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-Inconcessus- Four



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Sat Jan 10, 2009 10:37 pm
ashleylee says...



All right, this is a tad shorter than others and to be honest, not my best work :oops: So I need all the help I can get on this one.

Happy Reading!

**Thank you my faithful critique-rs: 200397, Meep, Angel of Death, Lucyy, and Night Mistress.**

___________________

CHAPTER FOUR

Smashed against the car door and Michael’s body, I felt my eyes drawn to the vehicle beside us. Through the opaque glass, I could see Carmen in the driver’s seat, his hands gripping the steering wheel with what I could tell was impressive force by the way his hands suddenly gave way. Pulling them back, he eyed the now oval shape of the wheel, his hands starting to shake. His lips formed various words of blasphemy as he struggled to mold it back to the way it was. My lower lip started to tremble as I watched him and I bit down hard, swallowing down the caustic feel of tears.
I knew that part—no most—of his frustration and anger was pinpointed at me. He just couldn’t let go, something I should have seen coming. I knew that Carmen wasn’t good with confrontation; I knew he didn’t deal well with rejection. I should have just let the subject go.
Beside Carmen, Nora’s face came into view, her eyes puzzled as they glanced at his shaking palms. The words her mouth formed were ones of concern but Carmen just looked away to outside, glaring furiously at the snow.
I felt ill.
Philip then appeared outside, walking towards Carmen’s SUV. His jeans were ripped on one knee and his button-up shirt was bleached white, making his skin look ruddy against the glaring pallor of the snow. His hair was a dark brown, spiked with gel, his forehead wide. A shelf of thick eyebrows lined eyes that were a striking hazel, blazing with dissatisfaction.
Perplexed, I leaned closer to the window, curious as to why Philip’s mouth was marred with a scowl. He approached Carmen’s window and tapped pointedly on it. Carmen rolled it down, letting in a gust of wind to the displeasure of its occupants, including Nora who shrieked with surprise. I rolled my window down a crack to better hear them.
“… how… we… late…” was all I caught as Philip spoke, the wind clipping his sentences and scattering them about the grounds.
Carmen’s lips were pulled down in a frown, but he nodded resolutely to Philip before rolling up the window. When Philip turned around, his face was less severe and his eyes cleared of any worries. Stomping through the snow, he went to the front of the long line of cars to climb into a blue Pontiac. Glancing back over at the SUV, I jolted when I saw Carmen’s eyes on me. Their heat pierced through the blizzard-ly weather, pinning me there like a chained dog. But as our stare lengthened, his eyes softened and I caught the glisten of a tear before he swiped his eyes and looked away, turning the key of the ignition.

* * * *

I tried not to think of Carmen, but it was hard not to with his car directly behind us. I could just feel his never-faltering stare as we drove further and further north until we were surrounded by wilderness. I concentrated all my energy towards the outside world, hearing the multitude of animals chanting their diverse songs like a vigorous symphony.
Michael was silent throughout the ride, a stiff rock beside me, motionless. I would glance his way every once and a while, but his eyes were glazed over, stuck somewhere within his thoughts. Dover was to his left, head against the windowpane, fast asleep. His snoring filled the cab with a gentle resonance, joining with the animals to make a sorrowful melody. His hair was a dirty blonde—straight and long, it was pulled into a sleek pony at the base of his neck.
In the driver’s seat was Randy, the largest of us all. Nearing seven feet tall with wiry muscles and a hardened expression, he was Philip’s greatest warrior, though we really had no use for them anymore. The War’s had long ago ceased to exist. I though of Nora then. She was one of the few female warriors the coven had. She had been hand-picked by Philip herself, just close to ten years before the War’s ended. Nora was a sophisticated vampire, one that had seen many fights and survived the Wars. I could understand what Carmen saw in her, compared to me, barely forty years old with a lot to learn.
Giving myself a mental shake, I turned to the seat in front of me. I could see Nate’s face reflected in the side mirror. His image was slightly shaky as the snow pelted against it, but he seemed to be asleep, just like his twin. His hair—the same dirty blonde as Dover’s—was wild and tangled, drastically dissimilar from his brother, coiling around his head in a knotted mess.
I felt safe, then, surrounded by my friends. Their scents were mingled together, though Michael’s was strongest, mimicking the outside air as we passed a forest of pine.
I began to think that maybe this move was a good thing. Maybe this was what our coven needed. A fresh start. Smiling softly, my head fell against the cold windowpane, my cool breath brushing softly against the glass.
My last thought before I drifted off was that maybe even Carmen would learn to forgive me.
How delusional I was…

