The heart's voice (Chapter 6)

A white circle formed on the floor around Flo. She watched as a white, circular wall rose up around her, reaching the ceiling. To her amazement, none of the sparks were able to penetrate the wall to reach her.

“Out of the way, Dragon! I made you a deal to stay out of my business!”

 

“Dragon?” Flo wondered out loud.

 

“My heart never agreed to that deal… remember? You just talked and left. Now leave before I–” the boy’s voice was saying when the demon cut him off.

 

“What will you do? I’ve already attacked the heart. It’s weakening and soon it will die, along with you of course.” The demon laughed again. This time the laughter was louder than ever.

 

“Not so fast, you sneaky illusionist. Apparently, Melda restored my body due to which the heart is pumping fine now. Nothing’s wrong with it,” the dragon answered, cutting off the demons laughter at once. The white circle grew bigger, enlarging the space inside the circular walls. It made the sparks bounce away and healed the floor and walls of the room where it touched.

 

Flo backed away a few steps when suddenly, she saw a white figure form. He was standing in front of her, back facing her. She frowned at him while Keegan roared in helplessness. “I will have my revenge. Very soon, I will get stronger and kill each one of you, starting with you, Flo!” After that, he left. Flo gulped hard, swallowing her fear when the boy turned. Flo’s eyes widened but she kept her mouth shut this time. She knew that screaming hadn’t gotten her anywhere so far and wasn’t going to in the future either. But she had other ways to indicate she was scared.

 

“Flo… I–” the boy stopped when he noticed that Flo wasn’t breathing, nor was she blinking. She stood frozen like a statue. “Flo, please don’t treat me like a villain. I’m not the bad guy here.”

 

“I’m not falling for that. You tried to kill–” Flo said in a wavering voice when she was cut off.

 

“That wasn’t me. I would never hurt you, Flo. That devil Keegan is the one behind all this. He must have created an illusion just to confuse you. He is the master of illusions after all.” The boy looked at her with pleading eyes and she had to let out a breath she’d been holding. She let her shoulders drop and stared into the boy’s slate blue eyes… an image hit her with force inside her head. ‘This boy’s supposed to have blood red eyes… what’s with those grayish… blue…ish… nah it’s both!’

 

“Your eyes were red!” Flo burst out the same time the dragon boy opened his mouth to say something but stopped.

 

“Pardon?” he frowned.

 

“No, I mean your eyes were red the first time I saw you. You were a-attached with that organ and then there was the explosion and the roof was falling apart–”

 

“Flo.”

 

“What?” Flo asked loudly and almost too suddenly. The boy eyed her and she noticed that she was feeling all jumpy inside like she was fully charged. She was doing it again; just like in her dream. “What is with me?” she asked herself in bewilderment, slapping her head gently.

 

The boy shook his head in amusement and spoke, “I know my eyes were red but since that freaked you out, I changed it to my normal eye color, the one I had when I was a little boy. When demons grow stronger, their eyes start changing to red. And I was really strong for my age. I got ’em early.”

 

Flo still stared at him warily, “Okay, I already know that demons can change eye color… I just thought you weren’t a demon. I thought Keegan called you a dragon?”

 

“Well, I am a dragon demon. And you are at the moment standing on my brain,” the boy grinned. Flo looked down at the different veins running beneath her feet. She hadn’t noticed that in all the panic but now that she paid attention to it… “Eeeww! I can’t believe I’m standing on someone’s brain right now… this is gruesome,” she squeaked.

 

“But you’ve been to all my other organs before and you never freaked out.”

 

“Wait, your organs? I thought they were the dragon’s… and you are a dragon,” the dragon boy nodded, “but when I talked to the heart… the voice was so deep and rough that it always shook the whole place up… but you sound like a normal teen. Why’s that?” Flo said the last two words in an eerie tone.

