Glore dropped her school bag and rushed out of the hallways. She heard Sky and Terra yell her name but she couldn’t turn around. Her instincts were pulling her towards the waterways. She could hear footsteps coming after her, two pairs of them. “Go away, this is an emergency!” she shouted to them but the footsteps never stopped. Glore shook her head in frustration and scurried towards the end of the hallway where there was a trapdoor on the wall. She opened it to reveal a small hole, a tunnel path. Glore didn’t give any second thoughts before propelling herself into it. The sloping tunnel brought her to the waterways faster than the normal path would have taken her. She was careful not to scratch herself while sliding. She landed in a crouched position and scampered towards the streams of water. “Which one…?”
There were several streams, each breaking into several other streams at the ends. Glore’s eyes anxiously scanned the area while still running along the banks. She could’ve sworn she’d heard the voice of Flo’s heart, ‘Where are you Flo? I’m here to save you… answer me through your heart,’ she whispered inside, sending the message and hoping that Flo would answer.
Flo drifted inside a realm of darkness, “Flo… Flo, come to me. Give me your soul,” the voice belonged to a stranger. Flo didn’t want to go to a stranger, “Flo, I command you to open your eyes.” Her eyes fluttered and automatically flipped open. There was a stream of light filtering from somewhere above. It was white with very light blue sparkling stars slowly drifting toward her. “Who are you? What do you want?” she asked in a terrified voice. Her arms and legs were shaking badly which she didn’t know why.
“I want your soul, Flo. It’s the only happy soul I’ve come across in ages. And yours is different than any other soul I’ve ever devoured. Your soul is a very powerful one. And I want it…”
“Soul? You must be a demon, then. But I’ve already made a contract with the demon chief that as long as I work here, I won’t be harmed in any way. So you should just forget about me; leave me alone,” Flo’s anger made the trembling cease. The demon laughed his bitter laugh and in only a mere second, he had his hand around Flo’s neck, tightening his grip. “I’m not part of the contract. You WILL give me your soul….” He whispered. The demon’s anger triggered lightening and as it flashed behind Flo, she saw his face for a single second. She’d seen him before. Her mind again brought flashbacks of the boy with his arms outstretched, the red vapor and then the blood red eyes… But something was wrong here and she was too scared to make her mind work.
“Flo! Flo, where are you? Oh, please be okay. It’s me Glore. I heard your heart. You called my name. I know you’re in trouble. If only you answer me. Just one word, I’ll know where you are,” Glore’s desperate voice came and Flo found it hard to answer back with the invisible demon crushing her neck bones. “Glaa–!” She tried to shout but was cut off by the pain in her throat. ‘No, I can’t stop now. If I give up, I’ll die and this demon will have my soul for lunch!”
Fraught with the ache Flo tried once more, “GLORE! Heeelp m– Aaaaaah!” Flo grabbed the invisible hands on her neck and dug her nails into them. Unluckily for her, one of her nails broke and the demon laughed again, in a higher pitch this time. And then as seconds ticked by, Flo’s head felt heavy and her hands fell limply at her sides. “That’s it… give up, give in… die…” the demon whispered greedily. He brought his other hand over Flo’s forehead and it started to glow. “The soul… it’s ready.”
“Flo!” Glore’s voice interrupted the demon and he glanced up. “Flo, come on, you have to breath! Wake up! Oh, pleeease wake up…”
“No… what’s going on? No one was supposed to find the body. How is this possible?” Almost as if some strong force shoved him, the demon was thrown backwards and away from Flo. He lost his grip on her and she fell…
She opened her eyes again and squinted at the blurry figure sitting beside her. She waited till her vision was back and sat up straight, gasping hard. The girl was very pretty, startled, lavender eyes and dark hair that was to the length of her shoulders. The girl sighed in relief and a smile spread across her face.
“Hello, I’m Glore but I guess you already know that,” the girl said in her forever soothing voice.