* * * *

Philip had told us that it was a two-hour drive to Duluth and I slept almost the whole time. It was just as twilight fell when Michael’s cool fingers prodded my shoulder, urging me awake. “Hey, Sophia, wake up!” His fingers took the form of needles, pricking with annoying persistence until my eyelids were finally forced open.
“What?” I snapped, eyes ablaze with agitation.
He smiled, oblivious to my irritation. “We’re here.”
Fully awake then, I peeked out the frosted window, rubbing my hand across it to clear the fog. It looked no different than any other small town, Christmas wreaths and garland strewn across street lamps and hanging on office doors. The atmosphere was merry, though there was still a good three weeks until the holidays started.
“Come on, slow poke,” Michael said, shoving me slightly to get me moving. Before I could react, he was already out the door, slinging my garbage bag over his shoulder along with his own luggage. Glowering at him, I stepped outside, sinking a good foot into the freshly fallen snow. Groaning, I slipped the backpack onto my shoulders, closing the car door behind. Michael joined me soon afterward.
“So this is Duluth, huh?”
“Yeah, not much, I know,” he commented, frowning slightly at the mistletoe dangling enticingly from the eaves of the local homes.
“What did you expect? A sprawling city with night clubs and open bars?” I shook my head as I knew that that was exactly what he had in mind. “Come on, Mike, get real. Philip would only track us two hours up north to a place similar to the one we just left.”
Michael chose not to answer me, but his frown deepened as we rounded the car to face the others. Philip was first to greet us.
“Have a nice trip?” he asked, instantly noting Michael’s puckered brow.
“Sure did,” I answered promptly, aiming for chipper, though my voice came out sour. I couldn’t hide the fact that though this town mimicked Bock, it would never be able to give us the same memories and same good times that we had shared as a coven.
Philip decided not to comment on our dismal expressions and quickly turned towards Rebecca, who was traversing our way dragging a full suitcase through the snow. “Ready to go, Philip?” she asked upon approach.
“Everyone else ready?”
Rebecca nodded, her eyes flickering to mine. My own narrowed in a silent threat. I had never favored Rebecca, though most of the coven did, including Philip. She was like his vice president in all things considered. But I saw past the innocent flock of tawny hair and orange-tinted eyes. There was something in that smile, something in her eyes that hinted at a more sinister being.
But I never did express my thoughts. No one would believe me anyway. To the outside world, Rebecca was like the mother of the coven and was loved most dearly for her compassion… or faking of it.
“Sophia, Michael.” She acknowledged us both with a nod of her head. I barely lifted my chin while Michael’s face split into the first real smile I had seen since we had gotten in the car.
“Rebecca.” I tried hard not to snort when his eyes inconspicuously traveled down her svelte figure. I had seen the same reaction from several other males of the household, and I just rolled my eyes, turning to face the rest of the coven emerging from various vehicles.
I instantly found it comical as to how most were dressed in thin tee shirts and even shorts as the snow continued to fall thickly from the sky. It was lucky for us that most humans were already safely inside their homes so they wouldn’t notice our dysfunctional clothing.
We were able to dress however we want and I was sure that all of us felt the sting of the cold weather, but it was like a fly buzzing near your ear—annoying but easy to ignore.
“So where does this coven of Rebecca’s live?” I asked, turning back to Michael. He was leaning against the trunk of the car, eyes lost in the cloudy masses above. “Hey! Mike!” I called, waving a blurred hand in front of him. He just smiled.
“I heard you the first time. And I have no idea. Why don’t you ask Philip?” I would have been deaf to not hear the slightly sardonic tone in his voice
“What’s up with you?” I pestered, taking a step closer to him.
“Nothing, Sophia.” He glowered, shifting his shoulders so that his back was to me.
Rolling my eyes, I sighed and turned away from him again. That’s when I stopped Carmen and Nora, his hand on her lower back, guiding her through the snow. Nora saw me first, her expression not even wavering as she laughed softly at something Carmen said. Then, he saw me and he froze.
It was more than obvious that something had happened in the room back at the manor. I even heard Michael shift behind me, his curiosity heightened. Nora made an obvious move to prevent what I knew would be another conversation between us, moving into Carmen’s line of sight, blocking me out. I watched them argue a bit in low, tense tones, before retreating, Carmen not even giving me a backwards glance.
I would be lying to myself if I didn’t feel a twinge of regret for letting him go. He had always been my friend but I had known that if I had let him go be with Nora, I would also be letting him go as a friend.
Michael appeared on my left and spoke softly: “I saw that little thing between you two. Wanna talk about it?”
“There’s nothing to talk about. It’s been resolved.” Forcing a smile for appearances, I pulled my backpack higher on my back and followed where the coven was migrating up the steep hill into the woods, taking a back road. Michael didn’t press it any further, as I hadn’t’ with him, and we walked in silence.
The only thing that remained on my mind as we made our trip to Rebecca’s Coven was how quickly things could change in just a blink of an eye.
Last edited by ashleylee on Thu Jan 15, 2009 9:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach
  





