Hear me all ye who can
Of one, a lady downstairs
By her words moons pass
By my eyes I saw the sun set in hers
I tell ye, the day's eye she is!
Love itself she is my dears!
Eternally sought momentary bliss
One too tempting a promise
'Slaver of hearts though she knows not
Helpless, mine I yield tonight
Mark me, by my very soul,
by all I own; no measure spared,
by all holy and dear I swear
If it kills me, pursue her love I will
To the ends, then beyond.
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hi Anarki,
Delirium Nervosa here to review your poem.
I really enjoyed reading your work! Outlander is one of my families favourite shows and I loved how you used the essence of it as inspiration! The personal touch you put into this piece is to be commended! I can tell this is a very meaningful piece and you were expressing your true feelings when putting it together! Overall I thoroughly enjoyed reading your work!
I look forward to reading more of your work in the future!
Delirium Nervosa
Hello DeliriumNervosa,
Thanks for the review, I'm glad you enjoyed reading it. You'll definitely see more of my work.
Hi there! Haraya here with a review.
First of all, if I'm not mistaken, you used a Victorian style for the language of your poem? It sounds very Shakespearean. I'm guessing this is to highlight the romantic theme of your poem.
I noticed you used a dimension of space in your poem. "Of one, a lady downstairs" implies that the speaker is speaking somewhere above the lady. However, this was not clarified in the poem. I was wondering if the speaker was upstairs in a tavern since there were other men to whom he was talking to, but I know it could have equally likely been someplace else. This made me think that the setting was unclear.
There were vague lines in your poems.
"By her words moons pass"
I don't understand this. It is very difficult to imagine. It took me a while but what I make of this is you get lost in her words. I'm not sure if this is correct.
Similarly, I would like to point out this line:
"Eternally sought momentary bliss"
While it is understandable and it may sound romantic, it's not quite vivid. It was a string of abstact words: "eternity," "moment," and "bliss." I suggest to instead use concrete descriptive imagery. It enhances your message and makes the reader feel your emotions, not just know them. "Show don't tell," as many writers always say.
Overall, I'm not sure if this is a certain style associated with your choice of language. If that is so, then I don't think my review might not be as helpful as I think. Nonetheless, the romance of the poem was obvious and I commend that. Best of luck to you in your future works!
Hello Haraya,
Thanks for the review. I do agree the setting is unclear. As the writer, it was easy for me to think that it is clear when in fact I haven't clarified it in the poem at all. I'll definitely work on that in my future poems.
"By her words moons pass" - The thought that inspired this line was that a considerable amount of time has passed yet she still tells me to wait. In the initial style I had the line would have been "How many moons will pass...." but then I changed it from addressing the girl to addressing a fictional crowd about the girl.
"Eternally sought momentary bliss" - The meaning I had in mind was that it (love) is the happiness many seek throughout their lifetime that often doesn't last long.
I do agree I have fallen short on the imagery. I'll work on that in my future works. "Show don't tell, " that's an interesting line. I'll work on achieving that. Thanks for the review!