A/N: By the way, In Sunder means to Break Apart; Separate.
Previously on Final Destination: Wyatt was attacked by a horse like canine who was forced to either return the device or die. Louise was having an Affair with Nicholas and Marie and Stevie was murdered. An anonymous visit from a futurist man and side kick canine come back to the past to take back the time traveling watch. Wyatt returned home and went back in time. Wyatt's has his last moments with Louise before he says good bye to her forever burns nearly half to death trying to get to where maybe it might be his final destination.
His body leaps out the portal, plunging into a pile of loosely bricks. The portal in sunder behind him and fades into mist. He's out cold for an hour before he jars himself awake. His vision tries to adjust, but he could barely open his eyes. It is as if someone had ground sand in both, repeatedly. His body was outstretched on broken boards, stiff from the uncomfortable position he laid in for an hour. The room's scorching hot and he can see the steam towering his body, his torn clothes sticking to his wet flesh. He inhales the hot air and settles down while his lungs burn. His throat feels like a Sahara desert, mounting for water and shade.
Meanwhile, the oak wood beneath Wyatt's body reeks of mildew and its sour taste lingers on his tongue stinging his taste buds right off! A nauseating feeling begins rolling around in his stomach, and crawling up his throat. He scuffs his hand over his mouth and nose and tells himself don't throw up. When he has it all under control, his hand settles back to his waist and he questions where he is.
Musky planks for shelves in a corner of his right, holding empty cases of glue bottles, hammers on rackets and a continuum supply of bleach bottles stash beside the shelves. Wyatt creeps through the room. Astonish by the size, it has to be the size of a duplex. The room he gradually walk through arouse his senses. He pictures it all, in front of him a mahogany chaise lounge with royal purple case cushions.
Above him, a chandelier. Drizzled in gold, it's structured like... He couldn't put a finger on it, but it looked like a jellyfish to him. Hung by its tentacles, drilled into the ceiling. Its sphere base, circled by lite vanilla candles. There, a thousand Diamonds, alined in a pattern, draping from the gold structures. The room finally lit up to him, and he almost was positive what this place was. He shuts his eyes and imagine the kind of music they'd play, something loud with base.... the thought sat his tongue. A trumpet, the loud instrument blew.
There was dancing too, the patter of oiled soles being flung across the flooring. There was catering, he remembers. His mouth waters, It is as if the food sat right in front of him on a long white covered table. Silver utensils balled in a dove napkin. They served corn bread, pig in a blanket, fresh and picked peaches, wine and fine dinning. Little nitpicks Wyatt remembered. but nothing else but the smell and the room size seems familiar. This wasn't what he asked for. He was either too far ahead in the future, or some where back, behind 1901. His head falls into hands and he sobers to himself.
The floorboard yearn and cries by the sudden movement of feet. A sign of concern gnaws at his fears and nothing's making sense of it. Wyatt's head jerks back from his hands and checks his own feet. wait, that's not me...
He scans the room for a face, an arm, a body part that stands out to him. Something to tell himself he's not alone. His head stops spinning, and his heart begins a continuum of two beats a minute. Slowing his breathing, his hand raises to his heart. There wasn't enough concentration, that could help him slow his heart rate. The hairs on the back of his neck rises and the echoing of foot steps, pounce in through one ear and scrambles the thoughts in his head.
Wyatt stands still and his mind races to the finish line. To what is happening- to who's there, there's too many things happening all at once. He pushes the thought of the familiar features and the someone coming, aside and scrambles for an exit. If he knew this place like he thought, he'd know the way in and the ways out. He forks over and an unfamiliar face looks down to Wyatt, to a thick white male about his thirties. A baby beer gut beneath his buttoned up dress shirt, with an open gray coat and a missing a tie. Wyatt's eyes wonders to the mans feet who'd seem to be barefoot. His pants stained of white powder from his ankles to his knees. He eye the beady eyed man who craves suspicion of Wyatt.
The man has jagged gray hairs neighboring his face. A bushy mustache with side burns connecting his exaggerated beard. There's a chain of braids made into his beard, that swings down to the fourth button of his dress shirt. “Looks like you're in a real pickle,” he exclaims.
End of chapter
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140,763 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
Hey! I'm back (as you asked). And I am going to give this my all.
Alright here goes,
"His body leaps out the portal, plunging into some loosely bricks."
