Previously on Final Destination: Wyatt has woken to a party tragedy and runs into a little future problems. His wife Louise, the prostitute, is spending too much time with Nicholas. Marie and Stevie, partners of Wyatt were murdered. Wyatt's wounded and needs a hospital and his watch has just been taken by a futuristic man and side kick of a canine.
The man sighs again because he knew exactly how Wyatt feels. Losing something so important is like tearing a piece of your heart and letting it fall to the ground like ash. The man turns away, ready for his eyes to gloss up at the thought of Marie. He walks to his canine and nuzzles his head into her shoulder blade. He buries his tears in her fur till his cheeks are completely dry. The two partners, the mutt and the futurist man, flurries into broken shards and in like a light, they left. Their shards floating away like butterflies out Wyatt's office window.
It doesn't take long for Wyatt to get back on his feet and hop down the road. He's not worrying if anyone questions his office and the noise from upstairs. Wyatt's worries because if the futurist man returns home and settles all the dates that Marie, Stevie and Wyatt changed. It would take a while for them to put it back. Wyatt scurries home to his wife and slams the door behind himself. The loud bangs from the door, catches her breath from upstairs and she's tempting to see who it is.
She tightens the rope around her waist and huddles down the steps. While Wyatt fishes for Louise his eyes aimlessly moves to spots he thinks his wife Louise hid it. Her hair's frizzle, it's red curls out of place. She stands in front of a mirror before heading down, fixing little pieces that looks a bit too suspicious. Her arms locked to her chest, she comes running into Wyatt's arms slobbering her lips along his collarbone.
“You're home early honey.” She runs another line of kisses down his collarbone, and it became a bit to much for Wyatt to handle. He cuts to the case, and shoves her off.
“Where is my watch?” There's depth in his voice, a powerful bass that even makes Louise backs away. From the way she stares at him regularly with her bored eyes, she's full aware now.
“You need to be at work, the bills won't pay themselves.” She turns his back away from the steps and laughs with squeamish. Wyatt's eyebrows raises to suspicion. His eyebrows curves like a check and he frowns like a mad man.
“Is Nicholas here?” He has a sour tone to his question. He already knows Nicholas visits, but he wanted to here it from Louise. Wyatt slams his hands into his face and groans.
“Louise? IN MY HOME!” He shouts at the top of his lungs, hollers so that Nicolas in Wyatt's bed can hear. He's so brain dead, his head begins to hurt. So much thinking in so little time, it stresses Wyatt.
“It doesn't matter. No later than five minutes you will have this house to yourself and when you can barely pay for it and Nicholas leaves. You will wish you never did that to me,” he nods his head and agrees with himself. “Where's my watch?”
In no time at all Louise is up and out of her bed robe getting the clock.
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Hi!
"The man sighs again because he knew exactly how Wyatt feels" Change "knew" to "knows". "Knew" is past tense.
"feels, losing something so important is like tearing a piece of your heart and letting it fall to the ground like ash." You're trying to out two independent clauses together. Make these into separate sentences.
"The man turns away, ready for his eyes to gloss up for the thought of Marie. He walks to his canine and slender his head into her shoulder blade. He buries his tears in her fur till his cheeks are completely dry."
Okay, bear with me as I go through these critiques. First, I'm not a fan of the getting ready for his eyes to gloss up. It's almost like he expects to mourn; like he has to mourn for her and is forcing tears.
The second sentence has the word "slender" which doesn't seem like much of an action word. Try "nuzzle".
The third sentence just needs "completely" to be removed.
"It didn't take long for Wyatt to get back on his feet and hop down the road."
1. It "doesn't", not "didn't".
2. It sounds like he's too eager to stop mourning. It's like he's over it. You don't have to constantly mention his pain. He can push it aside until it is the foreground of the story.
"Her arms locked to her chest, she comes running into Wyatt's arms slobbering her whore-ish lips along his collarbone." The "whore-ish" part sounds a bit too opinionated, and the narrator should try to be indifferent.
That's all I have. Good job!
Imma spoil it lol because I don't plan to finish this story but Wyatt doesn't care all that much because he had a copy of the watch
The other watch the man took is a decoy
Hey! IamTraunt here to review!
I'm sorry I haven't read previous chapters but I'll do my best to understand
Corrections
Now this doesn't not sound grammatically correct, I think it should be 'The man turns away, ready for his eyes to gloss up at thought of Marie'. Just a little pointer. And good description by the way! I think the word 'glossy' is a perfect way of putting across how upset the man is.
Storyline
I like where your story is taking you, no matter where I come into it and read. It is fast paced and flows well. You immediately go into action, you don't babble on about this 'futurist man's' feelings, you get straight to the point, which I like. Well done. Also, you added in some drama with Wyatt's wife cheating on him, which makes you feel sorry for him, giving the reader something to react to.
Characters
Well, I can't say all that much about Wyatt as I haven't read the previous chapters, but the way you make him react to his wife cheating on him is completely life like and believable. I mean, I wouldn't be as calm as him - but that's me. I'm sure a good percentage of people would react in the same way as he did. Also, you made the read feel sorry for the man who was in Wyatt's office as his loved one (I'm presuming) has died. As you know, I haven't read the previous chapters, but I'm guessing this man isn't that well-known to the reader as you refer to him as 'man'. But still, you brought out his feelings well.
Great work! Keep writing!
Thank you for that!
Your welcome!