Billi set down the cup of milk, wiping his mouth with his arm. Sarah watched in amazement; this creature had drunk seventeen glasses of milk. The mutant goat grinned, hopping off the stool and onto the floor. He set the cup in the sink while Sarah sighed.
“So you are telling me, you escaped from NAPA?”
“Somewhat escape,” Billi stated matter-of-factly. He returned to the stool, gripping his little goat hooves on the steps and sat across from Sarah.
“I still cannot believe I have a weird looking goat in my kitchen,” she mumbled. “Should have called the cops when I had the chance to.
Billi rolled his eyes. “That is what they all say.”
Sarah looked at him blankly. “What do you mean by ‘they’?”
Billi spun around on the stool then faced Sarah. “I mean, they say all say it. ‘I should call the cops because you are mutant and foreign blah blah blah. It gets annoying after a while like I am a mutant goat. No big deal.”
Sarah blinked as she stood up from the stool and walked over to the coffee pot.
“So you are telling me, you been to other places?”
“Somewhat. I mean NAPA put me through simulations of human’s houses and holograms acted like them. All confused and such then panicking. It messes with your head, for sometime then after a few more tries you just become bored.”
Sarah poured coffee and leaned back on the counter. “Oh. Basically they were preparing you for what was ahead.”
Billi nodded. He jumped off the stool and walked to the fridge.
“Do you think I could have more milk?”
Sarah knotted her eyebrows. “No you cannot. I need some for Amelia.”
“Who’s this Amelia? Do you mean that famous Amelia?”
Sarah tightly smiled. “No I mean my daughter Amelia, who I did name after Amelia Earhart.”
Billi made an ‘o’ with his mouth as he drifted his hand away from the fridge handle. He waddled back to his seat on the stool, climbing up. Sarah grabbed her coffee cup and sat on the stool. Silence hung in the air as Amelia crept down the steps, sneaking on her mother. She was on the bottom step when she saw Billi; his yellow fur glistening under the light, his horns were curved and pointed at the end, and he was wearing a faded, dirty yellow baby onices.
She didn’t know how to feel about this thing in her house. The first thought was watching the thing interact. The second thought was call the cops, and watch the dangers collapse while the thing could possible kill her or her mother or-
“Amelia!” her mother yelled, breaking her thoughts. She looked up, frantically while Billi smiled. Sarah groaned, getting up from her spot.
“Why are you still up?”
Amelia moved her mouth but nothing came out. She then ran upstairs, bolted the door, and picked up her phone. She was going to make an important call that would save everyone.
“She’s going to call the cops?”
“Yea, she’s going to call the cops. Amelia!” Sarah called out, as she ran up the stairs. Billi stood in the doorway of the kitchen, unsure to run or to return to his milk.
He walked back to his cup, staring at the white liquid as Sarah and Amelia fought upstairs. It wasn’t his fault he was weird or mutated; all he wanted was to be a little goat, eating grass on a farm in Nebraska with his family. But NAPA had called his owner, Mr. Rubel to take over the job as manager. He had taken it gleefully at first but over time he changed. Spending late nights in the barn outside the house, lights flickering from there and screams of the innocent animals throughout the night.
Billi was special, as his owner had told him. Going to be a super soldier to fight in the war, Mr. Rubel had said as he led him to the barn. He couldn’t speak though thought about the events that soon followed. NAPA had taken all the animals that Mr. Rubel did, put them into some jail cells as Billi would call them, and trained normal, regular people to train these mutated animals for war. Billi was left inside a cage with growing wonder as to what to think of NAPA.
On that day, Mr. Rubel was dressed in a spiffy jacket and pressed pants with is hair slicked back. He looked evilly professional and wanted to preform that way. He personally carried Billi into NAPA, Billi looking around the place unsure about why everyone was wearing lab coats and goggles. He was still a goat, mindless and somewhat strong only Mr. Rubel was going to make him more mindless and strong.
They threw Billi into a cage, his cries muffles by the other animals’ cries in the faculty. He panicked, ramming into the walls trying to break from their prison but it was worthless. Billi had to wait for tomorrow from being a normal goat, into a monster everyone would fear.
