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-Inconcessus- One



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Thu Dec 18, 2008 12:15 am
ashleylee says...



Okay, here's the moment of truth. Either you are going to absoluetly hate this or you'll love it. But please be honest and don't worry about being harsh. I need all the advice I can get :wink:

This is also a tad longer than normal, just to warn you.

Happy Reading!

**Thanks to all of my helpful critique-rs: Night Mistress, Angel of Death, Lucyy, 200397, Niccy_V, JabberHut, Merry_Haven, & Dommy65. You guys are awesome!**
__________________________

CHAPTER ONE

Six months earlier…

The cool morning air sent shivers down my spine as I clutched the folders closer to my chest. My sweater was only a thin barrier against the winter chill, but I couldn’t help but marvel at the beauty of the nature around me.
It was true that winter transformed everything.
The trees were bare of their normal jackets of lush leaves. Instead they were heavy with white powder—like frosting on a cake. The wind swirled bursts of snow around me, and my sharp eyes caught individual snowflakes—all distinctive and intricate. I snatched one from the air with my tongue, and it melted, reducing to a spot of water in my mouth.
Suddenly, I felt a ball of ice hit the back of my neck, and snow trickled down my sweater. I twisted around to see no one.
Smiling wickedly, I sat my folders on a dry spot in the road. Pulling up the sleeves of my sweater, I scanned the area. There wasn’t a twig out of place or a pebble disturbed.
That’s when I smelt him.
A strong scent similar to cologne that human boys wear drifted past my nose. Licking my lips, I shot behind the nearest tree. I heard a ghostly chuckle and spotted Carmen crouching above me in the snow-covered branches. He leaped, but I sidestepped out of his way, allowing him to land gracefully in front me. Then the whole group appeared on the road, jumping from near-by trees and slipping out of bushes.
“Morning, Sophia,” Carmen greeted with a breathtaking smile playing across his lips. His blonde hair hung in his eyes, damp from a previous snowball fight.
“Morning, Carmen.” I smiled, and he affectionately ruffled my hair. Then I turned to face each of the others individually. “Dover, Michael, Nate, Randy.” I greeted each one, their wet hair all dangling in their eyes. “What brings you guys around? I thought you were helping Philip with the move?”
“We decided to join you to see Yamari. I think she would enjoy it.” Normally, I would have accepted this explanation, thinking that the boys were just being generous, but something in Carmen’s eyes told me otherwise.
“Really?” Raising an eyebrow suspiciously, I looked at the others who all simultaneously avoided my gaze. “Is that the truth, or just something to satisfy me?” My eyes returned to rest on Carmen’s form.
Carmen continued with the act, smiling innocuously. “What do you think?”
His cryptic answer left me feeling uneasy, but I let it go and gathered up my folders from the road.
Carmen walked alongside of me while the others lagged behind. Their laughter informed me of their light-hearted feelings towards the move. Was I the only one who disagreed with this? Frowning, I tugged harder on the folders.
“Easy there, Sophia.” Carmen broke through my revere, pointing at where rips were forming on the folders from my too-tight grip. Loosening them I sighed, feeling a furrow beginning to form between my eyebrows. “What’s up?” Carmen asked, shoving his hands into his pockets, his lope relaxed. He must also find nothing wrong with the move.
“Nothing,” I mumbled, hoping he would drop the subject, but I should have known better.
Carmen’s face tightened. “Don’t say that. Tell me.”
I rolled my eyes. “It’s nothing.”
“Yeah, right. Nothing, meaning obviously something.” He pointed at the furrow on my brow, and I forced my face to relax.
“I don’t want to talk about it, okay?” I snapped, immediately feeling guilty about it.
It couldn’t be helped, though, for at the moment, another snowball smacked rather roughly into Carmen’s head, making his neck swing forward from the force of it. Both of us spinning, it wasn’t hard to pinpoint the culprit. Michael’s guilt was written all over his face—he avoided our gazes and when he had to look at us, a smile fought to be shown.
Chuckling softly, I faced forward again. Carmen disappeared from my side, and I heard a shout of alarm from Michael as Carmen, no doubt, tackled him. Shaking my head at the foolishness of boys, I raised my face to embrace the sun peeking out from behind a group of clouds. It instantly brought warmth to my otherwise icy skin, and I sighed in contentment.
Maybe today was going to be a good day.
It would usually only take a minute to reach Yamari’s house if we chanced the run, but today, Philip warned us against it. He said that it would be better if we just walked. That meant that we had to go through the human town, Bock, just east of our home.
As the town limits came into sight, I felt the group tense, the childish behavior stopping. Carmen returned to my side, Michael taking my other, Dover, Nate, and Randy holding up the rear. I was puzzled at their sudden protective demeanor. We had gone into town many times before this. What made this trip so special that they all had to accompany me?
Then I knew.
This was all Philip’s doing. He had sent Carmen and the rest to watch out for me. They weren’t going to visit Yamari, as they should. They were protecting me. No, forget that. They were protecting the humans from me.
I felt my anger rise. How dare they think that just because after one incident, I was some unstable Newborn, not to be trusted. A small growl escaped my lips as we stepped onto the sidewalk in town. Carmen’s eyes flitted to mine, but only for a second, because we were met with a rush of humans.
They were all oblivious to our presence. We were just another group of teenagers to them. But in reality, they had no clue to how much danger they were really in. In one single night, we could wipe out this entire human town without a single survivor left to tell the horrible tale. They were such vulnerable creatures, lost in their own fantasies. Their worst fear was of terrorists coming to attack them from countries a million miles away. Yet, the real danger lied only feet away from them.
Giving my shoulders a little shake, I pressed forward, accelerating past Carmen and Michael. They both shot back to my side instantly, eyeing me with suspicion. I ignored him; I ignored everyone around me. I just wanted to get to Yamari’s house. Hopefully once I was there, she would have some answers for me.

