Okay I'm a sucker for anything military, because I'm in a military family and it's going to be me someday to! Okay I really like it but I have two problems with it some of your rhymes are forced and your wording is off in some places. Anything I suggest is just to do with the rhythm of the stanzas to make them flow.
His family prays for his return,
This man who beholds no fear,
His brother standing at his side,
Each of his memories seen clear.
"This man who holds no fear,
Each of his memories are finally clear
His path too narrow, too treacherous
However, he walks not alone;
This soldier who seems a lone boy,
Is truly a brave man grown?
"However he does not walk alone;
This soldier who seemed a lone boy
Is a brave man truly grown."
The last line as a question I think should be a statement.
At night he tries to close his eyes,
He promised he would return,
His brother holds his hand so tight,
A tender gesture, filled with concern.
Try, "he promised his return
"
tender gesture filled with concern.His
I'd take the comma out of the last line to allow it to be read with no pause in it.
To become a hero he longs,
A tale being told of pride and glory,
Children listen of rapt attention,
Yearning to hear this soldier%u2019s story.
Eh I'm not quite sure how to help here, it's all really jumbled, too many words.. read it out loud and see what you can do with it.
Following comrades%u2019 pain filled cries.
Maybe, " Following his comrades' pain filled cries.
A glance behind him sees the foe,
He utters but a gurgled breath,
The enemy but smiles despite,
He has just brought a boy to death.
This is my least favorite stanza. I understand your show the soldier died but it seems like he barely got the chance and that he died in vain. Maybe remake this stanza and allow him to die fighting and show it from his point of view and what he's thinking. I also am not a fan of you switching to the enemies view, stick with the soldiers view.
His family haloed in wavering light,
You could try "His family watched in haloed light,"
%u201COn remembrance day we%u2019ll be haloed,
Our country will hail each a name,
Their freedom they have been granted,
A childhood dream; heroes we became.%u201D
Last stanza is the best and my favorite good work!
I also really like how you rhymed but didn't rhyme in all the stanza's it all worked and blended well. A lot of time people will say to rhyme if your going to rhyme and do it all the way through and I would rather leave it to the author, so good work with that.
Points: 1132
Reviews: 18
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