“What do you mean we are stuck?” Martha knit her brows and stared at her hiking partner.
“I mean we are stuck. Now shut up. Someone might hear us.” Samuel said, dropping his backpack.
“Which is good because someone can save us!”
“Martha. Shush it.” Samuel said, as he ran his fingers along the rock door.
“You want us to die here… I rather die with someone else than you.”
“I take that an offense.”
“You should,” Martha sighed as she huddled her knees. Her brown hair fell over like a waterfall while her bottom was getting wet, from the floor. It was a trip gone wrong, as most would say. Hiking in the canyons at night with only a mini flashlight and only tiny tins of food that could only last five hours between the two. He didn’t listen to her, muttering that it would go horribly wrong because of the beasts that wander around the abandoned residence. All he wanted was the hope of finding the secret location of NAPA, proving to the world that it was still there, locked behind a door.
“Samuel, I’m cold.”
“Well find a blanket, then.” he groaned, walking over to his backpack. Samuel pulled out a knife, the light glinting its edge and walked back to the door. He ran the knife along the edge of so thought door, it cracking rocks off. Martha stood up, taking her backpack off and tried to find a blanket but didn’t find one. She sighed, returning to her place and looked at her husband.
It wasn’t her idea to come with him; it was the government’s idea. They had given them everything they needed to go into the famous Billiwhack Dairy and her husband said yes, before they could tell him the danger there.
“You seem excited for this, Mr. Finnish. May I ask why?” a lady had asked.
Samuel smiled. “It is purely for the joy of seeing if NAPA exists but also for the thrill of leaving this horrible place.” Martha had no say in this and only found out a day before they left, making her mad and hit Samuel with a shoe. A high-heeled shoe.
“Are we done yet?” Martha whined as Samuel stabbed the knife into the door once again.
“No, we aren’t. Quit asking me every five minutes, Martha.”
“It is just a question. Don’t need to get bent about it.”
Samuel looked back. “You know what? I didn’t even want you here. You didn’t have to come with me. You could have stayed home, watching your many soap operas. Your choice was not decided by me or the government. So if you could shut the fuck up, for five minutes that would be great. Because you are weighing me down.” He pointed to the door, “I could have got this open five minutes ago but you are fucking making me worrying about you. ‘I need water. I am cold, Samuel’. Have you thought about me, Martha? Huh? No? Well you can just fucking go back home, watching your stupid soap operas, and I rather die alone than with you,” he fumed.
Martha stared, her mouth moving but nothing coming out. It had been months since Samuel had cussed or even yelled at her. The last time her husband had yelled at her when he came back from the bar drunk. She rested her head on her knees, staring down at her feet and cried. Samuel didn’t mind his wife crying as he continued his work on the door, stabbing around. Martha sniffed, wiping her nose on her shirt sleeve as her eyebrows were knotted.
“Stop crying. It is distracting me,” Samuel snapped.
“How am I not to cry when you yelled at me?”
"Build a bridge and get over it, Martha.”
Martha shook her head, looking at the wall. There were hidden messages on the wall, sketched in and drawn pictures fading. She ran her hand over these then running her finger nail along the indents feeling the people’s souls that drew this.
“The work done into these,” she muttered to herself, her eyes wandering along as Samuel turned back staring at his wife then the wall. His eyes widened, as he stuffed the knife into his backpack and sloppily ran over sitting next to his wife.
“These are beautiful,” he breathed, as he ran a hand over the pictures.
“What are these?”
“A language of the Indians that helped the NAPA. The Indians helped with getting the animals for the experiments then were rewarded with food and shelter. Some were killed, however as they would sometimes help the animals escape or whatnot. These pictures are the descriptions of the experiments NAPA did also, “he explained as he looked closely. “Also words, as terms of escape or a map. But the most important thing is it shows how to get into NAPA.”
Samuel stood up abruptly, starling Martha.
“You cannot even read this. How do you suppose us going to get in?” Martha
“We have Google Translate. It can help with almost everything.”
“Google Translate works with most things. This is old and if I remember correctly, there is no Wi-Fi in this place because it is abandoned.”
“You just have to ruin my fun, don’t you?”
Martha shrugged, continuing looking at the pictures. Samuel rolled his eyes and pulled out his phone, pulling up Google Translate app. He walked over to where Martha was, squatting and took a picture of picture. He then stood up, playing with the app.
"Well, would you look at that?" Samuel thought aloud.
"What?"
Samuel got down on a knee and showed Martha the phone screen.
"All I see is gibberish," Martha concluded. Samuel nodded. He pocketed the phone, running his hands through his blonde hair and pacing around the room.
“See Google Translate, doesn’t work even with this old language. So for all we know that could be wrong,” Martha said.