* * * *

Yamari lived on the edge of town, her small clapboard house was rimmed with white trim and had a small porch out front. Thick layers of snow coated the front yard and roof, making her house appear like a child’s frosted gingerbread creation.
I climbed the porch steps with less grace than I normally would have and before I even laid a hand on the door, Yamari was pulling it open, her ancient face peeking through the screen.
“Ah, Sophia, you’ve come at last.” With a small smile directed my way, she stepped back so I could enter. The others followed behind, and Yamari closed the door behind us.
Her house smelt of dust and decay—she wasn’t one for spring-cleaning. Thick layers of dirt and grime covered almost every surface, making me hold back the urge to cough. Crowding up the kitchen, Yamari made her way past us and into the living room. She was surprisingly nimble in her old age, and I watched her with fascination as she easily pushed back the furniture in the tiny living room to make space for us.
Only about five feet tall, she was slight with pointy elbows and knees. Her skin was wrinkled like many folds of fabric, her eyes watery as she slowly lost her eyesight. But her mind was more powerful than any other vampire in our nation. She was seen by hundreds every year, from seeking advice about coven crisis’ to Blood Mate trouble.
“So, Philip has informed me that you are moving out of the area tomorrow,” she stated, seating herself in an armchair while we took various positions throughout the room. I chose the seat on the couch across from her. Setting the folders on the short table between us, I saw her eyebrows rise with heightened interest. “Is this what he sent you for?”
When I nodded, she leaned forward and took the small stack in her hands, long fingers curling gently around the edges of the parchment.
“Philip said that you should probably keep them, since in the move, we might loose them,” I informed her, easing back into the couch.
“Yes,” was her only reply as the room reduced into silence. I could picture what she was reading as her eyes moved slowly over each page.
They were the records of our coven, from the first created to the last born. Each was labeled with who their Birth Mother or Father was and who they had Bonded with. At first, I had found this whole thing mystifying. Did it really matter if we misplaced all this information? It wasn’t like it was a life or death situation.
However, when I reached the second folder, I understood. Inside were the list of all the meetings, all the notes taken by Philip. It also included all the whereabouts of the Ancients, Yamari included. These would be lethal in the wrong hands.
Not all vampires followed the code set down generations ago by the Ancients. The main rule that they normally break was the one of human feeding. We only took what we needed, no more than that. Some vampires, though, felt that the human race should be disposed of completely. They felt the humans were inferior and served no other purpose than to fuel us.
Though I didn’t find this entirely wrong, Philip was extremely intolerable of this behavior. He thought these vampires were irrational fiends that would eventually lead to our destruction.
“Is that all you came here for, Sophia?” Yamari’s voice yanked me from my thoughts, and I refocused on her form. She had set the folders aside, back onto the coffee table, and she was watching me over her fingers clasped underneath her chin.
“Umm, no, not really. I wanted to ask you something as well.” I glanced pointedly at Carmen, and he frowned. But with a stronger look from Yamari, he retreated, the group slowly trickling from the room until we were left alone.
