What you'll never see

I don't think it's terrible ^^ it could probably use a few more lines but I like it I think it's great so nice job it might be short but it's wonderful you really shouldn't change it if you don't want to no matter what anyone else thinks when I write I really don't feel a need to change it but the reviews sometimes make me feel bad anyways great work keep it up I look forward to reading more of your work thanks

Hi arianaSarroyo,here is Dark to give review on your poem.

First of all,I love the theme you want to show up here.It quiet nice poem to read.
# If no one will listen
If no one will hear
If no one will answer
We will wait here -->First stanza here seems a bit odd .The element of repetition doesn't work so well here.What?-Yes,it don't help much to make it attractive.Also,'we will wait here'-what is actually 'here' is?It's not so clear.

# We'll stay with pain running through
Our veins-->This lines is amazing.It has effect on my mind.I can sense the pain inside Good job!
The pain you'll never see
Waiting for an answer-->Again,this three lines ruined it.You should write something more deeper here.Clearly,but still in poetic way.How about if you use simile to describe their pains and how blind is people to see/realize it.
From the friend you'll never be

# We'll suffer in the silence
Day after day
Watching the years go by
Watching life fade away -->I totally like the ending here.It is perfect to me.
Keep it up
Kudos,cheers
~Dark.
p/s:Don't forget about the punctuation here

Hey there, Cailey here with a review on this fine (rainy) day.

First off, I must say that I love your formatting. At first I just saw the first line and was like "what? This really is unfinished..." but then I scrolled down enough to see the rest.

But I love how you separate them, because it just makes the fact that the narrator feels alone- like there really is no one to listen. It's just there, alone in the beginning of a poem with no other words around, and it makes the theme stand out that much more.

And then the next part, where "we will wait here" sticks by the line before- almost defiantly, like it doesn't matter if no one cares.

However, I don't quite see why there's such a long break between the next two stanzas. I mean, they both talk about pain- and it seems like they are giving the same impression, so why are they separated so much? It seemed like the line breaks are a little bit awkward there, too, but maybe you had a reason for separating them like that?

Also, I think it might be nice if you had a break after "We'll suffer in the silence" before going on to the last three lines.

Okay, so now away from formatting. (I really hope this was formatted like this on purpose and not just one of the YWS mixed up formats that sometimes happen. That would be embarrassing on my part. Haja!)

Anyway, I think you should add a little bit more detail and more information. I want to know a little more about "we" and about "you". What happened? What is the relationship between them? Why is there a problem?

Of course you don't need to answer any of these, and you probably left it vague on purpose, but it seems like a little bit more would be helpful.

Also, the last line isn't very strong. Most of your lines are very strong and very decisive, but the last lines aren't as much. "Watching life fade away" is a little bit hard to say- I had to read it twice to make it fit the rhythm of the poem, and it doesn't fit with the rest of the poem.
Most of your piece is showing a bit of defiance- "we will wait here" "We'll stay" "Waiting for an answer" "We'll suffer" all of that is saying that they're going to stick it out. But then in the last line you turn it into them just sitting and doing absolutely nothing and letting life just go on its way. I think you should stick to the stubbornness of waiting no matter what, and somehow try and bring that into the last line as well.

Anyway, I hope this helps. Sorry if it's really long. Let me know if you have any questions or comments, and of course, keep writing!!

Hey! Am here to review this piece.
"If no one will listen


If no one will hear
If no one will answer

We will wait here



We'll stay with pain running through

Our veins

The pain you'll never see

Waiting for an answer

From the friend you'll never be



We'll suffer in the silence

Day after day

Watching the years go by

Watching life fade away"

First of all add comma's , full stops and semi colons. Without that a poem is incomplete.

In this lines
"If no one will listen


If no one will hear
If no one will answer"

I think if should not be repeated in the second and the third line. Then it would sound better.


Thanks!