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-Inconcessus- Two



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Wed Dec 24, 2008 3:53 pm
ashleylee says...



Okay, again, I will warn you that this is different from the previous draft of this story. I just hope you all continue to enjoy the path that I have decided to take this story on :wink:

Happy Reading!

**Thanks to all who are so loyal to this story and to my faithful critiquers - Angel of Death, 200397, Night Mistress, Dommy65, Lucyy, Niccy_V, JabberHut, Merry_Haven, & Meep - you all are amazing!**
_______________________

CHAPTER TWO

In only a few moments, the manor came into view. The elderly Victorian-style home rested just off the gravel driveway, its wrap-around porch sagging under the weight of years of wear and tear. The shutters were an inky black, drastically contrasting with the off-white outside walls. Three storeys tall, it would have been a magnificent sight in its youth, but now, over a few hundred years old, it had lost its appeal.
The boys were already climbing the porch steps, rowdily pushing each other as they escaped into the house, as Carmen and I arrived. Smiling, I eased into a gentle trot, taking the music box from under my arm. The metal had cooled in the run, now chilly in my hands. Carmen was a few steps ahead, eyes locked on someone leaning against the porch railing.
A blanket of lush red hair framed an angelic face that shamed even Botticelli's Venus. With eyes the shade of violets, she closely resembled a spring sunrise, and her slender figure drew Carmen's eyes like a fly to a burning flame. Disgusted, I turned to see Carmen’s eyes back on me.
Slightly surprised, I started, faltering in my steps. I could see the look in his eyes—the same look he got every time I caught him staring at Nora. It was a look of guilt, but also one of seeking forgiveness. It was one that made me feel guilty for some unknown reason. It made me feel like I was the one to blame, although it was his wandering eyes that he should be shameful of.
“Back so soon?” Nora’s whimsical voice floated into our ears, causing both of us to look up, me against my will.
“Yeah, it was only a quick trip,” Carmen informed her, closing the gap between the house and the driveway before finally mounting the steps. I hung back, slowing to a glacial pace.
“What did Yamari say about the move?” Nora asked, straightening from her position on the porch and approaching Carmen.
“Nothing really.” Carmen shrugged, glancing at me from the corner of his eye. I knew he was holding back from sharing with Nora about Yamari and my private meeting. Half of me felt a certain sort of hope, that Carmen was still loyal to me. But the other half was just confused at the opposite part. Why would it matter if Carmen told Nora about it? It wasn’t like he knew what went on anyway.
Shaking my head I sped up to my normal pace and reached the porch just as Carmen and Nora entered the home. Pausing behind them, I glanced back once, knowing that tomorrow, we would be leaving this place for—quite possibly—ever.
Turning back to enter the house, I was met by the warmth of a crackling fire and the soft murmur of talking voices. Smiling, I closed the door behind me. Many of my fellow members inclined their heads toward me and a few smiled at my return. Otherwise, most were engrossed in conversations, too intent upon who they were talking with to bother looking upwards at our arrival.
Nodding to the few who acknowledged my presence, I silently made my way through the foyer and up the stairs. At times like this, where the atmosphere was free of anxiety, I relished the feeling of a human pace. Normally, I would reach my room in unnatural time. But it was nice to slow down every once and a while; to return back to the time where I didn’t have the power to speed around without a second thought.
Music box still in hand, I reached my room a few moments later. Inside, two double beds laid to the left, separated by a small end table with a lamp astride it. The one closest to the window was mine, while the one closest to the door was Nora’s.
Nora.
Nora the Blessed; Nora the Warrior; Nora… my friend?
I still couldn’t figure out where it all had changed. When had our friendship shifted? There was never any warning of it. One moment, we were as close as sister’s. Next, Nora was flirting with Carmen, glancing my way with a look that told me all that I needed to know. It said: stay away, he’s mine.
Then again, it wasn’t like Nora was all to blame. Carmen seemed to encourage the behavior, flirting right back. It was hard to be mad at him for any period of time, though. He always seemed to keep himself on my good side. I still couldn’t fathom his ability at this when most of the time he was just making the situation worse.
Since that first sight of Nora and Carmen together things had started to unravel. It was then I made that stupid mistake—something I was sure that I would regret for the rest of my life. It all could be traced back to that first day, Nora’s hand on Carmen’s shoulder, her body leaning into his—
Cutting this image off, I traversed over to my bed and placed the music box on the end table. Not having the patience to worry over her anymore, I changed into a pair of sweats and an overlarge sweatshirt, grateful to be out of my uncomfortable jeans. Eyeing my closet, I knew that if Philip found out that I had yet to pack, I would be in a heap of trouble. But I wouldn’t let myself think about that now.
I needed to rest, and I needed to think. I hadn’t slept well since the incident, barely a month ago. I knew that Nora had passed that information onto Carmen, and Carmen had let it slip to Philip. It was the only explanation for his behavior today, sending Carmen and his crew to act like body guards for the humans.
Sneering at the thought of them, I restlessly paced over to the window. Through the foggy pane, I could see the thick forest below, slowly creeping closer and closer to the manor. Over the years, the forest had overgrown half of the backyard, now barely a few feet away from the back porch. In the distance, light refracted, creating a soft twinkle on the horizon. I knew that was where Lake Mille Lacs resided. Even with the thick snow coating everything, I knew that the lake was still battling against winter’s icy grip.
“Sophia?” a voice sounded from behind me.
Without turning, I knew who it was. “What?” I snapped, unable to hide my dislike for her at the moment.
“Jeez, you don’t have to be so snippety. I was just coming in to check on you. Carmen wanted me to.” With that, Nora shut the bedroom door and left me alone with my thoughts. I hated when she tried to be nice to me just for Carmen’s sake. It was especially infuriating when she spoke down to me as if I was a child. I had detected that superior tone, that annoying soprano ring that grated on my ears.
Spinning away from the window, I threw my dirty clothes into the open closet before collapsing onto my bed. I had no choice but to use the time I had to sleep.
Besides, this was the last night that I would be able to sleep in my own bed.
Tomorrow, we would be gone.

