z

Young Writers Society



-Inconcessus- Ten

by ashleylee


All right, this is my other favorite chapter to write! And Isaac is in this chapter so hopefully you guys enjoy it :D

Happy Reading!

_____________________

CHAPTER TEN

Nate was in room 25 on level three. I made my way there, making as little eye contact as possible with the doctors and nurses around me. The white lights were as bright as ever, my temples starting to throb. My ribs and left arm were starting to pain me some as well, but I made sure that my hair covered the cut on the side of my face to avoid the superfluous staring.

When I reached room 25, I realized that Nate was in the Intensive Care unit. This made my chest feel like iron bands were being wrapped tighter and tighter until my lungs were crushed. That’s when I smelled that horrible scent; one that I would never forget.

The smell of death.

It was tangy and raw, burning as it made my way into my nostrils. It made my body convulse and my eyes darken with need. Death and blood combined made my body tense with desire. Thankfully, I had fed and I was able to diminish it with a quick shake of my head.

I pounded my hand against the door and then entered.

There was only one bed in the room, the area empty beside certain luxuries, like a television turned to the cooking channel, a bottle of water, a bathroom, and a window that showed the back side of the hospital.

I looked at everything besides Nate. I didn’t want to see him. I was afraid of what I would see. Did the doctors know what he was? Did they have him tied to the bed like an animal? Did he still have red eyes?

Not able to avoid it any longer, I forced my eyes to land on the bed, to the person occupying it.

Nate’s eyes were closed, the lids a blackish-blue color of fatigue, along with full moons circling them. His skin was, by far, whiter than his surroundings and it made him almost seem to glow. A green hospital gown covered his frame and his hair had been cut, the curls barely an inch long curling around his head, no longer wild. His chest rose and fall, but I could see the telltale signs of his travels.

Scratches and bruises dotted his frame as if he had been splattered with black and red paint. His left arm was in a sling and the complicated machine to his right was monitoring his pulse. I almost laughed when the line that read his heartbeats was completely straight. If someone didn’t know better, they would have thought he was dead.

When a soft laugh did escape my lips, Nate’s eyes fluttered open, displaying black eyes with tinges of pink around the irises. His mouth twisted into a smile, his incisors slightly longer than normal.

“’phia, that you?” His voice sounded brittle, as if he hadn’t used it in a long time, and he immediately reached for his water bottle.

I got there first and twisted the cap, holding it up to his cracked lips. He drank greedily, and I watched in fascination. We didn’t need to eat food or drink water, as humans were required to. But if by some miracle we fell ill, water was the only thing that could clear our systems of whatever ails us.

“Thank you,” Nate croaked when I was done, and I put the water bottle back on the counter, taking a seat in the chair beside his bed. “Here to bust me out?” he asked, his voice slowly coming back to normal.

I smiled. “Of course.”

“I thought I smelled you downstairs but I wasn’t sure.”

“Are you allowed to leave?” I wondered, knowing that was going to be the biggest issue.

He shrugged, pushing down on his arms to raise up his body into a sitting position. I couldn’t take my eyes off his own. The redness was becoming more severe, seeping into the blackness of his irises, making them appear almost blood-soaked.

It made me feel like retching.

Swallowing hard, I forced a smile when Nate turned back to me. But his face was absent of all joy; it was grim and his eyes flashed.

“How long have I been gone?” he managed to say through thin lips.

“Only a day and a half.”

“It feels like ages…” Nate moaned, letting his eyes slipped closed. “They thought I was dead, you know?” He laughed then, but it was a hollow sound, one lacking delight. “I remember them wheeling me in like the devil was after them, using all those stupid machines, shocking me again and again until I screamed for them to stop. I think I scared ten years off of them when I did.” I couldn’t resist smiling, picturing Nate flying out of the bed while the doctors around him were trying to revive him.

“They assumed that something was going on with the machines so they left me be. Still have this thing on my freakin’ thumb, though.” Nate yanked on the cord and the heart monitor was wrenched from him.

“At least you’re okay,” I said, gently touching his arm, but he flinched away from me, shocking me into silence.

“Yeah, sure,” he mumbled. I could tell in his eyes as he peered at me that he wanted to know what happened between us. I wanted to avoid it; I didn’t think I could face him after I told him that he had hurt me. I knew the remorse he would feel, and I don’t think I could handle that for the rest of eternity.

“I’m fine,” I assured him. Nate pierced me with his blood-shot eyes but said nothing. My inquisitiveness was growing inside of me and I couldn’t help but ask him what was on my mind. “Nate… how did we get in Duluth?”

