The children run,
The children hide
They dread what horrors
Might be at their side
They tread through deserted alleys
And cling to dark walls
Where the light tries to shine in
But staggers and falls
Each pathway they see
Leads to a different sections of hell
It's where the deepest nightmares lie
And few live to tell
They hope for some kind of
Light to shine through
Long enough for them to see it
And for their hopes to become new
Until then, they stand alone
Fleeing from the gates of hell
Where all hope dies
And few live to tell.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hello CapitalMonday here for a review. I would like to begin saying how I love the end rhymes in this poem, which add a type of tone to it. Most poems that have a type of tone like this one, are the one I love very deeply.
There are few nitpicks in this poem (few):
Long enough for them to see it This seems a little to wordy for me since we already know -it would be the sun and take out -for them. Sorta like this Long enough to see which could make more sense (that's just me.)
It's where the deepest nightmares lie I think you should change -lie, to -lay since you want it to be in past tense.
Where light tries to shine in add -unsuccessfully to the beginning of -tries to.
All and all, this poem does have it's good spots. Like i said at the beginning, of this review that the end rhymes make everything flow smoothly and neatly. I did enjoy how you made a conflict within the whole poem itself to show that only a few people can tell the tale of Hell, only a few can.
Farewell and keep writing,
CapitalMonday
Hello, rhia here as promised to review!
This is very bleak, and you did a very good job to paint a bleak, depressing image in the mind of the reader, so good job there.
Your diction was pretty simplistic, which some readers like, some don't. I personally think you could spruce it up with some more interesting words, but that's just me.
Your rhthym flowed well, however, your lack of punctuation made it so that the reader had no place to stop. Remember that, in poetry, punctuation notifies the reader that they are supposed to pause. Those pauses can be used to your advantage.
I thought the rest was good, keep writing!
I love this. To me, it flowed pretty well. A few places are rough, but to me it seems like nothing too much to worry about. It was very dark, but I loved it. I love how you used innocent children , but used a setting like Hell. It added darkness to the poem. Kind of like how horror movies usually have children in them being affected.
Good work and keep being awesome!
Kendastic
Hello!
Dark, bleak, low and dreary, this is. And not a little sad. A few nit-picks:
I'm sure you meant either 'a different section' or 'different sections'.
Consider substituting 'staggers' for something more along the motions of light, such as 'flickers'. It may just be a personal thing for me but it felt a little jarring.
This was my favorite group of lines. Since 'light' has already tried and failed to 'shine' before, perhaps it could find another way of making its presence known without being repetitive?
Just a suggestion.
But I enjoyed reading this.
Thank you!