Stanley Roberts was one of the most popular kids at the White Ravens academy. That was until he went missing one day. Students simply assumed he'd caught a bad cold or something but then a week passed and he never showed up. Girls would usually approach his friends asking about when he'd be back but they would just shake their heads saying they had no idea where he was. Rumours had it that he'd disappeared for good due to the ongoing pressure of his studies along with the fact that he was expected to stay on top in every class.]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]] But was that really the case?
]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
Rayne paced around the school yard at night, hoping to relieve herself from the stress of the upcoming exams. She'd come here to breathe some fresh air that was not infected with the exam fever. The wind ruffled her hair noisily which was followed by the sound of waves crashing at the shore. She could see them from here. It was only a few minutes' walk down the hill and she wished she could stroll alongside of the ocean but the path was too dark and rocky. She could even loose her balance and fall. Arguing within herself whether to go down or not, Rayne noticed the waves getting bigger.]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
It was like a faint sensation at the back of her head that her feet were moving. She stopped walking to realize that she had already treaded half way. Staring blankly ahead, she slowly placed her hands on her eyes in disappointment. The roar of the waves rang in her ears. She peeped through the gaps between her fingers. Rayne noticed the waves seemed dimmer than usual; rushing back and forth constantly. Something was happening. Rayne balled her hands to fists, raising her eyes; too engrossed in the changing water to move.]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
It happened slowly but she could see it. The waves were changing colour to something close to red and they were getting bigger again. The faint movement of her feet once again brought her back to her senses. Rayne blinked quickly. Everything was back to normal. The waves were the way they had always been. Was she getting delusional? She sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose with one hand. She turned around to head back when suddenly nausea hit her. She clasped her hand on her mouth, bending down a little, feeling it come in a rush. There was no way she could hold it in until she got to the academy. It had to be here then.]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
Closing her eyes tightly, Rayne endured the feeling. It reached her throat, filling it with whatever it was that she'd eaten at dinner. She didn't even remember. Her head was spinning. But when she removed her hand for it to happen, it disappeared. Rayne blinked, not knowing what just happened. She was sure she was about to vomit, then why did the feeling just go away like that? She let out the breath she'd been holding. Perhaps she really was getting delusional. Rayne shook her head, feeling it throb slightly. She started to retrace her steps before anything else happened to her.]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
Walking uphill was way more difficult than going down. Her feet, that were already week from the supposed nausea attack, started to hurt. She hadn't even reached halfway and she was already tired. Putting a hand on her heart she could feel it pounding hard against her chest. The wind was slapping her hair onto her face. Rayne pushed her hair out of the way and lifted her leg to move forward. A sharp pain bolted through it, paralyzing her. Her foot twisted more than 90 degrees in one agonizing second and she fell backwards. With a scream stuck at her throat, her vision changed. Everything turned red before her head hit the rocks and she lost it.]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
Rayne woke up in her room. Her head still throbbed a little but other than that nothing else hurt. Perhaps the events of that night had been nothing but a dream.]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
"Oh, you're awake! Rayne, I was so worried. What were you thinking going off on your own down the hill at night? You know how dangerous it is."]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
Lisa jumped onto the bed beside Rayne, taking the blanket off her. Lisa lifted her arm gently, placing a pillow underneath. Rayne didn't understand why she'd done that until she tried to move it. It didn't budge. She looked at her roommate for an explanation. She had to mouth the words as she couldn't speak. She would normally talk through the movement of her hands but since her hand was like that, she had no choice but to rely on her friend to understand the words. ]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
"They say you definitely fell from the hill all the way down. Your injuries indicate that but the fact that your body was found near the shore and not at the bottom of the hill just creates more doubts."]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
Rayne remembered falling off and hitting her head but after that, she'd blacked out for sure. She just shrugged to show that she was just as confused.]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
"What do you mean you don't know? You're lucky nothing major happened to you."]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
Rayne raised an eyebrow. ]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
"Last night when you were out, two more students went missing. The police are still searching for them. We're not allowed to go out of the school for a while till the case behind the missing students is solved." Rayne just rolled her eyes, trying to state the obvious fact.]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
"Oh, no. You're not completely paralyzed. The doctors say that only your right arm was injured. The rest of you is alright. Like I said before... Lucky!"]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
Lisa helped Rayne with her work the rest of the day. After classes were over and they were back in their rooms, she filled the bathtub with warm water for Rayne to take her bath. "You smell like dirt, you know," she added before leaving the bathroom. Rayne closed the door quickly, hearing Lisa chuckle. She took off her clothes, wincing. They did smell. She couldn't believe she'd gone to class like this. She lay down in the tub full of warm water. It felt good. She bent her neck backwards, closing her eyes for a while.]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