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Sun Jan 11, 2009 2:42 am
200397 says...



Hey, Ash! I am so excited for this (no joke). Bold is my corrections, italics will be references, and [s]strikethrough[/s] is what it is. :P

Smashed [s]against[/s] between the car door and Michael’s body, I felt my eyes drawn to the vehicle beside us. Through the opaque glass, I could see Carmen in the driver’s seat, his hands gripping the steering wheel with what I could tell was impressive force by the way his hands suddenly gave way.* Pulling them back, he eyed the now oval shape of the wheel, his [s]hands[/s] palms starting to shake. His lips formed various words of blasphemy as he struggled to mold it back to the way it was. My lower lip started to tremble as I watched him and I bit down hard, swallowing [s]down[/s] the caustic feel of tears.

*This sentence is massive - no offense. It's just really long. Try: Through the opaque glass, I could see Carmen (describe his face more, his expression) in the driver's seat. His hands, white at the knuckles, were obviously gripping the steering wheel with unnatural force.

I knew [s]that part—no most—of[/s] the majority of his frustration and anger was pinpointed at me. He just couldn’t let go, something I should have seen coming. I knew that Carmen wasn’t good with confrontation; I knew he didn’t deal well with rejection. I should have just let the subject go.
Beside Carmen, Nora’s face came into view, her eyes puzzled as they glanced at his shaking palms. The words her mouth formed were ones of concern, but Carmen just looked [s]away to outside,[/s] straight ahead, glaring furiously at the snow.
I felt ill. I love the bluntness here. Dunno why.
Philip then appeared outside, walking towards Carmen’s SUV. His jeans were ripped on one knee and his button-up shirt was bleached white, making his skin look ruddy against the glaring pallor of the snow. His hair was a dark brown, spiked with gel, his forehead wide. A shelf of thick eyebrows lined eyes that were a striking hazel, blazing with dissatisfaction. Good imagery.
Perplexed, I leaned closer to the window, curious as to why Philip’s mouth was marred with a scowl. He approached Carmen’s window and tapped pointedly on it. Carmen rolled it down, letting in a gust of wind to the displeasure of its occupants, including Nora who shrieked with surprise. I rolled my window down a crack to better hear them. The italicized sentence is full of deadwood, the part about the displeasure of the occupants, Nora's shrieking. The gust can cause discomfort, but I would cut the Nora part.
“… how… we… late…” was all I caught as Philip spoke, the wind clipping his sentences and scattering them about the grounds.
Carmen’s lips were pulled down in a frown, but he nodded resolutely to Philip before rolling up the window. When Philip turned around, his face was less severe and his eyes cleared of any worries. Stomping through the snow, he went to the front of the long line of cars to climb into a blue Pontiac. Glancing back over at the SUV, I jolted when I saw Carmen’s eyes on me. Their heat pierced through the [s]blizzard-ly[/s] blizzard-like weather, pinning me there like a chained dog. But as our stare lengthened, his eyes softened and I caught the glisten of a tear before he swiped his eyes and looked away, turning the key of the ignition. Aw, poor Carmen. I would feel sick to my stomach if I did that. I like the emotion.


I have to stop here. :( I hate being cut off in the middle of a good story. I'll come back and finish, I promise!