 

“Because that’s the heart and I’m the brain. We’re two different organs that have different functions. Our voice doesn’t have to match each other’s or even our owner’s.” Flo opened her mouth to say something but the dragon boy already anticipated it and answered her unasked question, “No, Flo. I am not the real deal. I am just an image created by this brain right here. The brain needs to communicate and I’m the source. I look just like Hugo. He’s the dragon demon; the one you saw hanged up with an organ.”

 

Flo opened her mouth again then shut it. Then opened again but made a face and groaned. She was so angry that all her suspicions had gone wrong about the boy. She started feeling guilty inside and due to that guilt, she couldn’t think straight and spoke stupidly, “But if you’re a dragon then where’s your snout and your tail and wings, huh? Explain that!”

 

“You’re still freaking out?”

 

“Yes.” Flo answered in a desperate voice and sat down beside Anne who looked like she wasn’t going to wake up any time sooner. Hugo sat in front of her with a serious face. Jokes were over and this was a grave matter. A demon was on loose and Flo needed as much information about him as possible.

 

“I know my heart sent you here. I’m always aware of what’s going on since I’m the brain. I also know that the heart is expecting me to tell you everything about Keegan but I’m afraid I’m going to have to disappoint you. You see, I don’t know everything about him or how he was sealed or even why. I only know that I’d volunteered to do the sealing since no one else was strong enough, or brave enough as I should say. But this is all I can tell you. The demons here however think differently now because it has been ages since this incident occurred. The story kept changin with time. You know how rumors end up. You already know what has become of the story now."

 

“But why? Why don’t you remember? Do have some sort of memory loss or something?” Flo asked ingenuously.

 

“No, Flo,” Hugo answered softly, “look around you. Were you actually going to believe that this little piece of organ was my whole brain? No. There are other parts of my brains scattered around. Each part knows something different than the other and to gain all the information, you’ll have to talk to all of them.”

 

Flo stood up anxiously biting her nails. It was a wrong habit but she couldn’t help it. “How many parts? Where?” she said through her teeth.

 

“There are four parts in total. You’ve already found one, that’s me. Only three more to go. But, I don’t know where the rest of the brain pieces are located. You’ll have to look for them yourself. The only hint I can give you is the rose petals. The brain pieces will always be near the rose petals that change to blood when touched by anything that’s not white. Find them, and you’ll eventually find the brains.”

 

“That’s not helping!” Flo panicked, pacing back and forth in the small room while still biting her nails. Hugo stepped forward and grabbed her arm. She stopped and looked up at him in astonishment. “I thought you were only an image. You’re not supposed to be able to do that.”

 

“My brain has a lot more power than you’re giving it credit for.” He stepped closer to her and Flo felt her entire body freeze. He placed his free hand on her forehead, barely touching the skin and said, “Relax, now. You’ve got a lot of work to do tomorrow if you want to get Keegan off your tail. But for today, you can rest.” Flo’s eyes closed and her body fell limp suddenly. Hugo laid her down gently and then backed away a few steps before disappearing.

 

 

That night, Dro went back to the class room with a long face. His hair was unkempt by now and dark circles had formed on his tanned skin. All four of his friends where waiting there impatiently in the dark room. They hadn’t attempted to turn on the light just in case if anyone was passing by. All of them knew that they were not supposed to be up so late but their friend was more important to them than the consequences.

 

“Hey, guys. Glore. I got your message. I’m here. It’s funny how easy it was for you to find me telepathically and yet you couldn’t find Flo anywhere,” Dro spoke in a tired voice, still managing a smile

with it. Ambrose breathed out heavily in anger and stomped towards his brother. He grabbed his shoulders and shook him hard.

 

“Forget Flo, we’re all here just because of you. Because you never showed up at dinner time, we were all so worried. And here you are smiling like it was no big deal.” Ambrose shook him harder when Sky pulled him away from Dro.

 

“Let it go, Ambrose. The last thing he needs is you yelling at him. Now get a grip and give him some space,” Sky said, stepping aside to let Dro enter the class room.