Flo opened her mouth to speak but the words were jammed inside her throat. She coughed and choked out red water. Glore’s hand covered her mouth in astonishment. “What… a-are you alright? You just spit blood onto your hands. What happened?”
Flo eyed the girl warily, ‘she’s a demon. I can’t trust her because the person who attacked me was no other than a demon himself. And he’s violated the contract I had with the chief.’
Glore reached for Flo’s face and wiped the water with her handkerchief, silently, reading her expressions. “I understand that you wouldn’t want to tell me anything because you think I’m a demon. Come on, let’s get you cleaned. You’re not afraid of me, are you? I won’t hurt you so don’t hesitate to enter my cabin once we get there.” Glore’s smile didn’t reach her eyes this time as she helped Flo get up. Flo was wet all over and shivering badly. Her bones ached for some energy and her ears were numb from the water.
“Worry not. I will make sure you have plenty to eat once we’re in my cabin.” It was almost as if Glore could read her thoughts but if that was so, then why hadn’t she figured out what had happened to Flo?
“I eat human food… not souls…” Flo whispered. That was as much as she could manage to speak at the moment.
“I’m aware,” Glore replied and her head jerked up instantly. It was as if she heard something. A minute later, Flo heard it too. They were footsteps and they were coming fast. Flo stopped and started backing away. She could feel a pulse beating hard in her head, making it throb and making her dizzy.
Glore tightened her grip around Flo’s hand and marched forward bravely. “Don’t worry. No one can hurt you while you’re with me. I won’t let them.” She tried comforting her in a low voice. Sadly, Flo couldn’t help it. Her feet seemed to have been glued to the rocky floor and she couldn’t get them to move.
“Glore! There you are! We were worried. You said it was an emergency.”
Flo looked straight into crimson red eyes that reflected light from every angle. A boy and a girl were headed her way. Both had the same midnight-blue hair which made it seem like they were related.
“It’s alright, we’re fine,” Glore replied happily. She stopped trying to pull Flo’s hand when she looked at the frightened girl’s face. It was pale, lacking every shade and color. And it was hard to tell whether Flo was breathing or not.
“Who’s this? She looks human,” Terra asked, looking at her.
“She is. I heard her call out my name… I mean, I heard her heart. It was yearning, begging for help and so I couldn’t refuse. She would’ve died if I hadn’t been there to save her. Somehow she managed to fall into the fifth stream.”
Sky’s eyes widened, “No way! That’s impossible. No human could ever get there without drowning into the other streams first. And once they drown, they’re dead. Even demons don’t go there. How could she have ended up there and still live?”
“That’s what I want to know. She’s scared to death. Someone must’ve thrown her into the stream. I know her heart and I know that she would never do this to herself.”
“We believe you, Glore. Now let’s get her to your room,” Terra said and walked towards Flo’s free hand and grabbed it. “Let’s go… uh, what’s her name?”
“Flo…” Flo replied in a soft murmur and the two three demons led her out of the place where she’d almost died. They followed the bank towards the exit, with the two girls at her sides and Sky leading the way. They didn’t talk about the stream or who’d pushed Flo into it. Instead, Sky started talking about his class, distracting them all from the horrifying situation.
“I made the twins go inside the class but they came out and told me that the teacher wasn’t there. Dro thinks it must’ve been something urgent that she had to be called. She is a very important member of the quarter council.”
“And what did the other twin say?” Glore asked with interest.
“Ambrose thinks she’s out to get us,” Sky answered with a laugh.
“Teacher Melda’s got other more important things to do rather than chasing kids around,” Terra added and looked at Flo to see how she was doing. She was listening very carefully to the conversation of course and there was a slight hint of recognition on her face at hearing ‘Teacher Melda’.
‘
Could she be the same one?’ Flo thought. They were now out of the rocky terrain and onto good, polished tiled floors. They were heading toward the elevator across the hallway. Their shadows moved around in circles when they passed the white flamed lanterns on the walls.
“What are you thinking? Your heart displays recognition. Do you want to share something?” Glore asked suddenly.
