Infected part 1

by Twinkle4ever

Published September 1, 2012

In Short stories

This is just a little something I started last year. And now that I'm about to finish my novel, I thought maybe I should continue with this story. Do tell me if I should continue or not.

Chapter 1: The night I died

I was strolling outside under the beautiful night sky. The stars looked like tiny droplets of light hanging above the clouds. Everything was so perfect and peaceful. My life was perfect. My baby sister was about to turn two in a few days and my dad got a promotion letter from his boss. I felt ecstatic at the moment; like I could jump up into the air and start flying. I smiled at the thought; a smile that reached my cornflower eyes. The wind gently brushed my waist-long, red hair; as if agreeing with me.

 

I was walking through the park, humming pleasantly when I noticed something behind the trees from afar. It was white. ‘Probably a rabbit...’ I thought, hopping towards it. Happy thoughts were swirling in my mind, making me laugh.

 

Then suddenly, a cold and piercing swipe of wind made me slow down. There was dead silence. I could only hear the quivering of branches followed by the sudden beating of my heart. The branches looked like several black skeletons, daring me to come closer. All the happy thoughts were now being replaced by dreadful images of the skeleton branches grabbing me, luring me into the darkness.

 

I shook my head, trying to discard that thought but it kept bugging me. That’s when I glimpsed a fraction of something long and white flowing from behind one of the trees. I squinted; slowly edging towards it, completely forgetting about the shadowy branches. So it hadn’t been a rabbit after all. It seemed like a cloak maybe. All that hopping with joy and laughing had been for no reason. I pouted at myself for being so stupid.

 

Still, whatever that thing was, I was eager to find out. I looked towards the trees again, the thing had disappeared. ‘Strange,’ I thought, ‘I feel like something’s wrong here...’

 

I could hear something flutter above my head, blowing a lock of hair onto my face. Pushing it aside annoyingly I glanced upwards. ‘There’s nothing; not even a single trace of any bird.’ I shrugged, ignoring it and was about to continue walking when the sight of my shadow in front of me made me flinch. There seemed to be wings sticking from out of my back but that was impossible. I didn’t have any wings.

 

Suddenly, something touched the back of my neck. My heart skidded and I whirled around, gasping. There was no one in sight! ‘It must’ve been my imagination,’ I consoled myself. Still panting, I forced my legs to move forward. I couldn’t run away now. What if this was all a prank and somebody was watching me.

 

The hair at the back of my neck stood up and the very next second, I heard a piercing shriek. It was so loud that I clapped both my hands onto my ears, backing away. I thought the world had turned upside down! It sounded like the shattering of glass mixed with the high pitched whistling of a kettle. No, it was a lot louder than that. It made my ears go numb, although I knew it was a mental shriek. I screamed too. 

 

All of a sudden, as if someone had just turned off a switch, the shrieking stopped. I dropped to the ground and sat there, breathing frantically. My hands were still clasping my head. My eyes were filled with tears. I’d never heard anything as horrible as that. The beautiful mood I’d developed while walking through the park earlier had completely vanished now.

 

A tiny voice at the back of my mind spoke,

“Danger,” it said, and my heart started hammering inside my chest. There was no doubt about it that it wasn’t my voice at all. Something was speaking to me!

‘No!’ I thought wildly, ‘It’s not possible! Things like these only happen in storybooks; not real life…’ 

 

It seriously seemed like a prank to me, but who would want to prank me at a time like this? I got up steadily, bracing myself to continue walking. With every step I took, my heart would pound harder. Sweat prickled down my forehead and into my eyes. I blinked. Something would stir inside my brain after every two seconds as a warning for me to back away but I was curious. Who could be stupid enough to do this? 

 

That’s when something struck me. My mind suddenly wandered back to the time when I was only seven. I’d been roaming around in the park all by myself at night, feeling rather lonely, when I’d glimpsed the same white creature behind the trees. Luckily, I hadn’t gone towards it; I’d run away instead. Now it seemed like my own history was repeating itself.

 

My breathing became very uneven after that thought. I paused again mid-way. After taking deep, long breaths, I walked quickly, taking long strides this time. The cold and vicious wind swooped at me, leaving me immobilized for a split second but I wasn’t one to give up. I gulped and marched forward hesitantly. The curiosity was killing me here! Then again, curiosity did kill the cat but I didn’t care. I wasn’t a little girl anymore. I was a fifteen year old teenager; one that didn’t believe in the night-elves, or fairies... or even vampires!

