Silence is Betrayal

Wow, this is amazing! I love it. You've created such a meaningful poem. It's very heart-touching, and I truly am speechless!

Hi there! Really good poem here!
The rhyming and flow was really nice and I liked it!
-De12

Hey, ariana. Loving the easy rhyme and rhythm you have going. I'm always pleased to see when that's pulled off well. BUT!

But and this is a big but.
All three stanzas and all twelve lines say basically the exact same thing: My life was bad.
I'm not saying I don't care or that it doesn't matter than this speaker's life was bad, but I get the point after the first stanza, and thus don't really care about the second or third stanzas.

There is one thing I'm interested in. In the second to last line, the speaker says that there were some people who could let his/her voice be heard, but the rest of the world was bad. I want to know about this spot of support in the bad world. Who listened? Who helped? Who just gave this speaker space?

I'd like, in fact, to see a scene come out during this poem. A scene would lend reality to the situation, and physicality to the character. Imagery would help us believe this situation instead of reading it as "just another person with a bad childhood", which is jaded and terrible, but what can your readers do when everyone and everyone writes about bad times? We need something special and something different so that we think in a new way about these tragedies. Otherwise, we're just skating down the same path again and again, and it gets boring.

I like, too, where you say the hollowness had weight. I think that would be an interesting image to highlight and further explore. The sharpness of the knife object you choose to express the hollowness was also effective.

So yep! PM me if you have any other things you'd like a review on, or if you have any questions or comments.

Good luck and keep writing!

Hey, so this is my review
I like the theme and the rawness of the material that your brought into the poem. The pain is evident and that's the point. I like that the topic of the poem is different from the typical love poem and whatnot. The anguish your portray seems almost personal and it's touching and it's a good poem.
However, and please don't hate me for the criticism, you might consider checking the syllables per line to give it more of a tempo...

Wow, nice poetry.
Your rhyming is excellent. I also liked how you used figurative language.

However, there is one line that puzzles me.

"When I was alone, I swallowed my fears
And without someone to love me, I wiped away own my tears"

I wiped away own my tears? I think you mean,

"When I was alone, I swallowed my fears
And without someone to love me, I wiped away my own tears"


All in all, I think you have a knack for poetry.

Keep writing!

Hey ^_^

I must say that this poem is indeed rather touching. I don't imagine this deals with a mere orphan, since the suffering described seems too great, which was my initial interpretation. I have previously heard that evil is when good men do/say nothing, but never before have I seen it from the perspective of the victim, which is a really interesting change.

I should note that the... Meter? Seems strange to me. I have no formal knowledge of the concept, but some parts sound a little forced. This is most noticeable in the lines " They'd say every child deserved tender love and care, But all I knew was merely the opposite, and that was despair." BasicAlly the second line seems too long. Overall, however, this doesn't pose much of a problem, and is generally unintrusive.
Also, in the final paragraph you wrote "I'd wondered", and I'm unsure, but I'm not certain the "'d" should be there. Another possible error is in the line " I wiped away own my tears", since I'm not sure of the purpose of the word "own".

Anyway, overall the poem is rather good, and interestingly clear despite remaining vague as many poems. It certainly would make people think more about doing nothing, and I myself haven't thought of it much before.

So, good luck writing more awesome poetry

Thank yoy to all who commented.

This poem is really touching!

I feel like the way you've written it, how anyone can relate to it, at one time or another in their life.

As another reviewer mentioned, I feel the rhyming was slightly forced. One poem that I just finished reviewing is "A Short Poem," by ArtStyx, and I noticed that her rhyming was very flowing and natural. Maybe you could take a look at it, (A Short Poem) because I feel that if you changed a few of the words, it would flow more. And, also remember, this is just my opinion.

I love your poem, so I think it's great as-is, so you don't have to change a thing, or even listen to what I'm saying; it's your writing, so it's about what you want to do. Other reviewers simply brought that detail to my attention.

Also, I think the similes were nicely placed, they sounded very clean and flowing.

Overall, I love this piece. It realistically displays a person's true feelings without sounding fabricated.

Keep up the great writing!

With Love,
Paige

This is a very good poem. I really liked it very much. A few sentences I think have too many syllables which makes it a little bit of a mouthful compared to the first lines ect.
For example
"The spoils of rejection and reality of life without a home"

This line feels like there is too much compared to the previous lines and it doesn't flow as well. Maybe take out a word of syllable.

"But all I knew was merely the opposite, and that was despair."
same with this line, I would just take out the word "merely" and it would fit well.

I liked the Rhymes of care and despair. I think your descriptive writing in the two lines I mentioned before are really well done, its just the having an extra word breaks them up a bit. Otherwise they are very amazing poetical lines.

Good job.

Nice job, a really good poem. I really enjoyed reading it, and your similes were nigh impeccable. If you tweaked the flow a little bit, nothing would be better. But why is this child alone? Were they abandoned, parents killed...? I suppose it doesn't really matter, but to resolve it in my own eyes

Hi! I love the poem actually the rhyme i find was a bit forced but it contributed to a nice poem. One out of two things,firstly i realized there were some places were there were no full stops .Remember punctuation makes a difference! Secondly i don't really think the title suited the poem because the title was what caught my eyes and i think it didn't match the words of the poem.Oh and another thing i know it maybe an original but it sounds like I've read it before try to stay away from cliche's.Overall nice poem.Keep writing!