 

“Why’d you call me here?” Dro asked while yawning carelessly at the same time.

“You need to eat,” Terra said and made him sit on one of the chairs. She quickly grabbed something from a nearby table.

“What’s that?” he asked, not bothering to look at the thing. Terra ignored his question and grabbed his right arm, pinning it on the table.

“Ow…” Dro said, emotionlessly.

 

“He’s still trying to be funny. He’s not serious about this. Maybe that’s why he couldn’t find his beloved Flo.” Ambrose interrupted. Silence filled the room. Everyone’s gaze diverted toward him. They were all rendered speechless except for Dro who was the only one not looking at his brother. His face hardened and he clenched his fist. Terra reacted quickly and stabbed the needle of an injection syringe into his right arm.

 

“Ouch! What is that?” Dro looked up at her with a pained expression. Terra removed the syringe when it got empty.

“Souls… very strong ones,” Glore was the one to answer this time.

 

“Why those? And where’d you get them?” He seemed intrigued and forgot about what Ambrose had just said. Sky and Terra sighed with relief and then glared at Ambrose. “What?” he mouthed simply. The two looked at each other and went over to Ambrose’s sides. They grabbed his arms and lured him away forcefully out of the room before he could get another word out of his mouth. “We’ll be right back after we send the baby to sleep,” Sky called before leaving.

 

Glore giggled at Ambrose being called a baby. It suited him since he acted like one. Always saying thoughtless things and worrying way too much for his age. “We sneaked into the incubator room where they keep newborn demon babies.” Dro frowned at her.

 

“There’s an incubator room? I mean all I know is that every newborn baby is sent somewhere away from its parents to grow up like we did and study in schools until they graduate. And only after that, they are allowed to meet their parents if they wish to… which I don’t. But I never thought they were kept in incubators. I always pictured the demon chief waving his hands over every baby and then the baby grows up magically; big enough to go to school.”

 

“You really should stay in class once in a while. They teach you stuff that’s important. How’re you going to graduate when you don’t know anything?” Glore answered incredulously.

“I don’t know. Never thought about it.”

 

Glore sighed and dragged a chair from nearby to sit on it. She knew it was going to take a while for things to sink into Dro’s head. “The babies don’t just grow up magically. They are fed really strong souls to grow up healthily. They can’t survive on normal souls yet. Sky and Terra sneaked into the room to get the syringe for you while Ambrose and I stood guard at the door. I could sense that you were very weak and we all knew you hadn’t eaten much today so we thought this would boost up your energy.”

 

Dro sank back in his seat after hearing this. He stretched his arms in front of him and yawned again. “You know, I’m not a baby so normal souls wouldn’t have killed me. I’m pretty sure about that.”

“We know but listen. There’s something you should know. The reason you weren’t able to find Flo in her quarter was because she wasn’t there.”

“What do you mean she wasn’t there?” Dro said suddenly, tilting his head in Glore’s direction.

 

“I don’t exactly know how it happened but when I was tracing Flo telepathically, I found her in the room where the heart is. That’s where I lost her. I mean, suddenly, her signal just disappeared. As if she’d just vanished. I laid all my hopes on you after that but it seems even you failed to located her.” Glore held her head in her hands, not wanting to look at Dro’s face. Surprisingly, he didn’t get mad or clench his fist again.

 

“So did the scientist guys get her? I mean, they were right outside the room. They must’ve gotten her.”

 

“She never left the room. And I’m sure that the scientists never found her because Sky and I went searching for them instead of Flo. We’d thought that they’d found her too but we were wrong. We happened to eavesdrop on teachter Melda and the scientists. They said that she was nowhere to be found. Teacher Melda suspects that the demon must’ve gotten her but…”

 

Glore saw Dro’s face darken; not by color but by expression. He looked scary in the already dark room. Glore put a comforting hand on his, “We’ll find her. Don’t worry.” But he retrieved his hand and stood up, pushing his chair back roughly. He didn’t meet her gaze while turning to walk away, “I’m not worried. Why would I be worried,” he was saying in a low but hard voice. “She’s just a human. She shouldn’t even matter to me.”

