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Young Writers Society


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Final Destination Chapter 14 (Edited)

by Tiaradyson


“Before you say anything, let me explain.” Wyatt's hands raised over his head, gripping his locks.

“Explain? You've had years to and because I'm sick and tired of doing this crap, you've finally came up with some lousy excuse? What is there to explain-where to start? Your obsession over Marie or her obsession over a ship?” His questions compacted over Wyatt's every thought and he didn't know which question to answer first.

“As your best friend, I was always there. I stuck by your side, through the worst times. I gave up my life just so you can get something better than the one you had before.  And look where it got us!”

Stevie shrieked, lifting his arms up. "I'm not sure I can go on this way, I don't even think our friendship means anything to you anymore." Stevie sighed and his eyes fell to his feet, Wyatt could see he was unhappy.

"But..." The words didn't play out his mouth, liked he hoped. Wyatt was hushed and interrupted by Stevie's plead. 

 “I want to go back home,” the words hurled effortlessly out of Stevie's mouth.

Hearing the words "home" didn't sound familiar to Wyatt. He hadn't been home since he left twelve years ago. Wyatt had been on the run with the device for so long, every destination was a trip, but there was no place he stayed for long to call his home. He didn't want Stevie to leave, if he left who would he fall too? Louise? No, she may have kept their secret for some time now, but it's nothing compared to how long Stevie had kept his secret.

Wyatt pleaded with him to stay, but his mind was already made up and Stevie was leaving the next morning.

A loud ring of knocking alarms Wyatt and he doesn't remember anyone knocking on a door when Stevie and Wyatt spoke, but the pitch sound, sounds realer than his memory. His eyes open and the knocking continues.

“Who is it?” Wyatt peaks over the porcelain walls and asks.

“Sir, dinner is almost ready. Please come down, your clothes are sitting at the door.” He wonders who's speaking, he knows it's not one of the three maids from earlier. This person-woman- has a very high pitch voice, like a doll from off a Barbie commercial.

“I will be out,” he lies. He leans back into the back rest and works his memory to the worse part.

The beast from that night couldn't be human, it made too much of a mess for it to be. What drown Wyatt's mind with thoughts and questions he couldn't even answer, was where was everyone? He remembers Marie and Stevie running through the hallways, trying to escape, but he couldn't put his finger on it. Why did they stay?

He remembered a howling wind shrieking in the distance, the icy rush of wind crawling along his skin as he dashed through the halls. There was the sound of branches scraping against a window and angry patters of shoes from all directions. He felt the walls closing in and death whispering his name.

A paw hovered over his head and five claws, outstretched towards him, gashed at his arm. It smelt of murky lake water with a hint of wet dog in the air. He surrendered onto floorboard and yearned for his life. A burning eye glows in the dark, focusing right on him and it groaned. “Give us what we want and we will go away.”

It was like Deja-vu had punched him right in the gut and he hadn't even noticed until now, he's had a run in with that dog more than twice. The dog never killed him, it had spared his life three times and Wyatt didn't know why.

Wyatt pushes himself out the tub and heads for the door. He slightly opens it and looks down to his feet for the clothes that were mentioned earlier. The clothes picked out for him are too big. He can't get a hold on the pants, they droop to his thighs. He's in a see-through blouse with brown suspenders tighten over his shoulder blades, they're somewhat holding the pants up. His golden locks are nearly dry, but it still drips, soaking into the white blouse. A pair of white socks and overly sized underwear.

These are so uncomfortable.

He feels awkward, walking through a house he's never been in. He'd seen this in a movie once, where the new guy gets to stay in a stranger's home and they find out the stranger is a psychopath.

It is one of his many worries, that he feels towards people and he thinks he might have to live that moment. Wyatt gathers all his thoughts and pushes them away, but leaves one question squandering.

Where is my watch?


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233 Reviews


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Sun Jul 27, 2014 8:52 pm
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Cithara wrote a review...



Writer here on this lovely review day!
GO TEAM AQUA
Anyway, I haven't read any of the other chapters yet, but I'll make sure to do so! It's rather interesting :)

“Explain? You've had years to explain to me. Now because I'm sick and tired of doing this crap, you want to explain to me. What is there to explain-where to start?

Hmm, a little bit of redundancy. You say "explain" four times here... I know Stevie is trying to prove a point that there is too much to explain...but maybe switch out one of those "explain"s with a synonym. Just to spice it up a bit :)

Wyatt's hands raised over his head,
Stevie shrieked and his arms raised up.

