It was a sunny morning in the Santa Paula Canyons, little creatures scattering around to find shade. A roadrunner was running after a lizard, trying to nip at its tail and hopefully get itself into the roadrunner’s mouth. They zigzagged around rocks, littler canyon plants and sliding on rocks. The lizard looked back at the roadrunner, unaware that in their path was danger for both it and the roadrunner. The roadrunner sped up before stepping wrong on a rock and causing the poor bird to capsize onto the ground. The lizard stopped before looking back and thinking what a stupid bird you are, the continued running still looking back and ran straight into a belly of the predator. The lizard looked up and was about to run back when the paw of the predator, grabbed the poor lizard and stuffed into its mouth.
The roadrunner croaked, its leg broken as it tried to get up. When it got finally got up, the roadrunner looked around for the lizard. It stepped forward, its leg aching but all he wanted was that lizard. The roadrunner walked behind a rock where the lizard had turned but found nothing but plants and shrubs. A shadow fell over the roadrunner, as it turned it head to see the creature; yellow feline eyes, two curved horns with a head of white fur, and yellow teeth poking out of its mouth.
“Lunch time, birdy,” it spoke as it tried to grab the roadrunner. The roadrunner ran away even if its leg was broken, away from the creature.
“I hate fast food,” the creature grumbled as its chubby short legs tried to catch up with the roadrunner. The roadrunner ran around a maze of plants and columns of rocks to an empty highway road. He looked both ways, seeing only waves of heat radiating off the road and decided to run across. Right before he could, the roadrunner felt a same shadow fall over him.
“Hello again, fast food.” The roadrunner turned back, stepping onto the road before its leg gave out. “Oh, you have a broken leg. Even better,” the creature smirked. It stepped forward, its tiny arms outward going forward at the roadrunner when a truck drove down the vacant road. The creature looked back at the roadrunner and made an ‘I’m watching you’ gesture before running off, leaving the roadrunner on the road.
The truck didn’t see the roadrunner as it ran over its body. The driver thought to itself what it ran over before let it go as it drove on. The creature hid behind a rock, peeking from behind and saw the roadrunner smashed on the road then grinned.
“That’s one way to make fast things, slow.” The creature said aloud before having a lovely lunch to himself. The creature thought to himself as it picked up a piece of the roadrunner’s brain before chewing it, ‘I wonder why that truck was on the road’ and continued to eat his lunch.
The driver of the truck, continued on its way down the road despite having ran over a poor roadrunner. The sun beat down on the truck, making it quite warm inside the vehicle as the driver sighed, turning down a window hanging an arm out. The driver’s phone rang as he looked over to see that his wife was calling him.
He picked it up and answered it. While he was driving, on the opposite side of the road was a Simian driving with a driver half asleep. The driver in the other truck, didn’t see the simian drifting into his lane as the truck came head-on with the simian as the truck drifted off the road and down the canyon wall into a hidden pass with the driver unconscious.
“Hello? Kevin?” the voice on the phone asked hastily. Kevin groaned, shifting his eyes to the phone in his bloody hand.
“I love you Sarah. Good bye,” he said before closing his eyes, leaving his wife on a lonely call.
Sarah set the phone down on the dresser, next to her before sitting on the bed. Their dog Samson, walked towards Sarah noticing her sadness and stuck his snout under her face. She sniffled before grabbing the dog and holding close. Samson was confused as he licked the tears coming down her face.
“You’re all I have left, Samson. Kevin’s gone,” she muttered as she cried into a pillow. Samson laid, feeling the sadness too. Sarah fell asleep crying, unaware that her phone was still on and a low mumble of a voice was on the other end.
The same creature was poking and prodding Kevin, sticking a hand into his side and only getting blood. The creature groaned before turning the heavy man and began to search his pockets. He pulled out coins, a wallet, and a bloodied black-white picture of a girl smiling. The creature set everything down except the picture, tilting his head examining the detail at the picture and wiping the blood off. He turned the back to find a name in pen and it read- Sarah: My Loving Wife.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Okay, so there is a horned creature going around eating other creatures......lol already intrigued by you concept Tuesday. Well So far you do have a couple of mistakes with wording but other than that You have a pretty good start. I was really hoping to meet Bill wack in this chapter, but haven't....
