It was raining. Sarah woke up with a headache, groaning and turning from side to side while Samson was nestled quietly next to her on the floor. She turned towards the door of her bedroom, staring down a dark, gloomy hallway as Sarah dropped her feet to meet the cool wood floor. She shivered, sitting on the bed and collecting her thoughts before glancing at her clock. 3:23 in the afternoon. Sarah stifled a yawn before getting off the bed, jerking Samson to a wake. Samson yawned before eyeing his owner then falling asleep once again.
Sarah trudged down the hallway, letting her hand rest on the railing. She sighed, her head down as she stepped down the steps. It was eerily quiet, not counting the ticking of the grandfather clock downstairs in the living room. Everything was still. The rain falling lighting on the roof, the groans and creaks of the house moving, and shuffling of Sarah’s feet along the carpeted floor. Time was also slower, draining the countless minutes of being gloom and depressing Sarah even more.
She walked into the kitchen, not minding to turn on the light as she sat down onto a stool before groaning and leaning her head down onto the corner. While she was crying, outside of the house was the creature roaming around in the rain the mud sticking to his paws and hooves. He groaned, sitting down on a rock picking at the mud while the rain made his fur slick and shiny.
“Mud of all things,” the creature stated aloud before dropping his leg and looking at the house in front of him. He tilted his head, examining it before standing up and walking towards it, his movements short and fast as if he discovered something. The creature ran his hands along the house, feeling the plastic lining and looking up at the windows before standing back.
“What is this? A building? Needs a name,” he said as the creature skipped in mud, moving into some grass. The creature looked down moving his hooves into the grass. Such a wonderful feeling, he thought to himself as the creature shook his head, sliding to see the front. Rocking chairs, potted plants, bins with miscellaneous items spewing out. Walking towards the steps of the house, the creature looked at the door.
He moved from the door, pecking through the window and noticed it was dark inside. “Seems reasonable,” he said before shaking his head. The creature began to wonder if he could find a home inside this building as he wander back to the door, looking up with a paw to his mouth. He looked around for a way in but only two things came to his mind: either break the window with his horns or try to open the door (which was taller than he).
He tilted his head towards the glass window, walking over in a deep thought as the creature patted the glass with a paw.
“Only a few inches thick. Easily broken with one hit,” he mumbled to himself, as he stepped back. He walked around, running his paw once again along the side of the house. He stopped at an open window and decided that could be the way in, but how could he make it through a window that was several feet taller than he? The creature tilted his head, pushed a chair to the window, climbed onto it, and climbed into the house.
The creature shivered, realizing it was gelid inside the house. He walked around the carpeted floor and in breathed in the sight of the inside of house; the mirrors reflections his dirty, wet fur and his cat like eyes that moved over his reflection. He continued on his way, exploring the house while running his paw on the bars of the banister while made a clucking noise. The creature climbed up to the banister and decided to slide down it to reach the bottom faster. It was a stupid idea as most would say, but he continued with it as both short stubby legs over the sides and slid down. He tried to hold onto the front of him but as the result of that, he fell fast face forward which caused a loud bump.
Sarah jolted from her depression at the sound. She knotted her eyebrows, as she got up from the stool and walked towards the noise. She grabbed a pan, just in case.
“Who’s there?” she asked wearily, griping the frying pan as protection. The creature laid groaning the pain spreading throughout his body. The creature sat up, holding hits head feeling around for blood then looked at his paw; nothing. He breathed a sigh and heard footstep coming from another room, as he scrambled up quickly and tried to look around for a place to hide.
Before he could run to a hiding spot, Sarah came around the corner and screamed. The creature let out a goat scream.
“Why are you in my house, you vermin?” Sarah shirked.
“I am not a vermin. I am a goat with a name. There is a difference,” The creature stated flatly.
“Oh, what is your name then?”
“Wack. Billi Wack, thank you. Not a nice welcome.”
“You are in my house.”
“Yes, but I thought it was empty. Don’t see how that is a big issue.”
“Did you not hear what I said before?”
“I did. You clearly stated this was your house.”
Sarah groaned as Billi walked pass towards the kitchen.
