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140,552 Literary Works • 673,425 Reviews
Hello and welcome to YWS!
For some reason, I don't really like simlies in poetry. Instead, I would rather have you say, "I fell out of an airplane" and then continuing that metaphor on with how you feel when you fall out of love. Subtlety is key here.
This is something really too simplistic, I think, for poetry. That is, I am not saying that in the literary spectrum, you can't write like this. For instance, in first person fiction, this can be exactly the thing you need. But for poetry, where every single word counts, this simplicity is usually frowned against.
With that said, I think that everyone knows the feeling of falling in love. What makes this poem interesting (and original) is you describing the feeling of falling out of love.
With that said, even though I don't think it fits in the poem, I love the starry sky being compared with the starry eyes.
I really don't think these lines are very strong, especially the last one. It's kind of cheesy. Instead of you telling us what is happening, I would prefer you showing us what we would be feeling.
I like these lines because they tie in with falling out of the plane imagery, but I think you can ut it in a much more concise and pretty way.
Eh... broken dignity sounds a little too strangely construed to work effectively.
This stuff is what kills the poem. Yes, you may think that, but it's not pretty enough to put in poem form, UNLESS you have it in a different format that is freestyle. This isn't frestyle at all, and because of this, those lines fail.
Don't tell us, show us!
I like these lines a lot, especially the use of "rushing" since it's such a soft word and then you have "shame" afterwards which is indeed a strong effect. The only thing I would suggest is to change the word "fizzles" which is too soft for the previous line.
I don't think this ending is strong enough for the rest of the poem. I don't know...
Anyway, I hope that helps!
I won't be as harsh as whence.
. This had its strong points. I think it has potential, and I enjoyed some of your lines and word choice.
I would condense the first few lines - it's repetitive and not subtle enough to be effective. Don't compare it to more than one thing I would say.
"Or any other device
That flies in the air."
These two lines you don't need - you can make your point well enough with a strong simile - that's the idea of such a technique.
I think your tone needs a little work. At times it seemed formal and then you resorted to more informal speech patterns. Doesn't matter which you choose, just be consistent.
Also try cutting out some of the cliches like walking hand in hand along the beach, starry skies, etc. They weaken your work.
Fix some things up and I'd like to read this again!
Ahh.. harshness time.
I only got halfway through. And it was a struggle, at that.
It was either blatantly cliche, or it sounded like rambling. For the former-- If you're saying something that's been said before (in this case; A LOT) then add something new to it. Change it. Make it yours. Own it. For the latter, umm.. just don't do it. Poetry isn't like having a conversation with your friends. It's an art and as such it holds certain standards. Sadly, this fell short of them. Better luck next time. I recommend reading poetry. See what others do right. And more importantly, how they do so. Learn from it, and learn how to twist it to, once again, be your own.
Happy reading.
~Ed