“I just want to go in. Why does it have to be harder than they do in the movies?”
“Because in movies, they use things called props. And green screens. Also-“
“I get the idea, Martha. One of the reasons why I didn’t want you to come.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Lol, I really do love this chapter. I see what you did here. You introduce us to Billi wack in chapter 2 but then introduce us to his pursuers in chapter 3. May I ask why did you do it this way? It's driving me up a wall as I am over whelm with anticipation as I eagerly wait to read chapter four. I love this story and really do not have nothing to say about your grammar or misspellings. You wrote beautifully and I love reading it Tuesday.
Hi Tuesday!
#NaRevWriMo!
I am back again to continue reviewing this novel! I see that you have edited this one, which is why I am going to pull out all things I think might need addressing whether or not they have previously been mentioned or not just in case you missed them out while editing and re-writing, okay? First things first, I find the addition of these two characters pretty interesting in general, as well as the organisation NAPA. We don't yet know why the NAPA are such bad people except for the fact that the government wants them and that they experimented on animals and punished people for letting them go. I am looking forward to seeing more of what crimes they have committed to deserve being hunted like this, and I also look forward to seeing more of how they tie into the story. I liked the back and fourth with Martha and Samuel, especially when it came to them forgetting their argument as they looked at the cave wall with fascination. I definitely believe that is the way things work!
It did seem a bit strange that Martha was on the trip. She mentioned that she hadn't wanted to go in the first place because she had ended up throwing a high heeled shoe (ouch) in his direction, and we know she doesn't want to be there now, and on top of that we also know that she wasn't even required to come! So I think it would be wise of you to give a reason for her being there, or even get her character to tell it to Samuel. Simply because it leaves the reader wondering why she actually is there at all. On top of that, it seems a bit strange that she is there because she is a liability. If the government have sent Samuel in to investigation I assume it is because he has been trained. But you make no mention of Martha being trained to handle this kind of thing (what is her job anyway?) so if she is there and not trained it doesn't make any sense and isn't realistic as well.
We got two nice new characters here and I liked both of their individual personalities. But the one thing I didn't see but I wanted to see was some character description. I want to know what Martha is looking like in more detail when she gets mentioned. Oh, and we know basically nothing about Jake apparent from his career and his sharpness. So i think a bit of description there is very welcome.
Martha was incredibly angry about the short notice at which they were leaving, and this time I am confused for an entirely different reason than she wasn't banned or punished hard enough. I think it is probably because of plans, or a job, or something she has scheduled to do and feels super upset to miss. If there is anything, let the reader know or think on this some more until you get the idea what it could be.
I get the impression that this couple do fight a lot and get on each other nerves, but I do think they love each other as well. Otherwise they probably wouldn't be a couple. But in the space of this chapter I also wanted to see some of that relationship shining through as well! So do show some of the affections at times, even if it is underlined with teasing or from an argument that just happened.
Onto the nitpick time!
I know Wolfie already pulled this one out, but because of previously said statements you know why I am repeating.
There should be the word 'an' between the last two words.
Hair doesn't just fall over by itself! I don't think you meant to personalise this though. What is her hair supposed to be falling over? Over her shoulder? Over her arm? Let us know.
Only, only, only. We see it thrice in this one sentence! Do remember that just saying only one at the beginning of the list is enough for us to all understand that by 'only' you are referring to all the things on the list.
Because of that comma you lose me a little bit and I am not sure who is talking, him or her. Because of what is being said I would say her, and in that case you would need to put 'she muttered that it would... etc'
Should be glinting on it's edge. Missing that little word <--
Rephrasing and wording to make it flow smoother and be easier to get the message across. My suggestion: He ran the knife along the edge of the so-called door, which cracked the rocks off.
It should either be mad enough to hit Samuel, or mad. She hit Samuel... and therefore making it two sentences!
That was all I had to say, which wasn't as much as the previous chapter but I still hope it helps somehow!
Deanie x
Hi Tuesday!
Sorry I haven't kept up with these.
Anyway:
Wow. Suddenly we have new characters! They should link back into the main plot sometime soon...
Perhaps "I'd" would work rather than I here.
I found this in a lot of your dialogue. You use "it is" or "do not" rather than it's or don't. It's fine to have the two words, but it doesn't quite fit with how I perceive Martha's character. They're both normal people, and I think they would casually use contractions on a regular basis. Try reading some things out loud to help.
Okay, I was definitely not expecting the burst of language here! Maybe you could include a little warning?
Lastly, I just couldn't get a good grasp of the setting. It said canyons and abandoned estates? There is clearly something like stone door there that they are trying to get into, with beautiful drawings, but we don't know much else about the scene. If you could describe a little bit where Martha and Samuel are, that might help a bit.