* * * *

Sleep eluded me. Either my mind was on overload after all that had happened or the gods above decided to punish me yet again, I wasn’t sure. But towards midnight, I was forced awake yet again for no other reason than that my toes were exposed to the evening chill.
Glancing to my left, my eyebrows shot upwards when I didn’t see a mound where Nora should have been in her bed. Listening intently, I was able to pinpoint her quite easily. But it didn’t leave me feeling any better.
She was in Carmen’s room; I could tell by his scent coating the inside of the dormitory she was in. Throwing the covers off, I could think of nothing else than to escape the confines of the building. I couldn’t stand another minute inside the manor.
Shoving my feet into a pair of boots and throwing on a hat, I leaped agilely from my room and over the railing of the stairs, landing soundlessly onto the main level floor, hands on my knees. Crossing the foyer, I stepped into the wintry air, the wind tangling the hair peeking out from under my hat. Snow was thrown into the air with vicious punches, thick gray clouds crowding the sky above. The temperature must have dropped at least ten degrees since the last time I was outside and I could feel the frosty weather nip at my exposed hands and face.
Yes, I could feel the cold. I could even have a sense of pain when the wind chafed my face. And yet, it left me feeling the same. My blood had long ago ceased to pump with a lively rhythm. Now my veins were thick with dead blood, ebony black in color. My heart fluttered weakly now and causing my breathing to accelerate slightly.
Otherwise, I was dead to the outside, nothing more than a phantom in the world full of life. That’s what kept my abhorrence for human’s alive. They could still live; could still feel the sun’s heat long after they went indoors; feel the freezing chill while still curled up next to a crackling fire. The sensations of eating, of blinking, of breathing were all taken advantage of. They had no idea how dynamic they really were.
And that’s what made my hate grow even fiercer.
They had no respect for what they held in their palm of their hand. So easily overpowered, they were more or less a way to pass the time. One moment, they were speaking and the next, they were dead in my hands, similar to what I was.
I had the sudden urge to fulfill my urges, to take away what was rightfully mine. Who made the decision that I was to live my life for eternity with little or no feelings, while the humans around me had a hundred years to live their lives to the fullest of their abilities? That reward was stripped from me at the fragile age of seventeen, and now I was a remnant of what I used to be.
I could feel the urge growing, my hands clenching into fists at my sides.
The memories were coming, fresh and raw. That was exactly how I had been feeling that night, the need for revenge stronger than the sound of reason within my head. And I had given it with more ferocity than vampires had seen in a long time. The next few days afterward, I had seen the averted eyes, the wary glances. My colony had been afraid of me. Me! The idea was preposterous but not all that irrational.
I had ripped apart a town; I had caused terror in the hearts of many humans that night. I knew that it had brought back memories of long ago and the killings that the humans had done against us. But I hadn’t cared. I just wanted the feel of their life in my hands, the power that I had over them, and the resolve I had to take it all away with the flick of my wrist.
I forced all those feelings down like Philip had taught me. After a few moments of not moving, I had control over myself again, able to freely think without suddenly turning into a beast of unnatural proportions.
It was a shame that they blamed the murders on a psychopath, a serial killer. Humans were so naïve in that sense. They had no idea what lurked in the shadows and that the boogieman was not fictional—that there were monsters in the closet and demons in the attic.
The wind picked up speed, its teeth razor sharp as it swiped at my face, leaving a burning trail that only ached a little before fading. Tucking my hands into my pockets, I stayed outside for only a few more minutes before submitting to the cold and retreating back inside.