“Do you happen to have milk?” asked Billi as Sarah shook her head, grumbling under her breath.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Lol, Tuesday just like chapter one of this story I love chapter two. You did a great job with the plot twist to. The whole time I thought Billi was going to be like a detective or something, but he is really a goat. I was able to read this fine and did not see any mistakes. I love Billi personality, reminds me of my cousin, who has a smart mouth to. But that's what made me laugh. "“You are in my house.”
“Yes, but I thought it was empty. Don’t see how that is a big issue.”
“Did you not hear what I said before?”
“I did. You clearly stated this was your house.”" This was the best part in your chapter
Hi Tuesday!
#NaRevWriMo
I read the previous chapter so I would understand what has happening in this one! I didn't review it because I thought it had quite a few detailed reviews and there wasn't really anything more I could add. So instead I will focus on this chapter and hopefully be reading some more in the future! I wanted to try it because I saw you entered it for the LMS challenge and I have been following your for a while and never read one of your works! What better to try than your novel?
I like how unique your story is so far! It really isn't anything I have read before. At first you don't give a name to the creature - which turns out to be Billi - and when I was reading I thought we need some more details on what the creature looks like and what exactly it is, etc. But what you did which was so clever was gradually give us little hints as to what kind of creature he by mentioning him being too short to open a door, unable to slide down banisters and so on. I still couldn't guess what creature he was until you mentioned it though! I just love how you left little clues for us, and I can't wait to see what you are going to do with these ideas you have set up so far. A mourning woman, a dog, and a talking goat. The possibilities are definitely endless
What I would like to see in this chapter is a few more connections. You mention it raining and that the weather is bad but never do you mention Sarah's mood and the weather in the same sentence. Mention that looking at the dreary weather makes her feel like the world is in tune with her emotions, or do something else to show a connection between the two. You mention a lot of things that should relate to each other (noting this from the previous chapter) but you never quite match them up. You sort of have to assume the reader is incapable of doing this themselves, although they most likely are.
I feel like she shouldn't be able to tell that Kevin is dead for sure. I know a previous reviewer has already touched upon this so I won't linger there for too long. But how is that she knows for sure? Is she still secretly clinging to some sort of hope that he is okay? Because if that is the case than she shouldn't be feeling as upset as she does. But if she is completely sure he is dead she must have had some suspicions that this might have happened before it did? You are fairly vague with Kevin's death to begin with, and I am not entirely sure how he actually ended his life. Maybe you need to make that more clear in the previous chapter? I am presuming he forced a car crash and committed suicide from the sound of things, but it could also have been an accidental car crash or something. If that is the case then he definitely wouldn't have had the time to pick up the phone and make that call... you can see why I am confused xD But whichever way things go, it will effect how Sarah responds to it!0
I think you can work on the setting a little bit more in this chapter. You do quite a lot of it actually, especially from Billi's point of view when he is outside for the house and looking in. But I wanted a bit more expansion on the images you already paint. You mention that the house is making the usual creaks and sounds as it always does. But maybe Sarah will note the quietness because Kevin is not there like he usually is to lighten the mornings with his chatter or energy (or whatever he was like.) You can connect the sounds to her loneliness that way.
One thing that seemed a bit unrealistic was that Sarah seemed to be highly offended and shocked that a goat had walked into her house and was about doing his business. Yet she didn't seem to bat an eyelid the moment that goat started talking. Is it just me or is that not everyday business? If we're living in the kind of world where talking animals is usual then maybe that needs to be mentioned before this moment. If that isn't the case, you need Sarah's shock to be more pronounced and for her to take a while to believe this is reality.
Time for some nitpicks!
You use the word 'down' twice in this sentence and it is quite a bit of repetition. If you change the first down to 'hung' instead, it has the same meaning but is using a different word.
I think you mean 'lightly' instead of lighting.
You seem to use close repetition quite a bit? It isn't really necessary to include because you end up having the reader read the same information twice, which they generally don't need to do. I would suggest changing this sentence to 'as the creature skipping in mud. He looked at his hooves as he jumped from the mud and crossed over into grass.