Also, I wanted to know why they were selected by the government for this job. Are they special? Why wouldn't the government just do it themselves?
Anyway, it was still a great chapter. Can't wait to read further!
-Falco
Hello again, Tues~ Wolfie here to review! This chapter is definitely my favorite so far.
Recommendations and thoughts as I read...
I like that you started out the chapter with dialogue, but because the transition between chapters is so awkward, ease up on the reader a little more. By all means, keep the dialogue at the beginning, but to make things a lot less confusing you'll need dialogue tags and some descriptions of the setting sprinkled in. It isn't until the fourth line where we know the name and gender of the speaker, and that it's clearly not Billi or Sarah. Start by adding onto the first line; something like this: "'What do you mean we are stuck?' Martha knit her brows and stared at her hiking partner." That little sentence I added tells the reader several things:
(A)Her name is Martha.
(B)There is another character with her.
(C)They're hiking [setting].
(D)This chapter isn't a continuation of the last.
These are all things the reader should be introduced to right off the bat. I think the last point is most important because I came into this chapter thinking that Sarah and Billi had wandered into the kitchen or something, it was pitch black, and they were "stuck."
The traditional "offense" saying has that extra word. Also, since Samuel uses the present tense "take," Martha should also reply in present tense. Getting rid of "have" takes care of that.
This should be "find" instead.
Since we're going even further into the past tense, you'll need that "had" to emphasize the time change.
Language >.< I know you warned that there was going to be some on your wall post, but you need to have a rating on this work, too! You don't want an innocent ten-year-old to stumble upon Samuel's outburst.
"Are" maybe?
Here's where you're going to need some more dialogue tags, because I'm not sure who's speaking here. I'm pretty sure it's Martha, but when first reading through I thought it was Samuel.
Martha's right! How on earth can Sam use Google Translate so easily? There can't be any WiFi, and Native American languages are sparsely in use anymore. I just looked it up, and Google Translate is definitely incapable of translating any Native American languages. Nor is any other site, it seems, particularly because each tribe had a different variation. I know that the translator seemed to spit out sentences of gibberish, but some of it makes a good deal of sense, when none of it should. "Be wary." That seems completely legitimate. If the first problem (no WiFi) is explained and Samuel can use Google Translate at all, what he should get back is absolute gibberish instead.
You missed one little letter!
What does NAPA stand for? Google says it's National Automotive Parts Association, which I highly doubt is your definition. Maybe Native American Peace Association? National Animal Parts Association? xD Again, much doubt about those too.
Samuel and Martha
Very nice job with characterization of these two. They seem to be the perfect irritated and wealthy (it seems like they're rich to me, at least) couple who are simply fed up from all these years of dealing with one another. From what I've gathered in this chapter, they have similar personality traits: selfishness, selfishness, and selfishness. Martha at least deserves an apology for Sam's outburst, though. If you want the reader to dislike the character of Samuel, you've succeeded. I don't like Martha too much either, but Sam's enough of a foil to make me feel sorry for her.
About Samuel's outburst. I actually found it authentically-written, and the language isn't an issue as long as you add a proper rating to this work. But if this is the first time that Samuel has yelled at her, I feel like Martha's reaction was lacking. The crying? That's good. But I feel like there should be more anger and shock in there, too. She recovers wayyy too quickly and starts tracing her fingernail over the hieroglyphics (WOAH I spelled that right!) and Sam's cussing is pretty much forgotten. If I were her, I would want at least a feeble "sorry" from him. Martha seems to know, however, that she isn't getting one, and if she believes that, it surprises me that this is the first time Sam has yelled at her like that.
Dialogue and descriptions
One thing's for certain: you know how to write authentic dialogue. This chapter part is full of humorous lines, plot-wise important lines, and characterization lines. You could use some more dialogue tags here and there, but otherwise you have it down.
Descriptions, on the other hand, were few in this chapter. I don't mean just about the setting or physical character descriptions, but also some descriptions about our character's past. Info dumps tend to be boring to read and to write, but there's hardly been a spoonful of background about Sam and Martha. How old are they? Are they married? How did Samuel get this government offer? You can easily sprinkle some of these points in between the dialogue.
Overall
I really enjoyed reading this. It was a lot more realistic than Billi's chapters, that's for sure. With this mysterious exploration of the abandoned NAPA headquarters taking place, I can definitely sense some things about the crazy mutant goat and it coming together, too. You've clearly taken the time to think this book through; nice job!
Like I said, this chapter was particularly strong because it's realistic. As a reader, it's much better to read something that I can relate to real life. People hiking and studying hieroglyphs? That makes sense. A meat-eating goat wandering into a kitchen and asking for milk? Not as much. Billi's a crazy character, but that's okay, as long as you can make his story as realistic as you can.
Write, write, write!