Okay. Conflicted feelings here. Love what you're trying to do but the execution leaves a few things to be desired.
Just to get it out of the way, there's a typo in line 3: "... the air we breath" where it should be 'breathe.' But this seems well-edited.
I love the vocab, naturally, and you do a good job of keeping it consistently at a high level. There's never really a moment where the words are suddenly far simpler than the rest and make said bits seem artificial. So good work in that regard.
You may have been best leaving off the definition of 'cantankerous.' This is a writing site - people will likely know such relatively plain words, and putting the disclaimer at the bottom might unintentionally slight them or feel like showing-off. Not a given, however, and may just be me.
My biggest issue here is punctuation. The poem feels over-punctuated, and very, very slow; this not only kills flow - it also makes it harder for the reader to keep up with phrase progression. For example,
Divulge within the sudden rays,
but long lasting they never are; surely divergent.
Here the audience is hard-put to figure out how each phrase relates to the previous, and whether it is intended to have meaning at all. Granted, you get a slight pass with the ethereal and at least somewhat incomprehensible nature of your subject.
But perhaps drop some of your punctuation (in particular you seem to have an excess of semicolons) for line breaks! Enjambment gives just as much pause as proper punctuation, and shorter, split lines carrying an ostensibly single message across can be very powerful! Just the ability to add in double meaning via multiple interpretation (two lines as one phrase and as two) is a very powerful tool.
I do think you have a good thing here - put some time into editing, and it may even become utterly brilliant. Keep writing! =]
Points: 3528
Reviews: 94
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