“What? Um… can you read minds?” was what Flo asked instead.
Terra giggled when Flo almost tripped and she had to put her arm around her shoulder to keep the girl from falling. “Sorry I laughed a little. I’m just thinking that it’s strange how we never tell any demon about Glore’s powers and here we are, about to tell a human our secret.”
“If you don’t trust me then that’s okay. I can understand–” Flo was saying when Sky turned around and cut her off.
“No, it’s because you’re human that we can trust you. My sister was trying to say the same thing but it didn’t come out right.”
Flo gave Glore an innocent look, “So what’s your power?” Glore grinned. “I’ve got quite a few powers actually. One you’ve already seen when we first met. The second is that I can sense what people are feeling. I can hear what their hearts are trying to say.”
“We’re almost there. Everyone gather around her.” Terra gestured towards Flo while walking onto a circle with a 5 feet diameter. The rest followed her. Glore tightened her grip on Flo’s arm, her face hardened a little. This time Flo could see it happen so clearly. Glore’s pupils lost their color and turned pure white for a split second before regaining twice the amount of lavender, resulting in a violet color. The circle shifted and started spinning slightly. It was a good thing that both girls had good grips on Flo’s arms otherwise the moving floor might have made her hurtle and then fall.
Sky grabbed hold of his sister’s hand at the very last second. After that, a heavy rush of wind blew onto their heads from an invisible opening above. Flo had her eyes half open due to the pressure of the wind. In that moment, she saw the whiteness of the hallway disappear and get replaced by a very dark Grey color. It spread across the hallway till it reached the very last doorway and it all happened in only three tick tocks of a clock. And then everything disappeared; white as snow. The wind still blew over Flo’s head but with lesser pressure which was bearable.
She turned around to see that the three demons that had been holding her tight had disappeared with the hallway. Maybe she went into the wrong dimension or maybe the elevator only transported demons which must be why they were all looking so tensed. They might have never teleported a human before.
“But the elevators are supposed to work on their own… what was Glore doing then?” Flo said out loud. At first, she was startled to hear her own voice so clearly. Then she felt the ground get warmer and on looking down, she realized that she was barefooted. “Maybe my shoes are the only things that got transported with the demons. They are not going to love the smell.”
As Flo walked forward, she began to notice a difference in the color of the walls and the floor. That was how she’d realized that there were walls here. The floor was pure white like clouds in the sky while the walls were a little paler white. She also noticed that her clothes were no longer wet and that her skin was glowing slightly. “Am I dead…? Helloooo? Anybody here that can help me get back?”
Flo took another step when she felt something underneath her feet. Red like blood, soft like feathers, laid a rose petal. The very sight of it made the hair at the back of her neck stand up and goosebumps went up her legs and then her arms. “I-I… th-the dream… r-real…” She stuttered feeling her lungs give in. Her feet already began to retrace her steps but when she turned around, another wall.
More petals fell from the white, shapeless sky, emerging from nowhere to be precise. Flo raised her arms to protect herself from the drizzling petals but they never touched her. They only fell on the white floor and remained solid. “They didn’t melt… how come?” She kneeled down to touch one. The second her skin made contact with the petal, it started to lose its shape and turned liquid. This time, it didn’t freak her out like before because somehow, this dream was different from the one she had before. Last time, she’d had this bad feeling that something was going to go wrong.
“What do you feel now?” a soft and gentle voice asked her. She whirled her head around in every direction to see where the unfamiliar voice had come from.
“I feel safe… for some reason,” Flo whispered to herself. The all of a sudden, like some big ball of energy burst inside her, she found her voice; her real voice. The one she’d been holding back since she was captured from Earth. “Was that you who healed my wounds because I don’t see them anymore?” She rubbed her hands and continued, “They’ve vanished completely and the pain is gone as well, along with the dizziness, of course.”
“Flo…” the voice hesitated but Flo kept talking.
“I mean, I don’t know how I just keep getting bruises and cuts every day. There isn’t a single day that I don’t hurt myself.”
