Final Destination: Chapter 5 Edited

by Tiaradyson

Published May 6, 2014

12+

In Final Destinations

Previously on Final Destination: Wyatt's not coping with the lost of Marie and his wounds are getting worse. They're being to bleed through his clothes and refuses a doctor. The next morning Wyatt goes to work, as a banker. And finds a man an a dog in his office...

“Wyatt Walker? Doesn't sound English to me.” The man has a husky, cold, voice. The big man reaches into his pants pocket for a folded note and unravels it. “ Stevie Nicks, Wyatt Walker and Marie Laveau.” When he hears her name, a bullet launches into his heart.

“You've been arrested for trespassing. Traveling and change in Future.” The big man skims through the unravelled note and continues to read from the bottom, “Must fix the past and if rebels, terminate. Stevie Nicks rebelled, Marie Laveau rebelled. Do you?”

There he said her name again, the bullet plunges deeper in his heart. The thought of her slowly glosses his eyes into tears and Wyatt turns away from the man.

The futurist man says to Wyatt, “Give us what we want and we will go away.” Wyatt thinks of Marie Laveau and groans. Telling himself, she wouldn't want Wyatt to change what they started. Marie Laveau was a French woman from 1901, the year he stood now looking at the eyed forehead man, who traveled back with Wyatt and Stevie Nicks of the incident of the Voyage Twelfth. Marie Laveau was so tempted to come back to this year and month of July, she restarted this year over and over. Wyatt remembered stiffing his arms in his knees when he was tired of hearing her sob over this day.

He tried asking why, but Marie Laveau had other questions to answer besides his own. Wyatt turned to face the man and denied the mans quest.

“Just like Stevie and Marie you wish to rebel?”

“I wish to finish what Marie started.” The man furiates with Wyatt and aims his pointer finger at him.

“Marie Laveau never finished what she started because no matter how many times she changed the past, she couldn't. Time has already passed. It was destined to blow up. Whether she went back another twenty years for her to destroy the blue prints. Those people on there was destined to die. Marie wasn't looking for you to be the savior. It was the man on the boat.” Wyatt's heart stops, nothing comes out his mouth but silent sobs. The man stretches his hand out towards Wyatt starring down at the spinning clock.

Wyatt sees the man eye the clock intensely and Wyatt shakes his head. At first the shake of Wyatt's head was confusedly unsure of. The more he thought of Marie the stronger he shook his head at the man. “You won't get it!” Wyatt says. He carelessly slams his arms onto the table, then rapidly drives his arms across; shoving everything off. The spinning clock falls along with the Newspaper and unnecessary pennies, falling to the floor with a high pitch thump.

The man reaches under Wyatt's desk and hauls it over his head. Wyatt is startled, he kneels and crawls to the corner of the wall. His arms hover over his head for protection. The man chuckles with joy as he smirks to Wyatt's fear in him. The man taunts Wyatt as he moves closer to him, “Not so tough are you? You had me for a second, that you would do something.” He smirks about. Wyatt slouches in the corner and says, “I thought you might call your mutt after me.”

“She's trained to listen,” he looks over his shoulder at his feminine canine and winces, proud of what he raised. Wyatt slouches in an awkward position, where his arms look like noodles lying at his waist.

“Give up?” The man asks Wyatt.

“One more round, but without the mutt interfering.”

“who says she will interfere?”

“Any mutt that loves their owner will. I've had a dog before.”

“Oh-what happened, it ran away?” The man jokes, but it does not seem funny to Wyatt.

“I killed it. Mutts smell. Louise wanted a puppy and I wanted peace and quiet.” The mans smirk fell upon his face and his cheeks redden.

“You're starting to smell too,” Wyatt kids. He chuckles to himself and he's reminded of the pain in his side and he groans with tears falling to his lips. Wyatt inhales strongly and chokes for oxygen. Wincing at the pain, he gives in to the futuristic man and points him in the direction of the spinning clock. The man bows his head to Wyatt and scuffs it in his pocket.