The house was deadly quiet and I knew that if I made one false move, Philip would be before me in seconds. So I took great care getting back to my bedroom, concentrating all my advanced senses on Philip’s bedroom down on the main level.
I had only one foot over the threshold when I was yanked inside with overriding force, hands grinding into my upper arms as they hauled me across the room. Reacting on instinct, I used the intruders hold on me to my advantage, swinging around and slamming both feet into the chest of my adversary.
As they were thrown onto the opposite bed, I inhaled a whiff of the surrounding air and froze. “Carmen?”
“Who else would it be?” he wheezed, struggling to catch his breath as he sat up from the bed.
“Sorry,” I mumbled and then added more indignantly, “but you can't just sneak up on people like that!” I self-consciously ran a hand through my unruly hair as I sat on the edge of the bed to remove my boots.
“I heard you leave your room so when Nora fell asleep I decided to wait for you here.”
A jolt went through me when I heard what he said but decided not to comment on it.
“Wanna talk about it?” Carmen asked.
“No. There’s nothing to talk about,” I insisted, my voice steady, clearly expressing that I wanted the conversation to end. Throwing my boots into the closet and shutting the door, I eyed my bed, the sheets slightly rumpled from my early try at sleep. It never had looked so inviting and the only thing I wanted to do was fall down on the awaiting mattress and drift off to hopefully enjoy a dreamless night.
But it seemed that Carmen had other plans. “Sure. That’s always your answer when there is something.” He took a step closer to me. “Are you still uptight about the move?”
“Why do you think that?” My eyes narrowed.
“Hmm, I wonder.” Carmen paused to mull over this, and I felt my patience run thin. “Maybe because that’s what it is.”
Rolling my eyes, I crawled into bed, my back facing him. Lying down, I made it clear that I was done talking. I didn’t even hear Carmen move until his face appeared in my line of vision, standing on the other side of the bed, arms crossed.
“Just go,” I pleaded, unable to hide the frustration from my voice.
Carmen snorted, a smirk playing across his lips. “Stop being stubborn and just answer the question. What is bugging you?”
Like you would really want to know, I thought, clenching my teeth together to keep the words I really wanted to say from being released. Besides, most of my agitation was centered around Carmen and Nora’s new relationship, and I knew from experience that Carmen wouldn’t like to hear about it from me… again.
“Yeah, I guess the move is kind of stressing me out lately, but that’s all,” I forced out, aiming for at least a partial truth.
Carmen smiled knowingly, as if he knew all along. If only he knew the real truth, I thought with a soft sigh. “Well, stop stressing. Philip told us it would all go smoothly. Tomorrow, we’ll head up to Duluth and meet Rebecca’s old coven near the college. It’ll be fine.” He gently ran his knuckles over my cheek, making me stiffen underneath his touch. Sensing this, he removed his hand and shifted uncomfortably before me.
“Well, I guess I’ll see you in the morning, Sophia.” He looked at me one last time, a softness entering his eyes that eventually forced me to advert my gaze. Then he leaped over me and headed towards the door.
“Tell Nora that she still has a bed in here,” I called over my shoulder without thinking, instantly regretting the bitterness in my tone. Without answering me, he shut the door with a soft click. I tracked him through the house until he reached his room. I couldn’t concentrate long enough to hear if he ever woke up Nora for my eyelids were overpowering my vision until all I saw was black. A yawn escaped my open lips with a subtle hiss, and then, I was lost to the world, submitting to the overpowering will of sleep.
Last edited by ashleylee on Fri Jan 09, 2009 7:22 pm, edited 8 times in total.
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach
  