I would put all the thoughts of the creature in italics. It's just a nice way to make a distinction between thoughts and narrative and is easier on the reader.
Even though these two sentences are with a paragraph separating them, they are practically sentences next to each other and have close repetition of the word 'door' again! I would say that we don't need any mention of him looking at the door anyway because it isn't of any real important. Just go from him walking the steps of the house towards the door to the window peeking.
Keep it to past tense! Which means you need to make it 'wandered' instead.
We have some close repetition of the word 'looking'. I would make the second one searched instead, simply replacing with a synonym.
Most close repetition. You have mentioned that the window is glass already, so we don't need it to be repeated a second time. I think the first time you say glass you should just get rid of it because it isn't necessary and the second sentence doesn't make any sense with much else used instead.
The second word in this sentence can be cut because it isn't needed and doesn't make sense.
You're missing the word 'he' between while and made.
*gripping
You're missing the word 'as' between groaning and pain. And I think you mean holding 'its' head and not hits.
These two first chapters were very good ones and I am looking forward to seeing where this story is going! I had a lot of nitpicks because the writing style could use a bit of neatening up but that will all come in time. If all the chapters are as creative as this one, it is going to be a very enjoyable read. I'll be back for the next chapter soon.
Deanie x
Heya, Chrissy here for a review!
I'm back. Here for chapter two. Your goat is a bit either conceited or just clueless. Took over the house, didn't he? XD I wonder if he found any milk... Okay, here I go.
This is two thought that you tried to jam into one. Two separate actions. When you wake up do you wake up groaning and rolling around? The waking up is before you start rolling around. You need to separate the two.
You need to work on showing, not telling. Up there you say she woke up with a headache. Instead of saying that she woke up with a headache have her wake up then reach up and press the palm of her hand against her forehead. And maybe she can wince. And instead of saying that Samson was right next to here try talking about his warmth against her side. Little things like that. A writers job is too say something in the most roundabout way you can. It is little things that carry the message across.
A rail in the hallway? In the next part we see that she is really on the stairs, but this part threw me off. You need to fix this.
A most logical idea, wouldn't you say? lol I love your goat, Billi is awesome.
This is my favorite part in the entire chapter. He is so clueless. I'm not really sure he knows he is being annoying.
Well, that's it for this chapter. Good job, awesome read. You have a couple things to fix, but doesn't everyone? See you soon in chapter three!
KEEP WRITING!
Heya, Tuesday!
#Tangled
I read the first chapter too, so in this review I'll be analyzing things from both splendid pieces you have posted, if that's alright.
Writing recommendations
Don't tell me he has hands, too! You probably meant to say paws.
I had never heard of that word before. After looking it up, I found that is, indeed, a synonym for cold. Nevertheless, it's out of place here. Even if you put "chilly" or "cool" or any other word for "cold" instead, you can do a lot better. Instead of telling the reader that it's cold, show us! Why is it cold? Is the AC on? It's raining so I don't know why Sarah would keep the house colder inside than outside, but Billi shivers so it must be.
Repetition is good, but not all the time. If you want to keep both screams, try this: "The creature, in turn, let out a goat scream." That little "in turn" thing basically tells the reader that yeah, that repetition was on purpose. On the other hand, you can replace one of the "screams" with shrieked or any other suitable synonym you can come up with.
Kevin's death
Gosh, poor Kevin. And then the goat tried to eat him. Not very nice, Billi.
I liked how Kevin knew he was about die and his last words to his wife were that he loved her, but Sarah's reaction was terribly unrealistic. I mean, the crying wasn't, but is that all she is going to do, cry herself to sleep? For one thing, she can't be 100% certain that Kevin, the love of her life, is dead. For all she knows, he could have just passed out. If I were her, I would try to go find him or at least call the police before crumpling into a ball of sorrow and hopelessness.
In this chapter, Kevin isn't even mentioned again. Sarah woke up depressed and it's raining outside—a nice touch—but perhaps we should be able to see into what she is thinking more. Maybe she should wake up and sob with fresh tears when she sees a picture of him propped on her dresser. Maybe she should turn over and find that he isn't next to her in bed, and the sickening realization settles over her again.
