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140,474 Literary Works • 673,243 Reviews
Hey....*stares down at her feet* Willow C. Here. I want to be serious, so no fun entrance like I usually do. I need to post a few of my pieces to end my first book with, so I selected you randomly to review for my points. I read some of your other pieces and OMG, you are a deep writer. So this will be a challenge for me to review because deep is not really my forte. So that is my caution.
Anyways, review time. I am very concerned with how things get separated in pieces, because it's often overlooked, and honestly I don't think that anyone should mess with the theme and voice of this piece. It's very affective and strong without being overdramatic, so stanzas! Stanzas interest me a lot because they're almost NEVER used perfectly. They do two things, separate the piece into bite-sized chunks that don't freak out the reader, or they add special effect to certain words or phrases. Consider the following...
The thoughts exploded out of me like a jet of pressurized air. Once I started I couldn't stop. And he swooped down to force them back into my mind. His eagle eyes searching for any weakness and his talons piercing my armor. And there I sat, swallowing myself. Keeping myself under raps. Like I always do.
...Now versus this...
The thoughts exploded out of me like a jet of pressurized air.
Once I started I couldn't stop.
And he swooped down to force them back into my mind.
His eagle eyes searching for any weakness
and his talons piercing my armor.
And there I sat,
swallowing myself.
Keeping myself under raps.
Like I always do.
...same words, different separation. I find that each line should finish a thought. Try not to separate in the middle of what would be a sentence because when someone reads this out loud, each line is like a comma and each stanza has a pause in between.
Really nice work though.
-Willow C.
Back again! Be expecting more
So The way the poem starts with "If I could remember" sets up a certain structure I think the whole thing should follow. This part ^ sort of starts something else. Like a new story is beginning instead of a continuation of the story and structure of the previous lines. Does that make sense? I often feel like I babble and never get to the point clearly enough. Anyway, I think something like this would be a better transition that fits better with the rest of it: "The days when I wasn't..." or "A time when..."
This is a good line.
Okay so this poem needs some work. The skeleton is there with good basics and ideas that are raw and definitely easy to relate to, but it's a little underdeveloped. The damage being down to society is significant yes, but in a poem with a matter that can be so personal I think sticking down the path of personal examples in innocence would be best. Also give more, more! The spacing is a little weird and I'm not really sure what the rhyming scheme, I think with fixed formatting and a longer work that would be more clear. As I seem to always be saying: make it longer, more meaty. Good ideas, good start, some good lines, but there's some cutting to be done, less "junk" words in a line usually make for a better line, but then more lines in a poem can sometime make for a better poem, especially if it's a story that sort of progresses and the reader starts here and ends there. The more transitioning you make between the here and thee can make for a better overall affect. So it's really all about how you use the words you choose, put them in good places instead of insignificant ones and the reader will get a lot more emotion out of it.
Onto the next one!
CHARGE!
Take with salt; mind with care.
Egregiousness. You have some. Read that blog post and see if you can tell what I mean. For instance: "When my mother held me tight to her body." You do not need "to her body." Just "When my mother held me tight." Becoming more curt can empower your writing.
Remove conjunctions especially. Conjunctions are (almost) always evil.
"city" and "country" poetically match. It's good. I like it. But again, mind egregious verbiage, and remove it wherever possible.
Also, "towards" needs only be "toward." You can remove the 's'.
This is a personal note, but I hate all the white space. I understand you are attempting to create a somber atmosphere for your work, but I want my words lined up nicely. I expect them that way.
"When I cherished the soundness of sleep." This is a very passive line. It could, for instance, be revised like "When I cherished sound sleep." That removes much egregiousness, you see - destroying both a "the" and an "of" at once.
For the most part, you are just a little too wordy. Still true in the second to last stanza.
"The beauty of the stars in the sky illuminated the earth." Objective error: Is it the beauty of stars which is illuminating, or that stars, which illuminate the earth, are beautiful?