He sat there for a moment, pondering over how to answer. When he did, it surprised me. “To be honest, I can’t really remember. All I know is that I wanted to keep you safe, though I was fighting over myself to do it.” I definitely wasn’t expecting that.

He did it to save me?

Forcing myself not to think more on the subject, I asked him the other question that had bothered me. “How did you get here?”

This time, it only took him mere seconds to answer. “Some kid found me in a snow bank. What are the odds?” I nodded, lost in thought as Nate continued to speak. “Him and his mom have been taking care of me. She’s a nurse, I think.”

It made me panicky to think that humans were helping Nate, and I knew that the sooner we got him out of there, the better. So I stood and grinned down at him. “Should we get you out of here?”

He nodded eagerly, his face breaking into a smile again, washing away all the seriousness I previously saw. It made me feel almost hopefully that he would return back to normal. I just prayed that this wouldn’t permanently damage him like it had to me.

I should have known that even thinking of that night would bring it back. Flashes of the bloodshed I had created back in Bock came to me in crippling waves, making my knees tremble. Faces came to mind, people that I had killed, blood that I had drank. I could still feel the many necks under my hands, the devastating power I had over them. And I had held their lives in my hands—

“Sophia, you all right?” Nate jerked me from my thoughts and I looked at him. Really looked at him. I saw the fragile way his body was bent, the weakness in the furrow in his brow. Nate was one of the more powerful vampires and to see him so broken almost made my heart ache… almost.

I helped Nate from the bed as he ripped the cast from his left arm effortlessness as if it wasn’t made of plaster but of paper. He flexed his fingers of that and winced. It appeared that he had broken his arm. “You’ll have to go see Cassandra,” I informed him when I discovered his clothing in the linen closet of the bathroom.

“Cassandra?” His voice was filled with confusion as he walked around in the room, testing his weight on his legs.

“She’s the coven doctor,” I said when I reemerged into his room to find him twisting his torso back and forth, loosening the knots in his back.

Nate inclined his head in understanding when I told him a little about Cassandra, carefully living out the fact of her vibrant blue hair. Handing him his clothing, he stopped before going to the bathroom.

“Sophia?”

“Yes?” I was worried about what he would ask. Would I be able to tell him? Would I be able to answer whatever he asks?

“Did—“

But I never got to hear what Nate wanted to say for at that moment, another came into the room. The smell that came from the person was pure human and I turned to tell whoever entered hopefully a good story as to why Nate was up and out of bed.

There was no need, however, for I was met by a pair of Nordic-blue eyes and was stunned into silence.

It was the boy from the woods.


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45 Reviews


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Thu Apr 30, 2009 7:50 pm
VehementWriter wrote a review...



[spoiler]
Red = My corrections.
Purple = My Suggestions.
[s]Strikethrough[/s] = Omit
Nate’s eyes were closed, the lids a blackish-blue color of fatigue, along with full moons circling them. His skin was, by far, whiter than his surroundings and it made him almost seem to glow. A green hospital gown covered his frame and his hair had been cut, the curls barely an inch long curling around his head, no longer wild. His chest rose and fell, but I could see the telltale signs of his travels.
I got there first and twisted the cap, holding it up to his cracked lips. He drank greedily, and I watched in fascination. We didn’t need to eat food or drink water, as humans were required to. But if by some miracle we fell ill, water was the only thing that could clear our systems of whatever ailed us.
“I thought I smelled you downstairs, but I wasn’t sure.”
“It feels like ages…” Nate moaned, letting his eyes slip[s]ped[/s] to a close[s]d[/s]. “They thought I was dead, you know?” He laughed then, but it was a hollow sound, one lacking delight. “I remember them wheeling me in like the devil was after them, using all those stupid machines, shocking me again and again until I screamed for them to stop. I think I scared ten years off [s]of[/s] them when I did.” I couldn’t resist smiling, picturing Nate flying out of the bed while the doctors around him were trying to revive him.
“They assumed that something was going on with the machines so they le[s]f[/s]t me be. Still have this thing on my freakin’ thumb, though.” Nate yanked on the cord and the heart monitor was wrenched from him.
“Yeah, sure,” he mumbled. I could tell in his eyes as he peered at me that he wanted to know what happened between us. I wanted to avoid it; I didn’t think I could face him after I told him that he had hurt me. I knew the remorse he would feel, and I didn’t think I could handle that for the rest of eternity.
He nodded eagerly, his face breaking into a smile again, washing away all the seriousness I previously saw. It made me feel almost hopeful[s]ly[/s] that he would return back to normal. I just prayed that this wouldn’t permanently damage him like it had to me.
I helped Nate from the bed as he ripped the cast from his left arm effortlessness as if it wasn’t made of plaster but of paper. He flexed his fingers off that and winced. It appeared that he had broken his arm. “You’ll have to go see Cassandra,” I informed him when I discovered his clothing in the linen closet of the bathroom. [/spoiler]

Gahh, when you said Isaac was in this chapter, I never expected it would be until the last sentence, so you'll have to excuse me as I run off to read the next one.

