"You know, Martha, you snore in your sleep." Samuel stated matter-o-factly.
"No wonder my throat hurts when I wake up." Martha mumbled, poking at the wet cement floor. Samuel chuckled, stabbing at the door.
"Or could be your yelling." Martha looked up, shrugged, and continued on with her poking. She was tired and didn't want to fight with her husband. It had been a dry two weeks, no food or water- yet Martha has insisted that the plants outside could contain water. Samuel disagreed, strongly stating that the water could be poisoned from some plants.
He continued working on the door, while Martha continued poking at the wet floor. She was bored; Samuel didn't need her help with anything so she went to poking, as if that could solve the problem on her mind. A little matter, enough to spark some thought and not enough to bother Samuel about it. If anything, it was only a point, not a plan; a question that already had an answer; and an animal that is already hunted. She sighed, standing up and going over to Samuel looking over the work seeing the deep indent it had impacted on it.
"Looks like you aren't going to be done anytime soon."
"Thanks, Captain Obvious." Samuel said sharply, without looking up from his work.
"Why not look for another door? I mean, you aren't going to open this door with a knife that is dulled."
Samuel stopped cutting and looked up. "What?"
"You need a hearing aid."
"I don't understand what you were saying doesn't mean I need a hearing aid!" Samuel yelled.
"Look, you are yelling. Could be you that is snoring." Martha said, retreating to her corner grabbing her back-pack. Samuel pointed a finger, fuming from the mouth but retreated to his place and continuing cutting into the door. Maybe Martha did have a point, digging into this door was pointless since it could literally lead anywhere that is not NAPA. Maybe this whole mission was a fail or rather a test that he couldn't complete. Maybe he shouldn't brought his smart of a wife along, pointing out his mistakes and proving his wrong. Problems among problems, Samuel duly thought.
While he was thinking deeply, Samuel didn't hear his wife state quite clearly that she would find another passage and for him not to worry.
"I'll be right back, so if you don't see me don't worry."
"Mhm," Samuel mumbled, stabbing the door. Martha pulled back the rock, and stepping into the bright sun. She put a hand over her eyes, staring at the long blue sky that was dotted with white clouds and some vultures flying around in the distance- probably a dead animal.
She turned left of the rock building, studying the outside and could see through the small cracks of the boards that blocked the outside from the inside. Her husband was sitting, with his back on the wall stabbing at the ground and softly crying- but of course, Martha had no idea of this as she continued looking at the rocks.
Martha had walked around the rock building, seeing no entrance into NAPA. She decided to take a break by leaning onto a rock structure that was a different color from the rest of the rocks and looked almost glowing. Martha set herself and her backpack down, sitting back on the rock grabbing the last of the water her and Samuel had.
She held it high pouring it into her mouth from a high angle before stuffing the empty water bottle into the pack. She closed her eyes, soon sleeping in the afternoon sun high above her.
_____________________________________________________________________________
Samuel sniffed, wiping his nose on his sleeve looking around the room. Where is Martha? He asked himself before standing up abruptly, dropping the knife on the ground.
"Martha! Martha!" he called out running around like a lost puppy. He peaked behind every corner but saw no his wife. He felt the same sadness rise into his heart, as he returned to his door sitting down with the knife. Samuel looked at the door once more seeing if he should work more when a piece of rock was sticking out from the other rocks. It was smoother than most of the other rocks, and had a different hue than most did. He pulled at it but it didn't budge; he pulled him harder and it still didn't budge.
I wish Martha was here. She would know what to do, Samuel thought, stepping back seeing another stone lodged under it. He pulled which made the previous stone fall with a clash while the door, he was stabbing at finally opened. Samuel blinked as the dust settled around him, bellowing like dust particles when the sun shines through a window.
He stepped forward still holding the stone in his hand, as he looked down the empty, dusty, dark corridor. He coughed, the dust triggering his allergies as he waddled over to his backpack grabbing the flashlight.
I shall man the flashlight, he thought to himself as he stepped into the endless corridor, hoping to find his wife and NAPA.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,820 Reviews
Hi Tuesday!
