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Would It Be So Bad?

by Valkyria


Would it be so bad if you used your turn signal?

I'm right behind you at the stoplight,

hitting the brake last minute

as you turn right.

Would it be so bad if you stayed quiet during class?

Every minute, you make a joke

after joke

after a joke, thinking you're so funny.

You're not funny.

Would it be so bad if you were smart just once?

I'm grasping at the straws here,

but you refuse to see reason.

"I don't want him to catch autism!"

Autism doesn't come from a needle.

Stupidity is contagious.


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Mon Jul 04, 2022 8:40 pm
JohnKlue says...



It is somehow rare for these stories to be told. We have been overlooked by many people.




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Sat Jan 02, 2021 7:04 am
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lliyah wrote a review...



Hey Valkyria! Here I am finally finishing up your Review-Prize from the Checklist challenge prize package! :) Sorry for the delay, thank you for your patience!

So let's take a look at this!

Flow
I actually don't mind that the lines are cut off sort-of mid phrase because as a humor poem this builds up some suspense as we're almost waiting for each punch-line. Breaking up the poem's lines with wildly varied lengths does hurt the poetic-sound-flow of the piece, but I think it's still alright!

I think that the actual message / meaning could use a bit more logical flow though as it's a bit tricky to follow the themes. We jump from someone forgetting a blinker, to being noisy in class, to thinking they're funny, to being confused about autism. And I think as readers we are supposed to understand the subject as the same person throughout but it's a little hard to connect the dots between each of these characteristics of the person who is bothering the speaker.

Maybe to build more continuity you could circle back to the forgetting to use a turn signal at the end, so it all connects together? I'm not sure, but I think building a way for each of these premises to connect would help the logic of the piece a bit. Or even setting up the scene of where the speaker is hearing each of these different annoyances (whether at school, work, etc.)

Message
The intended message seems to be that people should exercise common logic, because when they don't it can cause annoyance and even harm for others. The tone is sort of angry / mocking, and comes across as a bit humorous in how the speaker portrays the unreasonable-ness of the subject. It seems like a piece that is expressing a lot of anger, but more in a mocking than violent or intimidating way.

I think it's a message many people can relate to feeling frustrated by someone in their life who seems to behave illogically.

Suggestions
I think to bring this poem to the next level you might consider using some more poetic devices and going beyond just the frustrations the speaker has with the subject to why they are frustrating. Maybe highlight the illogical nature of the subject with a metaphor or analogy. (ie. they're so illogical it's like they try to sleep in the daylight, or something like that...)

The metaphor of "stupidity" being contagious that you bring up in the last line, is a really good one, and it'd be interesting to explore that concept even more, if not in this poem, it could be an interesting subject for another one.

Overall Impressions
Overall I think the poem sets out what it seeks to do expressing annoyance through a bit of humor. I think you have good usage of repetition to amp up drama in here! And your line breaks highlight that as well!

I'm looking forward to reading more of your poetry in the future!

Image




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Sat Oct 10, 2020 8:11 pm
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Riverlight wrote a review...



Hello there, @Valkyria! It's Knight Vilnius, here to review your work!

Actually, I just learned I started to but never finished XD

Ah, yes, people are stupid. Stupid people... and stupidity is contagious indeed, you're quite right... I like how blunt and honest you are as it really adds to how you feel regarding stupid, ignorant people. I also learned a new phrase-- "grasping at the straws." I had no idea what that meant before I googled it, so thanks for expanding my vocabulary! <3

Have a nice [*insert time of day here*]!!!




Valkyria says...


Thank you!



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Wed Sep 09, 2020 7:33 am
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nehakadre wrote a review...



Hello there!
This poem so aptly describes how frustrating it can be to deal with stupid people. The first four lines hit me really hard. Finally someone put into words how it feels to be around terrible drivers on the road.
One thing I really liked about the poem is how it's straight to the point. It makes a great poem because it's nothing complex. A stupid person could get what you're trying to say, which, I think, was your intention when you're wrote it.

However, I couldn't quite see the meaning of ' I'm grasping at the straws here'. Perhaps you'd like to explain more about what you wanted to say through that line.

Apart from that, I thoroughly enjoyed the poem. It's deeply satisfying to out the stupidity of people in such a short and crisp manner!




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Wed Sep 09, 2020 12:25 am
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Stellarjay wrote a review...



Hello imaginer2018,
This poem is really blunt about stupid people. And that's not a bad thing, it adds to the effectiveness of the poem. The message of the poem was excellent. "would it be so bad if you weren't stupid and ignorant?" People sometimes are just so frustrating, they think they are so right and so amazing that they can't see how their actions effect others.

I'm right behind you at the stoplight,

hitting the brake last minute

You could've been in a serious car crash. The person in front of you obviously likes living on the edge, not realizing that he is leaving a path of destruction in his wake.

thinking you're so funny.

You're not funny.


Aaah, the people that are well meaning but yet so..so ignorant.

Would it be so bad if you were smart just once?


"I don't want him to catch autism!"

Autism doesn't come from a needle.


You are right, some people are just plain stupid.

I enjoyed reading this poem. I wouldn't change anything, the words are there and the message is there. It's unique in it's own way. If you have any questions feel free to ask! Keep on writing and have a great rest of your day!
Stellarjay




Valkyria says...


Thank you!



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Tue Sep 08, 2020 11:48 pm
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Ignorance wrote a review...



Heya! Gem here for a review:

Pros

Okay, I loved this. Finally, someone says it so I don’t have to!

”I don’t want him to catch autism!”

Autism doesn’t come from a needle.

Stupidity is contagious.


I especially loved this part. My sister has autism, and I myself am actually on the spectrum. Thank you, thank you, THANK you for that bit. I love that last line, showing how ideals aren’t automatic from the get-go but instead taught.

Cons

I barely have any cons for this one!

I’m grasping at the straws here,


This bit I find a bit difficult to understand, and this could maybe be the case for other readers. I feel like “I’m grasping at the seams here” might make things a bit easier. Now, this might just be me, so if you think this works better, then my bad!

Overall, this is probably one of my favorite poems I’ve read on here. Maybe it’s just because I cannot STAND the idiots in my life, but I still really enjoyed this. Keep it up!

-✨




Valkyria says...


Thank you! I%u2019m glad this poem touched on a personal level. And thanks for the suggestion. Grasping at straws mean trying to succeed when nothing you do works.

%uD83D%uDE04




The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.
— Marcel Proust