“Mr. Finnish is a surprise competitor for this… plan, sir.” The lady asked, holding the folder closer to her chest. A man was at the desk, his hands on his face grumbling about not eating in the past hour or something. He slicked his hair back with his hand, then settled it on the desk looking at the lady across from him.
“Ms. Fern, we decided to have Mr. Finnish because he seems… put up for the challenge as I would say. Out of the dozen of men we have chosen, out of the possible outcomes, and out of the spite of me I choose Mr. Finnish because he is challenged enough.”
“So should I go tell him now, sir?”
The man raised an eyebrow before leaning back into his chair. “Why not?” He stated before adding ‘make sure he doesn’t tell anyone’ look as Ms. Fern smirked out. The man chuckled looking up at the ceiling, counting the squares only to come up to fifty. He looked out the window at the surrounding place; desert everywhere except for the solar trees outside- the company had wanted to have trees that saved energy and gave air to everyone.
The man put his legs down, realizing he was going to forget about what he had to do. He picked up his phone, and dialed a number.
Ms. Fern walked down the hall, papers in hand. She had been working here for seven years, dealing with all the manager’s problems and work related ideas. Sometimes it would deal with the plans for his daughter’s fifteen birthday, giving her a gift of a bunny rabbit or a possible card with money. Ms. Fern was on it. She enjoyed it, having that she couldn’t have kids and liked to watch the little children run around, their arms out trying to play tag.
She stopped in front of an elevator door, glancing at the buttons on the side. She pressed the up button, blinking before looking back at the door. The sound of the elevator mumbled quietly, sliding upwards towards Ms. Fern. She shuffled the papers, sometimes looking over at the numbers of floors the building had. Fifty seven floors and counting. Her manager had wanted the building to be earthquake, flood, tornado (although it was highly unlikely), and other natural events. Ms. Fern was highly skeptical about it all, as she would be out of town if anything would happen- plan ahead of anytime, she would say.
The elevator chimed, signaling it was time to go up more rows of rows building to the top. She stepped in, sighing at the sight. She never liked elevator, had a horrible problem as a child with them. Going onto a ride with them as it dropped down but after coming to her workplace, her fear seemed to slip away. All in the movies, some would tell her as they walked into the elevator and something happening to them the next hour or something.
She stepped into the elevator, jabbing the floor she needed to go as she lifted upwards to the next floor. It was a glass elevator, making you more scared by the minutes of being who knows how many feet up in the air. The elevator stopped, the groaning of the chains of the elevator made Ms. Fern wary as she stepped out and onto the floor.
Around her was glass dividers with people inside, people being interviewed for this job. She smiled at some people, glancing up then looking down at the papers in front of them. Little did they know, someone had been chosen as the rep for this important job. Ms. Fern continued to walk down the vestibules until she saw a musty door with swirls of dust and other things. She sighed, as she reached for the handle.
Inside was Mr. Finnish and Donna Herkins, the main clerk of the area. She looked up to see Ms. Fern standing in the doorway and smiled.
“Good day, Rebecca. I am just in the middle of asking Mr. Finnish some questions.”
“Well aware of this, Donna,” Ms. Fern stated. She set a pile of papers on the desk, neat and stacked as she sat on the edge of the desk. She looked at Mr. Finnish with a wondrous look, running her eyes over his body before coughing.
“You seem excited for this, Mr. Finnish. May I ask why?”
Mr. Finnish looked up and grinned. Donna had asked this question before and he had answered honestly. He sat up in his seat, adjusting before looking at Ms. Fern with a content face.
“It is purely for the joy of seeing if NAPA exists but also for the thrill of leaving this horrible place,” he automatically stated. Ms. Fern pressed her lips together, rubbing her hands.
“Yes I know that. I can see that in Donna’s notes. But why?”
Mr. Finnish looked sideways at Ms. Fern. “I just want to help see if NAPA truly existed, and to help the company. But what I don’t get is why I was randomly chosen? All I was a clerk in a local store, only way my wife and I survive with bills.”
“Oh, you are married then?”
Mr. Finnish nodded, glancing out the window.
“You know, Mr. Finnish, you cannot tell your wife this.”
“I wasn’t planning to in the first place, madam.”
Ms. Fern smiled before looking down at the pile of paper in front of her. She grabbed a packet and threw it in front of Mr. Finnish.
“Could you please sign this?”
Mr. Finnish was started as he took the packet in his hands, flipping through pages.
“Why do I need to sign this? Asking a stranger whom you never know, signing something seems out of the question madam.”
Ms. Fern pressed her lips once more. “We just need to know more about you later on, sir.”
“But why? You should get to know a person in a matter of time rather than on paper. What is the use of that?” Mr. Finnish stated as he slapped the packet down. He looked up at Ms. Fern, who raised an eyebrow. She took the packet and looked at the door.
