Thirty Measure Rest

=D I though it was pretty. I have always been a fan of string instruments.(violin and viola the most) I was shocked of how you made the poem flow. It's hard to put music into words of a story or poem, but you made it seem like you have it in a little box somewhere in your room. I felt like I was at the concert/show watching the violinist(or was it a viola?). I honestly thought this would be kind of bad, but I was blown out of my mind. Nice job!

Just a little thing.

You need only sit as you do,
Bow poised over string, silent,
Reveling in the other side of sound,
And my strength melts, my bones ache.

Is this simply a flight of fancy
Induced by a thirty measure rest?
During which my eyes unwillingly
Journey across the theater to you.

This seemed out of place and a bit akward to say. Out loud and in my mind. I love the ideas in it, but the wording was a bit confusing since my mind was click to the ABABCDCD kind of format. So I had to go back and reread it before it clicked in my mind. =D But I don't think it should be changed. D;= I was only pointing it out, deary.

From this poem, I learned I'm a sucker for anything about music. I really enjoyed this poem, and I nearly melted at the ending (yes, melted. I almost "aww..."ed, but I managed to stop myself).

A couple of things I noticed:

Twinflower wrote:Dark eyes beneath black hair match
The midnight forever on your face
The sorrowed, solemn beauty of heartbreak
Rarely broken by a sunlit smile.

You don't have any punctuation right away, but eventually you slide into it. There should be a period at the end of the second line, just to make it a bit smoother.

The others watch you,
Eager admiration in their eyes,
And see the notes excellently executed in time,
Played out in perfect tune.

Great second stanza, except for line three. Totally ruins the flow, because there are just too many words. Plus, I don't like how "excellently executed" sounds out loud. It's too clunky. I would take out "excellently", and change "tune" in the fourth line to "pitch". I'm thinking "perfect pitch" is a better use of alliteration than "excellently executed".

But I see your frame shake,
Your slender arms tremble
As you hunch over the strings
In pain and joy expressed, released
From the cage of your chest.

The thing I noticed right away with this stanza is that, unlike your other four-line stanzas, this has five. I'm not entirely sure that's what you were going for. I would take out the second line here, because if the frame is shaking, obviously the arms would tremble, as they are connected to the frame. No need to be reduntant if you can help it.

I watch and question whether
You need the pages
Of black lines and dots
To make my soul shiver.

I loved this stanza. It just sent chills down my spine.

You need only sit as you do,
Bow poised over string, silent,
Reveling in the other side of sound,
And my strength melts, my bones ache.

I would made the first line in this stanza "You need only to sit as you do", simply for flow.

Is this simply a flight of fancy
Induced by a thirty measure rest?
During which my eyes unwillingly
Journey across the theater to you.

Punctuation in this stanza (which is also chill-inducing) should be a comma at the end of line two, and a question mark at the end of line four.

Other than those little nitpicky things, very well done. I'm excited to read more from you.