“Billi!” Sarah called out, snapping Billi from his thoughts.
“What?”
Sarah pointed to Amelia, who was staring at wonder at Billi. He looked at Sarah confused as she shook her head and picked him up. He was shocked at first; it was long time since anyone had actually picked him up.
“Put me down this instance! I am not a stuffed animal, I am a mutant goat!” he pleaded as Amelia giggled. Billi narrowed his eyes, moving around in Sarah’s arm.
“Calm down Billi! Amy just wants to pet you.”
“Why does she want to pet me? Wasn’t she just freaking out?”
Sarah sighed. “Yes, but I talked to her about how nice and friendly you without the cops coming,” she glared at Amy, enforcing that Amy tried to call the cops. She smiled, her eyes glued on Billi.
“So, you are telling me that she wants to pet me? Like a bloody dog?”
Amelia snapped out of her focus. “Samson!”
“Oh dear god, no! Samson will devour Billi!” Sarah cried out as Amy started calling for their dog. Samson ran down the steps and ran to Amy. He looked up and saw Billi in Sarah’s arm and started to growl. He barked, nipping at Sarah’s legs to drop Billi so he could have his dinner.
“You never told me you had a dog!” Billi cried out, as Samson circled Sarah like a hungry shark.
“It was important at the time! Samson is trained to hunt animals.”
Billi glared at Sarah. “Hunt animals? So basically he can devour me!” He jumped out of the Sarah’s arm, onto Samson’s back and started to ride him like a bull.
“Yeehaw! Now you cannot eat me, you stupid dog!”
“Oh for god’s sake, Billi!” Sarah called out as Billi rode Samson down the hallway.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,820 Reviews
Lol, This is cute. I loved chapter 3.2, and I love how it flowed. Your writing was very clear and I understand what is happening. I also love the scene switch you did......I hope that continues through out the story. Indeed that's how i right and to me it just makes the chapter have that much more depth. I loved it.
Heya Tuesday!
But honestly, I can appreciate how you left all the clues but yet as a reader some of us (and probably the majority) don't know how it relates to the other storyline until you mention it. I also generally liked the dialogue in this chapter. Basically, when it comes to reviewing your novel so far, most of the things I mention are nitpicks, but as for plot and everything, so far so good! It's a bizarre and very unique plot, and I am wondering where it will go, but it is great 
#NaRevWriMo!
I am back again! I can't believe this is still in the green room after all this time DD: Well, here I come to tackle it! First of all, I had an AHA! moment. I can't believe I was unable to put two and two together and not realise that Billi Wack was going to be one of those mutant animals that came from the NAPA labs? I should have been able to predict that from all the hints you left in the previous chapter, but for some reason I never made the connection. I guess that means Tuesday's writing skills 1 and Deanie 0 at this current moment
One thing I have a problem with is not knowing Amelia's age. You mention that she is young enough to need milk and to be mischievous (like when she calls Samson despite Sarah being against it) which paints a picture of her being quite young. But then again you have her sneaking around -- which only an older child could do. And she also knows that when there is trouble she needs to call the police, and has no issue reaching for the phone and doing so. Which means she must be a toddler that is quite old or leaning on being a child. I wasn't sure which she was, and it seems like there isn't actually an age which could pin point the description of her we have gotten so far. So what you need to do is choose an age and make sure that everything she does fits in with the ability of that age count!
I know a lot of bizarre things have been happening to her, but I doubt Sarah would so easily forget the death of her loved one. Even with a talking yellow mutant goat in front of her. I know she needs to first stop Amelia from calling the police, but after that, instead of trying to stroke Billi Wack, I get the impression that she should actually be taking Amelia to the side and trying to explain what happened with her father without breaking her heart too much, and doing it in such a way she understands. Don't forget about the death because that is a big effecting thing when it comes to a characters emotions and their actions as well. So make sure Sarah and Amelia have that conversation and show it to us as well! That way we get elements of seriousness even in this humorous novel as well. Having the perfect balance is the best!
Okay, nitpick time again! I know I am pulling out quite a lot of them, but hopefully I will explain them so you won't make the same mistakes again.
