“Xavier Martin, please come to my office.” A voice over the intercom called. A man, huddling over a test tube groaned. It had been three weeks. Only three weeks and he hadn’t come up with a potion to give to animals, innocent animals at that. He stepped back from his work, eyeing the numbers on some papers before walking towards the big man’s office. People glanced at him, or so he thought, before returning to their normal jobs at NAPA.
Xavier sighed, walking up the same steps he walked up for the past times, trying to tell the manager that his work wasn’t done yet. He was warned countless times to hurry up, so the manager cold present the prize potion to the people of the world. Xavier wasn’t pleased about it nonetheless did he want to make the potion but everyone voted from him in a second.
He looked at the door, a name imbedded in gold: Mr. August Rubel. He took a deep breath and knocked on the door.
“Come in!” A voice yelled from behind the door. Xavier opened the door and saw Rubel looking at the company floor, from behind a glass window. He coughed while Rubel gestured to sit in one of the seats that was across from his desk. He walked over to a chair and before he could sit down, Mr. Rubel spoke.
“Mr. Martin, how long have you been working here for?”
What a weird question, Xavier thought to himself. He could know and this could be a trick but he shrugged.
“Well… for five years, sir.” Xavier answered, fiddling with his hands. Mr. Rubel made a grunting noise before moving away from the window. He looked at Xavier, nodding, then sitting in the leather chair that was pushed into the desk.
“In five years, have you heard or seen anything?”
“What do you mean by that, sir?” Xavier asked nervously. He was unsure where this conversation was going, as he thought he was going to be yelled at again for not having the potion ready. Mr. Rubel lifted his feet, casually resting his feet on the desk and putting his hands behind his head.
“I mean, have you seen anything out of the unordinary?”
Xavier curled his lips, shifting in his seat. “I wouldn’t say so, sir. Everything looks the same as every day.”
Mr. Rubel nodded, moving his feet to the ground and leaned forward. “Mr. Martin, do you have any idea what NAPA stands for?”
“It always struck to me as a car brand, sir.”
Mr. Rubel raised an eyebrow. Xavier gulped and quickly added, “Just jokes, sir.” Mr. Rubel was silent then let out a laugh, slapping the leather arm while Xavier sat there chuckling.
“You are a funny guy, Mr. Martin. But no, NAPA isn’t a car factory,” Mr. Rubel stated, as he started to look serious. “NAPA stands for National Association of Protecting Animals. And that is what we do, protect the mutant animals from the outside world because that would just cause a hecka lot problems for everyone.”
Xavier knotted his eyebrows. “Does the government know about this?”
Mr. Rubel touched his grey beard, stroking in thoughtfully. “Government knows some part of it. Like a lie almost. Covered with paranoid fabrications, and double dipped into a secret location here. No one really knows what NAPA does, only that is dead and the owner was blown up by a line mine in Africa.”
Xavier sighed. “Is this reason you called me up here, sir?”
Mr. Rubel blinked out of his daydreamed and looked at Xavier questionably. “Did you finish that potion?”
Xavier regretted asking, knowing it would be the same progress time after time again.
“Well there are alteration I still have to do-“
“What alterations? I never did say once you could make alteration to the potion, did I Mr. Martin?” Mr. Rubel asked,
Xavier sighed. “No, you didn’t. I just-“
“Thought you could make it better. Mr. Martin, I only want the potion I asked for. Not some other potion because we haven’t tested that on animals in NAPA while the potion I asked you to make has been tested and mostly, my parents used it too.”
“Yes, but-“
“Mr. Martin there is nothing to say. I want you to use the potion recipe I gave you and make it. Or else!” Mr. Rubel ordered, slamming his fist on the table making Xavier jump.
“Of course, sir. I’ll make you potion the way you like it,” Xavier said quietly.
Mr. Rubel nodded sternly, rubbing his temples with his fingers. “You can leave now, Xavier.”
Xavier never heard Mr. Rubel call him by his first name. Something was wrong but decided to ignore it, once again. He got up from his seat, nodded to Mr. Rubel, and opened the door. He looked back at his manager, about to say something but decided wasn’t best. He didn’t want to end up like Carl Fisher, who disappeared after disagreeing with Mr. Rubel on the food to feed a certain goat.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Okay, Ms. Tuesday awesome chapter here. I love your story out line and I love how you are showing the story from multiple angles. I think only gifted writers can do this and I think you might be one of them. I loved the different personality and I could feel every emotion that Xavier had in this part of the story. Overall I have little to none to complain or review about your writing. It had a point and deliver and best of all a cliff hanger that makes you want to continue reading it. I love this story, please continue it.
Hey Tuesday!