~Sunny
  





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Sun Jan 11, 2009 3:25 am
Meep(: says...



*envious*
Even a piece that isn't your best work, compared to my best, would still be tons better than mine.
Still, I really enjoyed it.

Once again, your descriptive skills continue to amaze me.
I was torn between feeling sorry for Sophia, or Carmen. Or better yet, both.
But I felt a lot of animosity towards Nora. *sticks tongue out at her*

If you truly want me to say some nitpicky abou the chapter...
*has to think extremely hard*
*suffers mild brain damage from thinking too hard*
Uhh... the entire chapter was basically about describing the trip to Rebecca's coven,
Carmen's jealousy/anger, and Sophia's...mixed feelings :D
But even still, I can argue against this.

So, another excellent job by ashleylee!
*standing ovation* :D
~Liverpool F.C Supporter~
"You'll never walk alone"
  





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Sun Jan 11, 2009 5:25 pm
Angel of Death says...



Hey Ash!

This wasn't as bad as you thought it would be, it was just too short for my taste but it started in a good place and ended in a good place. There were a few grammatical errors and such but Sunny picked them out already and there was great description as always. We're starting to learn about the characters and it's okay to have a breathing chapter.

Favorite part:
Michael appeared on my left and spoke softly: “I saw that little thing between you two. Wanna talk about it?”


Ah, I just love Michael. ^_^


Well good job and keep writing,

~Angel
True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.
  





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Sun Jan 11, 2009 7:27 pm
lucyy says...



Heyy there, ash, I'm extra excited to read your new chapter, no matter what you say, so there =P :wink: :D hehe. So, here I go...

Through the opaque glass, I could see Carmen in the driver’s seat, his hands gripping the steering wheel with what I could tell was impressive force by the way his hands suddenly gave way. Pulling them back, he eyed the now oval shape of the wheel, his hands starting to shake. His lips formed various words of blasphemy as he struggled to mold it back to the way it was. My lower lip started to tremble as I watched him and I bit down hard, swallowing down the caustic feel of tears

Now I love this as an introduction, but just read this aloud and you'll find one very long sentence, then followed with long (but not really long) sentences after, and this makes it lose it's appeal, which we definitely don't want as it's a great introduction and beautifully written!! So my advice to you, would be to read these aloud, and try and shuffle the full stops around and maybe even add in a few semi colons to break it up a little, what do you think?

His jeans were ripped on one knee and his button-up shirt was bleached white, making his skin look ruddy against the glaring pallor of the snow. His hair was a dark brown, spiked with gel, his forehead wide. A shelf of thick eyebrows lined eyes that were a striking hazel, blazing with dissatisfaction.

Great description!! Awesome stuff :D

the blizzard-ly weather

This doesn't sound too great put in narrative, so maybe replace 'ly' by 'like' or something similar to that?

I thought of Nora


barely forty years old, and still with a lot to learn.


I knew that [s]that[/s] was exactly what


males of the household,[full stop] [s]and[/s] I just rolled my eyes


dress however we wanted and


that if I had let him go be with Nora

This doesn't sound quite right, and slightly awkward, so I would either cut out 'go' or 'be'?

as I hadn’t’

Delete extra apostrophe.

The only thing that remained on my mind as we made our trip to Rebecca’s Coven was how quickly things could change in just a blink of an eye.

Now I like this as the finishing sentence, no not just like it, really like it, but it doesn't sound completly right. I'm going to try and rearrange it: As we made our way closer to Rebecca's Coven, the singular thought that remained in my otherwise empty head was how quickly things could change in a blink of an eye.
What do you think?

So, all I could really spot were my OCD nit-picks, so I'm not too sure what you were talking about this being your worst chapter - I think it's an informative chapter that is just needed, although I think you should add more on the end of it. That's the only small suggestion I can think of, otherwise great job, ash!! I can't wait for more (:

Kepp writing!!
--Lucyy xx
"Don't think, or judge. Just Listen."
  





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Tue Jan 13, 2009 6:42 pm
Night Mistress says...



hey ash,

Sorry it took me so long to read this chapter, but i am getting prepare to go back to school.

this chapter for me was a little bit boring until the end.

I am getting the feeling that Sophia does love Carmen or is she just jealous that she doesn't have someone to love?

