I carry you in my bones,
Drag you around in my chest;
You are an unwanted stone
Buried deep into my flesh.
Where are you when I hear
Your voice, singing, it seems,
Whispering in my inner ear
A lullaby spun of dreams.
I'm tired of the empty words,
But still you sing softly--so
Softly humming lonely notes
That haunt this echoing throat.
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140,552 Literary Works • 673,425 Reviews
Erm, not really good with the rythm and words. I think this needs to be revised. Good luck with any future work, Keep up the good work!
-Rick
Hmm, interesting. I'm not a huge fan of the poem overall, but there are a couple of lines that I like. Some of it read awkwardly to me, but I think with a little rephrasing and rearranging of stanzas, this could be nice.
(Of course, you must take all my poetic advice with a grain of salt, since poetry is WAY not my forte.)
The first line is one of the ones I like. It's a cool image. The second line is okay, not as good as the first, but I'd keep it. The third and fourth lines are ick to me. Unwanted stone in my flesh? Gross. But not gross in like a, 'ah, I am changed' kind of way. It makes me think of a tumor or something.
This stanza didn't flow well. I kept waiting for the question mark, but it never came. I think that contributed to the awkwardness.
What about:
Where are you when I hear your voice?
It sings; it seems like a whisper in my ear,
A lullaby spun of dreams.
I know you were going for a rhyme, but it REALLY didn't work. By forcing it to rhyme, I think you ruined what you had going to begin with.
I like this stanza, but the punctuation here, I think, detracts immensely from what is actually said.
What about something like this:
I'm tired of the empty words,
But still you sing softly--so softly,
Humming lonely notes
That haunt this echoing throat.
So yes. Lots of prettiness to work with here. Good luck!
EDIT: Ooh! Forgot to say! Points for being short. Being succinct really saved the poem, I think. Wordiness would have pretty much stabbed it in the spleen, but I think it's brevity made it much better.
I was trying to portray that the person singing was not really real, and so the words the narrator heard were just figments of his/her own imagination.
Also, i don't think "Where are you when I hear" is a complete sentence...the complete idea is "Where are you when i hear your voice"
Just had to clarify that.
I liked your poem, but I thought that it was a bit tooo short.
It didn't really have a good ending, nice rhyming though!
If you made it longer you might even find a better ending that makes more sense and catches the readers attention, you know?
shanan-cat!
I really like this it has the beginnings of a really good poem but Stockmar is right you do need to fix the last stanza. But other than that I really do like this poem. good job keep up the good work
you learn with experience =)
This last stanza doesn't make sense to me. If the other person is "singing" how can the notes haunt your throat?
[quote="Twinflower"]I carry you in my bones,
Drag you around in my chest;
You are an unwanted stone
Buried deep into my flesh.
Where are you when I hear you should have a period at the end of this sentence.
Your voice, singing, it seems,
Whispering in my inner ear
A lullaby spun of dreams.
I'm tired of the empty words,
But still you sing softly--so Period here too.
Softly humming lonely notes
That haunt this echoing throat.[/quote]
I really like the rhyming in it. Well done lad. Watch out for punctionuation errors ok. You fix that you will be ok.
Cool Poem SimonCowellLuver