#NaRevWriMo
So I read this one about an hour ago, but then I got distracted by a television show and now I am back and reviewing again! I have to say that this was another character... but I still don't think you have too many just yet. This time you are showing us a completely different point of view of someone who is working within NAPA. I have to say I like the points of view you have chosen. We get to see a bit of everything - the victim, the one who is part of the company who caused it as well as someone chasing NAPA. We're going to be able to see everything as it unravels thanks to the careful choices you made in selection. I think the discussion here is interesting because it shows Xavier as someone who might not be too happy with the position he is in, yet he still does it. I can only hope to learn more as I keep reading!
Even though you mention at the end that there is good cause to be afraid of Mr. Rubel - it's not everyday that workers disappear of course - I never really sensed that Xavier was really afraid during the conversation they shared. Sure, you did make him seem nervous by backing down from the joke he made very quickly and so on. But I don't think you can really say that nervousness equates to fear. I would want him to maybe have shaking hands, or think over everything he has said after he has said it. I don't know his character too well because I am just meeting him, but you as the author does. What would Xavier's actions/movements be like if he was scared? How do they change from the usual? Try and slip in a couple of those things in this chapter and it will add a whole lot more to the tone, mood, and our general view of Mr. Rubel as well.
Thinking about Mr Rubel, I also wanted to know his level of importance. You do show us him bossing around Xavier and I get the impression he might be head of NAPA because he has details that Xavier doesn't and the capability of making people disappear. But there potentially could be someone above him yet, someone that he has to answer to as well. So maybe you could mention if he was the boss of all bosses, or maybe if there is someone above him as well who is actually the leader of all of NAPA.
I know I have mentioned this before when we first met Martha her husband, but I have to say this again. We have a new character here, and I wasn't really able to imagine him. I got the vague sense of Mr. Rubel, but don't be afraid of adding a bit more description. It doesn't have to be poetic or in too much detail - whatever feels comfortable for your writing style. But the reader should be able to have their own image of the character in their head, and this can easily be done with minimum description. So try adding a little bit about that in there.
Continuing on with the theme of description, one thing I want to be seeing a bit more of would have to be setting. I always get the vague sense of it, and when it comes to Mr. Rubel's office I can actually picture it fairly well. But we are inside NAPA right now, a place we have never been and seems to be the center cause of the whole novel at the moment! I wanted to know a bit more about it, and see it this time as well. When Xavier starts off in the lab, add in some more description! Show us the little things that catch his eye through windows as he walks down the hall on the way to Mr Rubel's office so that we can also better paint a picture of the whole secret facility. Show us glimpses of the people he passes so we know what kind of people make it into the NAPA (and through that, also who doesn't) as well as what they might be required to wear. I want to know! My mind is brimming with curiosity that only you have the words to satisfy
Nitpick time! TheSilverFox covered a lot of things so I tried not to repeat theirs! Apologies if I do...
I would make that comma at the end a dash instead - one of those I mean. I feel like it would work better here, and I am not too sure that comma is used completely correctly.
I also pulled that out because he mentioned it having been three weeks and he hadn't come up with the potion. But three weeks is not really that much in terms of scientific researching and all that! Usually they get a bit more time than that, so when he was like only three weeks I was pretty shocked. Three weeks is not that much to have a breakthrough!
I don't think the commas work well here. I would make the first one a full stop and start the next sentence with 'He walked... etc'. I would also make the other comma disappear and in its place continue the sentence with 'knowing he would have to tell the manager... etc'. The verb 'trying' doesn't quite work here...
No comma needed in this sentence! If you get rid of it and instead put 'so that the manager' then it can stay one sentence. Also, I think you mean 'could' instead of cold.
I think you are missing the word 'the' between this and reason.
It is either 'there are alterations' because the are suggests it to be plural, or there 'is an alteration' to keep it singular.
Due to context... *alterations.
That's all I have to say for this chapter! I am loving this and actually really enjoying reading! I thought I would only review one chapter of this this week, but you actually have me intrigued so I just keep reading ^^
Deanie x
Hey Tues!
Whoa, more new characters. At least we know who Mr. Rubel is... sort of.
The main plot seems pretty good, just introducing a lot of new things.
It feels weird that you use the word potion a lot. It isn't very scientific or technical, and makes it seem rather magical, like a mystical remedy that probably won't work. Also, it seemed like Xavier was just trying to make the right mixture through experimentation, but then-
Why is Xavier the only one making it? If there is a recipe, then Mr. Rubel can simply distribute it and mass produce, yes? Maybe Xavier is the only one for the job...
This doesn't make much sense to me. "Xavier wasn’t pleased about it nonetheless he did want to make the potion." That would make a little more sense... I don't get the part about the voting. Maybe, "Xavier wasn’t pleased about it and didn't want to make the potion, nonetheless everyone voted for him." That would be a little better, but we still don't know who everyone is, and why they voted for him.