I think you mean "Beautiful stars illuminated the earth".
And ellipses actually have 3 periods.
You end relatively strongly.
This is a poem written in passive voice on purpose. It is past tense; it is about memory. What this means, incidentally, is that you must have stronger sentence structure, better style, and more powerful diction to ensure the work is still well-written. You are lacking in some of those areas. You must really drive the point - you cannot simply have emotion, you must capably express it.
The work has potential. I apologize if this seems harsh, but it is bland. Somewhat uninspired. Linguistically, it is boring.
This does not mean the story is not worth telling; I do not mean to discourage you. But the story deserves to be told well. Which means you must reach deeper, find more inspiration, and write something stronger.
I apologize it took me so long to review this. To be honest, I forgot about your posting to my wall. Seriously, it is unlike me to be so unresponsive, and I apologize for giving a bad impression.
You are saying something beautiful. All that is left is to make sure you say it well.
Be forever hortatory,
~Skorlir
Howdy.
Poetry isn't my forte, but I made a general offer and you took me up on it so here I am! Hope this is helpful.
"There was once a day when I wasn't aware of humanity and its ruthlessness savagery
And rejection of the weak."
This is a big sentence for a couple of reasons.
Firstly, you've dropped the remembrance motif, which I thought was a shame, but it's your call.
Secondly there's some confusing grammar going on. There are two categories of things the narrator wasn't aware of. The first is "humanity", which is a little confusing, as it positions the narrator outside of humanity. On its own I'd be tempted to read it as "components of humanity I didn't know about, but don't like". The reason I can't read it that way is that the second category is those things, so I'm a little unclear about what's going on in "humanity".
Thirdly, the grammar of "its ruthlessness savagery". You either need a comma between ruthlessness and savagery, or "ruthless savagery".
"soundness of sleep"
It works, it makes sense, it's fine. It read a little oddly to me though, just because you've been describing the crazy violence that would cause one to cherish a sound sleep, but not have it. Normally you might have it, but would you cherish it? it feels like it's less about cherishing, than being able to cherish and enjoy it. That is, that soundness of sleep is possible, rather than merely valuable.
"The grass was much greener"
This is potentially overused, and made more noticeable in the fact that the rest of your work seems pretty original and non-derivative.
"earth...."
I hate ellipses. I used to like them, then tolerate them, but now I hate them. The pregnant pause is better illustrated with an abrupt fullstop, in my opinion.
"Now that I am aware of reality."
The word "reality" jumps out at me as somewhat clinical in a piece otherwise pitched in a fairly surreal voice. Something like "truth" would work well, or if you could tie it back to remembrance it would have a nice circular feel, which would round out the piece nicely.
Just my amateur thoughts,
Rubric.
Hey, hey, hey! Ariana! 'tis my time to give a review for your lovely work, If I Could Remember! Good thing I remembered this!
Using 'to her body' is a bit too real. The start of the piece is very serene, a memory that seemed to be tampered with some fantasy, but the continuing with the line, it became a bit static. Try something that can bend the reality that lines the piece.
I think these lines are a bit too loose to fit in with the preceding line. What's with the mother? What's with the mother AND humanity and its ruthlessness and savagery? You hafta mind coherence midear.
I think this is best with the preceding stanza. The next line after this starts with 'If I could Remember ' which seems to be the line which you repeat all over the piece. With that, it'd be more practical to start every stanza with it instead of sticking it with some other set of lines. It's nice to see creativity, but let's keep the flow in mind
Another incoherent set of lines. You need to try to relate the first line and the following ones with another line, I think.
This is very beautiful, the imagery I mean. Unfortunately, it's a bit cliche already, you know? Try finding something better and this line will totally ROCK!
First, why the underscore? Second, be clear with what you pertain with 'it'. Are those the memories (if so, then it should be 'are')? Or is it something else?
Well, that's all for now! Hope I helped
Your pal,
Al