Young Writers Society

It was a really clever story! I think you really thought it through. I could never have written something like that. Oh and actually I am a bit partial to vampire stories. I really like those kind. Also I think your story started out with a very interesting lead, which kept me going. The reading was very enjoyable and kyou have good vocabulary usage. Absolutley love it! I hope I get to read some more of your stories^^

Carmen was already perched casually on the porch steps when I left the house.

only enhancing his attractive form

“No, thank you.”

This was amazing! I'm waiting for the next chapter. I really can't wait to hear more about Isaac.

I would have posted an actual review, but lucyy covered most of the things I had a problem with. I didn't see a point in being repetitive. =)

So... with nothing more to say, I wish you luck writing the next piece!

[spoiler]
Red = My corrections or suggestions.
Bold = My comments.
Underline = What I’ll be commenting on.
[s]Red Strikethrough[/s] = Omit
¶ = I started new paragraph.
The next morning, I could feel the anxiety rolling off Elena like waves crashing against a solid rock wall, and it was like I was being consumed by them. I tried my best to comfort her without being too forthcoming about the information I knew; but, eventually, I couldn’t take it anymore, and retreated to the shower like a coward.
I felt guilty about it later, sitting underneath the scalding-hot water. It felt great, massaging out all the muscles in my back, but the tension would return as quickly as it was dispelled, leaving me even more anxious than before. I let the steam fill up the small room, and after I had shut off the water, the steam still clung to me, making using a towel useless.
That’s when I noticed that in my haste to get away from the gloomy Elena, I had forgotten a change of clothes, my old ones already down the chute to the laundry room below. Sighing, I tied the towel securely around myself and peeked cautiously out the door.
No one in sight.
Making a break for it, I shot out of the room, but in my confusion on trying to be as fast as possible, I hit a solid wall, nearly sending me sprawling. Strong, steady hands gripped my shoulders, straightening me before I tripped. I met Carmen’s eyes, which were wide, startled as he was by my dramatized entrance.
I hadn’t really talked to him in over a few weeks and the smile that split his face sent my anxiety retreating like a sun breaking through the clouds.
“Would you like to go talk outside?”
He always knew. No matter how much time passed or what had gone between us, he always sensed my struggles. I nodded and went to quickly change, thankful[s]ly[/s] that Elena was already gone.
Carmen was already perched casually on the porch steps when I left the house. He was whistling softly under [s]t[/s]his breath, an old tune that perked my memory. I folded myself beside him, bringing my knees to my chest in a comforting position.
“So…” I started, letting my gaze drift to his profile. His hair was disheveled, the blonde strands spiking in several different directions, only enhancing his attractive form. Jagged edges made up his face, all masculine. His jaw was a severe line cutting along the top of his neck, his nose a sharp incline perching over full, yet steady lips. His long eyelashes, thick and heavy, fell over his gold orbs, breaking the spell they could cast if held too long.
“So…” he repeated, flashing me a quick smile before letting it fade away, the breeze making his hair ripple like golden sand.
“What does Jasmine’s visit mean?” I blurted, avoiding the obvious question of my anxiety.
Carmen rolled his shoulders, the muscles contracting and then loosening. I noticed for the first time that he was shirtless, a pair of ratty old sweatpants his only attire, his feet bare. It was hard not to stare at his perfect backside but I accomplished it and instead stared into his eyes, which were almost as hard to ignore.
“To be completely honest, I don’t really know. Jasmine is powerful, wise. Usually her visits mean council and guidance, at least by what Philip says.”