There are quite a few little technical errors in here, such as "cold" instead of "could". (second paragraph) Everyone makes those, so you're totally fine. Just look over it if you have time and see if you can spot some to fix.
I'm really enjoying this so far, and I can't wait for more of the plot and characters to come together!
-Falco
Hello, Tues! I'm (or, as you like to call me, Peppers.
) here to review your chapter! 
The correct form, in this sentence, goes like this: office," a voice over the intercom called. When using a speaker tag that cannot stand as its own as a sentence (in this case, it is a clause that is complete with a subject and verb, but lacks a complete thought), it is almost always appropriate to attach it to the quote through the usage of a comma, as shown above.First and foremost, I feel like the chapter suffers in terms of its readability. There are quite a few grammar errors, such as commas that don't belong and others that should be placed within a particular sentence, as well as sentences that lack important elements, or happen to be confusing or repetitive. As such, it wasn't easy for me to read through the story; the flow was broken whenever I ran into an awkward sentence, and I was confused about some of the details you provided. I'd like to highlight these sentences, as well as possible solutions for each of them:
In this case, the comma is unnecessary; the information about where the man is present is necessary, so it should not be separated by commas. Whenever you have a question about whether or not a comma should be in a sentence, make sure that you first read aloud the sentence with the comma, and then again without it. Go with whatever sounds smoother.
In the first sentence, "He walked up for the past times" sounds a little confusing to me. I understand what you're trying to communicate, but the wording is odd. Something like "he had walked up countless times before," would sound smoother in relation to the rest of the sentence and help improve the wording. In the second sentence, replace the "was" with "had been." "Had been" helps communicate something that has taken place in a farther-back past period of time in such a situation as this, where the entire tense is the past tense, whereas "was" makes the sentence sound a little odd. Oh, and you also made a spelling error; it's "could," not "cold."
I'm completely confused by this sentence. So, I can see that Xavier's not pleased with his being rushed by everybody around him, but he does want to make the potion. However, what does "everyone voted from him in a second" mean? I'm not entirely sure what this overall sentence is supposed to communicate, and I think would be better off removing the "everyone voted" part, including a comma between "it" and "nonetheless," and switching the place of the adjoining words "he" and "did." That would make the sentence smoother and more concise.
I notice that you seem to use "door" a lot. The repetitive use of the word "door" messes with the flow of the sentences, and makes them sound awkward and a little boring, as I'm not sure most people would like to repeat the word "door" four times in four sentences. You could either try to remove the word "door" with the pronoun "it" in this situation, or you could also use synonyms in place of the word. This could help provide variety to your sentences and make them flow better. Furthermore, the comma in the second sentence is unnecessary; you're better off removing it.
Use "but" instead of "and" and place a comma between "but" and "before."
The "for" at the end of the sentence is unnecessary.
I'm not sure what you're trying to say in this sentence. I understand the general gist of the sentence, but the wording is strange. You could try breaking it up into two or more sentences and then try to communicate each individual idea clearly. For instance, you could describe how Mr. Martin knows the answer, but feels it might be a trick, but decides that he will answer in this particular manner. That could help improve the flow of the sentence and leave the reader from being stuck and confused.
"Had been," not "was." I also notice that you seem to violate the rule of parallelism, which states that, when you describe a series of actions in a row, make sure that the verbs are all in the same form. In this case, "nodding" and "sitting" are not in the same form as "looked." Replace "nodding" with "nodded," and "sitting" with "sat."
This seems to be another violation of parallelism. Replace "leaned" with "leaning."
I think you were intending to say "it," not "in," I assume?
I assume you meant "it's" instead of "is."
In this case, "questioningly" is the appropriate word to use, rather than "questionably."
Replace "progress" with "answer." "Answer" makes the sentence sound smoother, and communicates Xavier's hopeless, somewhat futile situation more clearly.
The comma at the end of this sentence doesn't belong. Replace it with a period.
Include the word "and" between "table" and "making."
Include the word "he" between "but" and "decided," and remove the comma in the sentence; it isn't necessary.
Insert the word "it" between "decided" and "wasn't."
...and that's about it. However, I deeply enjoyed the story that you created, Tuesday! I'm fascinated by NAPA's history, as well as the mysterious nature of the potion and it's purpose. I love the sense of mystery that you convey throughout the chapter (which, obviously, is appropriate - your novel is called "Billi Wack and the Story of Mystery), and I feel bad for Xavier Martin and his situation. The story was fun to read from start to finish, and I liked the characters and your sense of character development. You did a nice job conveying average business at NAPA, and I'm left eager to read more and learn more about the company NAPA. Overall, well done!
Thank you!
I shall have those things edited into this chapter! This review is amazing!
Well, I spent 40 minutes writing it, and it's about 5,300 characters. XD So, yes, you're welcome.