“Now, what is it that ails you?” Her voice was soft, concerned. I must have been showing more of my agitation than I had thought I was.
“This move… it just doesn’t sit well with me. I don’t understand Philip’s motive behind it. It just doesn’t add up.”
Yamari nodded, musing over my thoughts, her lips puckered. “What about it really bothers you? Just the move? Or is there more?”
A soft smile played across my lips. “Why do I even try to explain things to you when you already seem to know?”
She laughed at this. “Ah, Sophia, it’s not that I know everything. It’s just a sense I get.”
Shrugging, I answered her previous question. “The move is most of it, but also after what happened—“ I cut off, hoping that she knew the rest so I wouldn’t have to speak of it again.
“I see.” She thought some more. “The only thing I can tell you is that you must discuss your worries with Philip. He is the only one that can set your mind at ease.”
I narrowed my eyes, more frustrated than anything else. “But he won’t listen. He never does.”
“Try. He may surprise you.” With a wink, she stood, signaling the end of our conversation. Not wanting it to be over, I debated over whether I should just stay seated. But I knew that if I aggravated Yamari, it would do nothing to help my cause of stopping this move.
So I stood and followed Yamari back through her house and outside again. The boys were grouped on the front lawn, their breath coming out in puffs of white mist. I took two steps then turned back.
It was then that I realized I wouldn’t be able to come visit Yamari on the weekend anymore. I wouldn’t be able to just come down and have dinner after a hard day at the manor. She wouldn’t be a jog down the road. We were moving miles away, up in the wilderness of northern Minnesota. It might be the last time that I saw her in a long time.
She must have sensed, as usual, what I was thinking, and she held up a hand to stop me before I finished descending the stairs. She was gone for only a moment before she returned from the depths of her home. She held a small silver music box in her hands, a delicate lock holding the top closed.
As she handed it over, I marveled at the smooth silver it was constructed of and the delicate designs adorning the surface of it. “It’s beautiful,” I gushed, unable to hide my overwhelming feelings of warmth and gratitude at her gift.
She smiled. “I’m glad you like it. I hope that it will bring you calm in this stressful time.”
That’s when I noticed the lock again. Fingering it lightly, I frowned. “How do I open it?”
Yamari’s eyes twinkled at my question, her gray orbs lighting up with an inner fire. “When you find the key, you will find the answer waiting inside.” Then, she blew the boys behind me a kiss and vanished inside. I jolted at the sound of the door closing behind me.
What had just happened? Yamari went and handed me a beautiful box, but not the key that went with it. Taking a step backwards, Carmen came up behind me.
“You okay?” he asked, tentatively touching my shoulder. My eyes were glued on the house in front of me. What had Yamari meant by all this?
Instead of feeling more content as I thought I would after visiting her, I felt much more perplexed, making knots form inside my stomach.
Glancing down at the silver box cradled in the palms of my hands, I gave in to the slight pressure of Carmen’s fingers and turned away from her house. But not before I caught a glimpse of her figure standing before the kitchen window, watching our retreat as we left her sidewalk and continued down the road.