“Flo…”
“What?” Flo had become so joyful and hyper all of a sudden.
“Look down.”
She obeyed and tilted her head downwards where her feet rested on white stones. ‘Stones?’ In all the unexpected excitement, Flo never paid attention to the ground. Now she could see water filling up to her ankles, just like in a bathtub. The petals floated on the surface. “Beautiful…” she wondered out loud. That moment, another pair of feet joined her. Surprised, Flo looked up when dread filled her face and she backed away, screaming.
“Don’t be scared. I won’t hurt you,” the boy said. He had that same sad expression he’d had the first time their eyes had met.
“You almost killed me a while ago and you say you’re not going to hurt me?” Flo screeched, “You said you wanted to devour my soul.” The boy opened his mouth to object but she never gave him a chance. She screamed at the top of her lungs till her throat began to ache and her voice started to falter. The boy backed away sighing and waved a hand in the air. After that, the entire world flipped and turned black. Flo opened her eyes and found herself lying on something soft and warm. It was Glore’s bed. She’d brought her to her small cabin where there were shelves, a study table, a closet and an extra door which probably led to the bathroom. Terra and Sky weren’t here.
“Glad you’re coming around. I was beginning to think that the transportation system wasn’t meant for humans,” Glore said, smiling as happily as ever.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Damn, there i was finally identifying who the enemy was but then you had to go and confuse me again. Now I literally don't know whose side to take. demons, dragon or boy or shall i add the fourth group which is Glore, her friends and their little secret. The worst part is I still don't know exactly what everyone wants. It seems to me like they all want something on the outside but they all have hidden agendas. Glore and her friends help Flo but then they take her into a secret, the dragon wants to be rescued except it won't give any more details. Plus i get the thing that there was a sufficient reason why it was actually trapped in the first place. then there are the demons who enslave humans but then act nice to them as if they are doing them some kind of favour. Lastly there is that boy who appears to be evil and trying to eat her soul but then he is supposed to be nice. What the hell!
In a way this story is advnacing so quickly yet at the same time it really has not gone anywhere. for once, truely once the reader is forced to know only what the main character knows. Literally, i can only feel the emotions and thoughts that Flo feels. You conceal everything else so well that I have to stumble along with Flo's pace which i might say is getting better. That something about her regaining her original voice sounds like she is going to get stronger.
i have to say i think she is quite brave. So far she has spoken at times where i would have expected her to be quiet. Also i like how you show her despair through out the story like when she thinks this is it, i am gonna die and stuff. It makes it seem more realsitic that way. I also like how you then go and make her fight back. Its as if watching a drama. The way you have written its so easy to picture the scenes taking place.
My only criticism is that once you have finished you should proof read your work. There are like three points where a word or two has been placed wrong. I can still deduce the meaning of the sentence but i can see that you did not intend for the word. So just check your work once you are done.
I think its great that you are making the mood more relaxed with the introduction of Melda and the children. the situation is no longer horrible imprisonment slash lonely Flo. things are getting better for her plus i can see the demons are not all they are made out to be which is what makes it so hard to see who the evil ones are
Huh, that was a very interesting end to the chapter! I really liked it. Though I'm still not sure what transporting means or why Glore can do it. Still, it's pretty cool.
I liked how you had a bunch of different imagery in here, like the white hallways and the flowers and water at the end. That was nice.
I do think this was a better chapter length, but it's really up to you. I feel like I can review more things now that it's fresher in my memory.
Ok, so all of the grammatical stuff I haven't mentioned so far because it wasn't that big of a deal, but I thought the beginning of this chapter had some errors. Here's what you wrote:
Flo drifted inside a realm of darkness, “Flo… Flo, come to me. Give me your soul,” the voice belonged to a stranger. Flo didn’t want to go to a stranger, “Flo, I command you to open your eyes.” Her eyes fluttered and automatically flipped open. There was a stream of light filtering from somewhere above. It was white with very light blue sparkling stars slowly drifting toward her. “Who are you? What do you want?” she asked in a terrified voice. Her arms and legs were shaking badly which she didn’t know why.