#NaRevWriMo!
Yay! Now I am all caught up with all the chapters! I like that for the majority of chapter four we have been revisiting characters we have already met and seeing more of their stories. Now we know that Samuel has been able to find an entryway into somewhere although we aren't quite certain where that place is. I hope it does lead to the NAPA. But he doesn't know that Martha won't be there and I wonder what they are going to do as they split. They do keep on arguing and I feel like Martha is such a nice person because despite how cruel Samuel is being to her because she has been right lately, she still wanted to try and help him out. That certainly does take some love! I can't wait until the moment they can both display it to each other. I think this was your best chapter, the one that was the best written and had a good development to it. I actually don't have too much to say at all! You had a mention setting, some good dialogue and the plot is steadily moving forwards.
I would say that I want a bit more insight to Martha and Samuel's appearance still, but aside from that when it comes to plot-points there really is nothing much that I can give you here. I just have to wait for the next chapter, so I am going to keep going with some nitpicks.
The is should be was so that we keep in past tense! I have seen this in past chapters as well. It isn't often but every now and again you'll switch to present tense, so make sure you stick to the past tense.
This was a bit of a run on sentence without the commas! I needed some more pauses in this sentence. I think there needs to be an 'and' between the words Samuel and looking. I would put a full stop after the work. Then the rest of the sentence could start with 'She saw the deep indent... etc' to make it a complete sentence on its own.
You are missing the word 'have' after shouldn't.
The second his should be him.
Around the room? That doesn't make sense because the impression you'd given me this whole time was that they were out in the open looking for a door inwards. So he would actually be scanning the landscape or looking across the plain. But no mention of a room because they aren't actually indoors!
*peeked.
Also, I think the ending of the sentence should be 'but he could not see his wife.'
That's all I have to say! It really has been a pleasure of mine, Tuesday, to read your novel thus far. I would love to keep reading if you are going to be posting more! So just let me know whenever you have another chapter up, and comment on my wall or something. I'm looking forward to it!
Deanie x
Hello!
) and from what I can tell is that this is Samuel and Martha trying to get into NAPA- and to expose it to the outside world (correct?)
Stegosaurus here for a review!
Sad to hear you left D: because this is such a lovely piece of work you have here (and this review doesn't base off any of the previous chapters so bear with me ^^). I liked the beginning of this and as I can infer is that Samuel and Martha are married? If so, you should make them more of a couple and not some friends who just met- you know what I mean?
Also I found the dialogue bit draggy and hard to follow- however this chapter is a good one, I can give you that. From what I have heard, this is about a mutant goat (where on Earth did you come up with an idea for that
Where Samuel tries to break free the flashlight, it seems a bit rushes and unrealistic. Try reading some works that involve some actions such as that; or you could reread it all and edit, totally up to you! All I am saying, is that it seemed to drag me away from the point. I loved the characters in here yet you don't seem to give enough details about the setting. Are they in a mouth of a monster? A cave?
I would suggest adding more- but not a lot more that is over swamps what you are writing; enough to make sense and give an awesome picture for the reader when they read this.
Overall, this was a lovely chapter! I love to read more of this when you come back- or I could just go over and review the rest of your chapters if I get the time to
Steggy
Hello Tuesday!
Even though you are gone, I hope you come back to keep up writing this. ^-^
Again, most of the problems I'm finding in here are with the dialogue. Some of it is just not as realistic as it could be. This is just a couple saying what they say in the heat of the moment, not planning it out or giving it any forethought. You can include some more contractions: "it's" "that's" etc.
First, I think you need a comma rather than a period after the dialogue. Also, the "wet cement floor" makes me think that the cement hasn't hardened. Although that seems to be the best way to say it... perhaps there is a different way?
Hm, perhaps a better way to phrase this as well? Something like, "I can hear what you're saying, I just don't understand you! I don't need a hearing aid."
Martha is still willing to help Samuel? I would think she would just leave for home and try to get food and water- but maybe that's not the case.
Anyway, I'm still very much enjoying this! Please please come back to write more. I'll be waiting to review. Great job!
-Falco