Look at these two sentences. They're awfully similar. Maybe change one of them to something different. Stevie shrieked, lifting his arms in the air Just to add to the description :)

“ I want to go back home,” the words hurled effortlessly out his mouth.

Few things here: close the space between " and I. Also, I would put a period after "home" instead of a comma and then capitalize "The" :)

Hearing the words home didn't sound familiar to Wyatt.

First off, "home" is one word, so: Hearing the word "home" Put quotes around the word he's referring to just to be more specific :)

He hadn't been home since he left 12 years ago.

Unless it's a phone number or an address or a super long number, a number should be written out XD I would change "12" to "twelve"

So those are just a few nitpicks, I would go back and revise. Look at all of your punctuation and just make sure everything is correct. :)
Honestly, I got confused at first when the tense changed. I was like, "wait, it was past, now it's present? What?" but then I read on and I wasn't as confused anymore. Just be careful when you make those tense changes. You only put in one sentence to let us know you were gonna change tenses. Maybe that's okay, but it didn't help me, because I still got thrown off when I kept reading,
Great job with the plot! These two characters seem very interesting.
I will go on to read the rest!
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Tiaradyson says...


Thank you and I fixed my errors



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Sun Jul 27, 2014 8:27 pm
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SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hello, Tiara, Wolf here for a review.

So this kind if seems strangely familiar, and I think I might have reviewed an earlier chapter, but I'm not entirely sure. The impression I get from this chapter is that these guys are doing something that they're not supposed to, thus the need to keep a secret. Also, I think there is something to do with time travel.

I guess since I haven't read previous chapters, I'm not entirely sure what the relevance of his watch is. Is it the time traveling device? Is it a family heirloom? Is it super valuable? I'm not really sure what you can do about that, but all I'm pointing out is where I'm confused.

The interactions between Wyatt and Stevie seemed kind of forced. Usually guys don't usually act like that, and I haven't seen enough of his personality to think of it as what he would usually do. Maybe draw it out more, rather than it just ending with Steivie deciding to leave. Make it more dramatic, and believable.

When he was in the bath, was Wyatt having a flashback? Maybe try to make it more clear because it was in the middle of this intense moment and suddenly he gets out of the bath. Like, what? Or you could try to add in a smooth transition, just to allows clarity that its only a memory and not really happening. Anyways, this was still interesting. Happy Review Day and Keep Writing,
~Wolfare

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Tiaradyson says...


Sure can! and yes it's a time traveling watch. It's only valuable when someone knows what it can do, but if they don't. It doesn't look valuable.



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Sun Jul 27, 2014 7:51 am
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manisha wrote a review...



Hi again. Manisha here for chapter 14.
I'll review as I read :)

He was anger at Wyatt, he could see it on his face. Blaming Wyatt for the mess theyhad got themselves into.
anger is angry. And I've added a word.

Wyatt shuts the door behind him and watched Stevie growl between his closed lips.
shuts and watched. See the two tenses here? There must be avoided. Stick with one tense.

Hearing the words home didn't sound familiar to Wyatt.
Rephrase - The word home didn't sound familiar to Waytt.

Wyatt peaks over the porcelain walls and asks.
He peaks over? Where his he? It is difficult to imagine.

The beast from that night couldn't be human, it made to too much of a mess for it to be. What drown Wyatt's mind with thoughts and questions he couldn't even answer was where was everyone?
The second sentence makes no sense. Clear it up.

A paw hovered his head and five claws, outstretched towards him, gashed at his arm.
hovered over his head.

He sundered into floorboard and yearned for his life.
what do you mean by sundered? The word doesn't fit here. Did you mean surrendered?
Then it must go like this- He surrendered onto the floorboard.

The ending is abrupt. And it seems out of place from the previous paragraph. Try to bring in the flow.

Overall,
This chapter needs a lot of working. The previous one did well, but this was confusing and mixed up in places. It become hard to follow because of the tense. You are having the problem probably because you are trying to shift between the flash back narration and the present day narration. You seem to have a good story going on here. Read through the chapter to pick out the mis-guided sentences. You need to work on the commas and punctuations. All these can be easily learnt so no worry there.
This link will prove very useful-
viewforum.php?f=151

You keep writing!

I hope I helped. If you have any questions feel free to PM me! :D




Tiaradyson says...


Thank you, and by porcelain walls, I mean he was still in the bath tub.



manisha says...


Ah makes sense now! :)




We are discreet sheep; we wait to see how the drove is going, and then go with the drove.
— Mark Twain