What really happened that night? She hadn't gotten the time to think about it all day. How come her hand was the only place she was injured? She clearly remembered her left foot twisting in an unnatural way. She remembered because the pain had been so real, the cracking of her bones, the shooting arrows of agony into her body. And then her vision... she'd been seeing red... With her eyes closed, she could imagine it so clearly. Red everywhere... dispersing every other color from her sight. It seemed too real.]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
Rayne flipped her eyes open with a gasp. It was there. It wasn't just her imagination, everything really was dark red. She had to get away from it somehow. She had to close her eyes to stop the red from appearing. Her eyes didn't close, like something was holding on to them and she was forced to look. Her head wouldn't move either when she tried, along with her neck bending further backwards. It hurt. She kicked with her feet and thrashed her good arm around in the water. Nothing happened. The more her neck tightened, the harder it got for her to breathe.]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
Rayne opened her mouth, forgetting that she couldn't speak. She tried relentlessly to call for Lisa; to shout even, already knowing that no sound would come out. Tears streamed down her cheeks. She cursed herself for not being able to make a sound. And why was it that this was happening to her? She hadn't once ever offended anyone, nor had she ever done anything illegal. Rayne cried silently and eventually gave in to whatever force was holding her neck in a position where she could see everything upside down.]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
Her right arm shivered. Fingers twitched. It was supposed to be paralyzed. Rayne ceased her crying the minute she felt it. This was wrong. She wasn't the one doing it and yet it was still happening. The arm rose out of the water, trembling slightly. It reached for her. A second later she felt her own fingers wrap around her neck. Rayne flinched. She'd already anticipated what was going to happen. She threw her other arm instantly to make a grab for her hand. As she pulled, the hand resisted, tightening its grip, choking her. The struggle went on for half a minute. The hand was practically glued to her skin now while at the same time, trying to choke the life out of her.]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
She coughed hard, feeling like she was going to lose. She had to switch to her last resort now. Rayne dug her fingernails into her own flesh. The pain instantly took over. She clenched her teeth as more tears poured out. She kept at it, feeling the grip loosen on her neck. Blood oozed out. She was able to retrieve her hand and regain control over it. It was over before she knew it. She lay there for a few seconds, trying to catch her breath, hoping that it was finally over. A sudden pain shot through her neck as she tried to move it. She quickly curled up in a ball while massaging her neck. Her entire body shivered as she wept silently. It had been the most horrifying experience for her yet. She had to tell Lisa about this... ]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
...IT wasn't going to let her do that... ]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
Rayne opened her eyes. Where was she? The last thing she remembered was that she was going to tell Lisa everything... but she'd been in the bathtub then. How in the world did she get here and what time was it? She was still wearing her dirty clothes from the night before. She remembered she hadn't hung any fresh clothes in the bathroom. It must've slipped her mind.]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
Rayne got up. The ache in her neck was almost gone now. She looked around the dimly lit corridor full of lockers. It was deserted so it had to be nighttime by now. She let her fingers trace the cold metal surface of the lockers without glancing at them as she walked. She could hear her footsteps echo throughout the corridor. It was so quiet that it made the hair at the back of her neck stand up. Was something going to happen here as well? She breathed in deeply, creasing her brows slightly when she noticed a familiar scent in the air. It bothered her not being able to distinguish the smell.]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
She continued walking and the smell got stronger. Rayne had a bad feeling about this. It was only when her fingers touched something wet that she realized she was right. She flinched, and then slowly craning her neck sideways, saw what it was. Blood! Not only on that one locker but all the lockers after it were slightly dabbed with blood. It was as if someone had been tracing a hand over them the way she'd been doing right now. At the moment, she had the choice to run away but the thought of someone being hurt just forced her feet to keep on moving.]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
The line of blood ended when she reached the school gate. The doors were wide open and Rayne could see the field outside partly illuminated by the nightlight. A cold breeze slipped in, making her shiver. Was she hesitating now after coming so far? It was prohibited for the students to go outside at night until the case of the missing students was solved. Maybe she should just go and inform someone with more authority. Rayne half turned around but stopped. She could hear someone weeping...]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
Without a second thought Rayne dashed outside and walked straight onto the lighted field. The weeping stopped. She scanned her eyes around till they spotted a dark figure hunched in the shadows. The person sprang up instantly at the sight of Rayne. She recognized who it was. Lisa. She was hurt. Her entire arm was covered in blood. She gripped it with her hand, covering the wound as she eyed Rayne sceptically. Rayne, immune to the scepticism that was aimed towards her, rushed over to her friend.]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
But the end to their friendship was near as Lisa took out a knife from her pocket and stabbed the girl at the side of her waist. Rayne's eyes widened all of a sudden as she stared unbelievingly at her, falling to her knees, mouthing a single word. 'Why?']]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
