If invisible hands pushed me from behind, there might be an invisible hole that they intended to shove me into. And after falling down to the invisible ground, I’ll open my eyes to that invisible world, except it won’t be invisible anymore for me, since I would have become a part of it by then.
I will tilt my head up and peer into the dark vivid hole that I might have fallen from. The hole would slowly shrink under my gaze and soon disappear from my sight. I would stand up and wipe the dust off my shirt and pants, but instead of dust, glitter will sprinkle off me.
The tiny particles will enlarge into glowing balls of light and bounce off in front of me, lighting my way in the dim, dark tunnel. As I will tread my way across the hard concrete, cold will catch up to me, sending goose bumps up my arms. My bare feet will come in contact with a rough terrain that I will soon recognize as scattered pebbles and stones. The stones will be cold and will make my feet feel damp.
When we feel bad, our conditions just seem to worsen every second.
Soon enough, I will have reached the point where shallow water will pinch my ankles. The glowing lights will bounce off the water, sending ripples to my feet and sending shivers to my bones. I will march forward, with my arms wrapped around me. The walls, I notice, will cave in as I go. My path might be getting narrower and the water might not be so shallow anymore.
After a short while, half of my body will be under water, the rest of me shivering from the cold and dampness that I feel. One by one the balls of light will reach a point where a force will yank them into the water. One by one, my sources of light will cease to exist. By the time I reach that point, my feet will slip, ground will give way, and I will be completely devoured by the water.
However, even though we feel like everything’s going down, we’ll notice down is up and up is down.
To be more precise, just when I will think I am about to die of suffocation and lack of oxygen, my sources of light will blink at me one by one. Water does not wipe out their glow, it will seem. In fact, the new medium will also contain small shards of mirrors floating around. Those broken mirrors might reflect the state of my heart, and as light bounces on them, they reflect that as well, in so many different angles. A truly magnificent sight will stand before me.
I know now that I was never lost,
Nor broken in the dark,
My heart is and always was,
In a state of radiating sparks.
(Please don't mind the almost horrible attempt at poetry. I just felt like writing a song but songs don't fully reach you unless you're singing it. So the poem's just the rough sketch of a small song that I might turn it into)
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,732 Reviews
Not sure what to think of this. It seems like either a metaphysical journey (which are largely meaningless without tons and tons of aside explanations that bog everything down) or a drug trip (which are unique to the individual and mostly ineffable). When I reach the end, I do not gain a sudden deeper understanding of myself, nor do I sit in awe, contemplating the fields of imagery I have just crossed. This story either needs more or it needs less, depending on which way you want to take it.
If you add on more, give it more lushness. You mention a dim, dark tunnel -- but that doesn't say very much by itself. What kind of a tunnel is this? Is it a cavern? Is it a lava tube? Is it an industrial passage? Is it a sewer? Etc. I'm not seeing it. You come upon a good spot with "scattered pebbles and stones", which gives a sense of reality to this otherwise unreal scene. Pebbles and stones are solid, imaginable things -- I can hear them softly crunching under my feet, I can feel their rough and smooth texture, and I can smell the moisture on them. I can feel their coolness with my soles. But a dark tunnel? This builds no imagery whatsoever.
Another way you could go is cut some things out. I mentioned the pebbles as a reality-anchor of sorts, something to ground the reader into imagining the scenes, and indeed, you could continue using that. However, what you could do is cut the reader's connection to reality completely. Get rid of all solid imagery, water, pebbles, floating shards of mirrors, etc. Strip everything down to its barest bones, and present that as your story. The simpler the story is, the clearer the thought behind it becomes. But that only works if the story had a thought for the reader to consider in the first place -- this piece is too disconnected and phantasmagoric for me to pull any real thought out of it. That doesn't mean it's necessarily bad or not worth the effort -- books with nothing to say have their place in this world, like Lord of the Rings, for example. But these books compensate with something else -- in LotR's case, an obscenely detailed fantasy world. What does your piece have to hook the reader? Find the strength of your piece, and build on that.
I would not use future tense. It creates problems with tenses later on, such as "The walls, I notice, will cave in as I go." What does that sentence mean? When exactly does the narrator exist? In the present, or in the future? The "notice" implies the former, while "will cave in" implies the latter. Normally I don't grumble at tenses (because I'm not the best at them myself) but this is too glaring of an example to pass over.
Think about what you want to say, and then think about how you will say it. After that, you can write a good piece. This piece starts high up and then leads nowhere, like an isolated cliff with a sudden edge.
Your mirror-shard,
cC
Hey there. Rebel's here to review your short story.
I must admit, I was blown away by this piece. I really liked how you wrote in future tense, as not many writers do that, and you didn't accidentally switch tenses. Kudos to you on that.
The description is beautifully done. You successfully created an image in my mind without necessarily overdoing it. Very powerful.
Do not discount your poetry! I thought that it was a nice touch to the story.
Overall, very well done! I hope you write more in the future!
Hello, just want to say I read and review at the same time.
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For the first line of the second paragraph, instead of peer into, you should say peer at, into sounds like you are still out of the hole. Likewise, instead of under my gaze, i would suggest either you find a different word, or just cut that bit out.
Suggestion: I would stand up and wipe 'what I would have thought to be' dust off my shirt and pants, but instead of dust, glitter will sprinkle off me
"As I will tread" doesn't sound right for some reason there. It does work in other places, but the sentence before makes it so it doesn't sound right.
"When we feel bad, our conditions just seem to worsen every second." I noticed that your story is in future-tense. I find this sentence very awkward, since the narrator is kind of stepping aside out of future tens suddenly just to state this.
After that, I didn't find anything else wrong with your story. I really like it as a matter of fact. I love your imagery. The scenes you described were very vivid. I'm not used to seeing stories in future tense, so it seems like your character is seeing a vision or some sort. That how I see it.
I absolutely love your last paragraph as well. It's so moving, so beautiful
Wonderful work. Keep on writing.
Whoa. That was goregess (excuse my spelling). Wow. And don't nock your poetry, I loved it. This piece has amazing creativity. You did change tenses, though. It worked with the genre but it was noticable ( The poetry was different than the narritive). How on earth did you think of this? I loved it!!!!
Hey there! A small review for you, if you don't mind
This journey into your subconscious is breathtaking. That is the only word I can think of that would describe this world that you give to your readers. It's beautiful and eerie and beautiful and strange and beautiful and terrifying. There's a lot going on here and I think various aspects that you describe, such as the water or the lights represent various entities/ideologies that are important to the protagonist. I'm yet to go deeper into the story to try to figure out what they are, but good job on fusing them into the remarkable atmosphere that you present to us.
I also loved how you wrote the story in the future tense, that's very rare and I must commend you for doing a good job of it. Also, I think you should keep the four lines of poetry that you have at the end. They're perfect the way they are.
Good job, keep writing. I love it.