 

Dro turned around so fast that it startled Glore. He finally met her eyes, frowning into them. “Read my heart, Glore. Tell me that what Ambrose said wasn’t true. Flo is not beloved to me. She means nothing to me, right?” Glore stared at him sympathetically, afraid that her answer would disturb him further. Already she noticed dark lines forming around his eyes, making him look more like a monster. Glore knew what was going on inside his heart better than anyone. She looked away, tears filling her eyes. What was she to say to him? That he was in love with a human? “You’re right. What Ambrose said was not true,” she whispered, trying very hard to hold back her tears, hoping that Dro wouldn’t see them. He didn’t answer at all first, as if thinking whether to believe her or not. Luckily, he trusted her too much to suspect her.

 

“That’s what I thought,” he said cheerfully and his face went back to normal again. “Now let’s get back to our cabins. I’ve got to tell that baby a thing or two. I’ll make sure that the talk doesn’t end up in a fist fight. I’ll get there before he does.” Dro turned around, taking a step toward the door. “Thanks for talking to me, Glore. I sure needed it. I didn’t know what I was doing going off searching for a human like that.” Then he disappeared, leaving Glore all alone in the dark room. She finally let the tears out and wept silently. She’d never told a single lie in her life. Then again, what she said wasn’t exactly false. What Ambrose had said was that Dro wasn’t able to find Flo because he wasn’t serious. And that definitely wasn’t true so she didn’t lie.

 

“Then why do I feel so awful inside. Like I’m the bad person. I only told him what would soothe his heart for a while. Soon he’ll realize what’s true and what’s not. Until then, I guess I’m on my own searching for Flo…” Glore’s voice faltered at the last sentence and she burst into sobs. Tears wouldn’t stop streaming out of her eyes and she couldn’t help but feel something heavy inside her chest; something sinking down to where her stomach was. The feeling was awful. She felt like her body was filled with some kind of dense liquid instead of bones and organs. And then someone throws a giant rock into it with a lot of force. The rock slowly makes its way towards her stomach where it finds land and stays there, weighing on her.

 

“Do not cry, Glore. You shouldn’t give up so easily. Flo is fine. Look for her tomorrow morning near the heart and she’ll be there. She isn’t there right now, though so there’s no need for you to go out searching for her right now.” The voice was unfamiliar to her and unheard by all ears.

 

Glore looked up slightly, standing up from the chair. Her hands were by her sides, balled to fists and her shoulders were hunched. “You’re talking telepathically… are you a…” she stopped at the last word.

 

“Dragon? Yes, I am. So are you for four years,” the voice completed the word for her, “The dragon blood runs through you, my blood runs through you so therefore, you are now a descendent of one of the strongest dragon demons alive… who is still alive. You possess the same abilities as I do. There are so many that you’re still not aware of yet.”

 

“So how do you know where Flo is?” Glore’s voice was full of anxiousness and was also shaky due to all that crying. She was just glad she didn’t get hiccups. The dragon did not reply this time and she already understood why. She could sense her friends nearby, heading towards the classroom. Glore quickly

wiped away her tears and steadied her breathing, all the while trying to compose her face. But it wasn’t going to work and she knew it. She could feel that her eyes were already slightly swollen and assumed that they’d turned red as well.

 

Terra and Sky burst into the room like they were on some kind of rescue mission. The looks on their faces told that.

 

“Glore! Are you alright? Oh curse that jerk for leaving you here all alone. He knows perfectly well not to leave you anywhere alone,” Terra said, running towards Glore, scanning her face with careful eyes.

