I do not want to remember you
Because it brings me pain
I do not want to forget you
Because you are special in my heart and brain.
I do not want to talk to you
Ever again
It will bring back memories of you
I will get tempted and then
Try again to impress you
No. That should not happen.
I should not look for love from you
As it is already taken.
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139,030 Literary Works • 672,398 Reviews
How do I write words to express the feeling of someone reaching inside of my body to squeeze every feeling that I've been feeling recently? Ah, who can know?
But that is besides the point. Wonderful work! Truly connected with me.
~Ayma~
Hey, shiney here to review!
First Impressions
After reading the whole poem the first time, I felt you were trying to say a lot but ended up not saying enough. The main message of the poem was clear, though, so kudos on that front! The poem did feel choppy in a few areas and some rhymes felt forced.
Nitpicks
The poem starts off well, but then the wonderful flow crashed with the fourth line. The number of syllables in this line is abnormally long compared to the first three, so it throws the reader off a bit. Couple that with the forced-feeling rhyme of "brain" at the end, and the line pretty much falls flat despite the poem's promising opening.
Line 10 suffers from forced rhyming as well, and when I read the poem over and over, it doesn't seem to fit at all, actually. The sentence feels pretty pedestrian and out of place in this poem. I would definitely try to remove or at least rework that area.
Those are the main issues that stuck out to me. Poems could always use some tweaking.
So in all, this is a pretty decent poem that would definitely benefit from some clean-up.
~shiney
Thanks for reading it through. I will look for ways to tweak it. As they say, a iron sharpens iron. Any suggestions on how to tweak line 10?
Thanks for reading it through. I will look for ways to tweak it. As they say, a iron sharpens iron. Any suggestions on how to tweak line 10?
Hey there anarki. It's just Lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
The rhyme continues to shift throughout the poem, going strong for a short while before dropping to okay. And then completely going down to rhyming but a lame rhyme. Repeating the phrase of "I do not want..." started out strong but like everything else died off quickly. The ending of "you" was particularly painful to me, when the rest of the poem was traced with loose rhymes, these just sort of lagged behind. You want to avoid lag in any an all forms as they are the true killers of good ideas.
This conflict brings us into flow, which was here and there if I'm being perfectly honest. A mixture of line lengths is always necessary but in this case, I think the short stop of "ever again", caused more harm than good. And this is something to be really careful about in the future, your style cutting into the ability of a poem to flow together nicely. I like to use the cake anology, where each of the lines are ingredients and if you don't get the write amounts of each one, the cake doesn't come out right.
On your title, drop the caps. All caps are against the rules on YWS, since universally across the web they are viewed as screaming. Besides the point of the rules, the caps don't do anything for emphasis or making the message stick out, they're just sort of floating there amid a sea of letters. You did link in the "I do not want..." throughout the poem which was pretty nice but still not deserving of all caps.
The content besides the quality, was spotty for me, dashing from a loose point of view and then back to the strong. In a similar manner as the before mentioned rhyme scheme. And I can attribute some of the content state to the rhyme, where you had to make certain words work. Some of them worked better than others so you might want to play around with trigger words for the meanings some.
The bottom line is some experimenting is in order for this poem.
Good day and good luck.
Lizzy
Thanks Lizzy.There are some poems I write without caring about grammartical rules (which is wrong) and rules which my English and literature teachers taught(which is wrong too).
English is not my first language so maybe I might have used some words or statements wrongly .
Spoiler
Q.Why and when do I do this?
A. When my soul feels downcast , I write a poem to describe how I feel about it.
When I start writing a poem, I always want my heart to be on that paper. Halfway down the poem, I get bored and 'abandon' the poem. Later on when I read the unfinished poem, I decide to 'finish' the poem, to care less about putting my heart onto the paper and to care more about its poetic side. Enough of that though.
I really appreciate you for writing that review. It will help me to write better poems in the future. First things first, I promise not to break the YWS rule on all caps. I realise I overused the word 'you'. I will look for ways to correct that. I will also try to do something about the short stop and all the other suggestions. Once again thank you for your review.
Good day too.
Spoiler
Thanks Lizzy.There are some poems I write without caring about grammartical rules (which is wrong) and rules which my English and literature teachers taught(which is wrong too).
English is not my first language so maybe I might have used some words or statements wrongly .
Spoiler
Q.Why and when do I do this?
A. When my soul feels downcast , I write a poem to describe how I feel about it.
When I start writing a poem, I always want my heart to be on that paper. Halfway down the poem, I get bored and 'abandon' the poem. Later on when I read the unfinished poem, I decide to 'finish' the poem, to care less about putting my heart onto the paper and to care more about its poetic side. Enough of that though.
I really appreciate you for writing that review. It will help me to write better poems in the future. First things first, I promise not to break the YWS rule on all caps. I realise I overused the word 'you'. I will look for ways to correct that. I will also try to do something about the short stop and all the other suggestions. Once again thank you for your review.
Good day too.
Spoiler