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Wed Dec 24, 2008 8:05 pm
Angel of Death says...



Hey Ash!

I'm giving reviews as a Christmas gift to all of my friends so if you have anything that you want critiqued just ask.

Anyways, I liked this chapter. Though I liked the sweet Nora the reworked character is nice. Your characters seem human and believable and are well developed for it being just the first two chapters.

You had a lot of great chunks that I liked:
Sleep eluded me. Either my mind was on overload after all that had happened or the gods above decided to punish me yet again, I wasn’t sure. But towards midnight, I was forced awake yet again for no other reason than that my toes were exposed to the evening chill.


And

It was a shame that they blamed the murders on a psychopath, a serial killer. Humans were so naive in that sense. They had no idea what lurked in the shadows and that the boogie man was not fiction. That there were monsters in the closet and demons in the attic.


At some points you stretch out Sophia's feelings too much, especially in the beginning of the second part. Condense your sentences. Sometimes, things don't have to be filled with too much sugar and sweets. Be lean.

I didn't find any grammatical problems but I'd read over this just in case, because you know I'm not good at that type of stuff. Keep going and great job!

~Angel
True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
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Wed Dec 24, 2008 10:36 pm
200397 says...



Hey, Ashley!

I can't really spend time on a review right now, but I'll be back to check this out! :D I am soooo excited for this!

~Sunny

Oh, yeah and MERRY CHRISTMAS!
  





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Wed Dec 24, 2008 11:20 pm
Night Mistress says...



Nice work, ash.

Unlike Angel of Death, I like the bitter Nora, though i wish she was a little nicer to Sophia.

I love this new turn. So what i am getting is that Nora and Carmen are buddy-buddy already. Nora is not really friendly with Sophia because of Carmen.

and Rebecca's old Coven? does that mean she came from another coven?

I look forward to reading more. I hope Issac makes an appearance soon.
"I love you," she whispered in his ear, before taking his mouth with her own.

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Thu Dec 25, 2008 3:20 am
Meep(: says...



My face just turned green.
Not because I'm sick, but because I'm jealous, Envious.
You really have this ability to write in a
Dreamy, realistic(okay, a contradiction to dreamy) fashion.
You're description is like a work of art.
I wanna write like you!
And all those...emotions.
These kind of stories make me have that
hop up and down feeling. I'm so drawn into the story.
Once again, well done!
You have a knack for writing which makes people turn green.
MERRY CHRISTMAS! :D
~Liverpool F.C Supporter~
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Thu Dec 25, 2008 11:59 pm
200397 says...