But is cool cause its building up suspense and I love suspense so........YAY! 
I cant wait to read more.
Heya, Chrissy here for a NaRevWrimo review!
Mutant goat? That's a new one. I am a little pressed for time, so I can't read everyone's reviews. Sorry if I repeat anything! Okay, here we go.
The roadrunner isn't trying to get itself into his mouth, he's trying to get a lizard in his mouth. You need to rephrase that sentence a bit. Maybe change itself to it? That would help a lot.
This is a bit clunky. And a touch confusing as well. Try something along the lines of this...
Putting the thought into italics automatically tells everyone that the lizard is thinking. And the predator isn't THE predator. It's A predator.
In the first paragraph you say the lizard ran straight into his belly, but right underneath it the predator picks him up and eats him. So he doesn't run straight into his mouth. He runs straight up to him. Just a little something you might want to clear up.
Charming, just charming. lol
It has a very sad ending, kinda touching. I love his goodbye. I'm heading over to the next part! See ya soon.
KEEP WRITING!
MUTANT GOAT BABY, WHERE?Hi, Tues! Here for a The Big Review review and shizz~ I haven't read through any of the previous reviews, so feel free to ignore me if I repeat anything!
That said, I'll try to keep this review short.
So, your beginning's quite a blocky bit of text righ' there. It's a stilted entrance into the chapter, and this isn't because you've employed description as the opener, but because of the manner in which it's executed. I'm glad you chose to start with action, really, but I found it hard to really get a sense of surroundings/be hooked, because:
1) The syntax is pretty rigid, for the most part. There isn't much variation in your sentences; most of them start with an article (the/a), a subject (like the roadrunner) then go on to describe what they were doing, i.e.: the predicate. You can solve this if you try to create some variation in the way you write. Long sentences. Longer sentences. Short sentences and shuffling things up.
2) There's a great deal of repetition. In the first paragraph alone, you've used the word 'lizard' five times and 'roadrunner' ... er, five times as well. (I counted. XD) I understand that it's hard to not use these nouns, seeing as, well, animals don't really have names. I still think there's a way to work around this, though.
3) Your reader doesn't know what to focus on, nor do they really feel anything for the roadrunner + the lizard because it's kind of hard to identify a PoV at this point. It feels like Third Person Omniscient, but the tone is kind of detached and all we're focused on is 'the lizard did this/roadrunner did that'. I'll talk more about how you can snazz things up with your first para and work on making it seem less clunky, but moving on to...
4) Question the importance of each and every scene, every character, every event that takes place in your novel. I understand that the first chapter is basically about finding your voice and getting started, so save this for the edits, but as you write on always consider the importance of characters inserted/events taking place.
At this point, the reader is asking questions like 'but why should I read on about this roadrunner and this lizard? Are they important to the story? Why do we need to zoom in on their actions to such an extent?' Remember, your first few paragraphs are very important because they act both as the hook and give the reader a vague idea of what to expect from the rest of the novel. From what you've got rolling here so far, as a reader I assume that we'll be focussing on the roadrunner + lizard pal for the entirety of the novel. It throws me off when I realise that we'll be focussing on Kevin instead(?). Or this enigmatic Sarah. (I'll talk more about the shift from roadrunner + lizard chase ---> accident and entrance of big scary creature later.) I also understand that this creature is somehow our protagonist, but I think you could have introduced them/it earlier on in the piece, just to save the reader a great deal of confusion.
My advice: 1) Create variation within the sentence structure; 2) build your focus and decide who's important, and establish your PoV; 3) try employing sensory detail instead of listing events as they proceed.