Billi Wack
This goat hybrid creature is quite the character. He eats other animals, speaks English, has hooves and paws, peers at prey with cat-like eyes, and has a yearning for milk. If I had to summarize him in one word, my choice would be "unique." My assumption is that he's half goat and half cat, but so far the descriptions of him are evasive and vague, like you don't want to reveal any of his secret yet, so that's only a guess.
If a creature that resembled anything close to Mr. Billi Wack, I believe that my reaction would be very very very very different than Sarah's. She says, “Why are you in my house, you vermin?” like Billi is an intelligent rat. Vermin. Her reaction should be a little more realistic. Imagine what you would do if a creature like Billi walked into your house. Find the nearest exit? Run to your bedroom? Call 911? Grabbing the pan was a good idea, but I wouldn't have grabbed it "just in case." I would have grabbed it to save my life!
"As" infers that Sarah is shaking her head as Billi is asking the question, which doesn't make much sense (unless she can read a goat hybrid's mind). I would simply change that to "and."
Billi also knows how to get around. Kevin's truck fell off the cliff? No problemo, Billi will still manags to search his pockets and eat some of him. Saw a picture of Kevin's wife? Cool, Billi will somehow find his way to their house and ask for milk. I thought he was going to eat her too, but I guess not. Maybe he only likes animals. Watch out, Samson (who should have been chasing Billi by now, actually)!
Where on earth did Billi come from, anyway? I'm thinking that he's from either some crazy science experiment or outer space aliens.
Descriptions
From what I can tell, you're pretty good with your descriptions. My favorite was Billi's sleek coat in the rain. Nice job!
There's still a lot more you can describe, though! First: Billi. He still deserves a proper full-body description. His color, his size, his tail, his legs, his horns. Next: Sarah. Subtle little sentences like "tears brimmed on the edge of her dove gray eyes" will go a long, long way when the reader pictures your character in their head. And her dog, too. I'm picturing Samson to be a yellow lab, but I don't believe you've actually meantioned his breed.
Conclusion
The last part of your title, "The Story of Mystery," promises that this isn't going to be just any tale about a screaming goat. It's going to contain mystery, adventure, and hopefully nothing short of humor. I don't know how the idea to write this book came into your mind, but I have certainly enjoyed the fruit of your imagination thus far. Your writing is very good, and you've managed to create a thoroughly entertaining couple of chapters. Bravo! Like I said earlier, Billi is quite the character.
I hoped I helped! I'll be looking for the next chapter.
Write, write, write!
Just a couple of suggestions.
"She shivered, sitting on the bed and collecting her thoughts before glancing at her clock. 3:23 in the afternoon."
She shivered, and glanced at the clock. 3:23 in the afternoon. I think it works better without collecting her thoughts. Jumps right into it.
"While she was crying, outside of the house was the creature roaming around in the rain the mud sticking to his paws and hooves. He groaned, sitting down on a rock picking at the mud while the rain made his fur slick and shiny."
While she cried, outside the creature roamed free in the rain. The mud stuck to his paws and hooves.
I don't know much about the creature, and I'm guessing the pov is 3rd omniscience. (A very hard pov to pull off, but I think you're doing fine with it.) He seems friendly, and curious. You state he's a goat but then say he has paws and hooves. Which is it? If he's just a regular goat then I'd stick with hooves.
Overall it's an interesting premise you've got working. A little strange, and mysterious as it should start. Things as a reader that I'm excited to know about more: Sarah, and why she was so sad. Then of course the goat, and if he is a regular goat that talks or like an alien of some kind. Also how did he get there? It's interesting, and you kept it engaging. Be careful not to get too fancy with tags. Stick with the creature said, Sarah asked. Readers don't notice them as much. Also avoid using was too much, it detracts from the story you're telling. It was great, it was sad, it was boring to read. That's at least what they say, I have the same issue.
Other than that I'd say its good, some good description in it. This is my first review so I'm not sure if there are other things I need to mention.
I was wondering why a stool would be in the kitchen? Or did you mean dining room?