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140,099 Literary Works • 672,998 Reviews
Hi, Valkyria,
Your poem is very enjoyable, taking the common experience of not being able to sleep and putting it to words. When you state, "Turn your mind off... My phone is right there." It shows that the speaker sees their phone as a way to turn their brain. I also enjoyed how the poem had great pacing and tone.
The only real criticism I can find is how for one line it changes from first person. This is not to jarring however and still keeps the poem enjoyable. Over all your poem works very well and is relatable in several ways.
Keep on writing,
Willowbranch
Hello, Valkryia!
This is quite the relatable poem you have here. I love how your stanza length changes to build tension and give the reader some breathing room. Your one-line stanzas are punchy and perfectly placed. The end stanza being the longest makes the most sense and makes it feel like a natural conclusion rather than a sharp cut-off. Your diction also makes this poem a fun read. Words like "jumble" and "pounds" add this sense of rhythm to the actions of your poem, which makes the writing feel much more alive than it would if you used more vanilla words.
Reading through the whole poem, there is only one thing I would touch upon to improve this poem. The first of them is the line "Turn your mind off...." Since the entire poem except for this line is written in first person, a line written in second person without any special formatting to show that it's a thought or a higher command makes it feel out of place.
Overall, this poem was written quite well. The story is cohesive with moments of drama as the speaker loses the war of temptation. It's a battle I'm sure most members on this site have lost before, so it's a good subject matter. Thanks for publishing; I enjoyed reading.
Happy Writing!
Wist