Final Destination Chapter 10 (Edited)

by Tiaradyson

Published July 12, 2014

E - Everyone

In Final Destinations

It's strictly business now, he's determined to find his watch. While he walks through the alley with Bird Man flung to his waist like a leather pouch. Wyatt didn't know where to start, he woke up with no answers but a man who watched over him while he was out for a couple hours. His mind springs from one thought to another wondering where to start and how?

Wyatt leans over to Bird Mans side and asks, “While I was asleep, did anyone come anywhere near me?”

Bird man nods, a few times and gives him a small list of stranger's names he's never heard of. The list is small, five people that was around Wyatt while he was unconscious. Foreign, Ghostly, Banjo, Boxie and Frigid. Bird Man says anyone who lives on the streets gets nicknames for what, who, they may look or act like. It's quite common, so Wyatt shouldn't worry about trying to find them. They're supposedly easier to find than a general citizen.

It's simple, thought Wyatt. He just doesn't know how simple it will be, and he groans at the thought he might have to work a little hard to find his watch again. Everything just seemed too fast for him to grasp and he pleas to himself, someone please help. Bird Man bites at the scab of his bottom lip and his eyes roll up to the sky, thinking extremely hard . After a couple minutes of concentration, his eyes rolls back to their original place and they light up with gleam. He winces proudly at the thought and gives Wyatt a pat on the back.

“But there was a women,” he repeatedly snaps his fingers trying to remember her. Wyatt's head lifts up to Bird Man's and he's waits for him to continue. “I saw her, looking through your pockets. That was why I moved you into the warehouse.”

That's great, he thought. “What's her name?” Bird Man's smile vanishes and his eyes wonder to his feet. “Well?” Wyatt asks.

“I don't know her, I've never seen her on the streets before. I think she's rich, she wore a lot of gold, a big fur coat and black shoes.”

“What does black shoes have to do with how she looks?”

“They were polished. “ Wyatt gives Bird Man a deadly glare and sucks in his teeth. “Doesn't that mean anything to you?” Bird Man ask. When he put it that way, it almost makes Wyatt want to believe Bird Man. Wyatt didn't know why he trust him, he barely knew him. He isn't sure if it's the way he looks or how Bird Man approached him.

He could be harmless, he doesn't look like he has a single bone in his body to hurt anyone. He pushes the thought away and wonders if Bird Man is right about the women, being rich and looking through his pockets. Well, that summons somethings up... There could be a hundred rich people in Connecticut.

They finally reach the end of the alley and into an occupied street with a burning sun flowering over their heads. A clear blue sky captivating the view of Connecticut. They're facing a building with one half of the building's wall down one street and the other half straight down another street. It took up almost the whole block. Two ionic arches stand at the entrance of double-doors on the left side of the street leading into what seems to be a movie theater. Featuring a new movie, Cry- Baby, at 7:30 tonight.

There is rodeo of Cadillacs park outside the theater with beautiful beach blonde ladies stepping out of them. Yellow sun dresses and young women tucking their white sweaters into their plaid skirts with a tight pony tail hanging to their shoulders. The smell of this new Connecticut flares his nostrils and this time, it's the good kind of flaring.

The raving smell makes a monster inside gnaw at his empty stomach. His growling stomach roars, loud enough that even Bird Man can hear it. Wyatt rests his hand over his stomach and images what he's smelling. An Eastern grilled flounder, Wyatt loves fish more than Connecticut's best Pig' N' a Blanket.

He takes another big whiff and savors the sweet smell. He could tell it's not meat, but he knows it's fried. He recognizes some spices used for the food. Garlic, paprika, something hot and strong- spices known to smell.

“You hungry?” Bird man looks down to Wyatt.

“Just a bit,” Bird Man fishes for his front pocket and pulls out a brown wallet. Wyatt eyes it menacingly, why did he have one, he's poor right? That's what Wyatt thought. He looks into his wallet and sees money stash in it.

Loads of it!

Bird Man leads Wyatt across the street and to a stand outside of a big blue Candy Store with spices driving both their taste buds insane. Bird Man orders two Crispy Gators and hands the man at the stand loosely change. Wyatt 's too hungry to ask what is Gator, he just bites into it. The fritters have an amazing, light, flaky, spicy coating to it. Its rich oil rest at the back of his throat. The Gator's crispy, it has good crunch to it. The loud smacking of his lips, rings his ears.

He licks the rest of what's left off his lips and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. The crumbs come falling to his ripped shirt and he almost forgets, that Bird Man has cash in his pocket. “Since when do you have money?” Wyatt asks.

“Oh?” Bird Man chuckles. He's on his last bite, as the Gator works its way down his esophagus. He pecks at his finger tips till the crumbs are all gone, “Now what were you saying?”

Comments & reviews · 2
ThereseCricket wrote a review Review · Jul 27, 2014

Hi! Cricket here for a review! AGAIN. I think I've reviewed some of this earlier, but I don't remember much, so please, just bear me for now. :D

YOUR PARAGRAPHING IS JUST BEAUTIFUL. How do you do it?! (I'll mention one or two spots that I think need just a little something later on in my review) I mean, everything seems to flow so smoothly into each other, and nothing seems to clash with each other, at all!

