Dirtied Spools of Thread

This is quite a nice piece of poetry you have here. I can really relate too. I particularly liked the second to last verse ("You'll never be fixed, dear...") You've got some really great imagery and description and a dark but original message. I'm sorry I can't help you improve it, if only because I can't really find anything that screams out at me for improvement. Great job!

Thanks for the comments everybody!
I agree about the "stubborn brokeness" being too bulky for that line and changed it to "your stubborn rents would not mend". i hope that sounds better??

Oh, this was beautiful. I think I would have liked if the ending had mentioned something about sewing, that would have been a great image to continue throughout.

Your punctuation in the first stanza irked me, because I couldn't figure out how to read it. I tried to say to myself, "Well, that is the point, you can read it several ways." but it still drove me up a wall and I had to read it a few times. Your words are beautiful, but the punctuation there is messy.

Your stubborn brokenness fell apart again.

I really enjoyed this.

I toiled late into the night,
With needle and golden thread
I worked, trying to sew
Your heart together again.

**The first time I read this it sounded like it rhymed a little, which threw me off later on when I saw you didn't actually have a rhyming pattern.

My sore fingers are red now,
With your blood or mine, I’m not sure;
However quickly I stitched,
Your stubborn brokenness fell apart again.

**I like the repetition of the word again, and it doesn't rhyme here so it's good. "Your stubbon brokenness feel apart again." Was really a beautiful image. Great job there.

Morning’s almost spread her light,
My eyes are tired, yours reproaching:
I’ve failed you, as I always have,
And as soon as you get the chance,

**The last line here, compared to the others before it seems a tad short. I know that it's because you continued the sentence in the other stanza. It just messes with your rhythm a little.

You’ll leave me with my splintered needles,
And spools of dirtied thread;
You’ll try, again, to find another—
Someone else to bind your wounds.

**Nothing really wrong with this. "You'll try, again, to find another..." I think there could be a better way to say this so that it's as good as the rest of your poem. It's not the idea you have, I think it's just the word "again". Maybe find a different word? Just a suggestion.

You’ll never be fixed, dear;
As the sun chases your shadow,
I picture your hollow face,
Hungry cheeks and wasted lips.


So go from door to door,
Holding your hurt in your hands,
Searching for strangers’ pity
With your poor, tattered heart.

**Tattered heart seemed a little cliche. I think you could find a better word other than tattered that goes along with your idea.

Great job on this! I really loved the thread idea throughout the poem. PM me if you have any quesitons or need help with anything!

Keep it up!
~Rieda

Like the others said it was good. I enjoyed reading it. it was kind of cliche but still the whole poem was excellent. I just written a new poem also its called "Loneliness" sad but good.

If you have any questions feel free to PM me ok.

Thanks SimonCowellLuver

Your poem's really cool! It's really personal and tells a great story. It's really touching and, well.... poetic! It's pretty and intricate and I like the fact that there's a really deep understory that allows the imagination to work its wonders.

Definiteyly Super Cool

~Nighfall

Wow. This is gorgeous. The concept behind this is so beautiful and touching. And you used punctuation and capitalization. My only issue, I'd change the colon in line two of stanza three to a period. I like how it changes in the middle of the poem from sympathy pity, to a kind of annoyed pity. Very awesome. Keep writing!

~Yoyo

A lovely poem here, you have a good sense of rhythm and I enjoy your description. I also like how you've ended it, and the meaning you portrayed.

I don't often see poems with the acceptence sewn in (see how I connect to your metaphor? ^^) and I like how you allow her the final word:

"You'll never be fixed, dear;"

Nicely done.

The only problem I found was in this line:

"Your stubborn brokenness fell apart again. "

"brokenness" is an awful word, lol. It throws out the line, and subsequently the poem. Perhaps "cracks" or "pieces"? I like the use of "broken" although I think that was clear... but "brokenness" is too much. ^^

All in all I quite like this. Nice work.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

This was so sad. I just ache for both the person sewing and the one they are trying to mend.

I loved this. The language and the rhythm, and just the message. It really reminded me of the Harry Chapin song "Shooting Star" for some reason. (look up the lyrics and you'll see what I mean) Maybe it was just the lost person and the one who tries to heal them.

Really, really beautiful. You have great talent.

*applause*

~GryphonFledgling

This poem really stood out to me. I loved how you said 'golden thread' instead of just thread. It really added to the mood of this piece. The poem was so unique, yet it touched on a familiar subject, and that's what I really liked.