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Valentine's Day Love Poem (Help me make it better!)

by ZeldaIsSheik


I am making this poem for class and I must use 5 math terms. I am not satisfied with it, and I think I could use some advice.

May you bless my sight with your presence,

That my heart may open like a parabola

And the whole world happens now,

My smile increasing quadratically.

Your words are like a matrix,

Containing everything and nothing

A hyperbolic function, where you are the source,

And I am the infinite values that you can create.

This is the undying affection from the heart,

Its words are are the midpoint, and we

Are the angles that it bisects.

We believe in our heart

We love our heart

We forget

We are

Love


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Sun Feb 24, 2019 6:11 pm
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OofOof1 wrote a review...



First of all I am loving the shape of this poem. It looks like those things that determine how loud or quiet your music is. Second of all, I think he was trying to tell the reader that this was an assignment you had to do in class, so I'm the first sentence above the poem maybe you should make that in bolded words, or maybe make those words colorful.

Though that's how the feedback I can be giving you for now, because your poem is so beautifully written.

There is a word that used to describe those kinds of poems...

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious..
It means super super amazing and awesome, great job.




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Mon Feb 11, 2019 5:43 pm
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alliyah wrote a review...



I think the end is quite a bit generic and cliche. "we believe in our heart we love our heart" just doesn't say much to me.

However I do like that you're taking the perspective of like math imagery into a poetic explanation of love - that's fascinating! Especially the idea of a parabola - that alone is an interesting image to settle on. I would love to see this poem arranged more mathematically - maybe in a heart or a parabola even - just to sell the math theme a bit more. Since the strength is definitely the unique math parts - I would try to start and end on those - and put any generic commentary in the middle.

You'll find for love poems, almost everything "vague" has already been said, so much so that the generic terms to express love, no longer express anything at all - the best way to defeat the "cliche love poem" issue though is to be specific in your imagery, conflict, and voice that you express - you can check out this article on specificity from the Knowledge Base for more information on how to use specificity in writing. But really adding those personal elements helps the poem connect to the reader and realize that the poem isn't about the vague "idea of love" but about a specific emotion and scenario.

Good luck in your writing! Let me know if you had any questions about my review, I'd be happy to answer them.

alliyah




ZeldaIsSheik says...


Thanks for your advice! I can tell you have a lot of experience with this!



ZeldaIsSheik says...


Thanks for your advice! I can tell you have a lot of experience with this!



ZeldaIsSheik says...


Thanks for your advice! I can tell you have a lot of experience with this!



alliyah says...


You're welcome! Romantic and Heart-break poems are probably my favorite to write! :)



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Sat Feb 09, 2019 3:07 am
Liberty500 says...



This is pretty good! <3
Happy early valentines day!




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Fri Feb 08, 2019 6:17 pm
salmintea wrote a review...



Dear ZeldaIsSheik,

I don't know why you are unhappy with it, I think it sounds amazing! I love the line:

That my heart may open like a parabola
because it has such a nice picture of the blooming or blossoming of one's heart, and I honestly love that.

The line
containing everything and nothing
is awesome! I love that it shows how the character feels about the recipient, like they could say something so simple or maybe nothing at all and yet it means everything to her/him.

Honestly, I love this poem. I don't have any advice on how to fix it... which I know is what you want, but it sounds amazing as is!

- B




ZeldaIsSheik says...


Wow, thanks! I just thought it read uncomfortably. Perhaps it is only me.




"And the rest is rust and stardust."
— Vladimir Nabokov