And 4) Cut, cut, cut unnecessary info and avoid it like it's the plague. Sometimes we don't need to know about each event in order whilst focussing on the minutest of details because it just detracts from the actual story. Moreover, condense runaway sentences. It helps a ton and keeps sentences from getting long and unmanageable. A precise sentence is a strong sentence!
For advices 1 (variation) and 4 (condensing), lemme pull a couple of sections from your chapter and show you how I, personally, would edit (although of course, you, the writer, know best!)
~ Condense the part I've marked in blue. In red, is a suggested alternative.
~ Slash out 'wrong'; it's an unnecessary word because we know the bird has made a 'wrong' decision by the consequences of its action anyway. Also, rephrase what I've marked in green with suggestions in yellow.
~ First in bold: do we need to know this? Shouldn't the bird's stupidity be less blatant and more of a subtle thing that the reader notices through its actions anyway? Sometimes, there are things your reader doesn't need you to spell out for them. It's like knowing someone is happy while dancing in the rain without you telling your readers specifically 'they were happy'.
I'll talk a little about word-choice here. You've used a lot of similar sounding words which makes the scene seem slower than it is: words like 'running', which would be better if they were replaced with something like ... I don't know ... skittering? Your word-choice is actually really great in places, but identify your 'pet words' (words you have a tendency to repeat too often) and try using them less often, or working around them so there isn't a series of similarity that drags the prose down.
~ You talk about 'a' belly as though plurals exist, without really identifying it as 'the' belly of a certain predator that we're talking about. That said, it would read better as 'the belly of a predator' since you haven't identified the predator as being a specific creature as yet.
All right, so I feel as though a lot of the suspense falls flat here because we're so focused on the animals and everything, and their fates are whomped in front of our eyes before the perspective is changed entirely to focus on ze creature (I'm assuming this is the mutant goat baby). As this stands right now, I think I've already mentioned bringing the creature's perspective earlier on in the story and familiarising your reader with it. This is because, if the rest of the story is told in the PoV of the creature, it's best for us to be acquainted with this character at once. As a reader, I'm going to assume that the character/s introduced in the first chapter are the most important, and it is their stories that we will be following. Your plot is interesting, and the latter half of the chapter really intrigued me, as did the part with Sarah because it's very foretelling in a way. I feel like this creature will have something to do with her, and I can't for the life of me figure out if it will wreak havoc or ... what it'll do, really, but I'm quite keen to find out.
Speaking of PoV, I'm having a hard time deciding what PoV this is meant to be written in. So far, it looks like third person omniscient perspective, but I have two scruples with this:
a) While TPO gives you every right to enter the minds of whatever character you wish, there is a way to do this without making your prose seem awkward. Also, while using TPO, it's best to avoid the criminal act that is head-hopping. Head-hopping is basically when the writer attempts to showcase each and every character's thoughts, mostly by stating outright that he/she thought this/that. This is very clunky, and I don't see that many signs of head-hopping in this piece, save for when you first tell us what the lizard was thinking, then when you state...
...it stands out. Sometimes you can tell us what the character is thinking simply by stating: 'The creature picked up a piece of the roadrunner's brain and slowly chewed on it. He wondered for a second why the truck had been on the road*, but not for long; he returned to his lunch.'
*A question: why did the creature think it was so weird for the truck to be on the road? I thought this was rather an odd thought to think, because you know, if trucks aren't on roads where else would they be? XD Was it because it was super-early or something like that? Clarify.
b) You're not entirely utilising TPO to your advantage. TPO allows you to be very flexible with scene and explore and explain certain things that limited perspectives cannot. You're looking at everything here, from information regarding the weather and setting, to certain bits of history, to where your characters are going and what they're doing, etc. To an extent, you have taken us elsewhere, but a lot is lacking in terms of pace and atmopshere. I'm sure you can work on this, though, and PoV has a habit of settling itself as the piece moves forward!