I was too lost in thought; distracted. My dad usually complained about that. So I wasn’t quite sure how it happened but it knocked my breath away. 

 

I’d tripped on something and was falling forward towards a thorny bush. I didn’t want to get scratched; not in front of the prank-person. I closed my eyes and immediately after that, my fall was cut short by something soft and feathery. It brushed my face for only an instant after which it was gone and I stumbled forward. 

 

I opened my eyes. The bush was only an inch away from me and I was standing safely on my feet. Although I had no idea how it had been possible for me to not even get pricked by a single thorn. The wind suddenly whipped my face. I shivered, rubbing my arms and turning around to look at what had tripped me like that. 

 

That’s when I fell into a shock, staring wide-eyed at the thing lying on the ground in front of me. Even in this dark I could detect the dark red liquid still bleeding from it. From afar it might have seemed like an ordinary branch when instead… it was an arm! 

 

I winced at the sight. The human arm was lying there, almost completely covered with blood which was staining the perfectly clean grass underneath it. I noticed that the hand lacked the smallest finger, wondering where the rest of the body might be. That’s when I heard someone yell. Turning around to look at the forest where the shout had come from, I caught sight of a tiny movement from the arm. I glanced down at it but it was still.

 

I looked away again, when someone leaped out of the trees at me. The person’s face was half covered in blood while the other half was disintegrating. He grabbed my shoulder, shaking it violently, yelling words at me; words I could not understand since they were spoken in a different language. He seemed frightened to the depths of his heart. I tried to free my shoulder from him. Unfortunately, he had a strong and unbreakable grip. His nails were digging into my skin. I tried pulling them but something sticky and slimy stuck to my hands.

 

It was all over the person, burning his flesh. It burned my arm too but I quickly wiped it with my shirt. That’s when I noticed that the person didn’t have an arm! I screamed, all of a sudden, at full volume, finally finding my voice. The man was startled and backed away, letting go of my shoulder. I backed away as well, still screaming when I saw a tiny flash behind him. That very next instant, a blade went through the man’s stomach, blood spurted out of it. The blade retreated and he vomited more blood. I’d stopped screaming and was trying to catch my breath. The man fell flat onto his face, lying still.

 

I didn’t waste any time and turned away to run when my eyes spotted a white creature standing a foot away from the arm.

It was wearing a white, hooded cape. The hood hid its face. There was a pair of white, feathery wings sticking out from its back. I opened my mouth to say something but no voice came out. I was frightened to the depths of my heart which was now yearning for my cosy house where everyone would be waiting for me.

 

“I told you to stay away…” the creature told me telepathically. This time it wasn’t a whisper. It was a soft murmur in my ear or mind, I couldn’t really tell. My legs were wobbly. As I tried to back away, tiny needles pinched my back making me jump forward quickly. I accidentally stepped onto the arm and it moved! In only a blink of an eye, it clutched my ankle, digging its sharp decayed nails into my flesh. I gasped in pain, trying to pull my leg away but it was useless.

The winged creature watched me silently the whole time. I looked up, ignoring the stinging ache.

“Who are you?” I demanded trying to raise my voice but what came out was a tiny whisper. 

 

Wind blew again, blowing the thing’s hood off its face as I stared. He was beautiful. He had snow-white skin which made the moon look dim. His eyes were blazing red, staring into my frightened ones. He was a boy, not much older than I was, with hair as dark as the night. I realized then just how scared I was. My arms were trembling and I pinched myself to wake up from this nightmare but it didn’t happen. 

“I warned you…” there was that voice again, sending goose bumps up my arms. 

 

I closed my eyes shut and tried to picture myself waking up. It still didn’t happen!

Finally, after a few seconds of trying I gave up and opened my eyes again. I blinked. The person was no longer standing there. I looked down towards the ground, the arm was gone and there was no sign of blood there; although my leg was still throbbing badly.

 

I sighed. ‘It must’ve been my hallucinations after all,’ I thought when suddenly, something grabbed my shoulders. My heart thudded loudly as I tried to scream when a hard hand instantly covered my mouth. 