* * * *

On the trip back through town, I was quiet and unresponsive. My eyes stayed locked on the music box in my hands, still aiming to make at least some sense of what Yamari was trying to tell me. I knew Carmen was worried about me by the way his shoulder was always close to mine, and his eyes constantly flickering over to my form then back forward. The others seemed to take my behavior as normal, for they ran out in front, pushing and shoving each other. The other humans accepted this act, as this was how teenage boys respond to each other.
Carmen stayed put at my side, though, not participating, as he should. Finally, I broke my gaze from the box, and caught his eye. “Go have fun,” I said, forcing a smile for his benefit.
He shrugged. “I’d rather walk with you.”
I thought of them coming along just because of Philip and it made my anger flare. I knew that if I handled it like I wanted to, where I knew yelling would be involved, I wouldn’t accomplish anything. Instead I decided to attack it from a calmer angle and aspired for honesty.
“Carmen, I don’t like how Philip sent you guys to baby-sit me today,” I stated abruptly, catching him off guard. By the shocked expression on his face, I knew that Philip had wanted to keep this news from me.
“I-I, ah, well,” he paused, wrinkling his nose as he struggled to come up with an answer. Instead, he met my gaze. “What else could you expect, Sophia? This is your first outing since the incident.”
My nostrils flared in irritation, but I let the comment slide. “He doesn’t need you guys to act like bodyguards. I can handle myself.”
Carmen stared at me as if I was the densest person he had ever met. “You really want me to believe that?”
“Yes, of course I do! It was one incident. It’s not like I have retreated back into being an erratic Newborn.”
“You were pretty close to one that night.”
Biting down on my lip, flashes of that fateful night paraded through my mind. He was right, after all. It was my own stupidity that I was in this situation anyway. If I had only listened to Philip…
Giving a mental shake, I picked up the pace, intending to catch up with the rest of the group. For a moment, I just observed them as we walked. All their faces were flushed as they kicked up snow, and bumped into each other like a newborn calf attempting to walk for the first time. Michael’s hair drew my attention, the oddly orange hue standing out against the stark whiteness of the snow.
“I hadn’t meant to offend you, Sophia.” Carmen’s soft voice brought my eyes back to his.
“I know. I’m not mad at you, but rather at myself. I was just being stupid.”
“Don’t worry about Philip. He’s being is normal cautious self. We all know it won’t happen again, but you know how Philip gets. He’s just a worry-wart like that.” Elbowing me in the ribs, he cracked a smile, illuminating his handsome features, his golden eyes sparkling with mischief. I couldn’t help but grin back, the sun reflecting off of the metal box in my hand.
My eyes were drawn back towards the commotion in front of me as we left the town limits of Bock. Michael glanced back, and his face was suddenly alit with a hidden happiness. I eyed him curiously, and before I could react, he broke into a wild sprint. The other boys shouted, and gave chase.
Carmen glanced sideways at me. “Shall we?”
I smiled. “Of course.”
“After you.” He swept out his hands, and I laughed before breaking into an unnaturally fast run, the wind combing its long fingers through my hair as I rushed after the others. Carmen easily caught up as we pursued the boys, all of us laughing with ease.
Maybe Philip would understand that I was going to be all right; that I didn’t needed to be watched twenty-four-seven.
Yeah, and pigs could fly.
Last edited by ashleylee on Fri Jan 09, 2009 7:23 pm, edited 6 times in total.
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach
  





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Thu Dec 18, 2008 12:27 am
Night Mistress says...



ash,


I love it. Carmen and Sophia are much more...how can i say it....re-latable, i suppose. at least to me, since i have dealt with many moves myself.

i love the old vampire. she seems cool. will she play a major part in the future?

and Phillip...the mention of him is a lot better. i picture him as a worry father, trying to protect his child from herself.

all in all, i love it. I just love and it's defiantly not Twilight!!

pm me when you have the next chapter up.
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Thu Dec 18, 2008 1:09 am
Angel of Death says...



Hey Ash!!

I'm so glad this is finally posted! And you certainly didn't disappoint. I have no nitpicks and I think that you just made this story more believable and Sophia has this more down-to-earth feel and this was just wonderful!! I like Yamari, and I think she was a nice touch. I really don't have nothing negative to say, so I'll just leave you with this, keep writing and don't give up on this story or I'll definitely go crazy. But just to let you know, you did a great job making it completely different from Twilight.

Till next time,

~Angel
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Thu Dec 18, 2008 7:53 pm
lucyy says...