...One comment I forgot to state previously, though - blue hair. Ha, that's so awesome XD.
And I think the whole brotherly relationship you've got going with the vampires is really sweet, and you certainly know how to handle it.
Also, I like Sophia. Personality wise, I mean. Rather sarcastic and cold in some ways, but definitely an interesting person to get to know.

»Sam.




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Tue Apr 07, 2009 11:29 pm
jasmine12 says...



Uhm, unlike Bri, I like Michael better. Nate can go...nevermind.
hahahaha.
anyways.
again, this is short and so there isnt really much to comment on.
So off i go!




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Wed Apr 01, 2009 3:31 pm
Night Mistress wrote a review...



Hey Ash.

Nate is so sweet. too bad Sophia and Issac are going to end up together. Maybe if they don't end up together, maybe nate could be her mate.

I love Nate! I am glad he is back to normal now.

I wonder what is going to happen in the next chapter. i can't wait to read it. Your story is addicting. Please pm me when you have more. I love reading your stuff. You make the story move along with such ease.

going to the next chapter. see ya there.

Bri.




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Wed Apr 01, 2009 2:09 pm
ashleylee says...



Sunny, Lucy, Angel, KJ:

Wow, you guys are A-MA-ZZZINNNGG!

I love your upbeat comments and I Love how you guys give me criticism. I really hope that I can keep going with this story. I hope to be done with it by the end of this upcoming summer, so September. I'll let you know if I reach that goal :wink:

Wish you all the very best day,

~ashley




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Fri Mar 20, 2009 1:50 pm
KJ wrote a review...



As I said to you before, Ash, I love this story. I hope you continue it, and it would be truly wonderful and amazing if you finished it. So get to work, girl!

Never stop writing, okay? I know you're stressed because of work and the big test coming up, but if you don't make time fo doing something you're good at and love, you might miss out on something later.

Your friend,

KJ




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Tue Mar 17, 2009 12:56 am
Angel of Death wrote a review...



Hey Ash!

Awe darn I wish I would've got here sooner. Looks like Sunny and Luccy picked out all the nit-picks but I loved this chapter and I am eager to see what Isaac thinks of this whole situation. Ooh I'm so glad he's mixed into the plot now and that last line was really good but now I just want to read the next chapter.

Please, post more soon.

Good job,

~Angel




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Tue Mar 17, 2009 12:18 am
200397 wrote a review...



Aw, snap! :smt087 Lucy beat me to the rest of the review.

Ha, just kidding. :) I'd finish the review I started, but after reading through Lucy's, it looks like she picked out everything I was going to mention.

Ah! I am so excited to read more about Isaac! And that last line was perfect! You have me bouncing up and down on my seat, wanting more! Can't wait for chapter 11! :D

Also: I'm excited to see what Isaac thinks of Nate and Sophia being able to rip his cast off. :wink:

PM me, as usual, when you post the next chapter!

~Sunny




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Mon Mar 16, 2009 5:36 pm
lucyy wrote a review...



Hi, ash!! I'm loving how the chapters keep on coming and coming!! :D. I haven't read through Sunny's review, so if I repeat anything, I apologise in advance (: So, let's get reading.... *excited*

ashleylee wrote:All right, this is my other favorite chapter to write! And Isaac is in this chapter so hopefully you guys enjoy it :D[Ooh, you know how to please us :wink: hehe =D ]

Happy Reading!