Things are kind of jumbled up when we get to Kevin's truck; the shift, too, is all-too-sudden because we were totally all focussed on the desert creatures. I also feel like things weren't entirely explained and lacked clarity. This might be because the pace is kind of fast, like the narrator just wants to get over the accident and talk about bigger things. That's no excuse, though, because every scene has importance, even if it's just a car accident (that nevertheless sets in motion greater consequences). So take it easy and slow down the happenings. We're in over our heads, and although everything is interesting, slowing down will not detract from the plot in any way! Add some sensory detail, explain what's happening as it happens. I was kind of shocked when I read that Kevin's hand was bleeding, and his actions seemed too wired--robotic--to be natural. The scene with Sarah was too quick--GIVE ME MOARR.
Overall, interesting stuff you've got here. Just work on the execution a little more and this will be great~
I'll get to chapter two soon! Keep it up, keep writing, and I hope this helped!
~Pomp c:
I love the whole thing between the road-runner and the lizard, hahaha. xD But the creature that had it for lunch, it's confusing me. Feline eyes? And it picks up Kevin's stuff, essentially looting him? (Plus it can read, what?) Is this creature humanoid, or.. well, what is it? I'd like a lot more detail on this creature! Perhaps I may study it one day, haha. Or not. Oh well. Possible roleplay? >O>
Hi there!
I haven't read any of the previous reviews
because I'm lazyso if I repeat anything just ignore it.First off, I really like your title. It just sounds so much like a book I would've read when I was younger. (that's a compliment, of course :3)
I can't figure out if this sentence needs a semi-colon or an 'and' in there. Just something about it seems off. Each part of this sentence could easily be a sentence of their own is what I'm trying to say I guess.
Well, this is a bit of an assumption, isn't it?
Quick nitpick that just popped into my head. The truck driver ran over the roadrunner without seeing it. However, with that much time for the creature to see the truck and run to hide, the truck driver would've seen it. And even if he hadn't, he would've looked in his side view mirror to see what he had run over. It could've been something detrimental to his truck which means he might've had to pull over or something. There's no way he would've not seen the roadrunner. When he sees it though, I don't think he would turn around to check if it's okay so nothing much would actually change.
Overall I'd say this is an okay chapter. The one thing that keeps me from absolutely loving this chapter is how fast paced it is. You're writing in third person omniscient so you're bouncing around between characters and situations. First it was the animal chase, in which the animals are personified, then it was the creature, which I'm assuming is a human, chasing the roadrunner, then it was the truck running over the roadrunner, then it was the creature eating the roadrunner, then it was the accident, then it was the phone call, then it was Sarah crying, then it was the creature finding the picture. Do you see how that could be overwhelming? The second we grab onto one scene, another takes its place.
After reading through, I decided that this creature, whatever it is, is going to be the main character. It seems to always be there and be involved with everything. Now, I'm going to give you advice here based on that assumption. If I'm wrong about the MC feel free to apply this same advice to whomever it ends up being. Why not have the creature involved in everything that happens? You could have him watching the chase, then chasing the roadrunner himself, then see the roadrunner get run over, then have him find the crash later. All of the events would still be there, but there would be that one constant that we could hold on to: the creature. Everything would revolve around him without actually revolving around him. Think about it. That might not work for your novel or your writing style, obviously. There's just a lot happening and I think there are many ways that you could cut back and condense.
One thing I love about your writing is how simple it is. Simplicity is a good thing in my book. It reads so smoothly, even with the few grammar mistakes ;P Each new perspective you gave us really came to life. Except the half asleep guy, but he doesn't seem very important anyway :3 I felt like I really knew all of these characters even though I only got a glimpse of each. You achieved that in just a few short sentences! I think that's great.
With some work this can be a really great first chapter! You have all of the pieces you need right here. I can't wait to see what you write next. Looking forward to the next chapter!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hey Tuesday~
Here for the Big Review. I'm going to focus on the larger picture since you have two nitpick reviews.
I've always been fond of this style of introduction, focusing on the minutia and slowly expanding the reader's universe to the larger picture the story will go on in.