"You monster! You stab me with the same knife, trying to end my life and now that I do the same thing you ask for an explanation? It was you all along wasn't it?"]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
Lisa spoke as Rayne struggled to stay conscious. Her mind was fogged and her ears had already gone numb. All she could see was the tears that sparkled down Lisa's cheek. All she thought was that for some reason her friend was in pain. Had she really stabbed her arm?]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
"You're the one who killed the missing students. You were there that night when those two disappeared. They're bodies were found stuffed inside their own lockers. One of the lockers contained the hand band I'd gifted you last year. The one you always wear. I would have never suspected you when they told me about it until you yourself tried to kill me. Well, you won't succeed because... because everyone's already here. I called the office with my cell phone and now they'll take care of you. Not me, not this time and not ever!"]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
Rayne felt moister in her eyes. She couldn't hear at the moment but she read Lisa's lips. She understood most of what she was saying. Lisa fell onto her knees, sobbing into her bloodstained hands. Rayne wanted to tell her what actually happened but her friend just wouldn't look up to see the hand signs she was making. It hurt her to move but she tried to inch closer when something cold touched the side of her head. Rayne painfully turned a little to see a pistol pointing right at her. She couldn't see the man's face, though, it was shadowed. But she did see all the teachers and few of the students gathered a few feet behind the man, looking at her with frightened eyes.]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
If only they could understand her sign language. She hadn't done anything. They were all wrong... They're wrong... Her vision was getting blurry and had already turned part red through one eye. Rayne's heart sank. She didn't want it to happen here. It was too late. Her head was already spinning. She had to end it and this time she had to do it for good. It was because of it that three people were dead and now her best friend was heart-broken and injured. She didn't see any other choice.]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
Her other eye started to change. Rayne gulped hard and lunged towards the knife in Lisa's hand before the man could do anything. Lisa was caught off-guard. Before she even got the chance to resist, Rayne had already pressed the knife into her own chest. The color drained from Lisa's face as she held the knife with trembling hands.
"R-Rayne..."]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
Rayne smiled slightly, painfully, mouthing her last words, 'I'm sorry.' And that was the end of it all.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hello. I've read the review Ignorance left and I don't have that problem, but instead I have something that looks a bit like this scattered through the story: ]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]],
but the apostrophe problem doesn't happen. Maybe re post it?
Anyway, it's a really good story with a creepy plot line and some nice dialogue. The way Lisa acts when she gets stabbed is great, because that's how I believe someone would act when stabbed spontaneously by their best friend. Not that I would know...
Some more background info on Rayne and Lisa would be good, as we don't even know what they look like or how they came to be friends. If his is intentional, then good, but if it isn't then you should keep in mind hen you're writing that the reader can't see into your head. Also, you never mention who the man is, because his face is blurry, but we don't know whether he's the principal or a police officer or maybe her father or something.
Anyway, it's a good story but it has a few flaws to it. I really enjoyed reading it and absolutely love the ending sentence, "And that was the end of it all.". While many people would put "..." here, you've put only one dot. This is good, because after all, she's dying, the story isn't continuing. It makes it seem very final.
Anyway, this review's been all over the place, so I'll just end it here by saying that I enjoyed your story. Byyyyeeeee!!!!!!!!
Hello! I'm here to, well, kind-of review your work.
The reason I say "kind-of" is because I want to leave you a long, well-deserved review, but.. I simply can't. It's a bit overwhelming to try and read through this massive paragraph. My suggestion is that you break this entire thing up, into paragraphs of three sentances and more, unless it is dialouge. For dialouge, have one character say something, hit the "enter" bar, and then have the next character respond. Example:
"I'm home!" My father declared in a loud voice when the front door opened, and he stepped inside quickly to get out of the freezing cold. He took off his parka jacket and hung it up on the coat rack, then slid off his snow-covered boots and placed them neatly beside the front door.
"Daddy!" I yelled excitedly fron the top of the stairs and quickly took two at a time, propelling myself into his arms and hugging him tightly.
See what I mean? It's a lot easier to read, and it is the proper, gramarically correct way to do dialouge. Do this, and break this entire piece up into strong, independant paragraphs, and I will gladly return to review again for you!
Also, what is with these words?: "he???d, Lisa???s, ???Rayne??????" I don't understand, it looks like your apostrophes were replaced by "???". That isn't right, either. I suggest reviewing your work and fixing all of these conjunctions, stat! Good luck.
Please feel free to PM me once you edit your work. I would love to return and review again, the description sounded awesome! Cheers.~
xx Ariel.
I'm so sorry. I did the paragraphing but no matter how many times I edit and repost it, the paragraphs just don't come...
Awh, I just submitted a review and didn't even notice you commented! I apologize, you may ignore my review if you must.
My suggestion is that you copy your work, paste it into a Word document, fix the paragraphs, copy the newly edited work. Then erase all of your old text from your story and paste the newly edited text. Does that make sense?
Again, I apologize for my useless review. Looks like you got ahead of me.
I will be happy to leave a better, helpful review once we get this paragraph situation fixed! Sorry I wasn't much help.