“You’ve talked to Philip?”
“I couldn’t sleep, as usual, and found him in his study. We talked and since Jasmine’s arrival was the most interesting event of the day, she became the topic.”
“I just can’t keep Walter’s expression at seeing her from my mind. It was so… angry.” I knew that I should be concerned with his sleepless nights and what they could mean, but I was too interested in the previous night’s activities to dwell too much on that.
Carmen nodded in agreement. “It would make sense. Philip told me Walter and Jasmine had a falling out a few decades back. Supposedly sending their son to live with her was a kind of peace treaty. But if what you say is true, I guess old wounds don’t completely heal.” His last words seemed to hold a double meaning and I felt my body stiffen instinctively. [I[Weren’t we passed the awkwardness? Didn’t we both understand that it was either better for us to be friends or nothing at all?[I] So, why was he bringing up the past again in his aggravating subtle hints that he usually used? I decided that it was best to ignore it and to continue on with the conversation as if I hadn’t noticed it, and neither had he.
“What kind of falling out?” I spoke finally, my voice not giving away my internal struggle at his sly mention of our complicated past.
“An argument about the increasing number of Exiles and Rouges. Philip didn’t say much on the matter, but I’m guessing Jasmine wants to wipe them out completely.”
“Good,” I answered before I could stop myself.
Carmen glanced sideways at me, eyebrows raised. “You really think that’s the best option?”
I squirmed under his gaze. “If it would solve the world’s problems, yes.”
“They are still vampires, still like us. They’ve just chosen a different path. I agree with Walter, saying that we should try to bring them back to sanity instead of destroying them. I fear another war if we choose to fight.”
“A war?” I scoffed. “Carmen, we have lived in peace for years. I don’t think it would come to that.”
“No? There are more Exiles now than we know of. Their numbers are getting out of hand. More murders are seen on the news. More rapes. More fires.”
“Yes, but that’s humans for you. They don’t know how to control their own people.”
“It’s not the humans, Soph. It’s the Exiles.”
“How can you be sure?”
“There are tell-tale signs, like brutality. If the person is said to be drained of all life and ripped to pieces, who do you think that sounds like?”
I swallowed hard at the bitterness in Carmen’s voice. “You’ve been thinking about this for awhile, haven’t you?”
“It’s been on my mind,” he answered softly, standing to his feet. I realized that I wasn’t the only one with problems.
I stood as well. “Don’t let it worry you,” I said quietly, wanting to reach out and smooth the wrinkles creasing his brow. “That’s Philip’s job, not yours.”
He sighed heavily, his chest heaving. Then, the wrinkles washed away and the worry vanished as quickly as it came. “Wow, is Sophia Hunt really giving reasonable advice?” His tone was teasing and I couldn’t help but smile.
“It does occasionally happen.”
He laughed, the sound like the low rumble of a violin. “I better go inside,” he said abruptly, his body already halfway up the porch steps. I faced him, perplexed. I followed his gaze to the second-story window where the outline of a female was painted. The tint of red was easily distinguished against the backwash of gray from the curtains and I nodded in understanding.
“Go,” I murmured, knowing it was foolish to try and stop him. His heart lied elsewhere and I no longer had any hold over him.
He nodded. “Thanks for listening, Sophia.”
“No, thank you.”
He smiled before leaving, his trot so smooth and silent that he mimicked the walks of a ghost. When he was gone, I faced towards the encroaching winds and dusty-black clouds. Stretching, I decided to get a run in before the snow fell. It was no use hanging around when Elena was sick with despair and Carmen too in love to notice much else. Maybe I would seek out the boys for another walk through town later.
But right now, I needed time alone to think.
[/spoiler]