The elderly Victorian-style home rested just off of the gravel driveway, its wrap-around porch sagging under the weight of years of wear and tear on the meager building.


I bolded "Victorian-style" and "meager" for a reason. I don't think the two fit together. One is fancy and posh--albeit a little old--and the other is simple and homely. I would suggest getting rid of "meager" to keep the reader interested in the house.

Carmen was a few steps ahead, eyes locked on something leaning against the porch railing


Shouldn't this be "someone"? I thought it was going to be an inanimate object, not a stunningly beautiful vampire. Kinda messed me up a little. :)

A blanket of red hair framed an angelic face, olive in color. Eyes the shade of violet, closely resembling a spring sunrise with a slender figure below, she drew Carmen’s eyes like a magnet to a piece of iron.


I liked this part a lot. You use a lot of good words. I just think rewriting it in some spots might make it flow better. Try:

A blanket of red (what type of red?) hair framed an olive, angelic face that shamed even Bottichelli's Venus. With eyes the shade of violets, she closely resembled a spring sunrise, and her slender figure drew Carmen's eyes like a magnet to a piece of iron.

Disgusted, I turned to see Carmen’s eyes back on me. Slightly surprised, I started, faltering in my steps. I could see the look in his eyes—the same look he got every time I caught him staring at Nora. One that made me feel guilty, made me feel like I was the one to blame, even though it was his wandering eyes that he should be shameful of.


Um, I'm not sure what Sophia's trying to tell us here. In fact, I'm really confused. So she's disgusted to look at Nora because she's so dang beautiful, and then she finds Carmen looking at her with--what? I don't get what Carmen's expression tells her. Maybe I'm just weird. (You never know.)

“Back so soon,” Nora’s whimsical voice floated into our ears, causing both of us to look up, I against my will.


Change the comma to a period. And also: I wasn't aware that both Sophia and Carmen were avoiding looking at Nora. I thought Carmen was all eyes.

But the other part of me was just confused at that part.


Rewrite: But the other half of me was just confused at the opposite part.

This is a really awkward sentence to write. I think either form would work, I just took a swing at trying another way. :)

Turning back to enter the home, I was met by the warmth of a crackling fire and the soft murmur of talking voices.


How 'bout "the house" or "the building" instead? "The home" kinda stuck out to me.

Nodding to the few who nodded at my presence, I silently made my way through the foyer and up the stairs.


Two forms of "nod" within six words of each other. Change "nodded" to "acknowledged".

Nora.
Nora the Blessed; Nora the Warrior; Nora… my friend?


Hmm. Interesting. It seems to me that Sophia is the bitter one, not Nora after all . . . Anyway, I liked the above. We don't really know who Nora is, but Sophia questioning where she stands adds a little mystery.

Since that first sight of Nora and Carmen together, things had started to unravel. It was then that I made that stupid mistake, something I was sure that I would regret for the rest of my life. It all could be traced back to that first day, Nora’s hand on Carmen’s shoulder, her body leaning into his—


I liked this.

Not have the patience to worry over that anymore, I changed into a pair of sweats and an overlarge sweatshirt, grateful to be out of my uncomfortable jeans.


Sounds like my kind of wardrobe. You can tell a lot about a person by their apparel, and I really like how you hint Sophia's personality here. :wink:

And that’s what made my hate grow even fiercer.
They had no respect for what they held in their palm of their hand. It was so easy to take away what they had with the crushing power of my hands and a sweet kiss upon their lips. So easily overpowered, they were more or less a way to pass the time. One moment, they were speaking and the next, they were dead in my hands, similar to what I was.


You're really drawing out Sophia's feelings here. Not that that's bad; it's just that you need to condense your sentences so this doesn't drag the story down.

I had ripped apart a town; I had caused terror in the hearts of many humans that night. I knew that it had brought back memories of long ago and the killings that the humans had done against us. But I hadn’t cared. I just wanted the feel of their life in my hands, the power that I had over them, and the resolve I had to take it all away with the flick of my wrist.


