-Inconcessus- Fifteen

I ejoyed this, and I didn't see any errors.

Please continue! I am anxious for the rest.

[spoiler]
Red = My corrections.
Purple = My Suggestions.
[s]Strikethrough[/s] = Omit
“What are you doing here?” I blurted before I could stop myself.
Isaac looked amused. “Hi to you, too.”
I shrugged. “Sorry. I just didn’t expect to see you again.”
“That’s all right. I assumed from our last encounter that you didn’t want to see me again.”
I just stared. Who was this kid? And who did he think he was, jumping to conclusions about me? “You assumed correct,” I finally pronounced, narrowing my eyes at him. It wasn’t right how attentive he was, his eyes always probing, always… watching.
Clenching my jaw, I forced calm back into my body and spun to fac
e him, catching him off guard by my swiftness and sending him stumbling backwards. “Listen, I don’t know who you are. All I know is that you saved Nate. I greatly appreciate that, but I don’t want you making a habit out of this.”

“Of course I do. You were bleeding to death, but got right to your feet like nothing happened. I’m pretty sure any person wouldn’t forget that easily. I thought you were going to die.”

He nodded, a sad look coming into his eyes. “Well, I guess until next time, Sophia Hunt.” He smiled at me, shook Dover’s hand, and then made his exit, his lope one of confidence, but also of contentment, as if he was completely satisfied with his life and who he was.

Spinning quickly, I found myself remembering the sound from an earlier time, realizing that it was the birdcall from before. I let a shiver ripple through my body before pressing forward, the boys’ voices becoming clipped in the howling wind. I wouldn’t let this animal get the better of me. This was just a bird I had never heard before. Nothing more; nothing less. But I sure couldn’t ignore the helpless feeling it gave me – the rush of panic at the resonance. So instead of continuing on, I stopped. “Hey! Guys! I think we should head back!” I shouted, my voice easily reaching their ears despite the conditions.
[/spoiler]

Nooo... that can't have been the last chapter.
I definitely liked it better when I had 15 other to read.
Well, I guess I'll have to wait like a normal person now for you to come out with the next one.

So, recap:

Characterization. Imagery. Suspense. Realism. Development.

All strong points that make this story really, really great. Aside from the fact that you have a unique-ish story going (the ish being since every story right now seems to be about vampires, which is rather on the annoying side if you ask me), you also have a really good way of telling it.
So, no pressure... but do hurry with the next one... hehe... oh, and do PM me when you do release it...

»Sam.

Hey Ash!

I'm sorry for not reading this a long time ago. I haven't been getting on as often as I used to but, I've finally read it and it looks like everyone else found the nit-picks. So I will just say that this was a good chapter. It probably wasn't your best one in content but it was written well and I'm still curious about this bird thing and Isaac.

Hope all is well and keep writing,

~Angel

Alright, Ash. Here as promised...and yes, if you were wondering, the room IS clean for once.
Okay, enough about me...lets move on to this chapter.
I was thinking of ways you could lengthen this without adding any new scenes or anything that might disrupt the flow of the chapter. I think that there should be more between Isaac and Sophia. In my opinion the vibe she gets off him should be more...just more. heh. Like, maybe have him brush up against her arm and the light pressure sends her instinctual panic scense to go crazy. Much like the fingernail thing. I also thing more should be said between them. Give sophia a reason to have him on her mind. Have him say soemthing comepletely utterly mouthwatering. Otherwise, if i was sophia I wouldnt give him a second thought.
You aren't adding any more to the bird mystery. if you are doing it for suspence purposes, you got that down packed. I think you should add something new. Is she peeping over her shoulder everytime the bird wail becomes to loud and too close? Things like her adreneline rush when her pretator is too near. Ya know? I think that would put a little umph on the plot.
Please...please. give us more dialog. Show us who Sophia really is. You tell us shes shy here...but i havent really seen it. She wasn't shy with elena..and deffinitly not with the boys. Her instincts tell her to be rude to Isaac. not her shyness.
Other than these things, your grammer is flawless from what i saw. I'd open a thesarous to help the the discriptons if you use the same words all the time.
Good luck with following chapters.

p.s sorry if any misspellings...havent figured out how to work spell checker yet.

Hey Ash!

Guess what?

Sela likes coconuts.