_____________________

CHAPTER TEN

Nate was in room 25 on level three. I made my way there, making [you've used 'made' and 'making', which both originate from the same-ish word, too closely together, so I would try and replace one of them to avoid repetition (: ] as little eye contact as possible with the doctors and nurses around me. The white lights were as bright as ever, my temples starting to throb [I would try and rephrase this as it's slightly awkward sounding]. My ribs and left arm were starting to pain me some as well, but I made sure that my hair covered the cut on the side of my face to avoid the superfluous staring.
When I reached room 25, I realized that Nate was in the Intensive Care unit. This made my chest feel like iron bands were being wrapped tighter and tighter until my lungs were crushed. That’s when I smelled that horrible scent; one that I would never forget.
The smell of death [Ooh, nice impact].
It was tangy and raw, burning as it made its [s]my[/s] way into my nostrils. It made my body convulse and my eyes darken with need. Death and blood combined made [you're using made a lot; try and go through this and change a few of them] my body tense with desire. Thankfully, I had fed and I was able to diminish it with a quick shake of my head.
I pounded my hand against the door and then entered.
There was only one bed in the room, the area empty beside certain luxuries, like a television turned to the cooking channel, a bottle of water, a bathroom, and a window that showed the back side of the hospital.
I looked at everything besides Nate. I didn’t want to see him. I was afraid of what I would see. Did the doctors know what he was? Did they have him tied to the bed like an animal? Did he still have red eyes?
Not able to avoid it any longer, I forced my eyes to land on the bed, to the person occupying it.
Nate’s eyes were closed, the lids a blackish-blue color of fatigue, along with full moons circling them. His skin was, by far, whiter than his surroundings and it made him almost seem to glow. A green hospital gown covered his frame and his hair had been cut, the curls barely an inch long curling around his head, and no longer wild. His chest rose and fall, but I could see the telltale signs of his travels.
Scratches and bruises dotted his frame as if he had been splattered with black and red paint. His left arm was in a sling and the complicated machine to his right was monitoring his pulse. I almost laughed when the line that read his heartbeats was completely straight. If someone didn’t know better, they would have thought he was dead.
When a soft laugh did escape my lips, Nate’s eyes fluttered open, displaying black eyes with tinges of pink around the irises. His mouth twisted into a smile, his incisors slightly longer than normal.
“’phia, that you?” His voice sounded brittle, as if he hadn’t used it in a long time, and he immediately reached for his water bottle.
I got there first and twisted the cap, holding it up to his cracked lips. He drank greedily, and I watched in fascination. We didn’t need to eat food or drink water, as humans were required to. But if by some miracle we fell ill, water was the only thing that could clear our systems of whatever ails us.
“Thank you,” Nate croaked when [s]I[/s] he was done, and I put the water bottle back on the counter, taking a seat in the chair beside his bed. “Here to bust me out?” he asked, his voice slowly coming back to normal.
I smiled. “Of course.”
“I thought I smelled you downstairs but I wasn’t sure.”
“Are you allowed to leave?” I wondered, knowing that this was going to be the biggest issue.
He shrugged, pushing down on his arms to raise up his body into a sitting position. I couldn’t take my eyes off his own. The redness was becoming more severe, seeping into the blackness of his irises, making them appear almost blood-soaked.
It made me feel like retching.
Swallowing hard, I forced a smile when Nate turned back to me. But his face was absent of all joy; it was grim and his eyes flashed.
“How long have I been gone?” he managed to say through thin lips.
“Only a day and a half.”
“It feels like ages…” Nate moaned, letting his eyes slip[s]ped[/s] closed. “They thought I was dead, you know?” He laughed then, but it was a hollow sound, one lacking delight. “I remember them wheeling me in like the devil was after them, using all those stupid machines, shocking me again and again until I screamed for them to stop. I think I scared ten years off of them when I did.” I couldn’t resist smiling, picturing Nate flying out of the bed while the doctors around him were trying to revive him.
“They assumed that something was going on with the machines so they left me be. Still have this thing on my freakin’ thumb, though.” Nate yanked on the cord and the heart monitor was wrenched from him.
“At least you’re okay,” I said, gently touching his arm, but he flinched away from me, shocking me into silence.
“Yeah, sure,” he mumbled. I could tell in his eyes as he peered at me that he wanted to know what had happened between us. I wanted to avoid it; I didn’t think I could face him after I told him that he had hurt me. I knew the remorse he would feel, and I [s]don’t[/s] didn't think I could handle that for the rest of eternity.
“I’m fine,” I assured him. Nate pierced me with his blood-shot eyes but said nothing. My inquisitiveness was growing inside of me and I couldn’t help but ask him what was on my mind. “Nate… how did we get in Duluth?”
He sat there for a moment, pondering over how to answer. When he did, it surprised me. “To be honest, I can’t really remember. All I know is that I wanted to keep you safe, though I was fighting over myself to do it.” I definitely wasn’t expecting that.
He did it to save me?
Forcing myself not to think more on the subject, I asked him the other question that had bothered me. “How did you get here?”
This time, it only took him mere seconds to answer. “Some kid found me in a snow bank. What are the odds?” I nodded, lost in thought as Nate continued to speak. “Him and his mom have been taking care of me. She’s a nurse, I think.”
It made me panicky to think that humans were helping Nate, and I knew that the sooner we got him out of there, the better. So I stood and grinned down at him. “Should we get you out of here?”
He nodded eagerly, his face breaking into a smile again, washing away all of the seriousness I previously saw. It made me feel almost hopefully that he would return back to normal. I just prayed that this wouldn’t permanently damage him like it had to me [ooh, I'm intrigued...].
I should have known that even thinking of that night would bring it back. Flashes of the bloodshed I had created back in Bock came to me in crippling waves, making my knees tremble. Faces came to mind, people that I had killed, blood that I had drank. I could still feel the many necks under my hands, the devastating power I had over them. And I had held their lives in my hands—
“Sophia, you all right?” Nate jerked me from my thoughts and I looked at him. Really looked at him. I saw the fragile way his body was bent, the weakness in the furrow in his brow. Nate was one of the more powerful vampires and to see him so broken almost made my heart ache… almost [again, I'm intrigued (: ].
I helped Nate from the bed as he ripped the cast from his left arm effortlessness as if it wasn’t made of plaster but of paper [try and rephrase this, as it's slightly awkward sounding]. He flexed his fingers of that and winced. It appeared that he had broken his arm. “You’ll have to go see Cassandra,” I informed him when I discovered his clothing in the linen closet of the bathroom.
“Cassandra?” His voice was filled with confusion as he walked around in the room, testing his weight on his legs.
“She’s the coven doctor,” I said when I reemerged into his room to find him twisting his torso back and forth, loosening the knots in his back.
Nate inclined his head in understanding when I told him a little about Cassandra, carefully [s]living[/s] leaving out the fact of her vibrant blue hair [why? Expand on this a little]. Handing him his clothing, he stopped before going to the bathroom [try and reword this also, as the Handing him his clothing, he stopped is hard to get your head around; it's almost as though you've missed something out...].
“Sophia?”
“Yes?” I was worried about what he would ask. Would I be able to tell him? Would I be able to answer whatever he asks?
“Did—“
But I never got to hear what Nate wanted to say for at that moment, another [another would imply that this person was also a vampire, so I would try and change that] came into the room. The smell that came from the person was pure human and I turned to tell whoever entered hopefully a good story as to why Nate was up and out of bed.
There was no need, however, for I was met by a pair of Nordic-blue eyes and was stunned into silence.
It was the boy from the woods. [Why, oh why did you stop there?? *evil eyes*. Awesome way to end the chapter, ash, you have my head literally spinning with thoughts on what's going to happen next!! (: ]