I'm not good at explaining, but it could be easier to follow . Try this instead:
Flo drifted inside a realm of darkness.
“Flo… Flo, come to me. Give me your soul.”
The voice belonged to a stranger. Flo didn’t want to go to a stranger.
“Flo, I command you to open your eyes.”
Her eyes fluttered and automatically flipped open. There was a stream of light filtering from somewhere above. It was white with very light blue sparkling stars slowly drifting toward her.
“Who are you? What do you want?” she asked in a terrified voice. Her arms and legs were shaking badly which she didn’t know why.
Another part:
“Flo! Flo, where are you? Oh, please be okay. It’s me Glore. I heard your heart. You called my name. I know you’re in trouble. If only you answer me. Just one word, I’ll know where you are,” Glore’s desperate voice came and Flo found it hard to answer back with the invisible demon crushing her neck bones. “Glaa–!” She tried to shout but was cut off by the pain in her throat. ‘No, I can’t stop now. If I give up, I’ll die and this demon will have my soul for lunch!”
Fraught with the ache Flo tried once more, “GLORE! Heeelp m– Aaaaaah!” Flo grabbed the invisible hands on her neck and dug her nails into them. Unluckily for her, one of her nails broke and the demon laughed again, in a higher pitch this time. And then as seconds ticked by, Flo’s head felt heavy and her hands fell limply at her sides. “That’s it… give up, give in… die…” the demon whispered greedily. He brought his other hand over Flo’s forehead and it started to glow. “The soul… it’s ready.”
Try this instead:
“Flo! Flo, where are you? Oh, please be okay. It’s me [comma] Glore. I heard [you call my name and I know you're in trouble]. If only you answer me! Just one word, I’ll know where you are [period, not comma]” Glore’s desperate voice came.
Flo found it hard to answer back with the invisible demon crushing her neck bones. “Glaa–!” she [lowercase she] tried to shout but was cut off by the pain in her throat. ‘No, I can’t stop now. If I give up, I’ll die and this demon will have my soul for lunch!”
Fraught with the ache [comma] Flo tried once more,[period, not comma]
“GLORE! Heeelp m– Aaaaaah!” Flo grabbed the invisible hands on her neck and dug her nails into them. Unluckily for her, one of her nails broke and the demon laughed again, in a higher pitch this time. As seconds ticked by, Flo’s head felt heavy and her hands fell limply at her sides.
“That’s it… give up, give in… die…” the demon whispered greedily. He brought his other hand over Flo’s forehead and it started to glow. “The soul… it’s ready.”
Instead of sandwiching everything into such small paragraphs, space it out. Especially with dialogue, it can make things easier to follow.
On a side note, I hope we'll figure out more of what Glore is and her friends. Flo was always scared of demons and acted like every one of them were evil, and then here comes along these guys who are just fine. So I'm curious why they are different!
Alright, see you next chapter!
This chapter is full of suspense! I held my breath most of the read to the end. I don't think Glore is full demon at all. She must be something else, something special. I'm sure the demon boy isn't evil. I felt like shouting in Flo's face that this is no time for contracts, that this guy is out to murder you.
. Oh, I think you haven't noticed, but the contract is already broken, right? It got broken by the teem demons. Other than that, I love this chapter. Good Luck on Chapter 4! 
“Maybe my shoes are the only things that got transported with the demons. They are not going to love the smell.”
This made me laugh for the first time this day
Hi there!

This chapter is really good. I couldn't stop reading. I was so upset when I got to the end. The beginning was great. I like your description of the demon that wanted Flo's soul. I felt like I knew about him, but there was still a lot of mystery surrounding him. And then when I got to the part about him being in her dream and claiming to not hurt her, I couldn't believe it. I'm not sure whether I should trust him or not.
I can't wait to read more! Keep writing!
**Noelle**