Loosely bricks? Are you sure? This doesn't sound right to me. Maybe you could say loosely strewn bricks.
"His body was outstretched on broken boards,"
Okay, so first you say he fell on bricks. Now he's on boards? You might want to revise this.
"The room's scorching and he can see the steam towering his body,"
When I read this sentence I was like 'okay, the room's scorching what?' Do you get what I mean? This sounds like something belonging to the room is scorching.
Oh! And by the way, the first sentence that I quoted was in present tense but the second was in past.
"He scuffs his hand over his mouth and nose and tells himself don't throw up."
Two things here. The word scuff doesn't fit what you're trying to say here. I think It should be stuff. He stuffs his hand over his mouth and nose. Or you could think of a different word.
"Musky planks for shelves in a corner of his right, holding empty cases of glue bottles, hammers on rackets and a continuum supply of bleach bottles stashed beside the shelves. Wyatt creeps through the room. Astonished by the size, had to be the size of a duplex. The room he gradually walk through arouse his senses. He pictured it all. In front of him, a mahogany chaise lounge with royal purple case cushions."
Maybe its just me cause this is the only chapter I've read. This description isn't all grammatically correct but its good imagery. And there's the random shift between tenses
"The room he gradually walk through arouse his senses. He pictured it all. In front of him, a mahogany chaise lounge with royal purple case cushions." here.
The next two paragraphs are a bit confusing but okay once you read them carefully.
"The floorboard yearn and cry by the sudden movement of feet. A sign of concern gnaws at his fears and nothing's making sense of it. Wyatt's head jerks back from his hands and checks his own feet. wait, that's not me..."
Alright, the 1st sentence has a bit of verb problem. Yearn? Huh? Think about it. And cry. You could say cries.
And by the way, when you're including his personal thoughts, you could change the font or something. Make it italic, I don't know. Just make it more obvious.
"Something to tell himself he wasn't alone. His head stops spinning, and his heart begins a continuum of two beats a minute. Slowing his breathing, his hand raises to his heart. There wasn't enough concentration, that could help him slow his heart rate. The hairs on the back of his neck raises and the echoing of foot steps, pounce in through one ear and scrambles the thoughts in his head."
You keep repeating the switch between tenses. its disconcerting at times. And hey, hair never raises, hair rises.
"Wyatt stood frozen." Again the tense change.
Yeah that's about it.
Phew
*sighs out of relief*
Dude, I'm glad you asked me to help you. And I'm glad I was at least able to try.I really hope that this jumbo thingy is useful to you.
Never quit writing buddy!!!
plunging means to dive, as in he fell into a pile of bricks. doesn't mean the floor board is brick ^_^
Scorching is hot, so why should I say scorching hot. That's how I see it.
I dig the italic idea. I agree
Sorry about the rises, I thought rises was a past tense like raise is a present.
That's what im talking about, full on help. That was seriously needed! So much advice and so many mistakes to fix.
Thank you
You're right about the scorching part, I will fix that
Hey glad I was able to help and sorry for all the personal preferences I crammed in there...
Sometimes personal preferences are needed
Hey there! Here for a review!
So the first thing I noticed was that you keep switching between tenses and it doesn't make sense overall. But I understood what you were trying to say. Might want to work on that. Also, I think you should work on your descriptions. Some of the sentences don't sound right. Tell you something. Try reading the stuff you write out loud.
Never quit writing!!!!
You did not help at all. It would have been nice if you pointed things out....
Hehe... Sorry
I was in a bit of a hurry
Maybe I'll try tomorrow...
Tell me the descriptions that don't sound right please
Hi, I'm Kayfortnight! I haven't read your previous chapters, so forgive me if this review is incomplete.
I'm not sure what the "in sunder" means.Tense switch. Was should be is.
This should be something along the lines of his vision tries to adjust, but he could barely open his eyes.
Should be it is (tense switch), and ground sand into, not had grind sand in.
You have quite a few tense switches in here overall. I'll stop commenting on them individually, and just point out you should either stick with past tense or present, not both.
Sentence fragment. Also, you're saying the room was ihaling the air in this sentence, which I don't think is what you were going for.
His name twice in two sentences. You should replace one with his.
Redundancy. If you're telling yourself something, it is generally assumed it is done mentally.
Doesn't make sense.
Sentence fragments.
Comma splice. There should be an and or but after the comma.
Comma splice.
All fragments.
Fragment.
thanks