“Are you saying you are not doing this, Mr. Finnish? Because if you are, the chances of you ever doing this again are very rare.”
“Really? Why would I want to do this again? Look, I know I said I wanted to go get out of this place, maybe take my wife, but even if it is all lovely and neat, I don’t want to go again.”
She nodded, sliding off the table and looked at Mr. Finnish, who grinned and crossed his left leg on his right leg. “And no, I am not saying I won’t doing.”
Ms. Fern smiled, walking to the door. She looked back at Mr. Finnish. “Just so you know, you cannot tell your wife or anyone about this mission or whatever, Mr. Finnish. If you do, well… that is classified.”
Mr. Finnish made a zipper motion on his lips as Donna waved Ms. Fern out. She walked out, grasping the papers closer to her as she continued her walk back to the manager’s office. Must be Tuesday, Ms. Fern thought to herself as she walked to the elevator once again. Tuesdays just seem too unpredictable.
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Okay Tuesday.......I am here with another review. This chapter to me was a little more hard to read. It was like you forcing it a bit, and I had to read over it quiet of times before I finally grasp what you where trying to say. However once I broke that barrier I found that I was quiet fond of chapter 4. So I am guessing Mr. Finnish is the guy with the wife from a previous chapter right???? Well I will say I love how you are trying to develop this story now. At first we had no idea who that guy and wife was but as we read on in your story we figured out just who they where, which is great writing style. I loved it and cannot wait to read more.
Hello Tuesday!
Me again! I am pretty sure you are getting used to this by now xD
I love this quote, especially because of your username. I don't know, but it should just be your theme quote or something. Yes, we should invent those.
When it comes to this chapter, the majority of things I have for your are nitpicks more than anything else. When it comes to comments here, there isn't too much I can give you. You've set up an interesting section here where we get to see how the NAPA recruit new people. I am very curious about why they set up interviews when they had already chosen someone for the job, but then again it might be part of the the ploy to keep themselves undercover and unknown the whole time. Mrs. Fern seems like such a level headed character as well who is always professional and somehow will always manage to keep her cool. I am looking forward to seeing a bit more from her perspective as well. I think this was a nice introduction but other than getting to know characters there wasn't too much more to it. But for a chapter of a book once in a while that is perfectly fine!
I will say that now that I have met another three characters I do feel like we have met too many at one time. It's just that in the past few chapters, every single one has been an introduction to another character! I feel like the reader needs time to process all of these characters and be able to define them in personality. The only way to get to doing that is to read about them, but we haven't had that chance because we have had to move on to other characters. My advice is to give us a few more chapters focusing on Billi Wack, or Martha, or even Xavier and then after a few chapters so we know all of them well, introduce these other characters. Otherwise the reader is going to start feeling a bit overwhelmed by all these people we have met and the pressure to remember them all in your mind. I am feeling a little bit of this right now and can't even remember the name of Martha's husband anymore.
I am still wondering why they pre-chose Mr. Finnish for the job that they wanted him to. I mean, as they said they know basically nothing about him except for his general information. The advantage of taking a random person is that they won't be a spy or anyone important. But maybe he is properly qualified for the job he has just accepted, or any of the interviewees could have been a better choice. It just seems like he is a completely random person and I did and do want to know the reasons as to why has been chosen so it becomes clearer in my mind. Maybe the man could explain this to Mrs. Fern before he sends her off? That way the reader gets to know as well.
I was pretty surprised to know that Mr. Finnish believed in the possibility of NAPA existing as well as the fact that he knew the job he was applying for had something to do with NAPA as well. Wouldn't that kind of information definitely be the kind of information the NAPA would be trying to withhold and keep quiet. Because if everyone knew that there was a possibility of a NAPA job opening, I am sure there would be many more people signing up for interviews and this could all fall on the wrong ears as well. You'd never know! I think therefore he shouldn't already know that NAPA is a possibility after taking this job. It seems like only the thing you would tell someone after they signed to secrecy. Also... would a simply and random worker even know NAPA existed?
As I said, I didn't have too many plot points for you! So I guess it is nitpick time already.
Because the next thing you say after the comma is settled it on the desk, the it could either be referring to his hand or his hair. I know you don't mean that he is settling his hair on the desk but I have to admit, for a split second I thought that was the case. You also don't want to use the word hand because then that would fall under close repetition. So the best suggestion I can give you would be to settle his fingers on the desk. You'd avoid the repetition and we get the picture in general as well.
You need an 'a' after the word adding because it isn't speech and is a thing, so needs to be referred to as one. Also, you mention Ms. Fern smirking out. But a smirk is a face expression, so you can't really do that 'out', so to speak. You could make it Ms. Fern smirked on her way out, which means that she is leaving and yet smirking at the same time. We add in those few words to make sure the reader understands that the word out relates to movement and not the smile.