 

“No. He doesn’t know why I’m not supposed to be left alone. He doesn’t know that I’m human…” Then Glore remembered what the voice had said. The person didn’t call her human at all. He said that she was a descendant of dragon demons now. ‘Demons…’

 

“I’m demon now…” she murmured.

“What are you whispering about? You were human right?” Sky asked.

“That red liquid I drank was… none other than a dragon’s blood. That’s why I changed. And so now I’m not a human any more…”

“You’re eyes are red. You’ve been crying,” Sky replied instead.

 

“Oh, Glore. Come on, let’s get you back to your cabin too and no more crying. We’ll find Flo,” Terra answered, putting an arm around Glore’s shoulder and guiding her through. “I already know where Flo is…” Glore mumbled again but this time, none of the two understood what she said.

 

“Did you say something?” Sky asked, walking beside her. His red eyes bored into her skeptically. She returned the look and he could see the redness in her eyes again. He looked away, “Did Dro say something to you?”

 

Glore stopped mid-way to stare up at him in surprise. How was he able to guess what might have happened.  She tried reading his heart but somehow she couldn’t focus right now so she sighed in surrender. “Yes… I told him about the injection and then about the two of us eavesdropping on teacher Melda,” Glore began in a low voice and they continued walking, “I told him what we’d heard about Flo being attacked by a demon which is rumored to be on loose. It’s the same demon that attacked the dragon heart. And that’s when Dro’s expression darkened.”

 

Terra and Sky stopped to stare at her. Glore’s face showed that she’d just experienced something horrifying. Her eyes were wide and her face seemed different now. It was probably because they were so used to seeing her smile that they never imagined her without her pleasant smile. “What do you mean… darkened?” Sky dared to ask.

 

Glore took in a breath before answering, “His smile faded and his lips were slightly angled downward. He was looking in front with his brows somewhat creased. And then the eyes… they were the scariest of all. On Earth, there’s a tool for outlining your eyes. It’s called an eye-liner I think. Well that’s what happened to Dro’s eyes as well. They just started getting darker outlines then before. I was so afraid.”

 

Sky and Terra looked at each other with serious expressions, “What did Dro say?” Sky asked, without taking his eyes off his sister. It was as if they were communicating through eyes only,

 

“He asked me whether what Ambrose said was true or not. He wanted to make sure that he wasn’t in love with Flo… a human actually. And I told him that he wasn’t. I couldn’t just tell him the truth. It would’ve upset him further.”

“And that idiot believed you?” Terra asked in bewilderment.

 

“Sure did…” Glore answered sorrowfully. Sky couldn’t help but stare at her face. It was just so innocent looking when she was scared; just like a little child with cute large eyes staring off into space. Terra squeezed Glore’s shoulders, pulling her closer to her, whispering something to calm her down. It didn’t work though, Glore’s anxiety made her shrug and pull away from both of them.

 

“It’s not all going to be okay. Not only did I sense love for Flo in Dro’s heart, I also sensed something brutal, evil, nesting inside of him.” Terra and Sky both exchanged looks again in a confounded manner. Then Sky shook his head in denial.

 

“No, you must’ve sensed something else. Dro may act like he wants to defy the demons by always disobeying orders and running into trouble but that’s not true. I’ve known the twins since I first joined school here and no one might know those two as deep as I do. Ambrose is the good boy but that doesn’t mean he can’t do bad things. He can say thoughtless things to others which hurt them and he won’t even realize it.”

 

“That’s because he’s dense. He’s just a too dense to understand what others feel. It’s not like he doesn’t worry about them.” Glore objected; feeling a twinge of fury inside of her, one she thought never existed. But the situation called for it otherwise Sky and Terra might not understand this. This was serious. Dro was dangerous and that was what they needed to understand.

“He’s not dense, he’s sort of an idiot,” Terra commented. Both Glore and Sky eyed her gravely and she put a finger on her lips to show that she wasn’t going to interrupt again.