ashleylee wrote:CHAPTER FIFTEEN

“What are you doing here?” I blurted before I could stop myself.
Isaac looked amused. “[s]Hi[/s] Hello to you too.” (Seems to flow better to me.)
I shrugged. This seems to me a bit casual for the surprise Sophia's just had. I don't know if your vampires can blush (I'm assuming no?), but maybe change "shrugged" to something that denotes embarrassment or discomfort. “Sorry. I just didn’t expect to see you again.”
“That’s all right. I assumed from our last encounter that you didn’t want to see me again.”
I just stared. Who was this kid? And who did he think he was jumping to conclusions about me? “You assumed correct,” I finally pronounced, narrowing my eyes at him. It wasn’t right how attentive he was, his eyes always probing, always… watching.
“So I guess that means you don’t like me very much,” he mused, his eyes traveling from the shelf back to me. He had a comical expression on his face, one of confidence, as if he was taunting my intelligence. (Ha, I can see it know. )
“I don’t know you. That’s why.” I stepped around him, my [s]urges[/s] instincts screaming at me to run. The shop was too small, the shelves too close together. He was too close.
That’s when I first started to detect the slight difference in his scent. It wasn’t much, like an added chord to a long-remembered melody. But the longer I concentrated on it, the more pronounced it became. Never had any human I had ever come across smelled this way. It made the hair on the back of my neck prickle; [s]made my nails began to grow.[/s] Slowly, my nails began to elongate. I clenched my fists to try and stop them. (Just gave it a go. )
Clenching my jaw, I forced calm back into my body and spun to face him, catching him off guard by my swiftness and sending him stumbling backwards. “Listen, I don’t know who you are. All I know is that you saved Nate. I greatly appreciate that but I don’t want you making a habit out of this.”
“Out of what?” he asked innocently, tilting his head like a dog hearing a new command—interested and alert.
“Popping up in places, randomly saving my family members—“
“I’m pretty sure you’re the one who keeps popping up in places. I had no idea Nate was your cousin, nor did I know you when I found you in the woods.”
“So you remember that?” I asked quietly. I had hoped be hadn't.
“Of course I do. You were bleeding to death but got right to your feet like nothing happened. I’m pretty sure any person wouldn’t forget that easily. I thought you were going to die.” (I think it would be good right here for Sophia to notice some of his emotion: perhaps fear or sincerity. Just something the memory sturs up.)
“I would think that the son of a nurse [s]would get used to seeing death[/s] wouldn't be bothered by death,” I said rudely, lowering my voice to a dangerous decibel.
Isaac stiffened. “I guess most people never get used to death, even if their parents have a profession in it.” His voice was cold and I felt like I had been slapped.
For some reason I couldn’t explain, I found myself apologizing. “I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have said that. I’m just not the most… friendly person when meeting people. I tend to keep to myself.” Why did I just admit that? I searched frantically for a reason why I had confessed to him that I was shy. Why did I share that with a perfect stranger? A human stranger at that?
He shrugged coolly. “That’s okay. I guess I should have introduced myself properly before.” Holding out his hand to me, he said: “’Name’s Isaac Ligaroti.”
I stared at the hand as if it were a ghost reaching for me. Before I understood what was happening, I was taking the hand, trusting the human before me, and warmth engulfed my palm. “Nice to meet you, Isaac Ligaroti.” I tested the name on my tongue, liking the way the ‘R’ rolled off with a soft purr before releasing his hand. “Your last name… Italian, right?”
He smiled, a genuine one that lit up his whole face, making his eyes glow. “Yeah, how did you know?”
I shrugged. “Lucky guess.” (Okay, so this part is kind of . . . testy. Not that it's badly written, but to me it seems so obvious that Isaac's name is Italian. It just . . . is. [That's coming from an Italian myself. ] So I would change it to something like this:

He smiled, a genuine one that lit up his whole face, making his eyes glow. "Yeah. Is it that obvious?"
I shrugged. "Kinda."