Typo

It's strictly business now, he's determined to find his watch


So I reread and reread this one sentence, and I couldn't understand it, until I saw that you were missing an [d] at the end of determined. So I'm fairly sure that's what's missing! :D

Wyatt didn't know where to start, he woke up with no answers but a man who watched over him while he was out for a couple hours. Nothing makes sense to him, his mind springs from one thought to another wondering where to start and how?


These lines seem a bit vague to me. Like they were written out in a hasty moment. Maybe revise them a bit?

Wyatt leans over to Bird Mans side and asks, “While I was asleep, did anyone come anywhere near me?”Bird man nods, a few times and gives him a small list of stranger's names he's never heard of.


When writing you should always separate the dialogue from the description. Makes it clearer to the reader.

Bird Man bites at the scab of his bottom lip and his eyes roll up to the sky- thinking extremely hard .


I'm thinking that this was a slight misuse of the m-dash. I'd use a comma instead... :D

He pushes the thought away and thought back to if Bird Man is right about the women,


Using two words that are the same within the same sentence is redundant. I put them in bold! :D

An Eastern grilled flounder, Wyatt's not a vegetarian but he loves fish a bit more than Connecticut's best Pig' N' a Blanket.


Bit of a run-on sentence. :)

He recognizes some spices used for the food. Garlic, paprika, something hot and strong- spices known to smell.


Ohhh, nice! You brought in another sense besides sight for this! :D

“Oh?- You caught me at a delicious bash


Uh, what? What's a bash? I'm thinking that this is set up in America since you mentioned Connecticut, but that just doesn't seem to be an American word to me, and I'm American! Either I'm just from the wrong area and haven't heard the word, or its a British word. Hmmm, I'd look into it, if I were you. If its set in America then I think it would need to be written using American form of speaking. Hehe, unless I'm mistaken and the Bird guy is British... :)

The crumbs come falling to his ripped shirt and he almost forgets, that Bird Man has cash in his pocket


The word I put in red, I'm thinking you can add to the sentence, as to help with the flow a bit.

That's great, he thought.


Er, now I know you're writing this from Wyatt's perspective, but when I read this, I almost thought for a sec that is was the Bird Guy's POV. So I'd just switch it to, That's great, Wyatt thought. Will keep everything cleared up, and there won't be the possibility that a reader will get confused for a sec.

He pecks at his finger tips till the crumbs are all gone and his face is clear from the greasy mess.


Since you're saying, he poked at his finger tips I know that he's trying to get rid of the crumbs on his hands, but the second part of the sentence seems to imply otherwise. His face is clear of the greasy mess? That's what I mean... it's implying that he was cleaning his face, although you had just said that he had been pecking at his finger tips. :)


Oh, and that's it from me and such a fab piece! Hope this little bit helped ya, and keep writing!

~Cricket

That was very helpful, and the delicious bash part came from Napoleon Dynamite. You've seen the movie right?

I don't know, when He said it. It just sounded cool, so I used it. But I need to fix it than. Thank you

hee hee, no I don't think I've seen it. Yeah, sorry if I was being hopelessly stupid when it came to that... lol :D

Not everyone is into cheesy movies ^_^

User avatar
Sunshine
Review
Sunshine wrote a review Review · Jul 27, 2014

Hi, it's Sunshine, of Team Plasma, here to review for you on this lovely review day.

Now, I'm just hopping in on chapter ten, which is weird, but allows me to nitpick very certain character elements and grammar that would have been hindered by reading earlier chapters. I'm really excited review for you!

General and Slightly Annoying and extremely necessary nitpicks

He just doesn't know how simple it will be, and he groans at the thought he might have to work a little hard to find his watch, (leave out comma) again.


Everything just seemed too fast for him to grasp and he pleas to himself , help.


The wording here just seems really weird, like you picked all the meet from the bone. The help part isn't anything grammatical, really, but it just feels empty. Maybe a 'someone please' might be nice?

Wyatt's head lifts up to Bird Man's and he's waiting for him to continue.


Again, weird phrasing. Separating and fluffing might be nice. Or even and could turn into as he waits?

An Eastern grilled flounder, Wyatt's not a vegetarian but he loves fish a bit more than Connecticut's best Pig' N' a Blanket.


This doesn't make sense to me. Vegetarians don't eat fish either. :P Liking fish has very little to do with it.

The conclusion: There's some sentence structure stuff you might want to go over. Don't want anything to distract your readers from the story!

Plot and Characters

The thing about this chapter is... nothing really happened. It's good for character development and relationship between Wyatt and the Bird Man, but it doesn't keep the reader very well invested. The chapter comes off as too short to have much effect on the plot. I feel like this could be a great intro to more happening in the chapter, more furthering of the plot later on. Just standing alone, it seems a little naked. Maybe you could smash some chapters together?

You've got some great characters here, and what looks like a really fun idea. Good luck in finishing it! Any questions can be responded to here or PMed. Thanks a ton!

Image

That was perfect help, and I was worried if I add two chapters together. No one would read this chapter, so I kept it short. But thank you.

Glad to help! :)



Nothing says criminal activity like strong bones. ;)
— Magebird