 

“Dro may be the kind of person who causes trouble, but he’s got a heart. He cares for us. Don’t you remember the time you got stuck inside a dark pit full of strange noises? Dro was the one brave enough to jump down in there and get you out. Ambrose was too afraid to even look into the dark. You still want to say that Dro is evil?”

 

“He had no choice. He’s the only one besides his brother who can see in the dark.” Sky clenched his teeth to keep himself from shouting at her but Glore didn’t care about that. She wanted to get him to listen, “If you’re such a great friend then I bet you’d have noticed something about his eyes?”

 

“What about them?”

 

“Haven’t you noticed all your life that you’ve spent with him? His eyes are still as brown as they were when you might’ve first met him. Ambrose’s eye color has gotten a lot lighter. It’s coming close to pale red. That’s how it’s easy for everyone to tell them apart. Why do you think Dro’s eyes are still that baby chocolate color?” Sky looked down at his feet. He felt his hands tremble with exasperation, not believing that he was hearing all this from the person he trusted more than his own sister.

“He’s been hiding his true eye color because he doesn’t want people to figure him out.”

 

“That’s enough!” Sky snapped at her, regretting the very instant the words slipped out of his mouth. Glore’s face went pale and she flinched. Staring at him in astonishment. He was already shaking his head, eyes filling with desperation but Glore already understood that he didn’t want to listen to her. She stumbled back a few steps and then turned around to break into a run.

 

“No Glore, wait!” but she wasn’t going to turn around now, no matter what Sky said. Terra looked at her brother in disbelieve. “Don’t stand there, go after her,” Sky said.

 

“Me? I’m not going there alone. You’re coming with me.”

“No. She’s too mad to talk to me. She won’t calm down unless you talk to her alone.”

“I–” Terra was about to say when her eyes fell on the figure standing behind Sky. The person tapped on Sky’s shoulder and he too froze.

 

“Aren’t you two kids supposed to be in bed? What are you doing here?” The rough voice of a guard came out from behind his helmet, echoing once inside the tiny metal space. Sky signaled Terra to think of something quick.

“Books!” she spluttered.

“Yes, books,” Sky agreed, “We left them here but it seems like someone else has taken them by accident.”

 

The guard looked from one guilty face to the other. Then grabbed both their shoulders and shoved them forward, “I don’t care what the reason is. What’s your cabin number? I’ll take you there and I’ll stay right outside of your rooms just in case you try to sneak out… so don’t sneak out again if you know what’s best for you.”

Comments & reviews · 3
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Hi again :)

I just love your story so much. It's such a unique environment that I am always wrapped right into the story whenever I read. The way you have the characters 'trapped' inside this demon being, and have the villian randomly running around the place gives me almost like a haunted house kind of feeling. Because it's pretty much impossible to get out of this place, yet your main character is being hunted by some demonic being. Her only hope is to talk to the dragon and somehow find a way out, or to get rid of this threat!

Anyways, keep brushing up on your dialogue. You've created perfect characters, but the dialogue feels a bit disconnected at times. And there's so much dialogue, too. You might want to double-space it or something to make it easier on the eyes, too.

Also, you put a lot of information into this chapter that I'm not sure if I understood. So Glore's a demon? What exactly were implying about Dro, that he was getting all angry or something about his eyes, I wasn't sure. And I wasn't buying the all-of-a-sudden 'Dro loves Flo' thing. Of course, we feel a bit of that in the previous chapters, but to just come out right now and have everybody act like they're meant to be soulmates just seem a little abrupt. I'd ease into it just a bit more.

Awesome job, can't wait until I can read the next bit :)

User avatar
Noelle
Review
Noelle wrote a review · Sun Sep 02, 2012 6:40 pm

Hi there!

I think it's interesting how each of the different organs work. I like how you explain it all too. You don't just have the demon boy say, "Well you heard the heart earlier and I'm the brain". You really explain it well so I can understand it.