A tiny thing, but you forgot to have the closing speech marks here.
That first sentence there is a bit confusing, and it doesn't necessarily have to be really. I would just put a full stop after the word while. And make the sentences like this:
It gets annoying after a while. I am a mutant goat. No big deal.
I know people say not to use short sentences too much outside of action writing because they can sound choppy. But every rule needs to be broken sometimes and this seems like the perfect timing for it. The 'like' you have in the sentence is the confusing factor because it doesn't really fit in with the sentence as a whole, and isn't a connecting word. But instead of putting one in there it's good to separate the sentences and have them being straightforward because I get the impression Billi was being blunt with what he was trying to say as well.
I think the biggest problem you have when it comes to your grammar/punctuation and all that stuff is with commas. I am not an expert when it comes to commas because they are my weak point too, so I understand! But here we really don't need a comma in this sentence at all. In fact I am not sure what you wanted this line to be. It could be a question, but then it should be phrased like:
So, you have been to other places?
But it could just as much be a statement that Sarah is saying to continue on the conversation. I am lead to believe this is the one you most likely meant for it to be. That would be written as:
So you are telling me you have been to other places.
I understand that you feel compelled to have the comma there, but that is only because you were missing the vital word 'have.' Try and read/speak your words aloud as you write. Commas are really only necessary if you pause while saying it. And even then, when reading it first check that the words flow smoothly. If there is a better way of saying it, then write it that way instead. I think that way you will also cut a lot of commas, because sometimes you choose the more complicated way of writing things and that is why they come in.
I understood the gist of what you meant, but it was written in a confusing way. It would work best if you started off by making it a full sentence which would be adding in a subject. 'They were all confused and then such panicking.' The next thing to do would be to remove any unnecessary words, which I would deem 'and such to be.' Now we have 'They were all confused then panicking.' When I say the sentence aloud I pause after the word confused, so put in a comma there and voila! A perfect sentence that is easier to understand!
*possibly.
This sentence confused me. I think you mean in the past he couldn't speak, but he could simply think to himself. In that case, the sentences should be separate because they are dealing with different ideas. For the first sentence, reminding the readers that you are referring to the past with that statement would be useful. So it would be 'He couldn't speak but then, but he could think. So he thought about the events as they happened.' (I did switch up some words to make it flow better.)
The comma here really should be a full stop instead.
You switched to present tense! It should be his cries were muffled.
You are missing the word 'are' between you and without.
Also, at the end of that you have Sarah glaring at her daughter and then smiling at Billi. I felt like she was shifting face expressions and moods pretty quickly there, so it would only look weird. If you mention that the glare she shoots is a weak one, it means she isn't stormy angry. If she is only faintly angry, it is easier for her to give a nice enough smile to Billi afterwards without it being a drastic shift in mood.
Due to context, I think you actually mean it 'wasn't' important instead.
I have such a funny image in my head of Billi riding a dog at the moment. Sure enough, if he isn't off soon, Samson is definitely going to be busy. I can't wait to hear about what Martha and Samuel are up to, as well as how this little issue here is going to pan out. I liked the introduction of Amelia as well! That was done so smoothly. I'll be back and reading more soon
Deanie x
Hi Tuesday!
Wait- I thought Sarah didn't have any milk? And now she has at least 17 glasses, plus some to save for Amelia. How does that work?
Anyway,
That sounds kind of wrong, but I don't exactly know how to fix it. Maybe just try "this creature drank"? I'm not sure.
Maybe just "they all say it" here? I don't think you need to put say twice.
Wait, she has a daughter? Does Amelia know that her dad died? What was she doing while her mom was crying and walking around being depressed?
Maybe sneaking up on her mother?
I'm curious as to how old Amelia actually is. She seems to be very serious about calling the police, and then she fights with her mom about it. That makes her seem like she's a bit older, and slightly rebellious. However, she's soon giggling about Billi and wanting to pet him. That makes me assume she's younger and less mature, which is different from what she seemed like earlier. Perhaps reconcile these two differences, or explain them?
Other than that, everything looks good. Billi riding Samson is hilarious.
Great chapter!
-Falco