Overall Thoughts
There is nothing major that I picked up on that I think you could work on as, as always, this is another brilliant chapter!! If you just brush up on the minor things I pointed out, then it'll all be good!! :D Congrats on another awesome chapter, ash; you really are one hell of a writer!! I hope this review helped you out (:

Keep writing (please!!!) =D
--Lucyy xx




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Mon Mar 16, 2009 2:18 am
200397 wrote a review...



Woo-hoo! :smt041 I love it how these chapters keep on coming! And I'm excited to hear what Isaac has to say. :wink:

Nate was in room 25 on level three. I made my way [s]there[/s] to the stairs to avoid confrontations with humans, making as little eye contact as possible with the doctors and nurses around me. The white lights were as bright as ever, [s]my temples starting to throb.[/s] making my temples start to throb horribly. My ribs and left arm were starting to pain me [s]some[/s] as well, but I made sure that my hair covered the cut on the side of my face to avoid the superfluous staring that was usually associated with such public wounds.
When I reached room 25, I realized that Nate was in the Intensive Care unit. This made my chest feel like iron bands were being wrapped tighter and tighter until my lungs were crushed. That’s when I smelled that horrible scent; one that I would never forget. (This whole paragraph is worded strangely, and not a good strange. my rewrite:

At the door of room 25, I stopped, sniffing the air. There was a hint of . . . something that didn't fit. I looked up at the facade of the door and froze. ICU. Intensive Care Unit. My chest constricted, like iron bands were being wrapped tighter and tighter until my lungs were crushed. Then the horrible scent rushed out to meet me, a smell I knew well. One I would never forget.

Just a few changes to put emphasis on the smell and her uncomfortable sensation.) :lol:


The smell of death.
It was tangy and raw, burning as it made [s]my[/s] its way into my nostrils. It made my body convulse and my eyes darken with need. Death and blood combined made my body tense with desire. Thankfully, I had fed and I was able to [s]diminish[/s] banish it with a quick shake of my head.
I pounded my hand against the door and then entered.


Oops! I have to go. Sorry! :lol: I'll come back and finish, I promise.

~Sunny





How odd I can have all this inside me and to you it’s just words.
— David Foster Wallace