Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Realistic

E - Everyone

if only you weren't so afraid to fly

by alliyah



Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
25 Reviews


Points: 73
Reviews: 25

Donate
Tue Jul 23, 2019 11:45 pm
View Likes
LJF wrote a review...



WHAT EVEN?!?! Why are all your poems so amazing?!?! I am in awe of your absolute brilliance.

But seriously, this is soooooooo good. I love how you manipulate that flying metaphor, using it to illustrate concepts of dreams, beauty, lonliness, intimacy--- and estrangement. The sterilness and monotony that something once thought of as but a dream has been reduced to.

This poem is written with a sort of soft grace I can't even describe, and I really like it. Thank you for sharing this with us.




silvermoon17 says...


True ^^



alliyah says...


This is very sweet! I forgot to say thank you for your comment. <3 All the best, glad you enjoyed!



User avatar
81 Reviews


Points: 9227
Reviews: 81

Donate
Tue Jun 11, 2019 9:04 am
View Likes
Liminality wrote a review...



Hi, alliyah. Loved how you structured this poem, with each stanza reflecting a new aspect, beginning with the dreams, the reality and ending with a personal message. I enjoy how apt you are with metaphors, particularly about clouds being "foothills" (a word I did have to Google, haha), and I'm sure there's a similarly stunning meaning behind the "breaths" that I'm still pondering over right now. Are the breaths meant to represent the dreams we talk about? Or are the clouds meant to be foothills for aspirations and the breaths?

99.9% of the images in the poem fit in so nicely with the theme; my favourites are "for strangers to pat down and dissect" and "drunk on dreams". Relatedly, I think you could squeeze in the "belts and shoes" into the symbolic representation of dreams as well, maybe with "Stuffing our cloud-coated/ cloud-touched shoes . . . " or something of the sort. Also, maybe the 'One day,' in the line about love might not be necessary? I find the whole second stanza has this quick, punchy rhythm about it, reflective of being struck by reality, except this one line.

Finally, my favourite stanza has got to be the third one. It wraps everything up terrifically with the analogy about people and planes.

Hope you find this helpful, and keep writing! :D




alliyah says...


Thanks so much!



User avatar
562 Reviews


Points: 14535
Reviews: 562

Donate
Thu Jun 06, 2019 1:41 pm
View Likes
FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hello Al! I'm here to tell you what I think of your poem on this lovely night, and to help get it out the green room.

Okay let's begin.

So when I saw the name to this poem, I thought it was something totally different. And I no just how you feel here because I have gone on holiday many times. And I have moved over seas many times.
So I to don't like to fly. And this poem is just what I have been meaning to write, but looks like you beat me to it. XD
And everything you have said here is just what I think of an airport. And the fact that it's so busy doesn't help.
I just love how you put everything together, it was very well written, and I couldn't have done a better job. I thought your punctuation was spot on. It was clever how you rimed some of the words and it all still made seance. Your a really good poet.

So do make some more poems like this, because this was a great joy to read and review. I hope you will keep writing and post again on YWS! I will be waiting for the next work. Have a great day or night.

Your friend
FlamingPhoenix.
Reviewing with a fiery passion! :D




User avatar
5 Reviews


Points: 825
Reviews: 5

Donate
Wed Jun 05, 2019 3:24 am
View Likes
winterwolf0100 wrote a review...



This is such an interesting piece. It has a lot of thought-provoking statements, as well as a lot of interesting ideas and takes on things. I especially love the line, "No matter how many helium balloons we inhale, you always seem to breathe out fear and live in hesitations." It is such a beautiful and poetic line, painting a picture in the reader's head while also giving them something to think about. I would love to see you add on about the freedoms of flying without being held down by the airplanes and people around us. It would really add a contrast to the dark atmosphere (no pun intended!) of the poem. Beautiful work, and I love it!




alliyah says...


Thanks so much for your praise & suggestions! So glad you enjoyed it! I've spent a lot of time at airports so have a lot of feelings towards them XD




If you steal property, you must report its fair market value...
— John Oliver