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139,529 Literary Works • 672,599 Reviews
Hey there!
You certainly have written a character sketch, if you will, of winter. You have some strong, evocative images which work perfectly to your theme.
However, you also don’t have any actual content in this poem. Normally I’m not one for content over aesthetics, I rather like looking at a poem just for the language, but here I’m missing any kind of emotional connection to your poem. If you’re experimenting with lists, you’ve got this down, truly. If you’re not experimenting with lists, then you need to add something more substantial to your poem before we can look at it and think of it as a poem. Your lines don’t connect in any way other than being on the same topic, and below one another. I want to see some kind of narrative here, some kind of form beyond the tired column.
I would suggest asking why you want to use these particular descriptions for winter and what they bring up for you. Personally, winter has nothing to do with snow for me, I have no memories of a winter in snow, or even being that cold. So your poem isn’t touching me, and it’s making no effort to. You’re telling me what winter looks like. What does it smell like? Or feel like? Can you say that winter is a sled skimming black ice, drifting against the wind and slamming into an apple tree still pregnant with snow? Give me something that I can really sink my teeth in to and this will be more than an experiment, it will be a poem. In addition, adding some punctuation would probably connect your lines in a more linear fashion which would aid with reading it as a long “story” rather than list.
If you do add to this, please tell me, I’d like to see what you do. Any questions or queries, hit me up.
- Penguin.
Hello, Stone! I must say, your poem was really good. I loved the imagery. I could totally imagine a cold, snowy winter's day. It was amazing! But, like you said, I think you could just add punctuation. Just so your reader knows how the poem flows and knows where to pause. Other than that, good job! I can't really say what my favourite part was because I loved the full poem! The way you began and the way you ended just left me speechless. Technically, your whole poem left me speechless. xD So, yeah, great poem!
~HPR loved it~