“Oh, is that what you think?” said the soft voice in my ear, I was sure of it this time. I could feel the person’s cold breath on my neck… 

A pair of sharp teeth pierced into my neck and I screamed… 

 

It was the night I think I’d actually died. My parents had found my body lying near the same thorny bush with all the blood drained from my face. I watched them take me away; watched my mother cry for the first time that night and my heart ached badly. That night, I’d walked as a human. Now, I walk merely as a spirit, watching my baby sister act like nothing ever happened. I cried but no tears came out. I felt helpless and had no energy left to fend off the darkness calling me. I gave in to it...

Chapter 2 Waking up...

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
ChocoCookie
Review
ChocoCookie wrote a review Review · Sep 2, 2012

Twinkle! =)

This is definitely a good story, thought just a lot descriptions coming in, so it left me a little... Maybe to the off-zone? But once, something spooked up, my mind enlightened so I liked it and how you've described the boy. That was magnificent. I wouldn't call this so realistic, the first few parts are. The fact that a happy girl actually dies after that. Now, that is a good suspense, so good job!

Here :-

Twinkle4ever wrote:I felt ecstatic at the moment; like I could jump up into the air and start flying. I smiled at the thought; a smile that reached my cornflower eyes. The wind gently brushed my waist-long, red hair; as if agreeing with me.


I LOVED this paragraph. Its my favorite of all here. I just love the way you describe your eyes and hair. It made really imagine the girl and I must applaud for you.

One thing you're really good at, is describing each every moment/situation to that is why, the chapter came out really big and a lot of feelings came out. I have no words to say. Though I think, you kept saying about the prank thing a lot which made it a little too repetitive but don't change it.

Now, to some nitpicks (mostly Punctuation).

Comma's

1. "Pushing it aside annoyingly I glanced upwards."

--> Comma after "annoyingly".


2. "I shrugged, ignoring it and was about to continue walking when the sight of my shadow in front of me made me flinch."

--> Comma after "me". [In front on me, made me flinch].


Corrections

1. "What if this was all a prank and somebody was watching me."

--> There is supposed to be a question mark at the end since, it's a question. It starts with "What", right? ;)


2. "I screamed too."

--> This line is just not appropriate. Let it be continue like this :- Which made me scream too.


3. "I dropped to the ground and sat there, breathing frantically.

--> "[s]and sat there[s]". You've already dropped to the ground so, you get the picture already.


4. "a blade went through the man’s stomach, blood spurted out of it."

--> Now, stomach is... Well, it sounds weird. So, just "through the man as blood...", will do.


5. "I cried but no tears came out."

--> This line needs a little more polishing. More feeling too it. Try this :-

I cried but I never felt those tears splashing in.


Overall: I loved it! You should definitely continue and I'll be waiting to read the second chapter. PM me, okay? xD

Keep Writing!~ 8D

Cheers,
Cookie <3'

Oops. I mean't "and sat there".

Typos. >.<

Oops. I mean't "and sat there".

Typos. >.<

User avatar
mystogan
Review
mystogan wrote a review Review · Sep 2, 2012

this is a good start. Its a concept that has been explored before but very rarely. The idea of someone dying and then living on as a spirit can be interesting depending on the way you take it. In this case you did a good picture by making everything so happy and then killing her. Plus its realistic the way you made her go up to the tree with all those excuses. I have to say that is something that probably pops up in a lot of people's minds when they are in similiar situations, you know the prank thing.

There is enoguh here to continue the story. For example the random people of whom i am not sure how many there was. There was the dying man, the blade guy, the boy, possibly someone with teeth and who knows what else. I certainly noted many supernatural forces which i can't be sure enough to label onto anyone in particular. there was the wind, the soft cushion before the thorns. But then if the story was to continue you would need to decide if you are taking her to another world completely or if she is staying in this world and if she is then is she looking over her family.

Also there is the chance that now she is dead she regrettfully learns about her families dirty laudry. That is usually the common way that writer'stake this scenario. Anyway i like the simple way in which you described her last moments about the body and stuff. It reeks of dead but then does that mean that she will be devoid of emotion for the whole novel.

Anyhow this is not my type of genre at all. I was never too interested in it. But then again if you do decide to write this as a novel i will be happy to reivew it for you anyway. : )

User avatar
Jadefox
Comment
Jadefox commented Comment · Sep 2, 2012

Great job on details, no matter how gory they are. You have my attention. Please continue.


-jadefox



Remember, a stranger once told you that the breeze here is something worth writing poems about.
— Shinji Moon