I think the it should actually be 'she' because we are referring to all Ms. Fern has done at this current moment.
I did see Falconer had already mentioned this so I won't repeat. But my focus is on the second line because I didn't quite understand what it was meaning due to the wording of it. Did you mean that she wouldn't be around if a natural disaster because she would have planned ahead? Because sometimes it is not possible to anticipate a natural disaster before it happens, or at least the word doesn't get out to the public. I would change the second sentence to: Ms. Fern was highly skeptical that any of those would ever happen. If any of them did, she would be out of town anyway because she would have checked the weather forecast. (Mentioning the forecast creates a tinge of humor there.)
I would cut the words 'more rows of rows building' because the sentence works just as well without them.
Comma splice! Here, instead of a comma you either need a colon or a connective. Because you are giving a reason for her being afraid of elevators (oh and the word elevator needs to be plural there as well) I think because would be appropriate. Make the comma 'because she' it will make a lot more sense.
You are missing a 'to' after the word go.
I think you mean 'were' instead of was. Also, another comma splice! I would make that comma a full stop and start the sentence with the word 'They' and put were, getting rid of people completely.
I know it might be weird having it double, but to make this sentence work you need another was before the was xD
*startled.
I believe you mean 'do it' instead of doing.
Okay, I am looking forward to the next two parts of this chapter so I can see what is happening! I am actually almost all caught up so I am looking forward to that. Keep writing, and this is me done for the night when it comes to reviewing. I'll be back for more tomorrow!
Deanie x
MARTY . . . Greetings from the realm of Zeniths. I think. (To be honest, I don't even know what a zenith is, so . . .)
I'm going to dive right in, PLEASE don't hate me for the fact that this is chapter four and I barely know what's going on. HOWEVER, here is numero uno.
1)"competitor for this… plan" I would suggest putting a space between 'this' and then continue that through the three dotamimers. I saw this a few other places, but it isn't a huge deal. AND WE'RE OFF.
2)"A man was at the desk, his hands on his face grumbling about not eating in the past hour or something" Here with the reference of hands on faces, I had to read it twice to figure out what you were talking about. Maybe rephrasing that to something along the lines of 'His hands covering his face' could better describe it, unless he isn't covering his face?
I am no expert about commas. Just ask anyone. (I'm pretty sure Therese Cricket could tell you some horror stories) But anywho, whatever you decide to do with the before mentioned snippet, maybe put a comma there. I'm not sure, but it kind of feels right to me. But then, not putting commas places also seem right to me . . . YOU'RE SMART, YOU'LL FIGURE IT OUT.
3)"and out of the spite of me" Comma. It also took me a few minutes to get the analogy. Or is it a simile? I'M SLOW, ALRIGHT?!
4)"Must be Tuesday, Tuesdays just seem too unpredictable." Love the ending, it is so YOU. So MARTY. And . . . Tuesday-ee-ish.
Overall, even though I was a little befuddled as to what was going on, it was a very pleasing story. (The title was a really colorful, I thought) The main thing I saw was unclear sentences, as Snappy pointed out down below, or misplacement of commas. (Gimme a break if I'm wrong about half of them, I'm still learning!) I know from experience how you can get to typing and be like, I'M TYPING, I'M ON A ROLL and it come out more wholly in your head than on Word Documents. I am the poster child for that.
Now this is getting too long, and I don't really care for super long reviews so . . . THE RAGE IS OUT.
~RagingLive
P.S.
Would it be okay it you tagged me for your story? I might want to pick it up sometime!
Thanks for the review!
And sure! i tag you in the next chapter is in
Hello again, Tuesday!
Ah, it's Mr. Finnish again! I see.
Maybe you should say, "given that she couldn't have kids" instead of "having". Also, it's talking about a fifteen-year-old girl, yet she enjoys watching little children running. Does she just like all kids in general, or does she miss the day's when her boss's daughter was still a little kid too?
Oooh, I really like the use of mumbled there. Nice.
Maybe you should say something more like, "Her manager had wanted the building to be proofed against earthquake, flood, tornado (although it was highly unlikely), and other natural events." And then have each of the natural disasters be plural.
Ah, this is clearing up some questions I had on earlier chapters. However, in the chapter where Mr. Finnish was first introduced, it was mentioned that his wife hadn't wanted to come along, but she was forced to because the government required her to. Here, you say that she is specifically not to know of this or to come along. Those two things contradict each other, and I was wondering which was true, or if Mr. Finnish simply lied to his wife. He also doesn't seem the type of person to call people Madame.
Anyway, this was quite an interesting chapter. And you mentioned yourself here. ;D Nice.
Can't wait to read the next one!
-Falco