There are ghosts in this house
They don’t lurk in the dust beneath my bed
Or between the musty closet’s clothes
They don’t need dark
Cellars or attics
Only my thoughts
And memories.
A thousand children
Dance their transparent feet around
Their faces are pale but bright
Their luminescent faces
Eerily resemble mine.
Pitifully optimistic, they traipse
Around this empty kitchen
Pretending that the
Tattered gray pictures
Hanging on the fridge
Still have color.
The whirling ghosts
Hold their small hands up to me,
Asking for an embrace
I cannot give.
Their lucid smiles make no noise
But I can still hear
Faint laughter.
A small figure bends
Over the black and white blocks
Eyes squint in concentration
But still the piano
Does not respond
The strings have gathered dust
My fingers forgot the notes
But though silence has trapped
This echoing house
I can still remember how
The music used to sound.
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,757 Reviews
I liked this poem, but I think you should add a bit more punctuation in places, for grammars sake.
I'm like a fish out of water, don't know what I should say. Except good work, that is. Wish I could say more.
First of all--punctuation! Now, I'm all for breaking with convention, but punctuation in poetry isn't just a convention: it's just good common sense. Face it--as important as the words are, it's the punctuation that gives poetry it's emotion. My favorite example is the word "Hello." Simple word, right? But think of how punctuation changes it: "Hello!" "Hello?" "...Hello." "Hello...?" etc et al. ^_^ Same goes for poetry. Take, for example, your first stanza:
Now, add a dash of punctuation:
The period at the end of the line adds weight, drama. The statement seems far more significant now, because it has a heavier pause following it. The semicolon in line 3 creates a natural break that just helps clarify, really--but you don't want your reader getting too muddled (unless that's what you're going for, and I sense that here, it's not). Then that dash at the end of line 5? That creates some serious drama, a lot of tension; it sort of hangs there and creates a sense of suspense.
The flow's a little stiff in places, but this image is very powerful: love it.
Gorgeous lines; the best of the piece. And that's good, lol: you want to end on a strong note, and you've certainly succeeded there. ^_^
This is actually fantastic, the idea of the ghosts being memories - right? I liked this because I'm into the whole supernatural thing and have heard that some house don;t have ghosts, but memories in their walls - and this is what I felt this poem was about - even though it was about someone's memories... I think.
Your structure worked well and I liked the flow, even though it is different from the usual kind of poems I read. I like the referral to the children with the pale yet bright faces but when I read that back I can;t help but think; how can something be pale, but bright? Maybe you could use something else to describe this. I can;t suggest anything though, as actually I can't think of what would work best, but I do think that it should be replaced.
Other than that, I liked this.
Great poem!
I'm afraid most of my thoughts have already been communicated by somebody else, so I can only agree with them. I loved the imagery, especially in the second stanza, when you talk about their faces. Beautiful. Description without being dull! Bravo!
I agree, the piano seemed just a teensy bit out of place at the end, almost like instead of wrapping it up, you opened up a new corner of it, but it still keeps with the main theme. It's just a different branch of it.
All in all, very good! Keep up the good work!
Goldie
Good use of imagery, well done with that part.
The first part of the poem that actually caught my eye, and why I read the rest of it. You caught my attention in the first few lines, if you fail to do that for any reader, more often than not most people tend to skim through, I know I do usually, and I love poetry.
Um...although I really liked the final verse, I read it and I was a bit like...what the? In my opinion (and this sounds really arrogant, sorry) but the final verse of a poem, of -any- poem, is like the conclusion of an essay, it should cement and hold the point of the poem and round it off neatly, giving the reader the meaning you're trying to impart.
That's about all I can say honestly, nicely written.
Tata mwa!
SS
Ahhh... this is a much better poem, I think, then the first one I critiqued. This one is different because it uses specific imagery and doesn't pretend to say anything significant and, because it didn't seek it, it ended up making even more of an impression. Instead of telling us what we were supposed to feel, you showed us a picture and let us feel it.
Anyway, this is a much better poem. I'll definitely be checking out your work.