Uh. :shock: This is creepy. But I'm pretty sure "creepy" was what you were after. This adds a bit of...horror to the story that I wasn't expecting here.

It seems to me that Sophia has the same problem as I do: she thinks too much. Pondering a subject is okay. But when you hit this level, you know something's wrong. :wink:

As they was thrown onto the opposite bed, I inhaled a whiff of the surrounding air and froze. “Carmen?”


"Was" to "were".

“I’m sorry, you just can’t sneak up on people like that,” I mumbled, self-consciously running a hand through my unruly hair as I sat on the edge of the bed to remove my boots.


Rewrite: "Sorry," I mumbled and then added more indignantly, "but you can't just sneak up on people like that!"

“Yeah, I guess the move is kind of stressing me out lately but that’s all,” I forced out, aiming for at least a partial truth.


You need a comma between "lately" and "but" in the latter half of the sentence.

“Well, stop stressing. Philip told us it would all go smoothly. Tomorrow, we’ll head up to Duluth and meet Rebecca’s old coven near the college. It’ll be fine.”


Just out of curiosity: where is this taking place? Duluth is an interesting name.

OVERALL: I can't wait for the next part! I'm so excited! Your writing is progressing well, and so is your story. So far it hasn't dragged or sped or anything. PM me with the next one's up!

~Sunny
  





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Fri Dec 26, 2008 10:20 pm
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dommy65 says...



Hey Ash!

This was so good! Every chapter gets better! The relationships are stronger in this rewrite. There's more of a hostility between Nora and Sophia, it makes the Carmen situation more believable. On the subject of Carmen, he's so great. I like that Sophia and him are closer.

I say this every time but it bears repeating: Your descriptions are fabulous!!

Can't wait for the next chapter!

Happy Holidays!

~Dommy :D
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We've got the vision, now let's have some fun.
Yeah, it's overwhelming, but what else can we do,
Get jobs in offices, and wake up for the morning commute?
  





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Sun Dec 28, 2008 9:39 pm
lucyy says...



I am finally back home and have decided to celebrate my arrival by reading your chapters (which always makes me happy =P :D ). So, here goes ... oh and by the way I haven't read the other reviews (you know how lazy I am =P ) so sorry if I repeat anything (:

Wow, I absolutely love this chapter!! I love how this chapter is a 'getting to know you' session between us and the MC (if you understand what i mean =P ) - and we found out so much about her!!! Awesome stuff, ash :D. Wow, I still can't get over this amazing chapter - it was brimming full of emotions and (as usual) amazing descriptions. Wow, ash, just wow :shock: :D
However, you know how OCD I am about (a lot of) things, so here are my little nit picks:

Three stories tall

In the context of buildings, it is spelt as storeys not stories - stories are things out of books. Storeys are building levels.


made me feel like I was the one

It is entirely up to you, but I would put the I of this sentence into italics as well to add extra emphasis. What do you think?


It was then that I made that stupid mistake

These thats are places too closely together; I would change the second one to the or a. What do you think?


Not have the patience to worry over that anymore

This doesn't make total sense, so I would check over this and make sure you haven't missed put a word or anything (:


Another amazing chapter ash, well done, and I have to say I love the direction of Sophia's thoughts towards humans and why that justifies her feeding on them. The way you have placed her thoughts make it so easy to sympathise with her, so at times you start feeling sorry for her rather than disgusted!! So great job in getting me so involved in the story, although you do that anyway (:
Anywhooo, I'm off to read the next chapter :D

I hope this review helps you out and that you had a good Christmas (I can't believe it's already over!!)
--lucyy xx
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Mon Dec 29, 2008 2:03 pm
niccy_v says...



Hope this helps - this is totally wonderful

You have amazing description! But maybe too much on the house right at the beginning?

And what's with all the 'that' words? Usually you're just fine without them, seriously, it helps pick up flow and reduces the constant harsh sounds. Seriously, just cut them.