Yay!
I have o say I was surprised when I got your PM about this chapter; didn't expect to see another one so soon. But hey, don't stop now.

Anyway, it was rather a very quick read that certainly made me want more. Like, really soon. (No pressure or anything, though). I can't but wonder greatly what makes Sophia think that her + Carmen in something other than friendship would be impossible. I mean, aside from the fact she's destined to fall in love with someone else... Iiii doubt she knows that now, though, so yeah.
Character's as good as ever... her running out in the towel just seemed like a hilarious scene.
One thing, though, maybe more on her attempt at consoling Elena at the start... 'cause we only got what Sophia did, but not really much of Elena aside from the fact that she was all anxious and stuff.
Yet another great chapter, though, and I enjoyed it.

Now, about Eighteen and Isaac's reappearance....

»Sam.

Isaac! Isaac! Isaac! *squeals*

Sorry, I just had a major fangirl moment but, Hey Ash!

I met Carmen’s eyes, which were wide, startled as he was by my dramatized entrance.

I hadn’t really talked to him in over a few weeks and the smile that split his face sent my anxiety retreating like a sun breaking through the clouds.
“Would you like to go talk outside?”

I nodded and went to quickly change, thankfully that Elena was already gone.

Hey Ash.
I've got a question for you. Why can't Sophia and Carmen be together? If she's so gah-gah over him, and before, he said he was all gah-gah as well, what's keeping them apart. If you've already explained it in the story, im sorry. I just can't figure it out.
I saw no real mistakes here, just it's shortness. You keep leaving us, your readers, hungry for more.
Please pm me whenever you get chapter eighteen up. Thanks.

-Jas

Yayy!! Another chapter!! You do know how to make my day, Ash . And I get the first review! Wohoo!! (: Anyway, let's get this review rolling... (:

ashleylee wrote:Okay, this is one of my shorter chapters. I couldn't really find a good point to stop except where I did, hence the shortness of this. But the next chapter introduces, once again, the guy you all have been missing [Isaac!! Ooh, you're such a tease - I can't wait!! ]

Happy Reading!