Wow, this was a really great starting chapter and really draws the reader into the rest of the story. I love the unique turn you have of this story (that they won't be attending school) and your characters are amazingly well developed and relatable. I also agree with Night Mistress about Sophia and Carmen's relationship - definitely more understandable. I love Yamari's character, and you have my mind into overload by what is meant by the box - awesome stuff!! :D I will be interested to see how you portray Sophia as a non-veggie and you've made the 'incident' mysterious (more so for those who haven't read your previous drafts). And, finally (take a deep breath, I've nearly finished =P) you've created a lot of intrigue for Phillip's character (again, for those who haven't previously read this) and not made him vague in an annoying way, which is great!! So, overall a great job, ash, and you definitely didn't disappoint!! However, with this being me, I did manage to find some minor nit-picks for you (sorry, I just can't resist!) :D :

What brings you guys around? I thought you guys were helping Philip with the move?

You've said guys twice here and very close together - I would maybe delete the second one, as it isn't really needed?

but today, Philip warned us against it. He said that today would be better

Again, both of these todays are too close together, so I would change/delete one of them?

of dirt and grime covered


It was then that I realized that I wouldn’t be able

These thats are too close together (sorry, I'm such an awful nit-picker). I would delete the second one as it's not really needed.

breaking into an unnaturally fast run, the wind combing its long fingers through my hair

I love this - awesome stuff!! :D

PM me when you have more,
--Lucyy your No. 1 fan =P
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Fri Dec 19, 2008 1:35 am
200397 says...



Ash,

I basically agree with lucyy and everything she said.

This is awesome! It is so much better! I like how you added the part with Yamari, how you haven't mentioned Isaac yet. I'm glad you're slowing down the beginning. It is great.

Sophia and Carmen are much more believable now that you've given them some personality. They are both much more . . . I dunno . . . approachable, I guess. And I love the contrast between Sophia and Yamari. She's a great old vampire.

One more thing: can Sophia have a nickname? Pleeeeeaaassseee? She's be more believable, not to mention more modern if she did. Just a suggestion.

Anyway, good job and move on to chapter two! I can't wait. PM me when it's done.'

~Sunny
  





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Fri Dec 19, 2008 2:57 am
dommy65 says...



Ash!

This was so great! I loved it!

Sophia and Carmen are so much better than in the previous version. They're closer and more relatable. Great job once again!

I couldn't find anything wrong with it. I hope the new chapter will be up soon!!

~Dommy :D
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Mon Dec 29, 2008 1:44 pm
niccy_v says...



Sorry this took me so long. I thought you'd wake up tomorrow morning (or at least pop back on here whenever you americans do... whatever the time is over there) to see all 4 done!
How nice to begin/end/continue a day?

I love this rewrite! It's so ... different! Amazing! It's... not poisoned roses anymore! *tear* But I love what you've done, and the effort you've put into this is startling. Well done.
But you really should run this through spell check next time.

crisis's

Crisis is just fine.

And the tense... while it is mildly better, it is not consistent - you continue to use first person then a sentence later drop back to past. Pick one and stay with it.

While this baffled me, simply because I was not expecting such a change, it kept my attention and I rarely got lost. The biggest sore thumb I saw was the whole entering Yamari’s house. Seriously, using door 5 times in 4 sentences? Lol.

Good job. Hope this helps?
Attachments
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Thu Jan 01, 2009 11:08 pm
ashleylee says...



YWS Site Members:

Just so you know, this is formally known as Poisoned Roses my work-in-progress novel.

I have done some major editing and did a title change.

Hope you enjoy it =]
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach
  





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Fri Jan 02, 2009 4:17 pm
JabberHut says...



Hey, Ashley! Back for more! ^_^

This chapter was so much better. It made me very happy. Carmen and Sophia were introduced much better, and we can see Carmen's liking Sophia plainly. It was epic. The other three were just kind of there (with Michael pointed out once in a while), but that's fine. It happens. ^^

What worries me most is Yamari's house. That was a neat little scene, but I'm unsure about her age? xD Is she supposed to look old, or is that just the image I have of her? And if she is, I wonder who had the courage to turn her into one. >_> Funny thought. xD

But really, as well as Yamari was portrayed here, I don't think the reader's ready to let go of her. She's an important character, presumably, to Sophia. Getting to know more about their relationship would be better--how Sophia always looked to Yamari for support. Like Grandmother Willow in Pocahontas. We get to know her before we never get to see her again. ^^ Or in LotR. We get to know Gandalf before he dies (and then he returns, but pretend you don't know that xD). We want the reader to love Yamari as much as Sophia so we can feel bad for leaving Yamari behind too. ^_^

Otherwise, I think this was very good. Carmen was so much better. XD *can't stop saying that* I wanted him to just go the freak away, lol. So very nice job! This was much better, and I hope the next two are just as awesome or better. ^_^

Keep writing!