Nora....i am still peeved about me. she is so differen than in Posioned Roses. She's beautiful and she knows it. she's vain.

sophia...her character is still undecide.

Carmen...his character is he wanted to care for everyone and love someone he can't have.

the other....still undecide for me.

this chapter was more like a filler for me, ash. Pm me when you have the next one up.

see ya around.
"I love you," she whispered in his ear, before taking his mouth with her own.

~Elizzabeth Grey of Addicting Posion
  





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Sun Mar 29, 2009 9:14 pm
Mary.Ellen. says...



I though of Nora then.

It should be thought . You just forgot the t.

Hi there, Ashley. All I saw was that one simple grammar mistake. That's all.

Anyway, I have read every chapter up till now and have critiqued by another name. Yes, by another name. But, that story is for later...

I have no questions and I do remember how accurate and precis your work is and was. I'll try to get in as many chapters I can do for today.

Have a wonderful Sunday and happy writing!

{Ellen}
  





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Tue Apr 07, 2009 10:25 pm
jasmine12 says...



Ah. I'm still just as confused.
I think you should go back an rework the whole car thing. At first, I though Sophia was in Carmen's SUV, not in a car with the other boys. Very Confusing.
Other than that, it wasn't half bad. It still flowed very well, there was, however, no 'wow factor' that makes this chapter a chapter. I dunno. Maybe she could have a dream or soemthing.
What's with Mickael? Does he have a thing for her too? That would make sense, he is rather protective of her. It's cute actually.

And this is really taking a hit on my self esteem. Shes got so MANY guy friends and a half exchick friend. Im jealous. haha.

Well off i go to read.
"Sometimes the worst bad guy makes the best good guy." Nigel--Untouched
  





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Thu Apr 30, 2009 5:41 pm
VehementWriter says...



[spoiler]
Red = My corrections.
Purple = My Suggestions.
[s]Strikethrough[/s] = Omit

Beside Carmen, Nora’s face came into view, her eyes puzzled as they glanced at his shaking palms. The words her mouth formed were ones of concern but Carmen just looked away towards the outside, glaring furiously at the snow.
In the driver’s seat was Randy, the largest of us all. Nearing seven feet tall with wiry muscles and a hardened expression, he was Philip’s greatest warrior, though we really had no use for them anymore. The War’s had long ago ceased to exist. I though of Nora then – she was one of the few female warriors the coven had. She had been hand-picked by Philip himself, just close to ten years before the War’s ended. Nora was a sophisticated vampire, one that had seen many fights and survived the Wars. I could understand what Carmen saw in her, compared to me, barely forty years old with a lot to learn.
I began to think that maybe this move was a good thing. Maybe this was what our coven needed – a fresh start. Smiling softly, my head fell against the cold windowpane, my cool breath brushing softly against the glass.
Philip had told us that it was a two-hour drive to Duluth, and I slept almost the whole time. It was just as twilight fell when Michael’s cool fingers prodded my shoulder, urging me awake. “Hey, Sophia, wake up!” His fingers took the form of needles, pricking with annoying persistence until my eyelids were finally forced open.
We were able to dress however we want and I was sure that all of us felt the sting of the cold weather, but it was like a fly buzzing near your ear—annoying, but easy to ignore.
Rolling my eyes, I sighed and turned away from him again. That’s when I stopped Carmen and Nora, his hand on her lower back, guiding her through the snow. Nora saw me first, her expression not even wavering as she laughed softly at something Carmen said. Then, he saw me, and he froze.
I would be lying to myself if I didn’t feel a twinge of regret for letting him go. He had always been my friend, but I had known that if I had let him go be with Nora, I would also be letting him go as a friend.
Michael appeared on my left and spoke softly, “I saw that little thing between you two. Wanna talk about it?”
The only thing that remained on my mind as we made our trip to Rebecca’s Coven, was how quickly things could change in just a blink of an eye. [/spoiler]


Gahhh, poor Carmen.
And Nora. Ugh.
I guess it all goes out to say you've again succeeded in delivering a good chapter. Yay.
Gonna go read more now...
"The power of accurate obeservation is often called cynicism by those who haven't got it." - Oscar Wilde.

If I could only see right to the end, I'd know just where to begin, and I could put together all the little pieces.
  








Gravity was a mistake.
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