Bottichelli's

It's Botticelli’s, unless America spells it differently?

Oh, and just a general question, do you update your story after every 1-3 critiques? Because I have a feeling most of what I have said in the attachment has been said and done? Just a thought.

I hope this is not too harsh for you, but this is what I found, and there are a lot of errors I thought you would've picked up before posting this. I know in my stories a lot of it just seems to never transfer properly, but some of the errors here... didn't feel like you Ash! You were so thorough with the first copies of this... or maybe you got them but the transfer didn't show them?
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Thu Jan 01, 2009 11:12 pm
ashleylee says...



YWS Members:

Again, to remind you, this was formally known as Poisoned Roses.

It has gone under major editing and has a new title.

Hope you enjoy it =]
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach
  





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Thu Jan 01, 2009 11:16 pm
200397 says...



Ah! New title!! *hyperventilates and grabs a paper bag* The new title is awesome, and it works. Plus, I like the Latin phrase in your sig, it's great!

Keep it up and PM me (as usual)!

~Sunny
  





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Fri Jan 02, 2009 4:43 pm
JabberHut says...



Hiya, Ashley! =D Sick of me yet?

This was also very much improved. Kudos! ^_^

Sophia mulling over all these thoughts helps the reader understand not only the situation but her stand on the situation as well. It was very well portrayed. I have no complaints on that matter. ^_^ In fact, all these different thoughts on her mind totally explains her and makes her seem stressful(ness). It's very good. ^_^

And I wanted to punch Carmen in the face again. =D

Nora also was very much improved. I'm very happy with that. xD We're not confused now about their relationship. Rather, we see Nora as (excuse me) stupid. xD I dun like her, and I think you want us to feel this way since Sophia is showing the same emotion. This is epically done!

I wish I had complaints. >_> This was so awesome. I'm very happy with it. The characterization was so amazingly done. It makes me happy inside. ^_^ I guess I'll just wander off to the--

Oh! I found it weird that Carmen just waltzed into her room. >_> She should seriously just, like.. throw her bed at him. xD *would do that*

Keep writing! =D

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Fri Jan 09, 2009 7:08 pm
Merry_Haven says...



*ashleylee~

Here are some comments when reading this chapter...

*Victorian Home ~
You have no idea (maybe you do) how your descriptions about the house make me feel. They are in such detail, it's amazing! Hopefully I can learn from you.

*Carmen or not Carmen~
I find Sophia's thoughts toward him quite amusing. She acts like an average teen. Can't decide if she likes him as a friend or not. Or maybe a little more.

*Nora's way of life~
You either like her or not. And I haven't decided yet. :P Nora acts like a mother, quite often. It can be annoying or helpful to Sophia. But, when she speaks through her eyes about her feelings toward Carmen, then I find it rude. She could be polite, or just rude. But an act of balance would be better.

*Philip ~ Leader~
I don't think I saw him in this chapter or not. But I remember from your previous story, that he acted like a father towards the clan. And I like that. He's a cool dude. :roll:

*Overall~
These were just my thoughts on your characters, so don't take offense. Please. Anyway, like always I love your work. Not much I can say, besides wanting to read the next chapter. Great job!
*Merry
Mary had a little lamb. Little lamb. Little lamb!

Ugh!! I really hate my name. >.<
  





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Tue Apr 07, 2009 9:31 pm
jasmine12 says...



UGH! What is with Carmen? Why is he with Nora when he clearly likes Sophia? They seem to have a special bond...but im not sure if it goes all the way to love, or stops at that brother sister stuff. I like that conflict. Good job.

Im loving her inner conflict. You are doing an awesome job of writing her character and her thoughts. you have a gift ash.
well, im off to read more.
"Sometimes the worst bad guy makes the best good guy." Nigel--Untouched
  





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Thu Apr 30, 2009 4:49 pm
VehementWriter says...



[spoiler]
Red = My corrections.
Purple = My Suggestions.