While I think that this works for your story, I think you could implement it better. This would best be done by adding more imagery. Expand the first sentence into several. What color is the sky? Are there any clouds? Is it already really hot? What kind of small creatures are there? Are they having to share shade or are they spread out?
My next piece of advice may sound strange since the lizard doesn't play a very big part of your story and doesn't have much of a personality. Get your readers invested in the lizard's survival. Draw out the chase between the lizard and roadrunner. Tell us how close the roadrunner got to catching the lizard's tail. Maybe personify the lizard a little so that we can connect easier. Then make us really believe it got away. That the lizard we've been holding our breath for escaped its predator, so that the introduction of the mysterious creature comes with a real punch like it deserves.
On the mysterious predator, it doesn't come off as weird enough. It talks. It has an unusual combination of features, the horns and the carnivore's teeth. It seems to be part of the regular food chain though, and could almost get lost in your chain of animals. I think it needs to be highlighted more. Give us more description. Really let us see this creature because I don't have a clear picture. You say it has paws when it catches the lizard, but it has hands when it prods Kevin. Since it seems to be the focus of this chapter, make it clear to the reader that the creature is something we should keep tabs on.
The roadrunner is another object of concern. That broken leg seems very convenient and then it's not an issue. It breaks its leg, but it wants that lizard so bad it's willing to ignore excruciating pain for it. That seems questionable to me.
As the other reviewers have said, Sarah's realization happens too fast. I think more dialogue between Sarah and Kevin would fix that problem. The line of dialogue you have Kevin say is pretty cheesy right now anyways.
That last paragraph is good. It makes me wonder what this creature will do with that picture.
If you would tag me when the next chapter is post, I'd like that.
Lemme know if you have any questions,
Megs~
Hey there, Tues! I'm here for that The Big Review review that's due! (Excuse any typos or glaring mistakes, as I am on a tablet ~) Let's get started.
First off, I've got quite a few nitpicks and quotes and such, so bear with me. Afterwards I'll go a little more general.
I do realize that Falconer pulled out this exact quote, but it needs a little help. Not only was it awkwardly worded, it doesn't make sense. The first part (before the comma) is fine, but then I start to doubt it a little. Why would the roadrunner try to only nip at the tail instead of just plucking up the entire lizard? Plus that would be rather difficult at the speeds that a roadrunner runs at. However, the next part makes no sense at all, as it says "... hopefully get itself into the roadrunner's mouth." At this point, I assume that "itself" is the roadrunner, as this participle is talking about the previous subject -- the roadrunner (if you want to know why, please ask, because grammar is important to understand xD). Therefore, the way you have it written, it is saying that the roadrunner hopes to get itself into its mouth. Please reword that xD
This sentence is also rather strangely worded. I can see what you were going for, but "littler" sounds awkward here, especially because there isn't something to compare it to anyway. Then, from the way it's worded, it seems like the sentence would go on as a list, but then the final part is a different action on its own. Play around with that sentence so that it reads smoother.
So here, the foreshadowing is very obvious and that's not the best idea. It can seem cliche and make the reader roll their eyes. Plus, it ruins the surprise of the moment and the suspense built is lost. Instead of feeling us something is going to happen, just show us.
Also, the first couple paragraphs are slightly redudant, as shown here. The entire time, the roadrunner and the lizard are referred to as that the entire time, but it gets tiring reading ther name over and over. Why not use more pronouns with them? At one point, I recall that the roadrunner was referred to as a 'he', so it may help to start earlier on calling him a he and then the lizard something else so that it's not redundant, but we can still follow.
Final thing before I move on to the next quote is that my attention was never really captured in the beginning and I found it really had to follow. The transitions could use some work, as it seemed parts jumped from one idea to the next without a clear cut connection. It's jarring and thus makes it difficult to be immersed in the story. I recommend working on a clear train of thought so that not everything jumps around.