The little bit between Flo and the boy in the beginning is funny. At least, I laughed at it. The part where he keeps asking if she's freaking out and stuff. I thought it was funny. Just wanted to say that.

“No, Flo,” Hugo answered softly,

*I don't think you've introduced the boy as Hugo yet.

"Were you actually going to believe that this little piece of organ was my whole brain? No. There are other parts of my brains scattered around. Each part knows something different than the other and to gain all the information, you’ll have to talk to all of them."

*whoa, I didn't see that coming. That's real interesting. And you know what this means??? More adventures for Flo! :)

So I've noticed that in your past couple chapters, you switch from one part of the story to another. Like changing point of view's. It's easier for the reader to distinguish between the different POV if you put a line before you switch.

Aw, poor Dro! He's in denial. He is totally in love with Flo and it's so cute :) I hope it's not against some stupid law for demons to date humans because I still think Dro and Flo would be a great couple.

Wow, I feel really bad for all of your characters. Except for maybe Ambrose. He's just a jerk. But anyway, I feel bad for Flo because she has to go on three more wild goose chases looking for answers. I feel bad for Dro because he's all confused about how he feels about Flo and Ambrose isn't making it any better. And I feel bad for Glore because she's finally found out who she is and it's all too much to take in at once. I have to say you've done a good job making sure the reader will connect to your characters.

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

User avatar
mystogan
Review

--“Wait, your organs? I thought they were the dragon’s… and you are a dragon,” the dragon boy nodded -- I know this is FLo talking but when you saying the dragon boy ndded it indicates he is saying it. You do stuff like this where you show the reaction in the middle but often you make confuse me into thinking the person is saying something. You need to say Flo said it before describing the reaction of others like in this case the boy.

Anyway onto the good stuff. I am still slightly confused with the details. So the prjection is from the brain of the dragon.

Is the dragon and the boy attached to it different?
The boy is the one they call dragon demons right?
Yet whose blood has Glore drank the dragons or the dragon demons?

I am actually finding it confusing now. If the point of this chapter was to clear things up then could you please explain things to me more clearly but if there is more detail to come then i can clarify then. Anyhow i like how you finished off the pace of the previous chapters with this one chapter. By bringing in the little fight it slowed things down in a comfortable way. Finally that annoying demon got beat. And there is Melda to thank for that. SHe really came through.

But your real genius was with splitting the brain. Because that way the excitement is still there but it is aslo safe to slow things down. Now i reckon you have a good few chapters to develop other parts of the plot, charatcers and stuff without killing the pace of the main story. It was a very clever way to do things.

I have to say your characterisation is very realistic.Both Glore and FLo are very good characters whose reactions are very realistic. I can feel their emotions by their actions and the way you write.

And i like how i know what actually happened to Flo but then you show the other side where they are all searching for her. It shows the timing of things. How long its all been. Becuase on Flo's side she faints and gets up and stuff so you can't tell how long its been.

I can already see that you have begun to spin a new plot with th demons. My suspicion of Dro liking Flo is true but i can see how you have twisted that by putting something evil inside him. What gets me is his eye colour thingy and the fact that the other demons sort of know. I am not sure how much they know but it seems like they are hiding stuff. That was a great way to introduce this plot.

Also i am annoyed of Ambrose. He is quite stupid doesn't cut it, i hate idiots who just maon all the time. Now that i think about it he was moaning a lot earlier on as well. Plus that part about Glore being stuck in the pit when Ambrose didn't look at the dark. He is PATHETIC. I hate people like him. They seem really selfish becuase they let their fears make them act selfishly. Plus their excessive moaning never makes anything better, only worse, yet they always continue to do it.

Get the next chapters up. Try and do it like how you did this. upload like two at a time so i can read at leisure, i find one chapter is not enough, i always end up asking too many questions at the end



rule #1 of being a potato: potatoes gotta defend their friends from negative self-talk
— Spearmint