the screen. You're able to keep the excitement, but still move the story on. However, as I said, you almost lost my interest by not telling earlier more about "him".
You clearly know your grammar – there weren't really mistakes on that, which I was really glad about. There were some punctuation things and a little awkwardness at places, but I think I pointed them all out.
The characterization was also pretty good. I thought almost the whole time that it was Isaac who was the vampire, but in the end it turned out be the girl. That was a nice twist!
All in all, you have a rather good piece here!
Thanks for the read!
Demeter
xxx
Well written in some parts, but horribly cliche in others. I don't know how the rest of the story goes, but they could be alien vampires for all I care. (that sounds like a good idea actually
You have to make me care about what's happening and the characters. You also spent way too much time describing every little thought and scent and all that jazz but it was irrelevant and did nothing for the big picture. I know it's a preface, but therefore it should be more interesting, more exciting than the rest. It should hook the reader, command our attention. Good luck.
WOW!!
loved it!! so much!! this review is pretty much useless but it just keeps getting better with each edit. I can't wait until you post more!!
~Dommy
Hey, ashley! Gosh, I'm so excited about this. Every time you edit the story gets better and better and my fingernails get shorter and shorter (that's a compliment). I hope you can survive round two of suggestions:
Great opening line. I can't remember if this was the opening sentence in the previous drafts, but it's great!
Rewrite: One moment, I was in plain sight, easy to spot even in the shadows. The next, I would vanish, melting into the surrounding darkness.
You could keep the "Then I" if you want; it's up to you. But I think you ought to cut the "my body" since you started the paragraphs out with "My body flirted with the shadows."
You have excellent command of the English language! This is a perfect example of Show not Tell. I love it!!
Delete the comma. It is unnecessary. Great sense of mystery and suspense, though.
Uh, I think you ought to cut this entire sentence. It just adds confusion and little mystery because we don't yet know who Carmen is. A new reader would say, "Okay, I have no idea what that means, but I'll just move on." So get rid of it as dead wood. You can mention his comment later, perhaps when the other vampires jump out at the end.
Again, confusion. We don't really know who Philip is, so you may as well get rid of it.
"Intoxicating." Though this is a very good word to describe his scent, I would rather hear about how vulnerable she is. How vulnerable? Weak at the knees? Heaving bosom? Breathless?
Add some emotion after "whispered." Was she glad to see him? If so, say so. If she was still a tad cautious, say so. If she longed for him, make it obvious. The readers need to know that they are a couple in love.
She doesn't sound indignant. Make it so she does.
Sorry! This is as far as I got. I have to go, but I'll be back later to critique the rest.
~Sunny
This is a great preface, ash, you had me glued to the computer screen throughout.
I only picked up on one little nit-pick:
Instead of saying the emotions you could describe them instead? Something like: I managed to choke out before my overpowering emotions got the better of me. What do you think?
Otherwise, this was totally awesome, and you had amzing imagery throughout. Your opening paragraph was amazing, and really drew me in. So, that's all I can think of to say - I can't wait for more!!
Your devoted reader,
--Lucyy xx
Hey Ash!
I liked this and the prologue (preface) gets better every time but there's just a few things that I spotted.
I always read these aloud so that I can be of help as much as possible. When I read this, it sorta sounded funny. I would reword this. Try adding a little bit more description or something to let us know the extent of tension.
This didn't read well either. 'There were parts of me that yearned for so many things. I wanted him dead; to taste his blood on my lips.' That's a little rough, but you see what I mean.
And
She had already lost her breath once, so I was kinda confused when she lost it again. Maybe its just me, but I think you could take something out and put some other emotion or action in.
tranquillity should be tranquility.
Other than that this was a great rewrite and I enjoyed reading it. You have some amazing imagery in the beginning paragraph which was a great hook.
Can't wait to read Chapter 1,
~Angel
ohhhh,
i like this a lot better now. So, in this preface Sophia was going to turn Issac but she was interupt by Rouke.
but of course she had the thought of taking him from his family and the things he will never do.
this still looks like a sad ending for sophia.
well, i don't see anything wrong, but i am not much of a reviewer. i am a reader and i love reading your story.
pm me when you have the edited chapter one up.
Hello, my friend.
It isn't perfect yet, and I did spot some things, but they're easily fixed. You've done a good job editing, Ash.
Two things, and they're both about the title. One, Fire and Ice is really name of the troll story in my portfolio - Sweat and Ice - so I don't know if you would want to use something that is similar to something else? I don't care, actually, but I thought you might. The second thing is about the poll. Honestly? I don't think any of the titles listed fit this story. I think you have yet to find the right one. I'm not trying to be harsh, if I'm coming across that way...
As to the rewrite, I guess I don't know what to say. I like your opening line, "My body flirted with the shadows". And I do like how Isaac doesn't seem so clueless and wimpy now
Oh, and this wouldn't be a Prologue. This would be a Preface. This is a glimpse of what's going to happen later in the book, not a beginning, so that's why.
As for corrections, I did spot a few, but I'd really rather just correct the manuscript when you finish it. So keep writing, girl, and print this out when you've finally typed the last period in the last sentence.
Your BFF,
KJ
P.S. I wasn't mad about tonight not working out, don't worry. And sure, we can do something over winter break, no problem. You know my digits ;p