First off, this sentence has rather poor structure and it's difficult to follow. These two ideas are completely different, but yet they are shoved together in a weak sentence. I recommend splitting it into two at the point after "when". Not only that, but the phrase "outward going forward at" doesn't make very much sense and is definitely not grammatically correct. Were you going for something like "it's tiny arms reaching out for the roadrunner"?
The driver is probably human, so I don't think 'it' works here >.> Later on, he is also referred to as "he", so why the inconsistncy here? Using 'he' would be much less confusing. Also, please reread this sentence and reword it, because I don't know what you were going for when you say "ran over before let it go".
There are actually quite a few grammar mistakes throughout this and convoluted sentences which I have difficulty following, whether they aren't structured correctly or they drag on longer than they should (aka, need to be split into another sentence because it goes on a tangent and doesn't fit the original meaning.) I recommend reading through this word for word and seeing what doesn't sound right when said aloud and seeing how you can rework or rewrite it.
Sorry to pull out such a huge quote, but this part made me stop and think a moment. First off, dialogue tags. Usually, you do a find job with using them correctly, but just pointing it out as a place that needs to be fixed. Also, there is some minor repetition with the creature doing two actions "to himself".
So, the second sentence is an example of a sentence going on too long and losing its original point. The point of it was that the creature thought of something (which I'll get to later), but then it goes on longer than it should. Why do we need to know what he's eating at the this exact moment? The main point is what he's thinking.
Speaking of what he's thinking, why would he be so worried about a truck on the road? It doesn't really make sense, because, well, it is a truck. And trucks are supposed to go on roads. Perhaps have some other line explaining why it's so peculiar rather than just having it to draw attention to the truck driver (and some more not-so-subtle foreshadowing.)
This line was yet another inconsistent line. Earier on, he was unsure what he ran over in the first place and he didn't seem to care very much. So, this line contradicts itself, as you can't do something despite something despite something that didn't happen. If that makes sense.
Alright! So, as Falconer mentioned, the wife seems to act a little irrationally, as she doesn't even ask questions on what happened -- just assumed the driver was dead. She just put the phone down without asking anything else. Perhaps something like "Kevin? What happened? Are you alright?" (Did she even hear what happened? Did they talk before at all?) Also, if he was unconscious -- as it was mentioned -- then how did he answer his wife, who was not at all panicked?
That part seemed a little rushed and not extremely thought out, as do much happened in a matter of 100 words. Slow it down some and draw some things out, make us feel for the wife, Sarah, and her loss. Make us feel the tragedy of the loss of the driver by creating some empathy and incorporating emotion into the narration, as that's really important for drawing a reader into the story.
Sorry if this seemed a bit scattered, but I hope this helped ~ If any of my suggestions need an explanation, please let me know!
Best of luck and keep on writing,
~Wolfe
Hi Tuesday!
I'm here to start stalking your LMS novel.
So, it was quite an interesting beginning. I found it a little odd that you focused on the lizard and roadrunner. I found it entertaining, though, so it did serve to pull me in.
This sentence seemed a bit awkwardly to me, especially the part about getting itself into the roadrunner's mouth. I would just suggest rephrasing it a bit.
I think for the lizard's thoughts, perhaps you should italicize it or else say something like, "and thinking what a stupid bird it was" instead. It was just a little odd when "you" was suddenly thrown in there.
Hehe, I really liked the fast food. Funny! That was a nice touch to the story.
I found this paragraph rather confusing. First, you only capitalized Simian once, so I don't know if you wanted to capitalize it the whole way through or just leave it lowercase. Either way, it needs to be consistent. You used driver and driving a lot, especially in the second sentence. If you could be a little clearer about what is going on here, that would be great! It's just a little bit muddy because of the interaction between the two trucks/cars.
Last thing was Sarah.
She seemed to assume that Kevin was dead really fast. She had no way of knowing what had happened, so she doesn't know whether he's dead or unconscious or something else had happened. I'd think she'd be more frantic and trying to figure out what was going on, but maybe the goodbye was very final for her.
Anyway, I look forward to seeing more!
-Falco