“Sophia!” My name was called at a high intensity and I turned to see Dover walking towards me. He didn’t notice Isaac at first and continued to speak. “You gotta come see Michael at work. We’ve never seen him so suave.” He chortled at his own joke and then finally noticed the human.
NP>> [s]Glancing back at me with raised eyebrows, I cut in.[/s] Before he could say anything about the situation, I said hurriedly, “This is Isaac. Isaac, this is Dover, Nate’s twin.”
Isaac’s eyes widened. “Oh, nice to meet you, Dover. Nate mentioned you a few times.”
“Did he now?” Dover looked mildly interested, though I could still tell that he was curious as to why I was having a conversation with the human who saved Nate inside a crowded antique store.
“Yeah, he said you were the smart one.”
Dover laughed. “I’m glad my brother knows when to tell the truth.” I smiled, liking how at ease Dover suddenly was by the way his shoulders relaxed and the effortless smile that crossed his features. I liked knowing that Dover accepted Isaac as well, though I feared that I was beginning to think that this human would be a regular occurrence in my life.
“All right, I guess I should go see what a dork Michael is being before I miss it,” I stated, taking a step back from Isaac.
He nodded, a sad look coming into his eyes. “Well, I guess until next time, Sophia Hunt.” (So, did I miss something (it's likely; the computer screen does weird things to me) but did she say her last name? Or is the fact that he already knows part of the mystery? ) He smiled at me, shook Dover’s hand, and then made his exit, his lope one of confidence but also of contentment, as if he was completely satisfied with his life and who he was.
I hadn’t noticed that I was staring until he turned the corner and was out of sight. Only then did I jolt myself out of my musings and turned to face Dover’s scrutinizing stare. “Sophia,” he warned in a low growl, and I snarled back.
“He started talking to me. Besides, he’s nothing but a harmless human. We won’t see him again.”
“That’s not what it sounded like to me.”
“He’s just talking to talk. I guarantee you he’ll never come around again.” Focusing my entire attention upon Michael and his pathetic attempt at trying to get the female human behind the counter to give him ten-percent off his purchase, I ignored Dover and his stare. I had to admit Michael was pretty entertaining and I didn’t have to try as hard to keep Isaac from entering my thoughts. Eventually, however, he crept back into my mind as Michael’s endeavors failed for the last time and the female threatened to call the police.
As we left the antique store, I shoved my hands deep into my pockets just as the clouds shook with thunder before releasing fat snowflakes that drifted and swirled down to the earth as if participating in a dizzying waltz. (Great imagery, Ash. ) I pulled up the hood of my sweatshirt and hovered near Dover as the boys argued about whether they should head back home or take a run around town. Carmen and Nora claimed that they had Christmas wrapping to do so declined the offer of a run and started back towards the cottage. So I was left with the boys to hang out with for the rest of the afternoon.
Great.
I had the sudden vicious urge to be alone. Isaac was still on my mind. Never had I thought twice about a human, even the ones I killed. It just wasn’t instinctual for us to care about our prey. It was just plain unnatural if we did. And now I was mulling over a young human boy who seemed to have caught me off guard, made me nervous, and I was currently paying the price for my stupidity at letting him get under my skin.
The sky slowly darkened above, the snow turning to sleet and then pure ice. I let it bounce off my back as if it were harmless pillows instead of dagger-like icicles. The boys were up ahead, enjoying the weather much more than I was, using the icicles as darts, aiming at near-by wildlife and tree trunks. I felt slightly bad for the sleeping owls and chilled squirrels until I heard the unmistakable call of a dying animal. It was sharp, vivid, like it was right by my ear.
Spinning quickly, I found myself remembering the sound from an earlier time, realizing that it was the bird call from before. I let a shiver ripple through my body before pressing forward, the boys’ voices becoming clipped in the howling wind. I wouldn’t let this animal get the better of me. This was just a bird I had never heard before. Nothing more; nothing less. But I sure couldn’t ignore the helpless feeling it gave me; the rush of panic at the resonance. So instead of continuing on, I stopped. “Hey! Guys! I think we should head back!” I shouted, my voice easily reaching their ears despite the conditions.
Dover turned, looking ready to refuse, but then saw my expression, and agreed. I waited for them to backtrack to me before turning around and heading back to the cottage. But the whole way back, the bird cry rang in my ears like a bad omen and I had the horrible sinking feeling that it wouldn’t be the last time that I heard it.

Hey ash,

I didn't feel any special as i alwasy do when i read your chapters. This one felt flat to me, like it was missing that spark. It was a great filler chapter and we got to see issac again.

now, Sophia thinks she will never see him again, but she is wrong, isn't she? She will see him again and again. and then she will do the unthinkable and fall for him.

I can't wait for the future.

See ya around

Bri aka Night Mistress

I like coconuts. Do you like coconuts?

Ermmm, sozzies. Anyways, thanks for the PM. Here I go!

Isaac looked amused. “Hi to you too.”

Who was this kid? [s]And who did he think he was jumping to conclusions about me?[/s]

“You assumed correctly,” I finally [s]pronounced[/s] said, [s]narrowing my eyes at him.[/s]

“So I guess you don’t like me very much?” he mused, his eyes traveling from the shelf back to me. He had a comical expression on his face, one of confidence, as if he was taunting my intelligence.

“I don’t know you. That’s why.” I stepped around him, my urges screaming at me to run. The shop was too small, the shelves too close together. He was too close.

the boys’ voices becoming clipped in the howling wind.

I shouted. [s]my voice easily reaching their ears despite the conditions. [/s]

I waited for them to backtrack to me before turning around and heading back to the cottage. But the whole way back, the bird-call rang in my ears like a bad omen and I had the horrible sinking feeling that it wouldn’t be the last time that I heard it.

Yayy, I am the first to review *high fives*!! Anyway, I'm really excited to get on and read this chapter, so here I go... (:

ashleylee wrote:This one is shorter than all the rest but after this, things start picking up again. Hopefully I haven't been too boring

ashleylee wrote: It wasn’t right how attentive he was, his eyes always probing, always… watching.

ashleylee wrote:“So I guess you don’t like me very much?” he mused, his eyes traveling from the shelf back to me.

ashleylee wrote:That’s when I first started to detect the slight difference in his scent. It wasn’t much, like an added chord to a long-remembered melody. But the longer I concentrated on it, the more pronounced it became. Never had any human I had ever come across smelled this way. It made the hair on the back of my neck prickle; made my nails began to grow.

ashleylee wrote:For some reason I couldn’t explain, I found myself apologizing. “I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have said that. I’m just not the most… friendly person when meeting new people.

ashleylee wrote:I stared at the hand as if it were a ghost reaching for me. Before I understood what was happening, I was taking the hand, completely trusting the human before me, and warmth engulfed my palm.

ashleylee wrote:He smiled at me, shook Dover’s hand, and then made his exit, his lope was one of confidence but also of contentment,

ashleylee wrote:Spinning quickly, I found myself remembering the sound from an earlier time, realizing that it was the birdcall from before. [s]I let a[/s] A shiver rippled through my body before pressing forward, the boys’ voices becoming clipped in the howling wind.