Hey there alli, Clary here to finally review this for you!
I have to start by saying that I really admire your work, and if I was to see this piece in an anthology then I would most definitely be drawn in to read it. I love unconventional poetry structure, and abstract poetry is just wonderful. In fact, you’ve motivated me to have a crack at it myself.
I think it’s quite clear that you’re talking about dehydration, but that this is a metaphor for some form of loss – likely love? I’m picking this up from some of the parts you use the scratchy font for – “shriveled heart”, “you can’t hold onto me”, and “I didn’t need you anyways”.
I really like the disorganisation you can sense from the narrators perspective through this. You start the poem with the fact of what dehydration is, but then to the right we’ve got this little part all on its own – “the body /is just skin /and bone /and mind /and soul /and pieces /of shriveled heart” – it’s like the narrator has gone on a tangent in their own mind. It moves with the thoughts of dehydration making people delirious and I like how it’s offset to the rest. I can imagine this sounding amazing as spoken word poetry?I’m sorry but you’re going to have to listen to a lot of praise before I get to the parts I think you can improve on
So this line – “becomes little more than ashes” is wonderful because you have another one of these bits where the author is going on a little tangent with “becomes little more than ashes / to ashes, dust to dust” but then you have some wonderful imagery with “becomes little more than ashes / when you don’t attend to the flame” – that truly has to be one of the best lines I’ve ever read. I love it.
I do really like how you’re integrating the two columns of this at seemingly random intervals. It could come across as messy, but with the ongoing theme for dehydration I think it works really well. Like in the middle – “dehydration is easier when you’re in denial / or at least that’s what I hope / or hoped; it’s hard to think in past-tense now”. But that last part about past-tense also flows with “but why did I ever think you loved me? / it’s hard to think in past-tense now” so again, this is clever and I am impressed.
I like the connotation between “the roots / you can’t hold onto me” – especially with the desert theme.
So I’ve rambled enough about the things I really liked, there is more but I’d probably just end up quoting 90% of the poem if I went through each and every one… so let’s move on to the few things I think you could improve on a little!
“and pain is a cocktail mixed with love, regret, regret,” I think if you’re going to use “cocktail” you do not need to use “mixed” as well. Maybe “and pain is a cocktail of love, regret…” I also don’t think the second “regret” adds much here, maybe use another word? I like the sound of “remorse”…
“I didn’t need you anyways” is kind of an abrupt ending and seems almost too simple a way to end the poem from everything else you’ve said. It isn’t bad, but I do think you could replace it with something better and more punching.
So, overall thoughts? I think you’re an amazing poet and I really enjoyed reading this. I can find very few faults and I wouldn’t change much about it at all. Maybe two more drafts and I wouldn’t be surprised if I actually did come across this one in an anthology one day.
Happy YWSing,
Clary
Points: 818
Reviews: 95
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