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Thu Jan 08, 2009 3:24 pm
Merry_Haven says...



*ashleylee~

Here are some comments when I read this chapter...

1) Carmen and crew~
He acts like a helpful but annoying older brother. It's like he's there for you in hard times, but also acts like a normal teenage boy. The rest of the crew...well they're just there. Either they have no characteristics or have just names.

2) Movie~
Have you seen The Covenant? Not counting Sophia, but Carmen and his buddies resemble a lot like the guys off of that movie. That could be either a good thing or a bad thing. It's all up to you.

3) Yamari and Move~
I can totally picture her being this old Japanese (hence forth the name) lady with a hunchback. :lol: Now I noticed that you added her into this chapter only and the move. Is this the move when we see Issac? Okay, don't answer that. I know the answer now, by rereading.

4) History~
I just love how you added a little history of the coven into the story. I learned a lot more then I have beforehand.

5) Overall~
I'm really getting into this novel. I actually wished I could read it in a novel form instead of in the computer. Well, I might read more, or hit the bed. (it's 7:25 am here)
*Merry
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Thu Apr 02, 2009 2:26 pm
ShadowPrincess says...



hey,
I loved your story. It was great! i especially loved Sophia, she sounds really interesting. !Well, that's all I've got for now. bye.
Shadow Princess
  





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Tue Apr 07, 2009 9:05 pm
jasmine12 says...



Hmm. This is becoming reallying interesting.
Very mysterious.
I like Carmen. He seems like an alright character.
You painted a really nice picture with the ancient and gave enough background info, but not a lot to overwelm. Nice job.
Well, off i go!!!
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Fri Apr 24, 2009 1:44 pm
xX_white_shadow_Xx says...



ok, id din't actually read anyone elses reviews here (there are a lot of them, ok?) but at one part (im too lazy to find it right now) you said 'His something is' and I think you meant 'He something his'.


That didnt make any sense, did it???






nevermind.
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Thu Apr 30, 2009 4:13 pm
VehementWriter says...



Grammar stuff:

[spoiler]
Red = My corrections.
Purple = My Suggestions.


“Morning, Carmen.” I smiled, and he affectionately ruffled my hair. Then I turned to face each of the others individually. “Dover, Michael, Nate, Randy.” I greeted each one, their wet hair dangling in all their eyes. “What brings you guys around? I thought you were helping Philip with the move?”
Yamari lived on the edge of town; her small clapboard house was rimmed with white trim and had a small porch out front. Thick layers of snow coated the front yard and roof, making her house appear like a child’s frosted gingerbread creation.
I climbed the porch steps with less grace than I normally would have, and before I even laid a hand on the door, Yamari was pulling it open, her ancient face peeking through the screen.
“I know. I’m not mad at you, but rather at myself. I was just being stupid.”
“Don’t worry about Philip. He’s being his normal cautious self. We all know it won’t happen again, but you know how Philip gets. He’s just a worry-wart like that.” Elbowing me in the ribs, he cracked a smile, illuminating his handsome features, his golden eyes sparkling with mischief. I couldn’t help but grin back, the sun reflecting off of the metal box in my hand.
[/spoiler]

Can I add another wow to the list and not be considered redundant? It's not everyday I actually become glued to a story, but this is definitely one of those days. Your description and imagery is amazing, and I really like your use of vocabulary a lot. You've also done really well with characterization and emotion, which is really key when it comes to writing in first person... so, great job... I'm off to read the rest.
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Wed May 06, 2009 12:45 am
SuzieCake says...



I love this just as much as I loved the preface. It was amazing. But I do want to know more about Yamari and Sophia and Carmen's relationship. And what about Phillip? Are you going to go into more detail about him?

This is becoming addicting. If I become too hooked, I'm blaming you for writing so good.
Ever since you went away, my heart has never beat the same and all that I can do is just laugh.
  








There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you.
— Maya Angelou