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Don't dismiss me

by anarki

Don't dismiss me as one who can't relate,
For I once lost one to a horned rival.
My eyes only saw but one glorious angel;
Hers' though longed for another lover.
One morn ventured I 'to the untamed wild.
Armed with none but rage and a tiny blade,
I by myself put down a wounded boar!
The Laird game the tusks as reward
Which I fashioned into pearly bracelets
Gave them to the one I loved as a gift
On the day of her wedding to her man
Then I cussed and swore not to love again

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452 Reviews

Points: 15105
Reviews: 452

Sat Mar 21, 2020 1:09 am
Ventomology wrote a review...

Hey there! What a fun delve into iambic pentameter you've got going here.

1. So I know iambic pentameter doesn't have to rhyme (half of Shakespeare's stuff doesn't), but it does generally keep to a rhythm. I'd give this another read through, just to see if you can change around your sentence structures to fit, and to make sure that you're getting the syllables how you want them.

2. Content-wise...

One thing you see in a lot of sonnets (I know this isn't one, but it's in iambic pentameter and I'm on that Shakespeare groove right now) is a clear tonal/message change in the last two lines, and I really appreciate that you have something of that nature here!

What's nice too is that you've foreshadowed that change. You start with a clear framing of the story, which leads into the more epic-style middle bit, and then finish with that nice turn-about, which brings us right back to the beginning. It's structurally very appealing.

3. I think you could probably do more with poetic devices, especially of the comparative sort. Naturally details of what things look like aren't that important in this kind of narrative poem, but I think it would strengthen the poem to get a little more depth in the narrator's feelings, and you could do that by comparing them to something. (This might also round you out to 14, which is the sonnet line number... if you were interested in going that route)

Overall though, it's a very good poem! I personally think that structure makes or breaks a poem, and you have an excellent framework already in place. A few line edits could make this piece really soar.

Hope this helps!


anarki says...

Thank you Vento,
I haven't ever written a sonnet before but I will read more on them then tune this poem to be one. Thank you once more. Have a good day/night! :-)

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25 Reviews

Points: 0
Reviews: 25

Thu Mar 05, 2020 4:51 am
Knight731 wrote a review...

Hello! First of all, wow. I really enjoyed this poem because in a few short lines, you described what has happened to a lot of us, even the best of us: having someone we love being taken away from us.

The last three lines I feel are the most emotional in the fact that it shows the two sides of a person when they are sad about losing someone.

"Gave them to the one I loved as a gift, On the day of her wedding to her man" These two lines shows the side of the human mind that wants to be loving and happy for them as they move on and live a happy life. You want to be supportive even though it hurts you everyday to look at them.

"Then I cussed and swore not to love again" This shows the side of the human mind that is torn and damaged by losing this person you cared about, the side that wants to be shut away so that they may never have to experience that pain ever again.

All around I think you did a very good job on this poem, it was very well written and I loved the short and to the point-ness of it.

Keep up the good work and keep writing from the heart.

anarki says...

Thanks for the review @Knight731! I'm really glad you enjoyed the poem. I will definitely keep on writing. :)

The roots of education are bitter, but the fruit is sweet.
— Aristotle