“Take care of it for me?” Wyatt croaks.

“You're not coming back to the Future?”

“No, I like it better here. Marie loves Connecticut.” The man shakes his head and rolls his eyes at Wyatt and says, “stop living in the past.” Wyatt chuckles at his cliche humor, “Louise makes me happy,” he lies.

The man hysterically laughs in Wyatt's face and sighs, “Sure.” The man knew Wyatt didn't care for Louise, he knew Wyatt would never move on from the thought of Marie. The man never did himself, he remembers her. That man was once Marie Laveau's partner, just like Wyatt was. They tried stopping The Voyage Twelfth. He loved Marie so much that when he looked down at Wyatt struggling to breath in his last few breaths he could get in. He pictures himself looking up to himself now, to what Marie Laveau left behind once again.

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
SpiritedWolfe
Review
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review Review · May 25, 2014

Hello Tiar, Wolf here for a review.
I find this a very interesting concept, and I'm very interested in there this will go.
Some nitpicks first:

In the first paragraph I was extremely confused. Who is this man? Also in the beginning you repeat 'the man' a lot. With this, I started to think there were more than one, but as I read on, I was under the impression that there were only two people there.

Also it seems strange to me that the story interrupted the dialogue that like in the first paragraph. Doing so just made it choppy and hard to understand. I wasn't sure if the 'first man' was talking or if a different man was. Please try making this more clear.

Time travel is a very mind boggling concept, and for the most part you do well with expressing these ideas of the plot. However, I was quite confused, again, at the mention of this girl. She was thought about in the beginning like she was alive and then she was claimed dead? Also in the first paragraph, I legitimately thought the man was shot. I like the hyperbole there, but can you make it more clear that its a feeling?

Other than a few missing commas or periods here and there, you grammar and spelling was great. Other than the fort paragraph the flow was very well done. Your character, as of what I've seen, is believable and somewhat relatable. Some of my confusion may have came from not reading the previous chapters, but I hope I helped. Keep Writing,
~Wolfare

User avatar
Milanimo
Review
Milanimo wrote a review Review · May 25, 2014

Hi! Sorry it took so long to get a review!

"Marie Laveau was a French woman from 1901," Have you mentioned her in previous chapters? I'm sorry I haven't been able to read your work chapter by chapter, but I say in another chapter you mentioned her. I can tell the character is clearly distraught by whatever happened to her, but try and have a chapter or two where she takes the background. That is unless this Marie is the driving force behind all of this.

“I wish finish what Marie started.” The man infuriates with Wyatt and aims his pointer finger at him." You need a 'to' in the middle of the "wish" and "finish".

"unravel note" This is from the first paragraph. I don't usually skip around but I just noticed it. Are you trying to say "unravelled"?

"Wyatt's startle by the mans strength, he kneels at his knees and crawls to the corner of the wall. His arms hover over his head for protection as he's knelt."
A few things here:
1. "Wyatt's startle". Change this to "Wyatt is startled".
2. You might want to get rid of the line saying he is startled by the man's strength. The reader should already be able to infer the shock of the seemingly random act the man just committed. In addition, Wyatt's actions speak for themselves.
3. "as he's knelt". This is unneeded. We already know he's knelt and you haven't mentioned him getting back up.

There's not much else I can critique. Your description of the events is nice and well thought out. Good job!

Yes Marie is mentioned throughout the chapters and Wyatt is broken because of his lost. I was going to put a chapter of only Marie back story, I guess I didn't think it would have an effect on readers so much they had to like know this women. Lol ^_^
And I will edit my work tonight and fix all the errors you recommend me

Haha it's fine! And you don't really need a back story, you might want to put a chapter though where he severely mourns her. Maybe he sits down for a second and thinks of a memory of her. There's so much going on in the chapter that it takes me away from how upset he is over his loss. Its a lot of action with spurts of him remembering her.

Okay thank you



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