___________________________

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

The next morning, I could feel the anxiety rolling off Elena like waves crashing against a solid rock wall. [Ooh, great simile (: ] It was like I was being consumed by them[why? Expand on this a little]. I tried my best to comfort her without being too forthcoming about the information I knew, but eventually, I couldn’t take it anymore [take what anymore? You're being a little too vague. What it is that your MC can't deal with?], and retreated to the shower like a coward.
I felt guilty about it later, sitting underneath the scalding-hot water. It felt great, massaging out all the muscles in my back, but the tension[s] would [/s]returned as quickly as it was dispelled, leaving me even more anxious than before. I let the steam fill up the small room and after I had shut off the water, the steam still clung to me, making using a towel useless.
That’s when I noticed that in my haste to get away from the gloomy Elena, I had forgotten a change of clothes, my old ones already down the chute to the laundry room below. Sighing, I tied the towel securely around myself and peeked cautiously out the door.
No one in sight.
Making a break for it, I shot out of the room but in my confusion on trying to be as fast as possible, I hit a solid wall, nearly sending me sprawling [ ]. Strong, steady hands gripped my shoulders, straightening me before I tripped. I met Carmen’s eyes, which were wide, startled as he was by my dramatized entrance.
I hadn’t really talked to him in over a few weeks and the smile that split his face sent my anxiety retreating like a sun breaking through the clouds[another nice simile =D].
“Would you like to go talk outside?”
He always knew. No matter how much time passed or what had gone between us, he always sensed my struggles. I nodded and went to quickly change, thankful[s]y[/s] that Elena was already gone.
Carmen was already [you've used already once before too closely together - try and replace one of them with another word] perched casually on the porch steps when I left the house. He was whistling softly under this breath, an old tune that perked my memory. I folded myself beside him, bringing my knees to my chest in a comforting position.
“So…” I started, letting my gaze drift to his profile. His hair was disheveled, the blonde strands spiking in several different directions, only enhancing his attractive form. Jagged edges made up his face, all masculinity. His jaw was a severe line cutting along the top of his neck, his nose a sharp incline perching over full, yet steady lips. His long eyelashes, thick and heavy, fell over his gold orbs, breaking the spell they could cast if held too long. [Nice character description - great job (: ]
“So…” he repeated, flashing me a quick smile before letting it fade away, the breeze making his hair ripple like golden sand.
“What does Jasmine’s visit mean?” I blurted, avoiding the obvious question of my anxiety [What is it that's making her anxious? Maybe you could refer briefly to it somewhere (like at the start of the chapter?) just as a reminder?].
Carmen rolled his shoulders, the muscles contracting and then loosening. I noticed for the first time that he was shirtless, a pair of ratty old sweatpants his only attire, his feet bare. It was hard not to stare at his perfect backside but I accomplished it and instead stared into his eyes, which were almost as hard to ignore.
“To be completely honest, I don’t really know. Jasmine is powerful, wise. Usually her visits mean council and guidance, at least by what Philip says.”
“You’ve talked to Philip?”
“I couldn’t sleep, as usual, and found him in his study. We talked and since Jasmine’s arrival was the most interesting event of the day, she became the topic.”
“I just can’t keep Walter’s expression at seeing her from my mind. It was so… angry.” I knew that I should be concerned with his sleepless nights and what they could mean but I was too interested in the previous night’s activities to dwell too much on that.
Carmen nodded in agreement. “It would make sense. Philip told me Walter and Jasmine had a falling out a few decades back. Supposedly sending their son to live with her was a kind of peace treaty. But if what you say is true, I guess old wounds don’t completely heal.” His last words seemed to hold a double meaning and I felt my body stiffen instinctively. [I[Weren’t we passed the awkwardness? Didn’t we both understand that it was either better for us to be friends or nothing at all?[I] [little mistake? Was this meant to be in italics?] So,[delete comma] why was he bringing up the past again in his aggravating subtle hints that he [s]usually[/s] uses? I decided that it was best to ignore it and to continue on with the conversation as if I hadn’t noticed it [s]and neither had he[/s].
“What kind of falling out?” I spoke finally, my voice not giving away my internal struggle at his sly mention of our complicated past.
“An argument about the increasing number of Exiles and Rouges. Philip didn’t say much on the matter but I’m guessing Jasmine wants to wipe them out completely.”
“Good,” I answered before I could stop myself.
Carmen glanced sideways at me, eyebrows raised. “You really think that’s the best option?”
I squirmed under his gaze. “If it would solve the world’s problems, yes,” I answered reluctantly [?]
“They are still vampires, still like us. They’ve just chosen a different path. I agree with Walter, saying that we should try to bring them back to sanity instead of destroying them. I fear another war if we choose to fight.”
“A war?” I scoffed. “Carmen, we have lived in peace for years. I don’t think it would come to that.”
“No? There are more Exiles now then we know of. Their numbers are getting out of hand. More murders are seen on the news. More rapes. More fires. Because of them [?] .”
“Yes, but that’s humans for you. They don’t know how to control their own people.”
“It’s not the humans, Soph. It’s the Exiles.”
“How can you be sure?”
“There are tell-tale signs, like brutality. If the person is said to be drained of all life and ripped to pieces, who do you think that sounds like?”
I swallowed hard at the bitterness in Carmen’s voice. “You’ve been thinking about this for a_while, haven’t you?”
“It’s been on my mind,” he answered softly, standing to his feet. I realized that I wasn’t the only one with problems.
I stood as well. “Don’t let it worry you,” I said quietly, wanting to reach out and smooth the wrinkles creasing his brow. “That’s Philip’s job, not yours.”
He sighed heavily, his chest heaving. Then, the wrinkles washed away and the worry vanished as quickly as it came. “Wow, is Sophia Hunt really giving reasonable advice?” His tone was teasing and I couldn’t help but smile.
“It does occasionally happen.”
He laughed, the sound like the low rumble of a violin. “I better go inside,” he said abruptly, his body already halfway up the porch steps. I faced him, perplexed. I followed his gaze to the second-storey window where the outline of a female was painted. The tint of red was easily distinguished against the backwash of gray from the curtains and I nodded in understanding.
“Go,” I murmured, knowing it was foolish to try and stop him. His heart lied elsewhere and I no longer had any hold over him.[Thoughts/feelings about that?]
He nodded. “Thanks for listening, Sophia.”
“No, thank you.”
He smiled before leaving, his trot so smooth and silent that he mimicked the walks of a ghost. When he was gone, I faced towards the encroaching winds and dusty-black clouds. Stretching, I decided to get a run in before the snow fell. It was no use hanging around when Elena was sick with despair and Carmen too in love to notice much else. Maybe I would seek out the boys for another walk through town later.
But right now, I needed time alone to think.