In only a few moments, the manor came into view. The elderly Victorian-style home rested just off the gravel driveway, its wrap-around porch sagging under the weight of years of wear and tear. The shutters were an inky black, drastically contrasting with the off-white outside walls. Three stories tall, it would have been a magnificent sight in its youth, but now, over a few hundred years old, it had lost its appeal.
The boys were already climbing the porch steps, rowdily pushing each other as they escaped into the house, as Carmen and I arrived. Smiling, I eased into a gentle trot, taking the music box from under my arm. The metal had cooled in the run, now chilly in my hands. Carmen was a few steps ahead, his eyes locked on someone leaning against the porch railing.
A blanket of lush, red hair framed an angelic face that shamed even Botticelli's Venus. With eyes the shade of violets, she closely resembled a spring sunrise, and her slender figure drew Carmen's eyes like a fly to a burning flame. Disgusted, I turned to see Carmen’s eyes back on me.
Slightly surprised, I star[s]t[/s]ed, faltering in my steps. I could see the look in his eyes—the same look he got every time I caught him staring at Nora. It was a look of guilt, but also one of seeking forgiveness. It was one that made me feel guilty for some unknown reason. It made me feel like I was the one to blame, although it was his wandering eyes that he should be shameful of.
Turning back to enter the house, I was met by the warmth of a crackling fire and the soft murmur of talking voices. Smiling, I closed the door behind me. Many of my fellow members inclined their heads toward me, and a few smiled at my return. Otherwise, most were engrossed in conversations, too intent upon whom they were talking with to bother looking upwards at our arrival.
Nodding to the few who acknowledged my presence, I silently made my way through the foyer and up the stairs. At times like this, where the atmosphere was free of anxiety, I relished the feeling of a human pace. Normally, I would reach my room in unnatural time; but it was nice to slow down every once and a while; to return back to the time where I didn’t have the power to speed around without a second thought.
Music box still in hand, I reached my room a few moments later. Inside, two double beds lay to the left, separated by a small end table with a lamp astride it. The one closest to the window was mine, while the one closest to the door was Nora’s.

The memories were coming, fresh and raw. That was exactly how I had been feeling that night, the need for revenge stronger than the sound of reason within my head. And I had given it with more ferocity than vampires had seen in a long time. The next few days afterward, I had seen the averted eyes, the wary glances. My colony had been afraid of me. Me! The idea was preposterous, but not all that irrational.
I had ripped apart a town; I had caused terror in the hearts of many humans that night. I knew that it had brought back memories of long ago[color=red=,[/color] and the killings that the humans had done against us. But I hadn’t cared. I just wanted the feel of their life in my hands, the power that I had over them, and the resolve I had to take it all away with the flick of my wrist.
I had only one foot over the threshold when I was yanked inside with overriding force, hands grinding into my upper arms as they hauled me across the room. Reacting on instinct, I used the intruders hold on me to my advantage, swinging around and slamming both feet into the chest of my adversary. [/spoiler]

Againn, i'm reallyy loving your characterization here. I never read the previous version, so I can't comment on differences and whatnot, but I can say you've definitely made me dislike this Nora character and wonder what kind of feelings Sophia and Carmen might have towards each other... Is it headed towards actual romantic, or does it go nowhere beyond a brother/sister kinda thing? In any case, I also really like how you're working with vampires here... making them a little more... human? Haha, however contradictory that is... Like the fact that they need sleep, they have some level of feeling, their heart still beats... All that.
Definitely won't be comparing this to Twilight. So what if they're both vampire stories that include a little romance - you've got your own thing here, and it's really awesome ^_^
"The power of accurate obeservation is often called cynicism by those who haven't got it." - Oscar Wilde.

If I could only see right to the end, I'd know just where to begin, and I could put together all the little pieces.
  








"Do not try to be pretty. You weren't meant to be pretty; you were meant to burn down the earth and graffiti the sky. Don't let anyone ever simplify you to just 'pretty'"
— Suzanne Rivard